Need To Vent

[Waiomao]

Aloha all. I need to vent.

Have you ever had people break into your home? You know that sense of privacy violation, and your sudden vigilence and tension? What did they touch? What did they photograph? What did they plant? Have you ever had someone corner you, only to have people watch the abuse rather than do anything to help? And what if there’s no video, no evidence? Well, it just never happened then, did it? It was probably all in your imagination, and you have some growing up to do, right?

I wrote previously about two men that entered my SL home uninvited and refused to go. The home was a rental and had no way to ban people, so I was left with having to report and block. That’s the official SL process, one that does nothing to stop the abuse while it’s happening; you’re left having to accept the abuse in hope that maybe, possibly it will stop several days later. There is no way in SL to fight back, to defend yourself; your only real option is to leave. That means logging out of SL immediately, or to immediately find and move into a new, safer home. Neither option prevents the abuser from continuing such behaviors with others, that same day or maybe forever. You just have to accept and hope that reporting and blocking will do “something.”

To be fair, there are two sides to every story. Maybe I had it coming, right? Maybe it was just cyber-bullying and I should forget about it in the real world, right?

I moved from that rental into a Linden home, and a stalker-like neighbor was regularly camming into my home - often enough that he eventually spoke proudly about doing so, and about seeing me without clothes on. I wondered whether I was appearing in a collection of voyeuristic photos. Again I reported the intruder, with the hope that someday the behavior might stop. At that time I was a new home owner and didn’t yet know about the  “avatars on other parcels can see and chat with avatars on this parcel” tick box, which should prevent others from camming into our homes. So I moved away. To my knowledge the voyeur didn’t follow.

Things in my new home have been going well. Then came last night: two girlfriends and I were on our boat, anchored in the middle of the Blake Sea, chatting offline. Yes, we’re in different rooms in the same RL home and sharing the same VPN; meeting in SL is our pandemic substitute for going out. It was fun until an intruder boarded our SL boat and was asked to leave but did not. Then he started lying about one of us having invited him, and to one of us chatting with him on Skype. It struck me that a boat is a lot like a rental home, in that there is no way to prevent other avatars from intruding and disrupting. The invasion, disruption, and disrespect were infuriating and triggered us all to say things we wouldn’t normally. It was painful to recognize that there was nothing we could do to stop the behavior. Nothing. Like in a rental home, our only choice was to leave. We all reported and blocked him, but it was painful to know that the intruder maybe / probably continued the bad behavior with others. For anyone else who has been sexually abused in RL, you know that reporting is a painful process that often leads nowhere or even to further harassment, and it’s a shame to experience that same dead-end road in SL too.

Maybe the wonderful creative freedom and virtual escape from pandemic self-quarantine that we experience in SL comes at a price: having to acknowledge that the same abusive behaviors that are illegal in RL exist in SL too, but in SL they are something that we simply have to put up with. Take it or move away. There’s no easy answer to this in either RL or SL, which is why these behaviors persist. Maybe rich people in RL could buy a remote island and set up a new life. Maybe rich people in SL could buy a remote island region and set up a new life. The rest of us? We just have to take it.

I don’t want to hear sh*t like “she must have had it coming,” or “virtual bullying isn’t real bullying.” If those thoughts come into your mind, get some d*mn education.

I’ve met some really nice people in SL. Artists, educators, readers, writers. But a quick glance at all the ‘roid rage male and sexual object female avatar and clothing options makes it seem like SL is overrun by hormonal teenage bullies, frustrated old men going through male menopause, and abusive online trolls. You can spend all your time treading carefully in SL to avoid all that, only to have it come find you. Over and over. Maybe the SL experience I want isn’t one that you want, but nobody’s experience should involve harassment.

This has me pondering whether to leave SL. Or maybe to save up, buy a remote island region sanctuary, set up ban lines, and never leave it for interactions with the rest of SL. But then what’s the point? I could draw a pretty picture for a lot less cash. And Linden Research has just been sold, and we all know what that means: new owners will jettison LL staff, will set up ways to profit off of user data, and will offer invasive new “features” marketed as great leaps forward. SL’s future is less clear, but what is clear is that the new focus will be stronger on profit than on user experience. Seems like a good time to *not* renew my premium membership.

Thanks for listening.

[Tattooshop]

Hi! Contact the landlord and ask to solve the problem.

 

[Reese Wicken]

On the topic of "new owners", none of us know what's going to happen. And I've been seeing a lot of people putting the cart before the horse and it's just absolute insanity to stress over it, the most we can do is trust in what we hear from the Lindens until proven otherwise.

Now to your topic, Bullying is a thing that happens and will contuine to be a thing unless more people stand up for themselves and fight back in any way they know how. You had the right to block, as for reporting you aren't making it clear if it's to whoever you rented from or to Lindens themselves, so I can't say much on that.

I know for rentals you report to the land owner of the abuse with documentation if you are able to contain it, other wise it's a he said/she said.

[Qie Niangao]

20 minutes ago, Waiomao said:

I don’t want to hear sh*t like “she must have had it coming,” or “virtual bullying isn’t real bullying.” If those thoughts come into your mind, get some d*mn education.

Those are two very different assertions. In SL, you alone control the degree to which "virtual bullying" is "real bullying"... but you must exercise that control yourself. 

On SL land you control, you already know that you have pretty extensive technical control over any such bullying. On land you don't control, it's different: you have to decide for yourself that you simply won't be bullied by random dopes doing random dopey things. You must empower yourself, nobody else can do it, and in a virtual world, you can simply choose that liberating view of events. (Unfortunately real life is much different, and brutally dangerous.)

If you can't see SL through that liberating view, it truly may not be for you. But if you can, it just might be life-changing. 

(That's not to discourage abuse-reporting the offenders; they deserve anything LL does to them. But that's focusing on them. It's more empowering to focus foremost on you.)

[KanryDrago]

There is very much something you can do on your own land get a security orb for one. Plus even if rental you should have the power to eject. If you don't I suggest get a better landlord

[Maitimo]

First thing you should do is report the intruders to your landlord. Then you should ask for them to either give you access to the parcel ban/eject settings, or provide you with a security orb. If they refuse to do either, you should take your L$ to another landlord who will.

Another option is to go premium and buy your own parcel. You can pick up a mainland parcel very cheap, and you'll have full access to all the land settings including ban and eject. You don't need to go to the expense of buying an entire region.

[Ceka Cianci]

Some sims where you rent give less land options or control than others..

The place I live they give us property rights, but still they own the whole sim.. I bought from the sim owner the land just as if I were getting owners rights from LL..

I still pay tier like anywhere but have the right to ban and block anyone..

I used to just live in my own sims, but after awhile all that space was just going to waste on me as I was becoming less active in the world..so I searched for similar conditions and control in a smaller amount of land..

I'm on a 1/4 sim now and can only remember one time anyone just dropping in unexpected, but they were pretty much just looking around checking out the land like I was and not realizing mine piece was already unavailable.. They were nice though and asked some questions and went on their way..

If they weren't nice..I could have banned,blocked and ejected and then reported them if I wanted..

I've really never had any problems where I live..I'm allowed to edit the terrain and just about anything a full sim owner can do.. The sim owner has other sims with smaller or larger lots with pretty much the same thing with each..some sims are themed though so sometimes if you build on the ground you have to stay in the theme..but other than that it's been really peaceful there..

[Kia Kiyori]

@Waiomao I feel your pain.

Its the reason why I only rent from one particular SL agency now and have never again had to suffer fools and tossers again.

They are the biggest, they've been here the longest and when I have need of renting extra space (not sure I can mention their name so I wont, but feel free to IM me inworld and I can give you their details), its them I rent from, because they not only allow the use of banlines, but encourage their use.

And...bonus...they're cheaper than any other agency, because they can afford to be. 

You'll never hear them giving you a mouthful of nonsense about sucking it up and using an orb, or having to wait til one of them is online (there's always someone online 24/7) and giving them a list of offending names before they do the banning themselves.

It's also the reason why I've preferred the old Linden homes in the old, old areas - not because the houses are spectacular (they're not particularly) but because you can use banlines - and that's all I care about.

The day LL removes the use of banlines grid-wide is the day I quite happily leave SL without a second thought. 

But for you in your current situation, no need to quit SL. There's always more than one way to skin a dictator/sleaze bag/intruder.

My solution (if you have a premium membership) was to buy 1024 sqm of mainland where I can use banlines to my hearts content and then rent a private parcel as well from my fave agency who encourages their use.

If you don't have a premium membership, then I recommend renting from them anyway and you'll never again have to worry about intruders. Cant help you with the boat situation on the open sea though, sorry. 

[Rhun DeCuir]

Re: Caming... There is an easy way to stop this if you own the land (even in Linden Homes).  Go into the land settings. Go to the Options Tab, and uncheck the box where it says "Avatars on other parcels can see and chat with avatars on this parcel.  Then they have to be on your parcel to cam or chat with you.  If you don't want them there, ban them.

[BelindaN]

If anyone rezzed on my boat, I would take/derez, and TP home. I use an orb at home.

 

[Marigold Devin]

It's good to get this stuff of your chest. 

We all react in different ways in different situations, because of our different real life experiences undoubtedly.

Remembering my earlier times in Second Life, I was caged inside my own rented apartment, I had someone drive a car around my home on another time, someone else crashed through my window and plonked himself right down on my sofa next to me and started talking about random stuff, a couple of real 'funny' pranksters dripped 'acid' into my apartment from the empty one above.

On land I purchased, on a PG rated sim, wandered into my home stark naked, her proudly wearing flexicum! By this point I felt like I'd just about seen and experienced all types of liberties being taken, and I orbited them, then ejected and blocked them from entering.

I became desensitised to being griefed, have had it in real life from the alcoholics in the basement (luckily real life police are red hot with this issue).

It isn't acceptable, in real or in virtual reality, for anyone to mar the lives of others. But leaving, moving, doesn't actually solve any problems. Facing them and battling them, as hard as it is, is the best way. In Second Life, deform them, nuke them, abuse report them, block them, use whatever tools, and then move on and focus on the more positive stuff.

School seems to be well and truly out, we are going into the madder months, griefing will increase no doubt.  Be prepared for more venting.

[Akane Nacht]

In my 12 years here, I've met innumerable interesting and kind people, and a handful of creeps. As other posters say, we have technical tools to deal with those. Focus on the nice people and the creeps will soon cease to ruffle you. 🙂

[Chaser Zaks]

So homes in SL are a weird thing. SL is divided into two groups of home owners: Those who don't mind visitors, and those who do. Neither is in the wrong as it is purely up to them what they do with their property. However this adds to the confusion I am going to go further into.

I know there are people who have came over from utherverse/red light district due to people over there talking about SL, and there are people who come over from video games. A lot of these people, when they are new, often do not understand Second Life's culture very well, and presume that everything is public. When people like me welcome them into their homes, it often will further aid the assumption that everything is public unless prevented. I personally will make a effort to help new people and educate them on SL's culture when possible, this includes stuff along the lines of "You are more than welcome to come over to my home and set a home point if you'd like, just keep in mind that while I keep my home open to the public, lots of people do like to keep their homes private". I've encourage those to take a welcoming but firm approach to fixing this issue. Don't start off with yelling at people, but explain to them that it is private property, not everything in SL is public, and they should ask before entering.

As for camming, I always presume the following: If you are in public view, expect to be filmed or have pictures taken. I know there is the machinima policy, but people who are not going to respect people's privacy will not be respecting that policy anyway. If someone says they are taking pictures of me, I will joke about it, but I understand for many this will make them uncomfortable. The best way to deal with this is remember "They'd be taking pictures of me anyway, even if they didn't tell me.", block, and report.

As for blake sea/public waters, they are public waters. You can sail there, but expect it to be like RL oceans, there's pirates out there because no one owns it(except LL does in this case and only enforces griefing issues). While people will try to ruin other's fun, it is important to keep in mind that it is technically public property.

Final notes, LL does read all reports. It may often seem like they don't, but trust me, they do! They get like 300 reports a day(or was it per hour?). It is a lot of reports to go through, and each one has to be carefully investigated, lest someone get banned for something they didn't do.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Chaser Zaks

[Syo Emerald]

19 minutes ago, Chaser Zaks said:

So homes in SL are a weird thing. SL is divided into two groups of home owners: Those who don't mind visitors, and those who do.

I would put them in two different categories: Those who freak out and those who don't.

[Nick0678]

Things are simple, if you are the parcel owner or on group land and have the proper rights you eject them, if you are not the parcel owner or on group land and don't have the proper rights you accept them or leave. If you have not been given such rights or the ability to use a Security Orb then it's the Landlords fault.

But lets say you don't have such abilities, still Second Life has multiple ways to help you avoid such situations unlike RL.

Think of it, if you were somewhere in RL with just your friends and nobody else around and some random people came to you to harass you what would your options be?

Call the cops? Well they are not 24/7 around and not every area on the planet is Policed. Call for other people to help if they care to? Maybe but theres nobody else near.

In SL you just TP out Block/Ignore and the story is over.

[Kia Kiyori]

I believe Waiomao found her solution several hours ago - which includes the use of banlines through one particular rental agency - so she possibly wont be back to continue the conversation; shes found the privacy and security she was looking for.

 

[Nick0678]

19 minutes ago, Kia Kiyori said:

I believe Waiomao found her solution several hours ago - which includes the use of banlines through one particular rental agency - so she possibly wont be back to continue the conversation; shes found the privacy and security she was looking for.

 

 

On 7/11/2020 at 11:38 PM, Waiomao said:

Things in my new home have been going well. Then came last night: two girlfriends and I were on our boat, anchored in the middle of the Blake Sea..

Sure although her latest incident was about being on a boat on Blake sea.. So her home parcel ban lines etc... well don't really matter.

Anyway she will get used to avoiding such situations.

Edited July 13, 2020 by Nick0678

[Kia Kiyori]

Yes the boat thing is different - its the home thing she found a solution for so all is well on that score.

[Love Zhaoying]

7 minutes ago, Nick0678 said:

her latest incident

Hmm..perhaps there is a pattern!

[Kia Kiyori]

10 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Hmm..perhaps there is a pattern!

Somebody really likes her boat? A lot?? 

[Gregorian Chant]

On 7/12/2020 at 4:49 PM, BelindaN said:

If anyone rezzed on my boat, I would take/derez, and TP home. I use an orb at home.

 

I would ram the boat into someone's security orb so it can unseat and TP the guy back to wherever he crawled out from (and would bounce me home as well) but derezzing the boat works too.

[Drayke Newall]

On 7/13/2020 at 3:55 AM, Rhun DeCuir said:

Re: Caming... There is an easy way to stop this if you own the land (even in Linden Homes).  Go into the land settings. Go to the Options Tab, and uncheck the box where it says "Avatars on other parcels can see and chat with avatars on this parcel.  Then they have to be on your parcel to cam or chat with you.  If you don't want them there, ban them.

I am seriously surprised this isn't unchecked by default in Linden Homes... Would have thought that would have been the sensible thing to do rather than leaving it on by default.

[Qie Niangao]

38 minutes ago, Drayke Newall said:

I am seriously surprised this isn't unchecked by default in Linden Homes... Would have thought that would have been the sensible thing to do rather than leaving it on by default.

I think it would cause a lot of confusion and support load because it creates a situation where it's not at all intuitive what's going on.

That's especially true for new landowners. Granted, Linden Homes have never attracted that many new landowners, but that was the original intention... and I guess even the many folks who migrated in from other continents might never have encountered that setting, it not being the default anywhere on Mainland.

[Aethelwine]

Some boats allow you to eject unwanted guests,  if not there are free eject scripts around that you can use. Look up Kim Farleigh on marketplace, she offers one for free.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Aethelwine