Nicest way to turn down friendship

[xBaeBeex]

I give compliments to pretty people on the grids .. it does not mean I want to suddendly be your friend. Don't flatter yourself lol.

But I'm curious reading the responces here.. what deems a person to "make the cut" for a friendship these days? SL is supposed to be a way to connect -people- from all over the world.. when did communication towards strangers go out the window? 

[Kathlen Onyx]

Just now, xBaeBeex said:

I give compliments to pretty people on the grids .. it does not mean I want to suddendly be your friend. Don't flatter yourself lol.

But I'm curious reading the responces here.. what deems a person to "make the cut" for a friendship these days? SL is supposed to be a way to connect -people- from all over the world.. when did communication towards strangers go out the window? 

Here I thought this thread was going to be different than all the others on the forum..you know.. nice, but here you come along proving me wrong.  Why in the world would you randomly IM someone just to give them a compliment on their avatar? Honestly, if you don't want to be their friend then why even bother?  What would be the appropriate response? Thank you and then move along?  If you are just a random person why in the world would I care what you think of my avatar?  It would be bothersome to me to get random IM's like that just saying "hey, I like your avatar" 

I won't respond to the last paragraph as it seems to contradict your opinion in the first one.    

[xBaeBeex]

I dont think I said anything that warrened your nasty reply, I'm allowed to ask basic question with curious intentions without your online ego tearing me a new one for no reason. I give people compliments if I like what they have on.. and you know what? I've never once had -anyone- ***** at me for it or act like my compliment doesnt mean sh*t all to them. 

[Kathlen Onyx]

24 minutes ago, xBaeBeex said:

I give compliments to pretty people on the grids .. it does not mean I want to suddendly be your friend. Don't flatter yourself lol.

 

 

9 minutes ago, xBaeBeex said:

I dont think I said anything that warrened your nasty reply, I'm allowed to ask basic question with curious intentions without your online ego tearing me a new one for no reason. I give people compliments if I like what they have on.. and you know what? I've never once had -anyone- ***** at me for it or act like my compliment doesnt mean sh*t all to them. 

Not sure it's my online ego. 

[Orwar]

39 minutes ago, Talligurl said:

Hmmm, I will confess to sending out a notification when i have an exhibition, though I do not have that many of those, not quite sure what  you mean by mass, I have had friends who used to send me multiple TPs a night to the club where they ar DJing. I never send more than one per show, though they are mass in the sense that they go out to virtually everyone. 

   That is pretty much the definition of mass TPing; to open your contact list and starting to churn out TPs to people without giving them a head's up. Whilst SL etiquette isn't always universally agreed upon, it is largely considered impolite to send or request a TP from someone without talking to them first - mass TPing is doing that to several people at once.

21 minutes ago, xBaeBeex said:

But I'm curious reading the responces here.. what deems a person to "make the cut" for a friendship these days? SL is supposed to be a way to connect -people- from all over the world.. when did communication towards strangers go out the window? 

   That depends on who you ask. People all have their own, personal preferences and expectations. Generally speaking, putting some effort into how you present yourself (both in regards to your avatar's appearance and the content of your profile) and how you communicate (SL is arguably all about communication, being a lazy typist makes for a tiring text-based conversationalist) will improve your odds of appealing to (or at least not peeving the hey out of) people you approach. 

 

[LittleMe Jewell]

40 minutes ago, xBaeBeex said:

SL is supposed to be a way to connect -people- from all over the world

While SL might be a way to connect to people from all over the world, that is not SL's only purpose.  Not all of us are here for the social aspect of things.

[Rowan Amore]

32 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

 

Not sure it's my online ego. 

I didn't think what she said was directly personally toward you but in general to people who may think just because she IMs with a compliment there's an ulterior motive.  If I see someone who looks exceptional,  I've often complimented them on their work.  The conversation may move on from there or it may not.  Either is usually fine because I've already read the profile so I have some idea as to how steer it.  

1 hour ago, xBaeBeex said:

But I'm curious reading the responces here.. what deems a person to "make the cut" for a friendship these days? SL is supposed to be a way to connect -people- from all over the world.. when did communication towards strangers go out the window? 

I don't often friend people as I've said. That doesn't mean I'm not meeting and talking to people all the time. In fact, for me, it's the main reason I DO log in.  But, I do tend to hang out at the same places so I run into these people on a regular basis.  No need to add them to a list but that's just how I like it.  One never knows the person's expectations of "friends".  Are they going to get upset if I don't IM when I'm online?  Will I have to toss them off my list because they are one of those people who IM the second I log in?

There are more reasons for me NOT to add than to add.

 

[Jordyn McGregor]

1 hour ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Why in the world would you randomly IM someone just to give them a compliment on their avatar? Honestly, if you don't want to be their friend then why even bother?  What would be the appropriate response? Thank you and then move along?  If you are just a random person why in the world would I care what you think of my avatar?  It would be bothersome to me to get random IM's like that just saying "hey, I like your avatar" 

I admit I have been on both sides of the compliment thing.  When I used to venture out, I often got the "Nice avi" IMs.  I would say thank you and if the conversation moved from that, I would happily continue with it.  Often times it was Nice avi - thank you - your welcome...the end.  I saw no harm in that and it did make me feel like all the lindens I put into myself paid off.  I looked good!

I have also IM'd people out of the blue to compliment them or say "Awesome name!" if I see one that makes me laugh.  

Its sad to see that all the time I would have spent getting up the nerve to IM a stranger would be all for nothing.  Not everyone has an ulterior motive, wants to make a new friend or is wanting to get into your pixel knickers.  Some of us just want to make someone smile and know they are appreciated for making the grid look pretty or the humour of their name. 

[ClariceRose]

Not sure if someone suggested this yet, as I didn't read all the replies but... a really good way to deter someone from wanting to be your friend is to start acting weird. If they send you a friend request, you can say omggg we can explore SL sewer sims together! Or something really weird like that. The person will most likely run LOL.

[ClariceRose]

2 hours ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Here I thought this thread was going to be different than all the others on the forum..you know.. nice, but here you come along proving me wrong.  Why in the world would you randomly IM someone just to give them a compliment on their avatar? Honestly, if you don't want to be their friend then why even bother?  What would be the appropriate response? Thank you and then move along?  If you are just a random person why in the world would I care what you think of my avatar?  It would be bothersome to me to get random IM's like that just saying "hey, I like your avatar" 

I won't respond to the last paragraph as it seems to contradict your opinion in the first one.    

I'd say it is acts of kindness? As long at they are genuine. I often compliment people on things without an ulterior motive. Just being nice.

[Talligurl]

11 hours ago, Orwar said:

churn out TPs to people without giving them a head's up.

Oh, well I never churn out TPs, I do sometimes churn out Notecards with a landmark attached, but I am "please stop bye when you get a chance" not "Come right now"

[Talligurl]

12 hours ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Why in the world would you randomly IM someone just to give them a compliment on their avatar? 

It's a nice thing to do, the world needs more nice people. Why in the world would you discourage that. 

[Zeta Vandyke]

14 hours ago, ClariceRose said:

you can say omggg we can explore SL sewer sims together!

My first SL friend I met while exploring sewers, like 13 years ago

 

The whole compliment thingy, myself I do not mind to receive or give a compliment. It's just that most of the times it comes from a male avie, 10+ years old but also still looking as it did back then with no efford put in their own apearance and empty profile, while lurking at shopping events/stores. In those cases, so far I had a 100% score that the "Hi looking good" went on to an indecent proposal or unsollicited friend request when responded. So those, I ignore now. If the compliment comes from someone with an active profile and invested avie, I respond most of the times. About a 60% score in those case.

[Talligurl]

I once had another woman, out of the blue, thank me for making Second Life a better place by being in it. Still one of the best moments ever in SL.

[Rat Luv]

15 hours ago, ClariceRose said:

I'd say it is acts of kindness? As long at they are genuine. I often compliment people on things without an ulterior motive. Just being nice.

I agree! I've IM'd people and complimented them on their outfits, sims or builds, or asked where they got something - and can't think of one person who was rude or narky back. I once even got given a few free store outfits after doing it.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but can't think of anyone on the friends list who IM'd me to death or suddenly got angry about me not replying fast enough or being busy. 

[Ren Toxx]

On 3/9/2021 at 5:56 AM, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

[...] I feel really bad because [...]

... because, in many cases (and, in some, quite purposely), it is designed to make you feel bad—and so, to avoid it, you will say ’yes’ without wanting, or being yet convinced it’ll result in a good friendship. Fact is, they already got you in their list, and further down the road some form of melodramatic “hey, I thought we were friends” will ensue, as a continuation of the same strategy.

Normally I just let it go over my head and never ‘rubber-stamp’ anything until an actual friendship has grown. But in cases where I feel the other is getting cute with the “you don’t like having friends?” insinuations for it not to be a calculated tactic, I start hitting back by throwing around the word ’honesty’ like there’s no tomorrow: “I want honest friends...”, “Honest people accept others like they are, including their reluctance to call it a friendship before there’s one...”, “Honest people don’t use tactics...”, etc. It often does the trick—almost invariably I never hear from them again, which wasn’t quite the point, but of course it meant they went for others who would fall to social pressuring tactics.

So, rather than wondering how ‘bad’ it makes you look (and therefore feel) by standing your ground when it comes to making friends organically, just ask yourself if you wish to be vulnerable to manipulation. In other words, put things in their right perspective 😉

Edited March 10, 2021 by Ren Toxx

[Madelaine McMasters]

I explain that I haven't got the time to adequately care for the friends I already have.

It's true!

[AutumnSu]

19 hours ago, Jordan Whitt said:

I admit I have been on both sides of the compliment thing.  When I used to venture out, I often got the "Nice avi" IMs.  I would say thank you and if the conversation moved from that, I would happily continue with it.  Often times it was Nice avi - thank you - your welcome...the end.  I saw no harm in that and it did make me feel like all the lindens I put into myself paid off.  I looked good!

I have also IM'd people out of the blue to compliment them or say "Awesome name!" if I see one that makes me laugh.  

Its sad to see that all the time I would have spent getting up the nerve to IM a stranger would be all for nothing.  Not everyone has an ulterior motive, wants to make a new friend or is wanting to get into your pixel knickers.  Some of us just want to make someone smile and know they are appreciated for making the grid look pretty or the humour of their name. 

I love this! I think compliments shouldn't be disregarded or discarded entirely. Kindness can go a long way and really brighten someone's day.  They can be coming from a genuine place as you describe. I've often had my day improved when someone complimented me. I felt similar to how you did. The confidence I had in my avatar was definitely boosted. I think it's also a nice way to connect with other Residents. Of course, there are those instances where people are being creepy or have ill motives, so one can act accordingly. 

[Madelaine McMasters]

22 hours ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Here I thought this thread was going to be different than all the others on the forum..you know.. nice, but here you come along proving me wrong.

I believe you proved yourself wrong.

[Ren Toxx]

On 3/10/2021 at 12:35 AM, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

[...] if you don't want to be their friend then why even bother? What would be the appropriate response? Thank you and then move along?

Yes.

[simplemint]

My strategy is: I'll respond to their messages and make small talk, but I won't push to instigate the conversation any further I'll respond to their messages and make small talk, but I won't push to instigate the conversation any further if I don't feel like we're clicking or I just don't want to continue the conversation any further for whatever reason. Most conversations, I find, fizzle out pretty quickly after that.

Sometimes, I do run into people who are more pushy about wanting to establish a friendship or getting something out of me - maybe an adult favour, some Lindens, a TP request, and the like. Many people in this category will begin the conversation with a compliment and an ulterior motive in mind. In those cases, I'll be more blunt in turning them down. Most people get the hint after that, though some can be a bit nasty about not understanding why I don't cam, voice, accept friend requests from random strangers, or engage in romantic relationships on SL. 

I have met wonderful people through random IMs, but I'll be the first to admit that talking with other people isn't the main reason why I joined SL nor is it the main motivator me to log in.

[Sid Nagy]

For me the friends list is a bit like the one on Facebook a.o.
It means to me that you know each other because you met in the past or because of some business activity and that it might happen again that you want to contact.

To me on a friends list has nothing to do with real friends. Real friends are those with who you hang out, have fun, go shopping, talk gossip,talk serious stuff, explore, hang out on each others parcels.

I always accept friend requests and see what happens.
If it turns out to be nothing worth to bother, I simply remove that person out of my friendships list again, when I'm in my cleanup mode every year or so.

[Crim Mip]

I usually just say "I really prefer to only friend those I interact with regularly. If you become such, I'll send you a friend request."

 

[Mollymews]

On 3/10/2021 at 7:31 AM, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

I've got the friend request issue solved. I like this idea of just not responding

same

the Ignore button in our head is for me the best thing I find

is the same with my phone. I don't feel any compulsion to answer my phone when people I don't know call me. They can leave a message or not as they like

same with IMs in SL. I might or might not answer when I get time to do so

 

i get some funny ones sometimes tho. Like:

them: Hi! you look nice

me:

(3 minutes later)

them: I have blocked you for being a rude, insensitive and inconsiderate person

(3 days later)

me:

 

[Sid Nagy]

Today's development in this part of the forums gave me an idea: Send the other person fishing!!