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Beth Macbain

How are you feeling today?

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18 minutes ago, Tolya Ugajin said:

Pffft, blasphemy!  Your thin, foldable New York style is Old Testament - true salvation came from the Midwestern US, where the New Testament of deep dish pizza was born!

Does this mean I get to mud wrestle you to establish pizza dominance?

New York? Pfffft.

Savage. You're almost 4,500 miles too far west. Genuine, canonical pizza, the True Savour (see what I did there?) comes from Rome, from Naples, from Milan. And THEY make it with a crust so delicate and delicious you hardly need to put anything on it at all.

23 minutes ago, Tolya Ugajin said:

Does this mean I get to mud wrestle you to establish pizza dominance?

Damn right.

Just as soon as I'm back in peak condition.

I'll let you know.

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1 hour ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

New York? Pfffft.

Savage. You're almost 4,500 miles too far west. Genuine, canonical pizza, the True Savour (see what I did there?) comes from Rome, from Naples, from Milan. And THEY make it with a crust so delicate and delicious you hardly need to put anything on it at all.

Damn right.

Just as soon as I'm back in peak condition.

I'll let you know.

Can i be the ref?

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5 hours ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

New York? Pfffft.

Savage. You're almost 4,500 miles too far west. Genuine, canonical pizza, the True Savour (see what I did there?) comes from Rome, from Naples, from Milan. And THEY make it with a crust so delicate and delicious you hardly need to put anything on it at all.

Damn right.

Just as soon as I'm back in peak condition.

I'll let you know.

I bow to your superior theological knowledge, oh High Priestess of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If we're going to wait for training to reach peak condition, then I'll need a time machine.  The only shape I've been in since hitting 45 is round.

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Ok ok to bring back the somber and deep tone to the thread, just remember that all of yesterday’s pizza is now going to be today’s poo (provided we are not unhealthily clogged up) and I actually feel worse today than I did yesterday, delicious pizza aside. I’m going to fast today, and just rest. Also our diabetic cat is not doing so well either, we are having much more trouble getting his insulin regulated now and expensive observation stays at the vet only to be told ‘try 1/2 unit more, ok, now try 1/2 unit less’...not helping. 

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28 minutes ago, Fauve Aeon said:

Ok ok to bring back the somber and deep tone to the thread, just remember that all of yesterday’s pizza is now going to be today’s poo (provided we are not unhealthily clogged up) and I actually feel worse today than I did yesterday, delicious pizza aside. I’m going to fast today, and just rest. Also our diabetic cat is not doing so well either, we are having much more trouble getting his insulin regulated now and expensive observation stays at the vet only to be told ‘try 1/2 unit more, ok, now try 1/2 unit less’...not helping. 

I'm happy that you can be there for your cat. He is extremely lucky to have someone so loving in his life and all of us are lucky that gather here in various mental states and sobriety. It's very hard to be optimistic when the sun is stubborn to wake up every morning and disappears so early on us. But I am reminded of a poem which was found on a bunk in Auschwitz, but had a profound impact on me. If I may be allowed, I would like to share it...

 

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there’s no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent.

I believe through any trial,
there is always a way
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter,
to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me, saying hold on
my child, I’ll give you strength,
I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent
I believe through any trial
there is always a way.

May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace….”

– Uknown

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I’ve always kept how I am feeling at any particular time to myself because I figure (in SL and RL) “you don’t know me, I’m a stranger to you, so why would you care?” (The only other time is when I posted that song by Kyu Sakamoto in this thread, which I figure most never listened to and of those who did: the meaning is ambiguous to you. Let's just say "not happiness.")

Though I feel the giddy effect of cloud nine for the first time in years and I supposed it’s just the urge to share that happiness with others. If this feeling makes me hypocrite then I am hypocrite, but I'm a happy hypocrite.

Edited by Alyona Su
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2 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

I’ve always kept how I am feeling at any particular time to myself because I figure (in SL and RL) “you don’t know me, I’m a stranger to you, so why would you care?”

Though I feel the giddy effect of cloud nine for the first time in years and I supposed it’s just the urge to share that happiness with others. If this feeling makes me hypocrite then I am hypocrite, but I'm a happy hypocrite.

There is nothing wrong with being happy and that doesn't make you a hypocrite at all. We all strive to be happy and live meaningful lives and I think we should celebrate and clap for each other a little more often. Guilt is should have no place in our lives. Gratitude, however, should always and forever be welcomed.

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21 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

...stuff I read too, so there...

Also, how are you punishing your avi? I might want to do some of that, too!

The forced potluck wasn't terrible. In our white elephant gift exchange, I scored this lava lamp...

850573503_LavaLamp.thumb.jpg.e9364f17c526195c2a55fc4eef22fd8d.jpg

... and I can't stop laughing. 

Wait, wut... you want to punish my avatar too? :::starts getting indignant and fires up the fast typing fingers while thinking of fantastic zingers:::

:::pauses:::

Hm. :::Thinks, Hold on there a second. That might be kind of fun.:::

:::smiles sweetly at Beth:::

:::And then looks at the phallically shaped lava lamp and...:::

(Lava lamp? You get lava lamps at your work? Aren't you also the one who said you have these (to me hellishly icky sounding) empowerment meetings in the mornings? Plus you get enough unsupervised time where you can bomb the forums if you want? I used to be the queen of resenting potlucks (a few long stories there), but girl, I'd be coming in with freaking prime rib--with a vegan option--at this place. )

 

Edited by Seicher Rae
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34 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

I’ve always kept how I am feeling at any particular time to myself because I figure (in SL and RL) “you don’t know me, I’m a stranger to you, so why would you care?” (The only other time is when I posted that song by Kyu Sakamoto in this thread, which I figure most never listened to and of those who did: the meaning is ambiguous to you. Let's just say "not happiness.")

Though I feel the giddy effect of cloud nine for the first time in years and I supposed it’s just the urge to share that happiness with others. If this feeling makes me hypocrite then I am hypocrite, but I'm a happy hypocrite.

Years ago, when I thought I had actual friends from the Forums, I opened up and got trolled for it, and it hurt. Part of that was on me, for having stupid expectations (but you'll not find me victim shaming). And no, I also learned no one listens to the songs (now you make me want to go back to find it because I can always use another "not happiness" song for my dark and mopey playlist). However, coming back to the Forum, with a new attitude (open to friendship, generally friendly and goofy, with a good dose of eff-it-if-you-don't-like-me), it is precisely because you all are strangers that a few of my Yeah, this is how it is comments have been made. I can't or wouldn't say it in RL. Sometimes it is good (for some of us) to be able to vent and walk away. Even still, I have started many a post in this thread only to stop or delete them.

I'm glad you shared your happiness moment. There's got to be a little up to counterbalance the down. For me, I get giddy reading about your giddiness. Yay! There's some of that out there! A sliver of hope! So whatever it is, so happy for you.

I find it rather uplifting that people can have sorrow and joy and compassion for complete strangers.

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14 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

now you make me want to go back to find it because I can always use another "not happiness" song for my dark and mopey playlist

Thank you for your reply. :)

As for the song, it sounds upbeat, but the lyrics are not and that is why, for me, it is the perfect song. This version shows the English translation lyrics on screen while the song plays (so you can watch it without sound, etc.). I'll post it here for anyone else curious about it. My father had his albums and apparently this song, in full Japanese, make number 1 on American charts in ancient, er... LOL a few decades ago. I remembered the song (I always knew the lyrics) and so...

If you can actually listen to it: it sounds happy, go lucky "I'm in love!" - then you understand the lyrics and it's oh, no... 😢

 

 

Edited by Alyona Su
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I don’t think it’s that ‘feeling happy and sharing it in a feelings thread’ is hypocritical, I think it’s more that people who only share the happy but don’t share struggle, pain and other vulnerability too are frequently  (often in error) looked at as hypocritical, or worse it’s seen as an engineered attempt to paint a certain picture, one that only includes part of the equation. I really don’t begrudge anyone their happiness, and often if they can only bring themselves to share that part then they are already missing the full benefit of the ‘people’ connection so it’s really a bit too bad. 

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1 hour ago, Alyona Su said:

Though I feel the giddy effect of cloud nine for the first time in years and I supposed it’s just the urge to share that happiness with others. If this feeling makes me hypocrite then I am hypocrite, but I'm a happy hypocrite.

Thank you for posting that, Alyona.  I have been following this thread silently from the start.  Silently, because although my son has struggled off and on with clinical depression for 20 years, I am unusually even-spirited and even happy most of the time.  I feel rather guilty about admitting that, because I don't want to make it sound as if I am trying to trivialize the struggles that I know so many people have to deal with every day.  I'm just lucky, I guess.  Nasty things happen to me the same as they happen to other people, and I have lost more friends and family members each year. My mind doesn't spiral in on itself for some reason, but moves on. I worry that it signals some emotional deficiency, and that I may be in denial or worse. Still, my days are bright and hopeful, and I care a good deal about people around me.

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2 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

Thank you for posting that, Alyona.  I have been following this thread silently from the start.  Silently, because although my son has struggled off and on with clinical depression for 20 years, I am unusually even-spirited and even happy most of the time.  I feel rather guilty about admitting that, because I don't want to make it sound as if I am trying to trivialize the struggles that I know so many people have to deal with every day.  I'm just lucky, I guess.  Nasty things happen to me the same as they happen to other people, and I have lost more friends and family members each year. My mind doesn't spiral in on itself for some reason, but moves on. I worry that it signals some emotional deficiency, and that I may be in denial or worse. Still, my days are bright and hopeful, and I care a good deal about people around me.

We really were separated (by both time and space) at birth.

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19 minutes ago, Alyona Su said:

Thank you for your reply. :)

As for the song, it sounds upbeat, but the lyrics are not and that is why, for me, it is the perfect song. This version shows the English translation lyrics on screen while the song plays (so you can watch it without sound, etc.). I'll post it here for anyone else curious about it. My father had his albums and apparently this song, in full Japanese, make number 1 on American charts in ancient, er... LOL a few decades ago. I remembered the song (I always knew the lyrics) and so...

If you can actually listen to it: it sounds happy, go lucky "I'm in love!" - then you understand the lyrics and it's oh, no... 😢

 

 

I always liked that song and I did listen to it when you posted it.  Thank you. :) 

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52 minutes ago, Seicher Rae said:

Years ago, when I thought I had actual friends from the Forums, I opened up and got trolled for it, and it hurt.

I’m sorry this happened. That’s the risk always for me when I share something real in a place online. I don’t do it as much or as openly as I used to anymore but there is also something so profound about being able to share even some measure of my joys and sorrows, that even with the risk of trolls, misunderstanding and drama, I’m very glad that many of us still do it a little, and learn things and make some important emotional connections as a result.

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6 hours ago, Fauve Aeon said:

diabetic cat is not doing so well either

I'm so sorry. I love my kitties and it's devastating when they have illnesses and you don't they don't feel well and there isn't a lot you can do. 

hugs to you and the kitty

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1 hour ago, Seicher Rae said:

(Lava lamp? You get lava lamps at your work? Aren't you also the one who said you have these (to me hellishly icky sounding) empowerment meetings in the mornings? Plus you get enough unsupervised time where you can bomb the forums if you want? I used to be the queen of resenting potlucks (a few long stories there), but girl, I'd be coming in with freaking prime rib--with a vegan option--at this place. )

I started with a foot massager, but someone stole it so I went for the lava lamp! And the community meetings happen at the beginning of all our meetings now, and they are honestly great. No one is every all chipper and OTT happy and stuff - they aren't those kind of team-building crap meetings. These are just sort of knowing what headspace your coworkers are in, what they're trying to accomplish, and if they need help with anything. It's very humanizing. It's really nice to be able to say "You know, I'm feeling like I can't breath today and everything is just all too much," and have people not only empathize, but come to check on me and offer help. 

(Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I work in a nonprofit that serves children who are experiencing some sort of horrifying crisis - terminal illnesses, severe physical abuse, sexual trafficking, being abandoned, and a whole plethora of the worst stuff no one should ever see.)

So when we have these meetings and check-ins, it's not just for show. We really do have to care and keep an eye out for each other - and learning to say "Hey, I'm not okay" is important. 

I'm also rather ignoring work that I should be doing but I'm not necessarily doing okay at the moment. It is true, though, that if we get the things done that we need to get done, the bosses don't care that we goof around. Sleep in, leave early, long lunch, sit and read Buzzfeed for a few hours helps us stay sane while we're dealing with the unimaginable. 

It's not that I resent potlucks since I love to eat. I just resent not being able to hide under my desk and avoid doing anything holiday related since December is the month when I know I'm absolutely not going to be okay and I hate having to force smiles.

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42 minutes ago, Fauve Aeon said:

That’s the risk always for me when I share something real in a place online.

Honestly, I've found more genuine love, friendship, and acceptance online than I ever have in RL. I have friends, really amazing friends, that I've known for over 20 years now due to a shared loved of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We've all met face to face over the years at one time or another, but we're spread across the country. We stay close on FB now instead of Yahoo Groups, but we've been there for births and deaths, marriages, divorces, grandkids, losing jobs, starting jobs, moving, etc., etc. etc. I know this group of women that I've met in RL only a handful of times would drop everything to be there for me if I needed them, and we all know each other in that way only internet friends can because it's so easy to share. 

People in my RL have been much more untrustworthy and disappointing. 

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49 minutes ago, Beth Macbain said:

[...] - and learning to say "Hey, I'm not okay" is important. [...]

I can't stress enough how true that is.

I'm doing somewhat better today. I've managed to solve a problem by confronting people about it, talking it through and looking for solutions together, which went well - sounds trivial, is an archivement for me though. I usually run away from confrontations. I'm scared of people.
And I baked again, I've now done 12 sheets of cookies. And I still worry it might not be enough. Since I'll be spending christmas with my boyfriends family, I'd feel bad not being able to give something, because I am honestly gratefull that they'll have me over for christmas. But the family is huuuuge - 12 people! So I'm making a big tin-can full of cookies for them. I had planned to give everyone an individual bag of cookies, but that'd have been too much work/cookies, and I don't even know if everyone likes cookies. Some people eat more, some less, I hope it evens out. Of course, I also make cookies for his friends and himself, but that's only 4 bag I need to make, that's okay. I still need to do that, though.  Also, I just glazed some of the cookies with chocolate now. I melt too much chocolate, though, so I'm dipping segments of clementines into the left-overs and eat them as a make-shift fondue. I still have a lot to do, and I'm stressing out. 

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7 minutes ago, Sukubia Scarmon said:

I can't stress enough how true that is.

I'm doing somewhat better today. I've managed to solve a problem by confronting people about it, talking it through and looking for solutions together, which went well - sounds trivial, is an archivement for me though. I usually run away from confrontations. I'm scared of people.
And I baked again, I've now done 12 sheets of cookies. And I still worry it might not be enough. Since I'll be spending christmas with my boyfriends family, I'd feel bad not being able to give something, because I am honestly gratefull that they'll have me over for christmas. But the family is huuuuge - 12 people! So I'm making a big tin-can full of cookies for them. I had planned to give everyone an individual bag of cookies, but that'd have been too much work/cookies, and I don't even know if everyone likes cookies. Some people eat more, some less, I hope it evens out. Of course, I also make cookies for his friends and himself, but that's only 4 bag I need to make, that's okay. I still need to do that, though.  Also, I just glazed some of the cookies with chocolate now. I melt too much chocolate, though, so I'm dipping segments of clementines into the left-overs and eat them as a make-shift fondue. I still have a lot to do, and I'm stressing out. 

There is nothing I'd rather have for Christmas than homemade cookies except maybe the chocolate-dipped clementines... those sound amazing!

I get you about the confrontations. I hate them for reasons that I'm sure others understand - I am always afraid that if I make a fuss about anything, whoever I'm making the fuss with will just walk out of my life because I'm not worth the trouble. It's the same story at work. I've been here forever, my boss reassures me all the freaking time of my value, I am the only person that knows how to do my job (and it's not something they can go without for any period of time) yet I still have this absolute fear that one day I'll just be told to pack up my office and go. It's not a reasonable fear, but... there it is. 

We will soon be learning about ways to have difficult conversations, and the difference between feeling safe (physically, mentally, emotionally) at work and feeling uncomfortable, especially in regards to these difficult conversations. I can't wait!

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3 hours ago, Seicher Rae said:

Wait, wut... you want to punish my avatar too? :::starts getting indignant and fires up the fast typing fingers while thinking of fantastic zingers:::

:::pauses:::

Hm. :::Thinks, Hold on there a second. That might be kind of fun.:::

:::smiles sweetly at Beth:::

:::And then looks at the phallically shaped lava lamp and...:::

(Lava lamp? You get lava lamps at your work? Aren't you also the one who said you have these (to me hellishly icky sounding) empowerment meetings in the mornings? Plus you get enough unsupervised time where you can bomb the forums if you want? I used to be the queen of resenting potlucks (a few long stories there), but girl, I'd be coming in with freaking prime rib--with a vegan option--at this place. )

 

I will be the first to admit thats its been a very long time since i had a lava lamp, but dont they get flesh burningly hot? I know my mind is usually in the sewer but that sounds very very painful.. 

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8 minutes ago, Drake1 Nightfire said:

I will be the first to admit thats its been a very long time since i had a lava lamp, but dont they get flesh burningly hot? I know my mind is usually in the sewer but that sounds very very painful.. 

The base and the glass is incredibly hot and would definitely melt skin. 

The tip, though, is delightfully cool to the touch.

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11 minutes ago, Drake1 Nightfire said:

I will be the first to admit thats its been a very long time since i had a lava lamp, but dont they get flesh burningly hot? I know my mind is usually in the sewer but that sounds very very painful.. 

You're not supposed to sit on it!

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2 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

You're not supposed to sit on it!

Apparently you missed the photos of my lava lamp.

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