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IvyLarae

What are some of your pet peeves?

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2 hours ago, AdminGirl said:

This is sort of a pet peeve, maybe, I dunno. I roll my eyes a little when I see profiles that are over-emphatic in their proclamation of love for their other halves. I mean, why do they feel the need to tell everyone how perfect their relationship is and what are they trying to prove? It almost feels like they're over compensating. But maybe I'm just cynical haha.

I totally agree with this one! It's fine to have a pick about it, I do but if you have your About Me section your partner as well as 3 it more pics about them, it makes me roll my eyes. Like d*nm, it's sweet you love them and all, but im reading your profile to get a better idea of how to engage YOU, not your partner. Chill!

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Orwar said:

   To most people, it should appear obvious - but there are cases where people have been unable to read a situation properly (intoxication, for example) and not realizing that the person with whom they're trying to communicate is feeling unsafe or that their behavior applies any pressure.

   I was hanging out with two female friends a couple of weeks ago, and as they wanted to go out for a smoke I figured I'd tag along and stretch my legs. Whilst outside, a guy begins to converse with my friends and, upon discovering that one of them is Danish, demands that she teach him a Danish phrase. I don't pay it much attention, I perceive him as pretty onward and obnoxious but since my friends showed no signs of discomfort I remained silent. When the guy proceeds to completely butcher the phrase she tries to teach him, they all have a little laugh and he then asks for them to give him a hug. I find his request a bit curious if not out of place, but they both smile and give him a hug, and then we go back inside. For the next few hours, they rant about how men are a bunch of <censored>. I could have squashed the guy like a bug, and wouldn't have hesitated to do so if he tried to force them to do something, and there were several other people around within a few feet who could have stepped in if needed - there was even a uniformed security guard well within hearshot.

   So how far should we go to make women 'feel safe', if figuratively sitting on the lap of an officer of the law isn't enough to turn an unwanted advance down? And yes, that's an anecdotal story, but it's a fairly common situation that I've picked up on several times before and never could understand with my apparent 'guy mind'.

This is actually quite a good example of Scylla's point, I think, about trying to communicate better to men about when women do and don't feel safe (correct me if I'm wrong, Scylla). It was so obvious to me, reading this, that this guy was an utter creep who was taking advantage of the pressure on women to be nice and polite and to doubt themselves when being pestered or harassed or even abused, and that it would be making them supremely uncomfortable. (This is just one of many potential reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. They worry that they're making a big fuss over nothing and everyone will judge them.) Whether this is largely inherent in women or socialised is another question, but I'm pretty sure that a not insignificant backdrop of "feminazi", "feminism is going too far", "oh so I can't even talk to a woman, can I?" and so on isn't helping. 

The fact that they still felt this way even in the presence of others, including a male friend and a uniformed officer should give you some idea of just how very ingrained it is and how little they can rely on the public and the law to protect them. (Most of the harassment and abuse I've experienced took place in public. Of course I'd like to have thrust the guys' hands up in the air and shouted, "Anyone lost this? I've just found it on my arse", but you know they'll just deny it, make out that I'm crazy and I don't have any proof beyond my word against his.) To take it to the extreme logical conclusion, most cases of sexual abuse and rape never make it to court, much less get a conviction, which may be one reason why the officer's presence didn't provide much reassurance. I doubt that they were worried about an actual physical attack under the circumstances. But what were they worried might happen if they had refused his request to learn Danish, or for a hug? Perhaps not a physical attack, perhaps he would even have gone away without challenging it. But I can assure you that in many cases they would have got at least some sort of rebuke along the lines of being b*tches or feminazis, making it impossible for men just to be friendly, he's not being violent or crude is he, and so on and so on, that led to them being less assertive and more doubtful the next time something like this happens... And what if the officer had come over to see what was going on? Hey, I'm just talking to them officer, just asking for a bit of a language lesson, they've got their male friend with them, what are they worried about? And yeah, so I asked for a hug afterwards, so what, they can say no, can't they? There are people everywhere. They're just making a huge fuss over nothing officer, you know what it's like with feminism these days, you can't do anything...

Harassment and abuse are insidious. They start with relatively minor incidents like this where the perpetrators still leave room for reasonable doubt so they can make out that the woman is unreasonable, mad, a drama queen or just outright lying. But these incidents, and the self-doubt they sow, are what pave the way and the context for when the really big bad stuff happens. And then we can claim that of course it wasn't rape because she stayed with him a while afterwards....




 

 

Edited by Amina Sopwith
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1. Items I need to rez in order to unpack. Seriously? Unpacker scripts have been around for at least a decade!

2. Merchants who expect me to pay them L$ for the privilege of joining their group. Sorry, I'm sure you offer a lot of great perks and incentives, but until SL increases its group limit from 42 to infinity, don't even think about charging me money to use one of my limited group slots on you.

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I thought of a peeve!

When I buy a hairdo at full price and it turns up in 50L Fridays the next week. 😭

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I remember a peeve, might not really be a thing any more, but... people who put lengthy RP chat logs in their profiles, often spanning numerous picks. I'm sure it was very engaging and satisfying RP for you, but really, nobody else gives a monkey's. This was particularly common in Gor, unsurprisingly, but to be fair, they didn't have a monopoly on it.

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4 hours ago, MissNomer Gothly said:

1. Items I need to rez in order to unpack. Seriously? Unpacker scripts have been around for at least a decade!

2. Merchants who expect me to pay them L$ for the privilege of joining their group. Sorry, I'm sure you offer a lot of great perks and incentives, but until SL increases its group limit from 42 to infinity, don't even think about charging me money to use one of my limited group slots on you.

Touche.

Oh and what's with demos that you have to pay for?

I grabbed a demo once and didn't even realize I had paid L$10 for it 'cause sometimes I go on autopilot with demos and assume it's for free. Didn't even like it afterwards.

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1 hour ago, Amina Sopwith said:

I remember a peeve, might not really be a thing any more, but... people who put lengthy RP chat logs in their profiles, often spanning numerous picks. I'm sure it was very engaging and satisfying RP for you, but really, nobody else gives a monkey's. This was particularly common in Gor, unsurprisingly, but to be fair, they didn't have a monopoly on it.

   It might also be against the terms of service. It depends on how one looks at the TOS on sharing private information, as 'private' chat logs are mentioned (and usually taken down immediately when posted on the forums) - is a conversation in nearby chat private when two people are alone? Whilst LL can't do anything about it in third parties (social media, blogs, etc.), within SL and these forums, it's a no-no. And profiles are within LL's jurisdiction.

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Since I cannot remember if I already posted this one and it's managed to get to me yet again ....

If you're going to gripe about a decision in how Second Life and/or its services and such are run, you really ought to be able to distinguish the software/service (Second Life) from the company running it (Linden Lab).

Seriously people.

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6 hours ago, Amina Sopwith said:

correct me if I'm wrong, Scylla

Nope, you're totally not wrong.

Your account of how this works is much more complete and nuanced than mine was: in hindsight, I'm thinking that using the term "threat" suggests that all that I'm really referring to is physical assault. And fear of that is a thing, of course, but so much more often it is about the hand on the butt or the casual grope, or even just the un-looked-for verbal harangue to give a kiss, or a hug, or go upstairs to the empty bedroom.

And in such cases, the presence around the corner of a police officer, or a room full of male friends behind a closed door, isn't helpful: no one is going to call the cops because someone put his hand on their thigh. And part of the reason for that is the fear of being disbelieved, or counted "too sensitive" or "unable to take care herself," or an uptight "feminazi." Both @Akane Nacht and @AdminGirl capture a slightly different side of this same thing when they talk, above, about the need to be, or be perceived as, "nice."

Anyway, nothing more to add: you captured this perfectly.

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22 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

no one is going to call the cops because someone put his hand on their thigh.

“I put my hand upon your hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip..”

 

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1 minute ago, Love Zhaoying said:

“I put my hand upon your hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip..”

   ... ... Let's do the Time Warp again?

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20 hours ago, Syo Emerald said:

When I'm in SL and I'm at an adult venue or dressed obviously erotic (sometimes I like to wear lingerie or latex just because), I'm not suprised when men attempt to flirt with me, ask for sex etc. Because I'm in a context, where it fits. Doesn't mean I can't complain about the lazy, disgusting and entitled ways most of them do it. Also doesn't mean that men will not act this way, when I'm just chilling at a beach. Its not my job to have an unattractive avatar, just to scare away the creeps.

RL is...more difficult, as I don't have the protection and freedom SL gives me. I can't turn into an adoreable little forest creature and I don't want to be 'doomed' to experiance indecent behavior, because I happen to look average attractive or wear a summer dress in July. I expect men to act like they got a brain. There is behavior, that is simply always unwanted. I don't take a "I couldn't help it" as an excuse.

Doesn't mean I curl up in a corner and pity myself (if you associate that with "victim") or that I'm suprised, if men (and women) act in a negative way in certain situations. But at the same time I'm not "asking for it" with how I look like or what I wear and if I feel a comment is nasty and oversteps boundaries, I don't accept that my apperance is used as an argument to why I don't deserve basic manners and respect.

Thank you, Syo.  Sounds like you and I are on roughly the same page.

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20 hours ago, Amina Sopwith said:

... I like to hope that you don't actually really wish to imply that men are stupid, slavering, instinctual beasts who lack agency and aren't fully responsible for their actions if there's a pretty lady involved. ...

No, of course not.  That was hyperbole.

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7 hours ago, MissNomer Gothly said:

1. Items I need to rez in order to unpack. Seriously? Unpacker scripts have been around for at least a decade!

2. Merchants who expect me to pay them L$ for the privilege of joining their group. Sorry, I'm sure you offer a lot of great perks and incentives, but until SL increases its group limit from 42 to infinity, don't even think about charging me money to use one of my limited group slots on you.

Actually, I don't get peeved at these.  I really prefer simple, un-scripted boxes, probably because I'm old-fashioned and so used to rezzing and unpacking things that all that clever scripting just gets in the way of my long-established habits. 

And, while it's not fun to be asked to pay to join a store group, I can understand why they do it.  If I were a merchant, I would be very peeved at all the people who pop in, join my group, grab the group gift, leave the group, and pop out again.  Merchants create these groups to gather a population of people they can advertise to.  If a store wants to charge me money to join their group, I simply weigh up whether I think their merchandise, group gifts, and group discounts will be worth the sign-up fee.

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31 minutes ago, Lindal Kidd said:

And, while it's not fun to be asked to pay to join a store group, I can understand why they do it.  If I were a merchant, I would be very peeved at all the people who pop in, join my group, grab the group gift, leave the group, and pop out again.

It's really more a peeve with SL/Linden Labs than with the merchants. In 2019 there shouldn't be a cap on how many groups we can join. That's like Twitter or Instagram saying you can only follow 42 people. And yes, I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes reason for the limitation that's related to old SL code or their network structure or whatever. Doesn't make it any less of a peeve though :P

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9 hours ago, IvyLarae said:

reading your profile to get a better idea of how to engage YOU, not your partner. Chill!

Maybe they want to watch you "engaging" their partner. o.O

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13 minutes ago, MissNomer Gothly said:

It's really more a peeve with SL/Linden Labs than with the merchants. In 2019 there shouldn't be a cap on how many groups we can join. That's like Twitter or Instagram saying you can only follow 42 people. And yes, I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes reason for the limitation that's related to old SL code or their network structure or whatever. Doesn't make it any less of a peeve though :P

The reason has been explained in these forums many times.  The serious problem is that many store groups and land groups use group chat to send messages to members, who then use the chat to carry on long conversations.  Each message is then copied to every single group member.  The more groups people have, and the larger those groups are, the heavier the traffic on the servers that handle all that chat.  It creates enormous lag in the system and can stall the servers.  Limiting the number of groups you can have is LL's way of keeping all that traffic under control.

In a way, it's like the common problem that people have always had with group e-mail.  If everyone uses "Reply All" without lopping off all the previous messages first, each new e-mail grows longer and longer and longer.  The more people replying, the worse the problem gets.  In the e-mail case and in the SL group message case, the best ways to limit the problem are to(1) limit the number of people who can send messages or (2) limit the number of people in the group.  Limiting the number of groups that you can join is an indirect way of doing both. There are disadvantages to both options, and people will get ticked either way. The way LL sees it, there's even a bigger disadvantage to not having limits at all.

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21 minutes ago, MissNomer Gothly said:

It's really more a peeve with SL/Linden Labs than with the merchants. In 2019 there shouldn't be a cap on how many groups we can join. That's like Twitter or Instagram saying you can only follow 42 people. And yes, I'm sure there's some behind-the-scenes reason for the limitation that's related to old SL code or their network structure or whatever. Doesn't make it any less of a peeve though :P

From the other side .... SL tends to break in subtle and unforeseen ways. Reproducing an exact moment of weirdness from a users patchwork first hand reports can be fiendishly difficult. Hours and hours spent going in circles and with no luck ... only to find out when talking to them again, they intentionally omitted some critical piece of information because .... *screams*.

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8 hours ago, Akane Nacht said:

I thought of a peeve!

When I buy a hairdo at full price and it turns up in 50L Fridays the next week. 😭

Change that to when buying anything and it turns up on FLF. I bought something from C88 in the week was annoyed to see it turn up on FLF this week, think i would have been more annoyed if it had been the colour option i bought that was the FLF

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1 hour ago, Selene Gregoire said:

It's not make DUE, it's make DO! 

It's not mute, it's MOOT!

banghead.gif.e66864d8cda40bf23e7df0aa6b2dede6.gif 

YES!

 

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1 hour ago, Selene Gregoire said:

It's not make DUE, it's make DO! 

It's not mute, it's MOOT!

banghead.gif.e66864d8cda40bf23e7df0aa6b2dede6.gif 

Next you’ll tell us that “penultimate” doesn’t mean the “last” thing!

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10 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Next you’ll tell us that “penultimate” doesn’t mean the “last” thing!

Correct.  It's the next to last thing.  The last thing is (and I know you know it!) the "ultimate".

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