superpeeve Oh my Gawd! - Totally unOfficial Pet Peeve Thread.

[Maryanne Solo]

Alt thread #37,962 slammed closed by mods lol.
 

[Marigold Devin]

1 minute ago, Maryanne Solo said:

Alt thread #37,962 slammed closed by mods lol.
 

YAY! 

And on that note, today's pet peeve - and I may have already had this one but I'm saying it again because it still applies - people who continue to take the bait when a thread that starts innocuously enough becomes a vehicle for that particular thread starter to morph into Troll of the Year, and it never ends well. 

 

[Rowan Amore]

29 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

YAY! 

And on that note, today's pet peeve - and I may have already had this one but I'm saying it again because it still applies - people who continue to take the bait when a thread that starts innocuously enough becomes a vehicle for that particular thread starter to morph into Troll of the Year, and it never ends well. 

 

Cheap entertainment!  I'm on a budget, ya know.  😅Just gonna wait on the ensuing madness that will undoubtedly follow later today.  🙄

Edited January 21, 2022 by Rowan Amore

[LittleMe Jewell]

1 hour ago, Rowan Amore said:

Cheap entertainment! 

This ^^^ 

Totally this

[blissfulbreeze]

So when you have a pretty good conversation going with someone. There are laughs, some light convo and you are enjoying it. You have not hinted to the guy at all that you want sex and you never even touched him let alone flirted. You are simply having a good conversation. Then the guy has to go and RUIN it by opening up a sexual topic and touching you without permission. Then when you get up and leave, he calls you names and acts like you are the wrong one.

Wtf happened to just having a good conversation, why do so many men think that just because they talked to you for a couple hours that you owe them a free molestation session or sex? (This is in sl).

They have been in SL for over 5 yrs, you would think that this tactic would not have worked much. Or do other women fall for that? I know not all men are like this, but it seems that so many follow this lead in SL. Yes, partly due to the great anonymity factor, partly due to the guy is probably a jerk.. but ugh, where is the decency, respect for fellow man???

 

Edited to add: Oh, other women do this to me as well. They assume that I want their advances. FFS

 

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by blissfulbreeze

[LilNosferatu]

18 minutes ago, blissfulbreeze said:

So when you have a pretty good conversation going with someone. There are laughs, some light convo and you are enjoying it. You have not hinted to the guy at all that you want sex and you never even touched him let alone flirted. You are simply having a good conversation. Then the guy has to go and RUIN it by opening up a sexual topic and touching you without permission. Then when you get up and leave, he calls you names and acts like you are the wrong one.

Wtf happened to just having a good conversation, why do so many men think that just because they talked to you for a couple hours that you owe them a free molestation session or sex? (This is in sl).

They have been in SL for over 5 yrs, you would think that this tactic would not have worked much. Or do other women fall for that? I know not all men are like this, but it seems that so many follow this lead in SL. Yes, partly due to the great anonymity factor, partly due to the guy is probably a jerk.. but ugh, where is the decency, respect for fellow man???

It's so discouraging to realize that there are men out there with the mindset of "wow this woman is being friendly with me, she must be down for sex". I see that enough in RL, so I'm sure it's a bit more exaggerated in SL due to anonymity and being virtual. Maybe they're also extra forward because with virtual sex there is no risk (pregnancy, STDs, etc) so it's like a question of "why not?" for them? I dunno, it's annoying though and has made me wary of being too friendly with new male acquaintances, both in RL and online.

Edited January 21, 2022 by LilNosferatu

[Cinnamon Mistwood]

There are plenty of people of all (and no) genders who only want one night stands with no strings attached.  There are people who don't even want you to look at them.  There are those who want full monogamous long-term relationships. The list of what people want is infinite.

Peeve: why is it so hard for these people to meet?

Beyond using several Picks to explain everything about what your avatar is after (and hoping people read the novel before sending a message) how do we encourage people to take a chance by reaching out and saying hi while balancing that with the legions of "How dare you try to communicate with me"

People should be encouraged to try to talk to others, but they should also be willing to hear "no" I don't do the sexxies - ever/one night stands/relationships.

There are a lot of very quiet places where people only talk privately with people they already know and newcomers are ignored even when they try to communicate. 

I don't know where the balance is between trying to  find compatible person for a night of fun without IMing the person who screams at you for daring to speak.

[Kathlen Onyx]

34 minutes ago, blissfulbreeze said:

So when you have a pretty good conversation going with someone. There are laughs, some light convo and you are enjoying it. You have not hinted to the guy at all that you want sex and you never even touched him let alone flirted. You are simply having a good conversation. Then the guy has to go and RUIN it by opening up a sexual topic and touching you without permission. Then when you get up and leave, he calls you names and acts like you are the wrong one.

Wtf happened to just having a good conversation, why do so many men think that just because they talked to you for a couple hours that you owe them a free molestation session or sex? (This is in sl).

They have been in SL for over 5 yrs, you would think that this tactic would not have worked much. Or do other women fall for that? I know not all men are like this, but it seems that so many follow this lead in SL. Yes, partly due to the great anonymity factor, partly due to the guy is probably a jerk.. but ugh, where is the decency, respect for fellow man???

 

Edited to add: Oh, other women do this to me as well. They assume that I want their advances. FFS

 

 

Your post reminded me of a peeve which I'm sure A LOT of men are going to say WTF, what IS it you women want! LOL

I met a guy and had a great conversation.  We had quite a few things in common and our conversation was fun and easy.  Next day he sends me flowers and leaves me a nice "good morning" message in my IM.  He starts buying me gifts every day in HIS favorite color and leaving long messages I wake up to about how I am the first thing on his mind and the last thing he thinks of.  I am his for as long as I'll have him. Mind you it's been 4 days since I met him.  Gifts every day that of course I feel obligated to wear (purple) and long messages of love and admiration every day and now has escalated to while we are chatting which I also responded with a smile or you are so sweet. Finally I say you know I'm not really comfortable with all these gifts and declarations of love and admiration since we've only known each other a week.  He says he understands yet continues.  I had casually mentioned that I might want to get another Zooby babies and all of a sudden he's asking me how much and sends me 6,000L for the baby and furniture.  Finally I just break up with him because I dread coming online now and having to pretend to have these undying feelings of love like he has. I told him that his behavior was smothering me and gave him his 6,000L back.

What happened to meeting someone, having a conversation and naturally falling in like or love or whatever it's called in SL over a period of time.  Of course 5 days later he has a new girl in his profile saying how when he sees her his whole world stops and the only thing he sees is her. LOL - So I don't feel that bad but still what could have been a good relationship because we had so much in common was ruined by this person going from 0-1000 in days.

Edited January 22, 2022 by Sam1 Bellisserian

[Scylla Rhiadra]

6 minutes ago, LilNosferatu said:

I dunno, it's annoying though and has made me wary of being too friendly with new male acquaintances, both in RL and online.

I was talking to @Aiyumeiabout this earlier, and we were both sort of saying this. I'm enormously friendly -- but I am really wary about sending an IM to a man whom I don't know well because, in the past, it's so often been misread as a come-on. This despite the fact that my profile makes it clear that I don't do that.

It is, as both you and @blissfulbreezesay, by no means "all men" who are like this, but it's common enough that I seldom initiate contacts with men now. And that's awful -- because I do like making new friends, but also because it all but forces me into the position of being the "passive woman," waiting to be approached by a man. And the result is, I'm sure, that there are men out there who would make lovely friends but whom I will never get to know.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

2 minutes ago, Cinnamon Mistwood said:

Peeve: why is it so hard for these people to meet?

And the irony is that it should be so much easier in SL to establish "what this person wants," because we have profiles that can spell that out. And, I think, most people, or a great many of them, do. So, why does that get ignored so often?

[Kathlen Onyx]

Just now, Scylla Rhiadra said:

And the irony is that it should be so much easier in SL to establish "what this person wants," because we have profiles that can spell that out. And, I think, most people, or a great many of them, do. So, why does that get ignored so often?

I have tried this and have gotten IM'd from guys who are partnered no less saying I have too many requirements and no one is gonna read that. LOL So I took it all out.

[missyrideout]

35 minutes ago, blissfulbreeze said:

Wtf happened to just having a good conversation, why do so many men think that just because they talked to you for a couple hours

If by hours you mean minutes... lol. A big part of the "I don't IM first" thing, I think, comes from having to play defense against these kind of advances. Sadly, as a result I find myself less inclined to chat people up both as a receiver and sender of friendly IMs. I have to be careful not to let that attitude calcify because I'm probably missing out on actual good conversations, but getting shouted at for leading someone on (their words) takes its toll.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

1 minute ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

I have tried this and have gotten IM'd from guys who are partnered no less saying I have too many requirements and no one is gonna read that. LOL So I took it all out.

Your story is utterly horrifying. I've experienced things a bit like that -- not quite so obsessive, and about L$6000 cheaper, but similar in that I too found myself dreading the log-in. I'd check the online status of my friends before logging in, to make sure the coast was clear. And within a minute of logging in, up he'd pop . . .

[Cinnamon Mistwood]

I change my profile around a lot, but I usually leave in that I'm up for a chat and dancing, but I will remain human, alive, and unspoiled.  Hopefully that takes care of the sex searchers, the vampires, and the zombies.

[blissfulbreeze]

I had things in my profile as well, either they didn't read them or ignored them. Things like.. If I want intimacy with you, let me tell you, don't assume it. Also that I am demisexual.

Too many people want to push their needs, their desires, their wants and put demands on others, all because they can be anonymous doing it. This shows true character of how the world would be without laws or restrictions. Effin scary.

[Rowan Amore]

13 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

I have tried this and have gotten IM'd from guys who are partnered no less saying I have too many requirements and no one is gonna read that. LOL So I took it all out.

Put it back.  I've had people tell me something similar about mine and I assume it's doing exactly what I intended it to do.  I have it spelled out quite clearly if they bother to read it.    Demisexual..something I've discovered about myself on this journey. Which means..not interested in your pixel dick unless I've known you for awhile.

I really need to add...and probably not even then.😆😇

[Orwar]

3 minutes ago, Cinnamon Mistwood said:

I change my profile around a lot, but I usually leave in that I'm up for a chat and dancing, but I will remain human, alive, and unspoiled.  Hopefully that takes care of the sex searchers, the vampires, and the zombies.

   I'm not sure whether I ought to feel discriminated against ..

   Anyway, my pet peeve for today is the very broad brush that's been used to describe men in SL around here lately. Even the ones who go 'Oh, we shouldn't generalise' then immediately proceed to generalise. People suck, this I have maintained for years - for every bad thing a man does, there'll be an example of a bad thing a woman does, rest assured. If people would just quit compartmentalising men and women into two separate camps like a bunch of three-year olds with cootie-phobia, that'd be brilliant. They're not bad men or bad women, they're bad people, who don't get to represent myself, or any other man who behaves as a civilised human being.

   Besides, I break enough hearts and frighten, scare, and make uncomfortable quite enough people just fine on my own, without any help from the rampant prejudice, thank you very much.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

2 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   I'm not sure whether I ought to feel discriminated against ..

   Anyway, my pet peeve for today is the very broad brush that's been used to describe men in SL around here lately. Even the ones who go 'Oh, we shouldn't generalise' then immediately proceed to generalise. People suck, this I have maintained for years - for every bad thing a man does, there'll be an example of a bad thing a woman does, rest assured. If people would just quit compartmentalising men and women into two separate camps like a bunch of three-year olds with cootie-phobia, that'd be brilliant. They're not bad men or bad women, they're bad people, who don't get to represent myself, or any other man who behaves as a civilised human being.

   Besides, I break enough hearts and frighten, scare, and make uncomfortable quite enough people just fine on my own, without any help from the rampant prejudice, thank you very much.

Yes yes. Not all men. And lots of women too I'm sure.

The problem is that these behaviors are frequently gendered. I'm sure there ARE women who behave as the men we've described -- but, sorry, this is a kind of approach to relationships and sex that is particularly associated with the social conditioning of men. 

Socialization is NOT the same for men and women. It should be. But it isn't. And it won't be until we collectively address the gendered assumptions around sex, relationships, and power. And yes, we need to address at the same time the bad behaviors of women. But those are predominantly different behaviors.

[Silent Mistwalker]

3 hours ago, Marigold Devin said:

YAY! 

And on that note, today's pet peeve - and I may have already had this one but I'm saying it again because it still applies - people who continue to take the bait when a thread that starts innocuously enough becomes a vehicle for that particular thread starter to morph into Troll of the Year, and it never ends well. 

 

 

 

Sometimes the bait is irresistible.

[Cinnamon Mistwood]

23 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   I'm not sure whether I ought to feel discriminated against ..

   Anyway, my pet peeve for today is the very broad brush that's been used to describe men in SL around here lately. Even the ones who go 'Oh, we shouldn't generalise' then immediately proceed to generalise. People suck, this I have maintained for years - for every bad thing a man does, there'll be an example of a bad thing a woman does, rest assured. If people would just quit compartmentalising men and women into two separate camps like a bunch of three-year olds with cootie-phobia, that'd be brilliant. They're not bad men or bad women, they're bad people, who don't get to represent myself, or any other man who behaves as a civilised human being.

   Besides, I break enough hearts and frighten, scare, and make uncomfortable quite enough people just fine on my own, without any help from the rampant prejudice, thank you very much.

I made a conscious effort to not point out a gender in my posts. 

Maybe I am a bit discriminatory in my bias against vampires.  Want to prove my bias wrong?  I have had zero luck picking up guys for chatting and dancing from the forums.  One ignore and one one-word reply in the last month can really ding a gal's confidence in reaching out.  So, care to dance?

Edited January 22, 2022 by Cinnamon Mistwood

[LilNosferatu]

15 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I'm enormously friendly -- but I am really wary about sending an IM to a man whom I don't know well because, in the past, it's so often been misread as a come-on.

I agree 100%. I used to be the type who would send a message first to anyone I thought seemed cool, had something interesting in their bio/profile, etc etc (online in general, not just SL) and it's just genuinely because I like meeting new people and I get really enthusiastic when I meet someone who's into similar things I am. Even if it's just a username that's an obscure reference I recognize, my knee-jerk reaction is just to drop a friendly message to say "ayyyyyyy nice name! love the reference!". Sometimes these interactions have lead to amazing friendships, but they've also lead to really awkward and uncomfortable situations where they took it as an open invitation.

I also had an extreme case of this happen in RL which probably caused the most damage, to be fair. An ex-coworker stalked me for a couple years because he was entirely convinced I was totally into him and "playing hard to get" because I was friendly with him at work and talked to him about D&D on our breaks. Luckily the online interactions are much easier to shut down, but that whole slightly traumatizing RL experience was kind of the nail in the coffin for me and now I'll really only approach guys first if we're in a group setting and I tend to make some sort of reference to my relationship. Something like "oh, you watch X! that's awesome, my bf and I just got into that recently!" and sometimes you can tell by their response if there's friendship potential or if it's dead in the water.

It definitely sucks knowing that I've probably passed over a lot of potentially amazing friendships but it just gets old and I get emotionally tired from it. 😵

[Rowan Amore]

15 minutes ago, LilNosferatu said:

I agree 100%. I used to be the type who would send a message first to anyone I thought seemed cool, had something interesting in their bio/profile, etc etc (online in general, not just SL) and it's just genuinely because I like meeting new people and I get really enthusiastic when I meet someone who's into similar things I am. Even if it's just a username that's an obscure reference I recognize, my knee-jerk reaction is just to drop a friendly message to say "ayyyyyyy nice name! love the reference!". Sometimes these interactions have lead to amazing friendships, but they've also lead to really awkward and uncomfortable situations where they took it as an open invitation.

I also had an extreme case of this happen in RL which probably caused the most damage, to be fair. An ex-coworker stalked me for a couple years because he was entirely convinced I was totally into him and "playing hard to get" because I was friendly with him at work and talked to him about D&D on our breaks. Luckily the online interactions are much easier to shut down, but that whole slightly traumatizing RL experience was kind of the nail in the coffin for me and now I'll really only approach guys first if we're in a group setting and I tend to make some sort of reference to my relationship. Something like "oh, you watch X! that's awesome, my bf and I just got into that recently!" and sometimes you can tell by their response if there's friendship potential or if it's dead in the water.

It definitely sucks knowing that I've probably passed over a lot of potentially amazing friendships but it just gets old and I get emotionally tired from it. 😵

Don't stop messaging people.  I still do it ALL the time and have had some great conversations.  It really doesn't happen often that the chat turns sexual in any way.  I actually find it happens less often when I initiate it.  It's more common for it to turn awkward when it's a random HI, how are you from both men and women.  

Once I see that the conversation is headed into creepy sex talk, I just stop responding or give a simple one word response.  They usually take the hint I'm not interested.

 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Rowan Amore

[blissfulbreeze]

44 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   I'm not sure whether I ought to feel discriminated against ..

   Anyway, my pet peeve for today is the very broad brush that's been used to describe men in SL around here lately. Even the ones who go 'Oh, we shouldn't generalise' then immediately proceed to generalise. People suck, this I have maintained for years - for every bad thing a man does, there'll be an example of a bad thing a woman does, rest assured. If people would just quit compartmentalising men and women into two separate camps like a bunch of three-year olds with cootie-phobia, that'd be brilliant. They're not bad men or bad women, they're bad people, who don't get to represent myself, or any other man who behaves as a civilised human being.

   Besides, I break enough hearts and frighten, scare, and make uncomfortable quite enough people just fine on my own, without any help from the rampant prejudice, thank you very much.

I know that it seems that we are bashing men, but we are speaking, well typing of our experiences. Our bad experiences and venting. I have been grateful to also meet some wonderful men in my SL. Men who are a refreshment, a healing balm for the frustration of dealing with the weeds. Men who make me still want to come to SL, have great conversations, cuddles, deep talks and if we mesh well, then intimacy.

There are many good people in SL but unfortunately, some of them are hiding in the shadows, and not making themselves known.. or people are not giving them a chance due to being jaded.

[Madelaine McMasters]

1 hour ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I was talking to @Aiyumeiabout this earlier, and we were both sort of saying this. I'm enormously friendly -- but I am really wary about sending an IM to a man whom I don't know well because, in the past, it's so often been misread as a come-on. This despite the fact that my profile makes it clear that I don't do that.

It is, as both you and @blissfulbreezesay, by no means "all men" who are like this, but it's common enough that I seldom initiate contacts with men now. And that's awful -- because I do like making new friends, but also because it all but forces me into the position of being the "passive woman," waiting to be approached by a man. And the result is, I'm sure, that there are men out there who would make lovely friends but whom I will never get to know.

When I'm not at home, I'm usually at The Far Away or Ivory Tower sandbox. I've never hesitated to IM fellas in either place and I think I've had 100% good experiences. I'm sure this is largely due to the venue. I make my introductions in much the way you probably do, and certainly in the way @LilNosferatu does, by expressing my interest in something they're doing/making or is mentioned in their profile.

I have noticed that my offers to play football with the fellas generally go unanswered...

[Solar Legion]

On the current tangent, from where I sit?

Got a list of requirements/long and informative info dump in your profile and/or picks and someone complains about it? Good. Unless it is really outlandish then it is doing its job and they can place their opinion back into the compost heap it came from.

The seeming behavioral disparity between genders? Doesn't exist - both are equally as guilty. The difference is in the attitudes of the recipient(s): One is conditioned to blow off the behavior/pretend it does not bother them even as the other is being told (more and more these days) to push back (which is good) or that it is simply to be expected (which is bad). This creates an illusion wherein there is some behavioral difference that is somehow intrinsic to either. There isn't - it exists across the board.

Both of these are among the reasons I have not really gone looking for more hang out spots in quite some time, compounded by a literal personal peeve (as in a peeve concerning myself): Mixed messages (best label I can give it). I can sit in the back of an SL club or such and watch those around me, occasionally piping up to join a conversation or two one day/moment, mingle and dance another and/or actively flirt/seek out a bit of 'fun' for the time being ... All so rapidly sometimes that it feels like I am giving people (let alone myself) whiplash all while mixing them up in such a way as to make it incredibly difficult for even my longer time friends or playmates to discern my intentions!