Why is it so difficult making friends here?

[MelodicRain]

I don't know why it's so hard making friends in SL. Ironically it used to be much simpler back in the prim/sculpty days when everyone looked like a clown, 90% of my friends list came from those days, and almost all my "active" friends are from then as well, but as expected most of those old friends have already quit SL. I try to be very friendly, chatty, funny, and open to all interests as long as I'm not totally grossed out by it (e.g. amputation or something), sometimes going as far as pretending I'm really into something just to get the conversation going even though I'm kinda meh about it (e.g. dancing). I try going to different places, including a few 18+ places. I'm an introvert though I try my best IMing others, usually complimenting their looks even though sometimes I think their look is meh but their profile interests me.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. So far 99% of the "conversations" I get are either rude, boring (basically all I get are 1-2 word replies "hi" "ok" "thank u"), creepy (had a couple of people ask my RL address within a few sentences), completely ignored, or just bland dirty talk. I'm pretty sure my appearance is not a factor cause I spend a ridiculous amount of time perfecting it and almost everyone I talk with approve of it. I do have a distinctive Asian look though... I really hope it's not because most people only want to chat with people who look like they're from an English speaking country for a lack of a better word... Either most of the people in the places I go to are just not friend-worthy or I'm not trying hard enough? I literally think it's easier to make friends IRL than here...

Anyway mostly just venting... wondering if anyone else feels the same.

Edited July 29, 2020 by MelodicRain

[Talligurl]

I think part of the problem with making friends is that people come here for so many different reasons, so it is hard to find someone you connect with. I have also noticed that the crowds at some sims seems friendlier that others. Recently I have had the most luck finding people to be friends with at Mother Road, which isnt really the kind of place one expect to find an Asian person but I dont think anyone will mind.

[Bagnu]

1 hour ago, MelodicRain said:

I don't know why it's so hard making friends in SL. Ironically it used to be much simpler back in the prim/sculpty days when everyone looked like a clown, 90% of my friends list came from those days, and almost all my "active" friends are from then as well, but as expected most of those old friends have already quit SL. I try to be very friendly, chatty, funny, and open to all interests as long as I'm not totally grossed out by it (e.g. amputation or something), sometimes going as far as pretending I'm really into something just to get the conversation going even though I'm kinda meh about it (e.g. dancing). I try going to different places, including a few 18+ places. I'm an introvert though I try my best IMing others, usually complimenting their looks even though sometimes I think their look is meh but their profile interests me.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. So far 99% of the "conversations" I get are either rude, boring (basically all I get are 1-2 word replies "hi" "ok" "thank u"), creepy (had a couple of people ask my RL address within a few sentences), completely ignored, or just bland dirty talk. I'm pretty sure my appearance is not a factor cause I spend a ridiculous amount of time perfecting it and almost everyone I talk with approve of it. I do have a distinctive Asian look though... I really hope it's not because most people only want to chat with people who look like they're from an English speaking country for a lack of a better word... Either most of the people in the places I go to are just not friend-worthy or I'm not trying hard enough? I literally think it's easier to make friends IRL than here...

Anyway mostly just venting... wondering if anyone else feels the same.

Try going places where people share your interests. It shouldn't be hard. I have friends from all over the world. Did you go to adult sims or more general ones???  Your profile pic does look very young though. If you use that as an AV it could be an issue. 

[Chic Aeon]

I think it takes time. My early friends were ones I met when I was new and took building classes with. Later it became content  creators who I share info with and sometimes rant (we HAVE to RANT now and then). I have a very  very small friends list. But the folks that are there really ARE friends --- and to me, that's important.   So take your time. Try some classes maybe. You don't have to be NEW to take classes.  Or volunteer to be in a film? There are opportunities if you watch the forums. 

[Vanity Fair]

If you are into the blues, Bray's is a welcoming place that works hard to build s sense of community. I visited one day recently, and I had one of the friendliest welcomes I've encountered in over 14 years of visiting SL sims. Check it out.

And yes, I agree that it can be hard to make friends in SL because people join it for so many different reasons. Follow your interests and you will find like-minded folk. 

Edited July 30, 2020 by Vanity Fair

[Jordyn McGregor]

I agree that it's hard to make friends.  I've tried going places, being more active here, even joining AVMatch and approaching people there....nada.  I guess I am destined to be a workaholic hermit loner forever sorting my inventory on my skypad.

[Nick0678]

Stop worrying that much and put everyone from Second Life in the Friend Zone.

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by Nick0678

[Orwar]

   I'm just picky when it comes to people at all. I assume the majority of people I come across aren't worthwhile, and just cherry-pick my way through it, judging people by various factors such as how they talk, how they look, what they say, what's in their profile, whether we have any common interests, etc. I'm an introvert, so what little social energy I have I'd rather spend with people who don't make me want to slap some sense into their heads, or send them back to grammar school. If I see someone who appears interesting, I'll give them a nudge and see what happens - if there's nothing interesting about an avatar or the contents of their profile, I'll just move along.

   I don't think I ever really went looking for friends in SL though, I just pursue my own interests and bump into people along the way. I abhor clubbing and 'social hangouts', they reek of desperation and are almost always crawling with degenerate creeps, like maggots in roadkill. 

[MelodicRain]

14 hours ago, Bagnu said:

Try going places where people share your interests. It shouldn't be hard. I have friends from all over the world. Did you go to adult sims or more general ones???  Your profile pic does look very young though. If you use that as an AV it could be an issue. 

This is an alt I use for building and testing.

[Ren Toxx]

I don’t ‘make’ friends, I let it happen naturally. I don’t deviate an inch from what I’d otherwise do: go to populated areas, see what they do, join if & when I want. If I visit often, little by little I see whom I like, and who likes me. I talk more with them, do more stuff. At some point there’s effectively a friendship; sometimes it’s reflected in my Friends list, sometimes it isn’t—by that point, they already know that’s the last thing I concern myself with, and that if they fuss about it, it’s less likely to happen.

Point is, sometimes if you try too hard, you start doing things that effectively hamper the friendship without realizing it. Maybe you don’t act naturally and some sense it, or act as something you aren’t— and next day when your supposed (potential) ‘friend’ talks to you again and finds the real ‘you’, it’s not what they hoped. Could be lots of things; all because you tried making it happen.

So, don’t try. Do your thing, let friendship find you. Yes, you may get a few less nominal ‘friends’ that way, but they’ll be truer ones. And you won’t have to do anything you wouldn’t otherwise do, so it certainly won’t be ‘hard’ 😉

Edited July 30, 2020 by Ren Toxx

[Paul Hexem]

It's a lot like fishing. Super boring and time consuming except for those big exciting payoffs.

Put in your profile things you like. Advertise yourself a little. Go places that align with your interests. Maybe make forum posts like these!

Then comes the hard part- opening dialog with strangers. Everyone wants to sit and wait for people to IM them, then they wonder why they're sitting around by themselves. Gotta be proactive and reach out a little.

[MelodicRain]

15 hours ago, Jordan Whitt said:

I agree that it's hard to make friends.  I've tried going places, being more active here, even joining AVMatch and approaching people there....nada.  I guess I am destined to be a workaholic hermit loner forever sorting my inventory on my skypad.

Sounds like me, especially the last part cause I'm a complete shopoholic and spend way too much time dressing up. Never thought it's hard to not be a loner in a social sim...

5 hours ago, Orwar said:

   I'm just picky when it comes to people at all. I assume the majority of people I come across aren't worthwhile, and just cherry-pick my way through it, judging people by various factors such as how they talk, how they look, what they say, what's in their profile, whether we have any common interests, etc. I'm an introvert, so what little social energy I have I'd rather spend with people who don't make me want to slap some sense into their heads, or send them back to grammar school. If I see someone who appears interesting, I'll give them a nudge and see what happens - if there's nothing interesting about an avatar or the contents of their profile, I'll just move along.

   I don't think I ever really went looking for friends in SL though, I just pursue my own interests and bump into people along the way. I abhor clubbing and 'social hangouts', they reek of desperation and are almost always crawling with degenerate creeps, like maggots in roadkill. 

I used to be picky because my standards are rather high (both for myself and others). I have very specific taste in things especially music/movies and of course fashion. I used to be the type who don't really continue a conversation if I dislike their look, or dislike something in their profile. However obviously that didn't work out  (otherwise there wouldn't be a rant here) so I tried "lowering my standards" to be more open to more types of people, but that didn't work out either. I wish I was lucky like you to simply pursue my interests and bump into friendly people... but SL doesn't really have many places like that, it kind of revolves around either shopping, or clubs.

1 hour ago, Ren Toxx said:

I don’t ‘make’ friends, I let it happen naturally. I don’t deviate an inch from what I’d otherwise do: go to populated areas, see what they do, join if & when I want. If I visit often, little by little I see whom I like, and who likes me. I talk more with them, do more stuff. At some point there’s effectively a friendship; sometimes it’s reflected in my Friends list, sometimes it isn’t—by that point, they already know that’s the last thing I concern myself with, and that if they fuss about it, it’s less likely to happen.

Point is, sometimes if you try too hard, you start doing things that effectively hamper the friendship without realizing it. Maybe you don’t act naturally and some sense it, or act as something you aren’t— and next day when your supposed (potential) ‘friend’ talks to you again and finds the real ‘you’, it’s not what they hoped. Could be lots of things; all because you tried making it happen.

So, don’t try. Do your thing, let friendship find you. Yes, you may get a few less nominal ‘friends’ that way, but they’ll be truer ones. And you won’t have to do anything you wouldn’t otherwise do, so it certainly won’t be ‘hard’ 😉

If I raise my standards then I'll find even less people, because what I'm doing right now is relaxing my filters and being more open to different types of people, even ones I'm not particularly fond of. "Letting friendship find you" is easier said than done, cause SL revolves around shopping, dancing, and sex clubs pretty much. I would love to find populated hangouts catered to my 900 other interests, but pretty much every other sim is dead.

 

Also, as mentioned above this is an alt. I've been on SL for a very long time, so I'm not trying to make like 50 friends within a month or something. Tbh I'd be happy just to have like ~10 active friends... which sounds sad yes, cause I only have like 3-4 active friends atm who are all in other timezones. =.=

Edited July 30, 2020 by MelodicRain

[storcker Binder]

For myself I found myself in a similar boat, friends list of 5 people at one point once I wiped all out who I either don't speak to or don't come on SL anymore.

But as I began to do things I enjoyed such as riding my bike, scripting and making things, I began to meet peple, make real connections and now I have a nice little friend circle of 4 I spend all day with watch movies, hanging out and all that jazz and about 80 or so people I am friends with, talk to on occasion and have a lot in common with.

If you're looking for friends, we are out here and want to be your friend too

[Ren Toxx]

I hang out at places like London City or Ahern. They’re generic hangouts, not about shopping, clubbing or bonking, and they’re sedate enough that they let you be, if you’re an introvert.

As for standards, obviously it’s up to you if you prefer quantity over quality. I’d rather have a few who know and respect that I’m not a shopaholic, a party animal or a trollop. In fact I can be a bit of a hard case, yet they accept and in fact like me just the way I am. That’s priceless.

[Bagnu]

I have 193 friends so far. If you are into the Adult community I would be happy to introduce you to some!!! IM me when your inworld!!! And we DO sit around and chat about things other than sex!!!

Edited July 30, 2020 by Bagnu

[MelodicRain]

21 minutes ago, Bagnu said:

I have 193 friends so far. If you are into the Adult community I would be happy to introduce you to some!!! IM me when your inworld!!! And we DO sit around and chat about things other than sex!!!

That's interesting, what are some of the things you discuss in these adult communities? It's kinda easy to equate "adult" with "sex" in SL cause at least that's what every adult sim is about. I'm unable to find you in-world however since your profile is hidden from the search engine.

[Bagnu]

2 hours ago, MelodicRain said:

That's interesting, what are some of the things you discuss in these adult communities? It's kinda easy to equate "adult" with "sex" in SL cause at least that's what every adult sim is about. I'm unable to find you in-world however since your profile is hidden from the search engine.

I have to fix that!!! Some have found me though, and it was truly nice to meet them!!!

With my friends, we talk about why we are in SL. Our AV's and clothes. Shopping. Places to rent. Furniture. How nice or not nice a particular Sim is. How we are feeling in RL (without giving too much RL info). Our experiences in SL. Just about any  RL tor SL topic you could imagine. The list is endless!!! 

It does get kinky of course. It depends on what sims someone goes to, and the people they meet. Most people are nice, but not everyone is. I have had to pull my claws out a few times!!!

 

 

[Reiille]

Yeah I've noticed it's become harder and harder to interact or make friends in any meaningful way these past years, one of the reasons I sometimes leave SL for months on end.
I'm in the same boat, even gone out of my way to actively talk in group chats (which I don't like to do a lot) and still kind of fall off the radar. Maybe the crowd's changed too much from earlier days and that doesn't really help.

[Ina Fairport]

Same here, old friends are gone. Only one friend left from the old days.
I have given up making new friends. Sometimes I stay away from SL for months.

[Maitimo]

All but one of my active friends are people I met at clubs, or at parties in Bellisseria (which are basically "clubs" in someone's house). The other one is someone I already knew outside of SL years before I joined. 

You need to find a club that is active in local chat (with real conversation, not just gestures) and you need to get involved in that local chat. And you need to go regularly, to the same event at the same time of day/week, for weeks on end, so that you become known as a "regular". At that stage, friendships happen naturally. But you can't be a stranger - no-one wants to make friends with a person they've only just met. And no-one wants to hang out with people who aren't their friends already. 

I've found that finding and joining groups related to "special interests and hobbies" yields zero results. People seem happy to discuss that specific interest but no more.

[Arielle Popstar]

On 7/29/2020 at 7:08 PM, MelodicRain said:

I'm pretty sure my appearance is not a factor cause I spend a ridiculous amount of time perfecting it and almost everyone I talk with approve of it.

Though not lacking in friends I have met over the years that are still active, I was a little curious why I was never approached when I was at clubs and venues while out on my own. Like you I spend quite a bit of time shopping, dressing and adjusting for the best possible looks with good bodies and heads. A few months ago I logged in with an old alt account that I had never updated to mesh and since I didn't want to spend a lot on it, I purchased a 300L$ KG complete mesh avatar with clothes and hair. It's a cute look but not the best of quality. I took it out to a couple clubs and to my surprise was almost immediately getting swamped with complimentary IM's and just friendly chats. It happened on more then a few occasions and just as a test, I would log out of the alt account and log back in with my regular account and would get nothing.

I talked to a few friends about it asking why they thought there was such a difference and most put it down to that the cheap avatar just seemed more approachable because of its imperfections. Since then I have toned down a few of my main account's outfits and started to get a little more interaction.

[MelodicRain]

48 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Though not lacking in friends I have met over the years that are still active, I was a little curious why I was never approached when I was at clubs and venues while out on my own. Like you I spend quite a bit of time shopping, dressing and adjusting for the best possible looks with good bodies and heads. A few months ago I logged in with an old alt account that I had never updated to mesh and since I didn't want to spend a lot on it, I purchased a 300L$ KG complete mesh avatar with clothes and hair. It's a cute look but not the best of quality. I took it out to a couple clubs and to my surprise was almost immediately getting swamped with complimentary IM's and just friendly chats. It happened on more then a few occasions and just as a test, I would log out of the alt account and log back in with my regular account and would get nothing.

I talked to a few friends about it asking why they thought there was such a difference and most put it down to that the cheap avatar just seemed more approachable because of its imperfections. Since then I have toned down a few of my main account's outfits and started to get a little more interaction.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks that! I thought it was the weirdest trend I noticed in SL. Maybe due to how "high quality" our avatars look, it might actually appear as intimidating or people who, for a lack of a better word, don't meet that standard? I also noticed if I dress up too fancy, like in a fantasy-themed outfit or something, I get way less IMs and people seem to be more indifferent to my IMs, compared to if I'm just dressed in a top, shorts and heels. Additionally it's really sad that I get way more IMs if I look more... "western", i.e. slightly darker skin, blonde/brown hair, very American/European clothing, etc. The moment I switch to my paler skin, black or anime-ish hair, and chic Asian-style outfit, which is the look I identify with, people seem to not like it much anymore, some even going as far as tell me I look weird.

People say you should be unique in SL and stay true to your identity, but too bad most people only seem to like a very specific type of look.

Edited July 31, 2020 by MelodicRain

[Arielle Popstar]

"Intimidating" was the exact word a couple friends used though my look is in no way Domme so I didn't want to use it here in case it gave the wrong impression. Same on the paler skin seeming to be a factor in approach-ability too as well as the western styled clothing. It isn't something I am overly concerned about but it is interesting and motivates me to experiment with different looks and outfits to see the response. 

[AdminGirl]

I met friends while doing my own thing, like exploring beaches and other sims, and sorting stuff at sandboxes.

I'd say dont try too hard pretending to think or like something if you really don't. I can usually tell when someone's not completely for real, it shows. Even if it doesn't, that friendship wouldn't last very long anyway.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

I'm a pretty outgoing, chatty person . . . but I've always found making friends to be hard work.

I don't mean that in a negative way, though. I mean that establishing real friendships, ones that go beyond a quick wave in IM, require effort and time. So, if I go to a club or some other place that is relatively chatty and welcoming, I still don't expect to instantly walk away with a basket of new friends. I join in, tentatively and carefully at first (because it's important to get a sense of the community before barging in), and I'll return several times, gradually establishing myself, and getting to know the others there. And from that, actually, very real, lasting, and important friendships develop.

A lot of my friends come from this forum. The same principle applies here, though: establish who you are over time, get to know the community, and pay attention to the others posting. Start with a friendly DM about something inconsequential, and see how things unfold from there.

I'm not much into the idea, being somewhat mooted here, that finding friends is like window shopping: just read those profiles until you find one you like, and then make your purchase! It doesn't work like that in RL, and it really doesn't work like that here either, at least not for lasting friendships. A friendship is a mutual exchange of interest and, eventually, caring, and I'm very aware that I also have to demonstrate that I'm someone that they might want to get to know better.

So, it's work. And time.

But it's worth it, because people are worth it. And the friendships that you nurture and grow that way are everything: they are the real reason I'm here at all.