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Beth Macbain

How are you feeling today?

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Puzzled and detached from myself, and not worrying about it. Just letting some 'being now' come through and letting the love and safety of my pagan family wash over me.

Light, love, and acceptance to you all xx

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   After a night of excruciating pain and a trip to the ER, with little sleep to speak of, I'm looking forward to half-sleeping on a train for two and a half hours. Gone until Friday!

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34 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   After a night of excruciating pain and a trip to the ER, with little sleep to speak of, I'm looking forward to half-sleeping on a train for two and a half hours. Gone until Friday!

Pain? Why fore?

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Yesterday was kinda nervous day for me, not really nice sleep.  had some sms-time with dude i wanted to go to coffee house.Maybe it s my paranoia, but while we talked i felt less and less interest in me from him(i know he don t need to love me soo much after 1 meet at chrostmas fair, but still).His answers was short, and questions was like "just to ask". I know it s no problem to spend nice time at coffee house and all that, but after bad sleep i decided to cancel this meet. Wrote him in the morning,he asked why,i responded that i better need to focus in my work(thats true).and i said sorry for this.He don t answered.:)and this no answer showed me much more than things he said before.So now i focused on more important things.Felt sad for a moment,but life still goes on and soon all these will be in 2019 as just some memories

Edited by Panteleeva
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The solstice has passed, I feel better already.  Just a few more days and I know I will feel better. My spirits lift every Boxing day.

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I had a lovely weekend and got to spend time with my gentleman friend, as well as just do a lot of goofing off and exploring in SL that I haven't taken the time for lately. I bought an amazing hot air balloon and just had a good time.

Today, though... back at work and stressed by the mess of it all, and all the damn people asking intrusive questions like "What are you doing for Christmas?"

"NOTHING, Linda! I'm not doing anything. I'll be at home alone in my pajamas with my cats and some spiked eggnog pondering the futility of life. Anything else you want to know?"

Bah freaking humbug.

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Thud. Just talked with my sister.  My dad is dying. They can't decide whether or not to put him back in the hospital or to start hospice.

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Mentally I'm fine but physical health not so much but I be okay, I will just keep plodding on. 

Big hugs for you @kali Wylder I'm sorry to read your news, so extra hugs for you!

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5 minutes ago, kali Wylder said:

Thud. Just talked with my sister.  My dad is dying. They can't decide whether or not to put him back in the hospital or to start hospice.

Oh, Kali, I am so very sorry. There is never a good time for news like that, but on Dec 23rd? 

I don't know what else to do or say so I'm just going to virtual-hug you for a few hours, okay? 😢

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On 12/18/2019 at 9:04 AM, Marut72 said:

 We all strive to be happy and live meaningful lives 

Maybe, once upon a time.  Most of the time now though, I just want to make it through the day.

 

 

On 12/18/2019 at 10:13 AM, Fauve Aeon said:

I don’t think it’s that ‘feeling happy and sharing it in a feelings thread’ is hypocritical, I think it’s more that people who only share the happy but don’t share struggle, pain and other vulnerability too are frequently  (often in error) looked at as hypocritical, or worse it’s seen as an engineered attempt to paint a certain picture, one that only includes part of the equation. I really don’t begrudge anyone their happiness, and often if they can only bring themselves to share that part then they are already missing the full benefit of the ‘people’ connection so it’s really a bit too bad. 

Like Seicher, I've had some really bad experiences with being truly open about some personal stuff.  Combine that with me being raised in an atmosphere of 'never complain about your own stuff'.  Thus, for the most part, I've just found it easier on myself if I just don't.  I can mention a positive now & then, I can whine about misc work or home stuff, but just can't make myself really talk about the negative personal stuff.  

 

 

 

On 12/20/2019 at 12:21 PM, Beth Macbain said:

Frick... I actually love Grape Nuts, but with a little milk (not enough to make it soggy), and a bunch of sugar.

When I was a child, no matter how small of a bowl of other cereals that I prepared, it just always seemed to get soggy way too fast - much faster than I could eat it.  Once time, when my mom was extra frustrated with finances, she saw me get up from the table with soggy cereal still in the bowl that I was going to dump.  She made me sit back down and finish eating it.  I gagged with every spoonful and threw up twice finishing that bowl of cereal.  I've not eaten anything but Grape Nuts since that day -- with just a tiny bit of milk and lots of sugar.

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On 12/20/2019 at 1:53 AM, LexxiXhan said:

including finding out whether I've successfully dissipated my misguided sister-crush

Update: She ambushed me! In the kitchen, after everyone else was starting to chill from the formalities and festivities. Jumped out and pounced with a 'squee!', and all anxiety just fell away as we hugged one of our long, raw 'us' hugs ❤️

Then we had a *****ing good natter and heart to heart for an hour or so.

We're cool x

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I’m really worn out, I just retain zero energy or zest. I’m going to make an appointment with a new doctor and get a physical and bloodwork to see if there’s something physically wrong. I’m a bit overdue for a pap and exam anyway plus just a general physical. Maybe my hormones or thyroid is out of whack. Meantime I think I’ll dig out my mat and just do some slow Hatha yoga every day. Can’t hurt, might help. I’m also always cold. That’s usual when it IS a little cold inside, I’m not a person who gets too warm easily... but lately I am still cold when I crank the room heat and wear a sweater. That can’t be right.

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14 hours ago, kali Wylder said:

Thud. Just talked with my sister.  My dad is dying. They can't decide whether or not to put him back in the hospital or to start hospice.

 

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12 hours ago, Fauve Aeon said:

I’m really worn out, I just retain zero energy or zest. I’m going to make an appointment with a new doctor and get a physical and bloodwork to see if there’s something physically wrong. I’m a bit overdue for a pap and exam anyway plus just a general physical. Maybe my hormones or thyroid is out of whack. Meantime I think I’ll dig out my mat and just do some slow Hatha yoga every day. Can’t hurt, might help. I’m also always cold. That’s usual when it IS a little cold inside, I’m not a person who gets too warm easily... but lately I am still cold when I crank the room heat and wear a sweater. That can’t be right.

I think we are all similar and we all burn ourselves out. It’s the cost of the civilization we’ve created I guess. The cost of having comfort. We have removed ourselves from nature and we get affected not only what is going on inside of us but also by all the things that are going on around us. 

I think you have the right idea with yoga. I should do more of it in my life as well. Going outside for a walk great too.

I find silence very soothing.

I also recommend reading a great book, especially something non fiction. Whatever you do last before bed ends up being replayed in your mind while you sleep I am told. I find this to be true. 

Most of all. We may all be different, but we’re in this together!

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18 hours ago, kali Wylder said:

Thud. Just talked with my sister.  My dad is dying. They can't decide whether or not to put him back in the hospital or to start hospice.

So sorry to hear this.  May you find comfort in your loved ones.

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We're almost there, people! In 48 hours, Christmas will be nothing but an unpleasant memory for another year.

I'm at work all day, and I'm not especially happy about that, but I'll not be doing a lot of work. There is still work to do, but I'm sort of in silent protest mode over several other staff members who are "working from home" today so they don't have to take an extra vacation day. I know, and you know, and they know, and everyone knows, that they aren't going to be doing a damn bit of work. 

My family hasn't started poking me yet about spending the day alone, and I hope that it means that they've accepted my Grinchiness and desire to just pretend tomorrow is a regular Wednesday. 

Eh... maybe I will get some work done after all. I can play on the internet all day, but I'll be bored with that by noon. Oh, and someone gave me a pound cake so I can sit and stuff that in my face and get a nice sugar high going as well.

Is everyone else doing okay? @kali Wylder, I'm especially concerned about you! Please let us know how you're doing and if we can help in any way! 

hugs and stuff to everyone

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Today is meh.  Tomorrow I'll go for a walk while the traffic has quietened down.  Then I'll plot my escape.

I wish everybody what they wish for, and, if it doesn't happen, then at least a nice dream of it.

I'll be inworld at some point tomorrow, so if you're at a loose end give me a wave and I'll port you over.  I have cake.

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Today is ok.  Prep done.  Kids will be happy.  I have gone OTT obviously overcompensating.  Dog is sneezing a little blood now but still happy enough.  I know what is coming after discussion with vet last week but we aren't there yet.  One glass of wine tonight and I will be asleep.  Hugs to all with an extra one for Kali

Here's a pic of my old man enjoying his treat earlier

Image may contain: shoes

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Disgruntled. My GTX 970 seems to have decided to crap itself. I’ve already RMA’d one, this will make my EVGA B-stock video card almost as expensive as a new 1650 Super. I think it’s time to cut my losses on this thing.

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Weirdly in a good place. Calm even, even though my sleep cycle has been severely messed up for several days. I got a lovely gift in the mail from my SL/RL bff&e. Happiness and grateful. Then the SL gods seem to have responded to my pushing my introverted self out into the world to interact. (ACK! People! Virtual or otherwise! ACK!) In Seeker's secret language, one of the highest compliments is, "I think you're interesting." Believe me, that doesn't get said often, because: people. I've met an interesting guy and we've been getting along like gangbusters. Oh there's a catch alright, because the SL/RL gods are capricious ba**ards. Interesting guy is a Trump supporter. I... what... eff... but...  but... but...  Much wine was consumed on this side of the monitor at this news.

I bought cupcakes.

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It is a work holiday for me and my husband went to the office, so I'm at home alone.  My husband and I both work from home a lot and as such, he is often working from home the same days that I do.  Therefore, I don't really get much alone time anymore and I'm one of those introvert types that desperately needs alone time.  So, since I did not work yesterday and my husband was at the office, I've now had 2 days at home alone during the day.  Thus I am actually feeling fairly decent and not stressed or feeling like I want to crawl into a hole and hide.

 

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1 minute ago, Beth Macbain said:

My jaw just literally dropped. 

Yup. Mine too. Believe me, it has brought up some interesting internal debates with me. And me with him (yeah, that's not uncomfortable or awkward). I don't want to get into the details and the weeds, but there are things he's said and done that make it ok for me to be around him in a meaningful way. Still not easy. He's handled the uncomfortable discussions with a grace I don't think I could reciprocate.

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4 hours ago, Beth Macbain said:

Is everyone else doing okay?

Strangely, yes!

I finished all my running around in town to prepare for my kids coming for xmas, had to cancel a date with a friend to go out to a beach and sing the Seven Sounds of Love to the sea and the sky (but we'll do it later, and more, through working together), just decided to hide my debit card from myself until January, have a head and heart swimming full of me-stuff, people-stuff, and particular-people-stuff, and I need to do some more house-rearranging including unpacking the rest of my kitchen (I've just been using basic essentials since I moved 4 months ago).

As much as I'd like to spend the evening writing out my thoughts and processing ~ lighting some incense and putting on my favourite radio station while getting stuck into the kitchen is just as worthwhile a self-care move ❤️

Warm hugs to all who need them, for as long as it helps xx

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1 minute ago, LexxiXhan said:

favourite radio station

BBC 6Music - I have no idea what parts of the world it's available in.

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