superpeeve Oh my Gawd! - Totally unOfficial Pet Peeve Thread.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

So, back to pet peeves.

I've just been informed that Virtual Secrets accepts money by those who want to keep their "scandals" off the web site.

Should I be surprised? Probably not. It's a short step from pandering to drama-mongers, to profiting off them through extortion.

[Marigold Devin]

Pet peeves. Being misquoted.

I said "I don't believe Jimmy Savile is guilty of everything he has been accused of."

That was translated to "You think Jimmy Savile is innocent".

I said "My boyfriend does not like fish".

I did not say "My boyfriend does not eat fish". He eats it in an attempt at having a healthy balance diet but doesn't like it. 

Why don't people listen?!

[Marigold Devin]

16 hours ago, blissfulbreeze said:

I know that it seems that we are bashing men, but we are speaking, well typing of our experiences. Our bad experiences and venting. I have been grateful to also meet some wonderful men in my SL. Men who are a refreshment, a healing balm for the frustration of dealing with the weeds. Men who make me still want to come to SL, have great conversations, cuddles, deep talks and if we mesh well, then intimacy.

There are many good people in SL but unfortunately, some of them are hiding in the shadows, and not making themselves known.. or people are not giving them a chance due to being jaded.

Jaded.

Yes.

Definitely.

I took a break for a couple of years and when I came back I was very disappointed that someone I considered to be a good friend went over a line. I'm really pleased for people who come into Second Life and meet their soul mate, or who enjoy a bit of pixel bumping, but that's not for me, nor am I a Second Life prude or virgin, but a good friend should know where that line is.

And because of what went on prior to me going on leave from SL for a while, I was in no hurry to meet up with anyone.

Jaded.

Awful though isn't it to have become that way. :/

[Silent Mistwalker]

1 hour ago, Rowan Amore said:

 

We're just jealous.  I look at a piece of cake and gain 5lbs.  It used to make me mad as a kid.  We ALL ate the same things, we didn't have snack food nor were we allowed to just grab food out of the cupboard or fridge.  I ran around all the time, playing kickball, tag, riding my bike and was still chubby.  My sister, who sat all day on the couch reading was thin as a rail.  It ain't fair, I tell ya!!!!

I didn't say I could eat what I wanted. I can't. Never could. Most I have ever weighed was 180, the ideal weight for a 6-foot-tall woman. 

[Rolig Loon]

2 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

I said "My boyfriend does not like fish".

I did not say "My boyfriend does not eat fish". He eats it in an attempt at having a healthy balance diet but doesn't like it. 

Why don't people listen?!

When my daughter was young, it took her ages to grasp the difference between

"Don't try doing that."

and

"Try not doing that".

Sometimes the problem isn't listening; it's expectation.  My guess is that most people who don't like fish avoid eating it. If I hear that your boyfriend doesn't like fish, I expect that to mean he doesn't eat it, so I assume that's your point.  If my daredevil daughter was watching some idiot jumping over barrels on his bike, she expected me to tell her not to do it. More often, what I meant was "I know you want to try that. Please think twice."

[Marigold Devin]

4 hours ago, Modulated said:

Major P E E V E: Netflix only giving us half of the last season of Ozark. WHY!?!?!

57 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Going to keep this short as I'm pretty sure people aren't going to want a long discussion about gender, Queer Theory, performativity, etc., here.

I don't at all disagree with your caution and critique here, Robin. My articulation of how this works was simplistic and reductive, mostly in the sense that it was not granular and nuanced enough -- see also my comment to Solar above, which reflects my awareness that I could have expressed this more completely than I did. "Socialization" as a concept is actually pretty complicated, as I obviously don't need to tell you. And yes, the expectations that arise from it are often culture-specific, which is part of the point, and demonstrates that gendered behaviors are not "innate."

I don't use terms like "TERF" myself very often (it depends to some degree on context) because they seem to me to short-circuit discussion and simplify, in the same way that terms like "SJW" or "MRA" also do. "Radical Feminists," as you probably know, prefer the term "Gender Critical" because it isn't pejorative, and I'm fine with that myself because I don't think a good conversation begins with the casting of insults. But I use it with the proviso that I'm not going to allow that term to perform as a smokescreen that hides the exclusionary nature of this approach. The full implications of the "GC" understanding of the relationship between gender and sexual biology need to be drawn out and made explicit. The term needs to be meaningful, and not a polite disguise.

"RadFem" or "Radical Feminist" -- their term, so not an "insult" -- is, as you probably know, a particular "school" of feminism that arose in the late 60s and was particularly prevalent in the late 70s and the first half of the 80s. It's historically contingent, and tethered strongly to Second Wave Feminism -- with all of the positive and negatives that that implies. I believe that Radical Feminism is highly problematic: Third and Fourth Wave Feminisms (if we've arrived at the Fourth Wave yet -- hard to say!) have been in large measure both a critique and a necessary elaboration of RadFem ideology. And it's worthwhile noting that some very prominent RadFem thinkers, notably Catherine McKinnon and even Andrea Dworkin, have been trans-inclusive and opposed to the biological essentialism that lies at the heart of modern GC approaches. But most of those who continue to call themselves RadFem are not.

A story I've told here before, I think. Some 10 years ago I attended a talk, sponsored by the university feminist department with which I was affiliated, by a trans rights activist. She began by expressing surprise that a feminist academic department had invited her at all, because her experience had been that the strongest opposition to trans rights came from those who called themselves feminists. It was an uncomfortable but important moment, because there was some truth to what she said. Historically, feminism has forged relationships with other rights movements -- abolition in the 19th century, and the civil rights movement in the 60s and 70s -- and then, too often, abandoned those allies when we were offered advances that benefited white, mostly middle class women, but not WoC / BIPoC. It's a frankly shameful history. As a feminist, I am committed to working to ensure that that doesn't happen again. And, today, the battlefield is primarily centred around trans identities.

Aren't you glad I kept this short?? (BWAHAHAHAHAH!)

I find myself cringing throughout reading this, knowing how clumsy I can be at times with words and finding the "right" terminology. An ex-boyfriend once used the phrase "marianless" as a substitute for "tactless" (Marian being my real name for those of you who don't already know this).  I've tried to learn as I've grown up and older, but sometimes I will obviously put my foot in it with someone about something, without meaning to.

Another pet peeve maybe is having good intentions but being shown that the road to hell is paved with good intentions as I yet again get stuck with my foot firmly in my mouth!

It's a personal thing, I just needed to kind of vent about it, which is the whole point of this thread, although it's more something I should have taken to a mental health counsellor than a forum, I am sure.

[Marigold Devin]

6 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

When my daughter was young, it took her ages to grasp the difference between

"Don't try doing that."

and

"Try not doing that".

Sometimes the problem isn't listening; it's expectation.  My guess is that most people who don't like fish avoid eating it. If I hear that your boyfriend doesn't like fish, I expect that to mean he doesn't eat it, so I assume that's your point.  If my daredevil daughter was watching some idiot jumping over barrels on his bike, she expected me to tell her not to do it. More often, what I meant was "I know you want to try that. Please think twice."

Your daughter was young with time to live and learn.

The person who misquoted me regarding the fish is 64 and just doesn't listen. The other person who misquoted me about Jimmy Savile was a mental health counsellor. If a supposedly intelligent and well-qualified person in the position he is (was) in can so easily change the meaning of my words like that, I dreaded to think what nonsense he must have written up in my mental health case file!

Me: I woke up feeling like I had someone else's hangover this morning

Him: She drinks an excessive amount of alcohol

(In truth I rarely ever drink alcohol.)

Potatoes potahtoes!

[Silent Mistwalker]

32 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

So, back to pet peeves.

I've just been informed that Virtual Secrets accepts money by those who want to keep their "scandals" off the web site.

Should I be surprised? Probably not. It's a short step from pandering to drama-mongers, to profiting off them through extortion.

 

Informed by who? 

That rumor keeps popping up when a certain person I know gets bored because no one is paying attention to them.

[Silent Mistwalker]

30 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

Pet peeves. Being misquoted.

I said "I don't believe Jimmy Savile is guilty of everything he has been accused of."

That was translated to "You think Jimmy Savile is innocent".

I said "My boyfriend does not like fish".

I did not say "My boyfriend does not eat fish". He eats it in an attempt at having a healthy balance diet but doesn't like it. 

Why don't people listen?!

 

I've been asking that question for decades. I've even asked it many times here on the forum. I've never gotten an answer.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

2 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

I find myself cringing throughout reading this, knowing how clumsy I can be at times with words and finding the "right" terminology. An ex-boyfriend once used the phrase "marianless" as a substitute for "tactless" (Marian being my real name for those of you who don't already know this).  I've tried to learn as I've grown up and older, but sometimes I will obviously put my foot in it with someone about something, without meaning to.

Another pet peeve maybe is having good intentions but being shown that the road to hell is paved with good intentions as I yet again get stuck with my foot firmly in my mouth!

It's a personal thing, I just needed to kind of vent about it, which is the whole point of this thread, although it's more something I should have taken to a mental health counsellor than a forum, I am sure.

Well, really, this could be another pet peeve. Communicating precisely what one means is difficult. It's rendered even more so if the language is continually slipping and changing, gathering new connotations and associations. And if one is aware of how complex and nuanced the ideas that one is trying to communicate are, it can be even more frustrating, because, really and truly, who wants to read wall-of-text grappling with complicated subjects on a forum? I have every sympathy for someone who looks at what I wrote above, and thinks to themselves "TL;DR."

And what makes it important is that language can hurt. Misgendering, for instance, or employing outdated terms now associated with bigoted older cultural perspectives hurts people, just as any racist or sexist pejorative can. I don't want to hurt people, not even those with whom I disagree -- I want to persuade them. But I slip up all the time. And that hurts me too.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

5 minutes ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

 

Informed by who? 

That rumor keeps popping up when a certain person I know gets bored because no one is paying attention to them.

Well, for obvious reasons, I can't say where I heard this. Suffice it to say that it was not from the person I think you are referencing, and that my source is someone in whom I have complete trust. And they have some "inside" insight, based on something currently going down.

[Marigold Devin]

4 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Well, really, this could be another pet peeve. Communicating precisely what one means is difficult. It's rendered even more so if the language is continually slipping and changing, gathering new connotations and associations. And if one is aware of how complex and nuanced the ideas that one is trying to communicate are, it can be even more frustrating, because, really and truly, who wants to read wall-of-text grappling with complicated subjects on a forum? I have every sympathy for someone who looks at what I wrote above, and thinks to themselves "TL;DR."

And what makes it important is that language can hurt. Misgendering, for instance, or employing outdated terms now associated with bigoted older cultural perspectives hurts people, just as any racist or sexist pejorative can. I don't want to hurt people, not even those with whom I disagree -- I want to persuade them. But I slip up all the time. And that hurts me too.

As the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I guess I'll be seeing you in hell! 😄

[Silent Mistwalker]

3 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Well, for obvious reasons, I can't say where I heard this. Suffice it to say that it was not from the person I think you are referencing, and that my source is someone in whom I have complete trust. And they have some "inside" insight, based on something currently going down.

I can't help but think it has something to do with this:

 

 

[Scylla Rhiadra]

7 minutes ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

I can't help but think it has something to do with this:

No, not in this particular context. The payments were apparently made to keep references to a particular organization out of the pages of VS, not put them in.

This is obviously second hand information: I have nothing to do with the organization, nor VS (yeeeesh!). But I find it credible.

[Silent Mistwalker]

4 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

No, not in this particular context. The payments were apparently made to keep references to a particular organization out of the pages of VS, not put them in.

This is obviously second hand information: I have nothing to do with the organization, nor VS (yeeeesh!). But I find it credible.

While I don't know the owner personally, I do know a lot about her and have seen some of the things she has been put through that she was not guilty of so, I don't find it credible at present. No, I'm not defending the blog, I just know she isn't as bad as some try to make her out to be.

I have heard this same claim made by others over the years. None of them turned out to be true. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Silent Mistwalker

[Scylla Rhiadra]

Just now, Silent Mistwalker said:

While I don't know the owner personally, I do know a lot about her and have seen some of the things she has been put through that she was not guilty of so, I don't at present. No, I'm not defending the blog, I just know she isn't as bad as some try to make her out to be.

I have heard this same claim made by others over the years. None of them turned out to be true. 

You may of course be correct. I don't know the owner, so I can't comment directly about her -- but I find the site itself to be so utterly appalling that, honestly, I don't have a difficult time believing that this is happening.

[Rowan Amore]

49 minutes ago, Marigold Devin said:

I find myself cringing throughout reading this, knowing how clumsy I can be at times with words and finding the "right" terminology. An ex-boyfriend once used the phrase "marianless" as a substitute for "tactless" (Marian being my real name for those of you who don't already know this).  I've tried to learn as I've grown up and older, but sometimes I will obviously put my foot in it with someone about something, without meaning to.

Another pet peeve maybe is having good intentions but being shown that the road to hell is paved with good intentions as I yet again get stuck with my foot firmly in my mouth!

It's a personal thing, I just needed to kind of vent about it, which is the whole point of this thread, although it's more something I should have taken to a mental health counsellor than a forum, I am sure.

I also find myself cringing to some degree.  I'll actually NOT comment on something because I just know someone is going to jump all over my wrong wording.  There is ALWAYS someone almost waiting to take offense over some perceived slight.  I really hate to call people snowflakes but it's gotten almost ridiculous.  God forbid some random person uses a simple word incorrectly.  

I seldom take offense at WORDS.  I'll take offense at what and how something is said.  You can sometimes feel the tone of a comment that's derogatory even if the words.they use are not.

[Marigold Devin]

21 minutes ago, Rowan Amore said:

I also find myself cringing to some degree.  I'll actually NOT comment on something because I just know someone is going to jump all over my wrong wording.  There is ALWAYS someone almost waiting to take offense over some perceived slight.  I really hate to call people snowflakes but it's gotten almost ridiculous.  God forbid some random person uses a simple word incorrectly.  

I seldom take offense at WORDS.  I'll take offense at what and how something is said.  You can sometimes feel the tone of a comment that's derogatory even if the words.they use are not.

Intonation is definitely a big part of what causes offence, and of course online, the written word seems to be more easily misconstrued.

I remember a friend in school who could really make a person know how annoyed she was with them just by directing the words "you're a big neck" at them. It sounds like nothing at all typed out like this, but I can hear her voice in my head and the way she emphasised the "n" in neck and would glare at the person she was aiming the comment towards.  

[Silent Mistwalker]

57 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

You may of course be correct. I don't know the owner, so I can't comment directly about her -- but I find the site itself to be so utterly appalling that, honestly, I don't have a difficult time believing that this is happening.

I know. I still have my doubts at times. Now, I just wait to see what happens, which so far, has been nothing each time. I don't even read the site myself. Not even my cuppa.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

11 minutes ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

I know. I still have my doubts at times. Now, I just wait to see what happens, which so far, has been nothing each time. I don't even read the site myself. Not even my cuppa.

Well, it's never featured me . . . so really, how good can it be?

[Silent Mistwalker]

4 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Well, it's never featured me . . . so really, how good can it be?

Well... there was that one time recently when several of us were accused of being Rowan's (I think it was) alts. 🙄

Someone mentioned it being on VS on the forum. That was the one time I just had to go look because seeing was believing and then I fell off my chair laughing. It still sends me into fits of giggles if I happen to think about it.

Edit: No offense towards Rowan intended of course. We seem to have a bit in common.

Edited January 22, 2022 by Silent Mistwalker

[Scylla Rhiadra]

Just now, Silent Mistwalker said:

Well... there was that one time recently when several of us were accused of being Rowan's (I think it was) alts. 🙄

Someone mentioned it being on VS on the forum. That was the one time I just had to go look because seeing was believing and then I fell off my chair laughing. It still sends me into fits of giggles if I happen to think about it.

I'm a bit hurt, actually, that I was never named as one of her alts.

*sniff sniff*

[kali Wylder]

3 hours ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

I used to get that bs too at 5' 3 3/4" and 115-120lbs. I'm now over 60 and my current weight runs 123-127lbs and I still get that crap. 

I hate that chart!  It may work for some body types but there is a wide range them on this earth and for me it was a shaming tool that lead to years of abuse to my body that resulted in permanent damage trying to reach an unobtainable goal.

[Silent Mistwalker]

1 minute ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I'm a bit hurt, actually, that I was never named as one of her alts.

*sniff sniff*

Well, there you go. Your peeve of the day. 😉

[Rowan Amore]

45 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

I'm a bit hurt, actually, that I was never named as one of her alts.

*sniff sniff*

I was trying to keep it a secret!  Sheesh!  😂