Special needs user

[Annabell Wandsworth]

Hello

I'm not sure where to go with this. I have been talking to a person who I think is retarded (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to use that word). He is spending a lot of money in sl on land, and giving other people money. 

I don't want to get him booted from sl, but I have no other idea how to protect him. Any advise is appreciated.

[SpiritSparrow Skydancer]

I do not think LL will boot him for spending money. ** BTW I spend way to much money on land and give people money as well...  (well buying things) **

Edited September 10, 2019 by Tarina Sewell

[Annabell Wandsworth]

But he is mentally deficient in some way. He pretty much told me so, and I have our conversation.

I'm worried about him.

[Kyrah Abattoir]

22 minutes ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

Hello

I'm not sure where to go with this. I have been talking to a person who I think is retarded (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to use that word). He is spending a lot of money in sl on land, and giving other people money. 

I don't want to get him booted from sl, but I have no other idea how to protect him. Any advise is appreciated.

What makes you think this is limited to their SecondLife?

[Annabell Wandsworth]

2 minutes ago, Kyrah Abattoir said:

What makes you think this is limited to their SecondLife?

I have no idea why you thought that was in any way helpful.

I'm just trying to stop the sl money bleeding.

[Kyrah Abattoir]

8 minutes ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

I have no idea why you thought that was in any way helpful.

I'm just trying to stop the sl money bleeding.

I understand your concerns, but if they are a legal adult and considered lucid under the law, there isn't much you can do. It's also difficult to make a judgement with only one side of the story.

As for my original message, my assumption is that if this is a general trait of them which extends to their real life in general, stopping them in SL will only serve to annoy them and not actually change anything.

You can always try to reason with them, or with someone they might listen to, but it's their life.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Kyrah Abattoir

[Annabell Wandsworth]

I welcome thoughtful, reasoned responses, that actually address my question.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Annabell Wandsworth

[Stephanie Misfit]

IF he has a legal guardian and lets you know who his guardian is (it could be a parent or other person given legal responsibility through the courts), then you may be able to do something by contacting them. If he is an adult without a guardian there appears to be nothing in the TOS to stop him doing this, and nothing you can do without breaching his privacy. If people are breaching the TOS in their exploitation of him you could of course encourage him to report that, but from what you say he is doing this willingly. There are lots of people in his situation unfortunately.

[Rob Huntsman]

Sounds like most men on SL that have money, buying alot of garbage. Or giving it to some gold digger.

[Annabell Wandsworth]

9 minutes ago, Stephanie Misfit said:

IF he has a legal guardian and lets you know who his guardian is (it could be a parent or other person given legal responsibility through the courts), then you may be able to do something by contacting them. If he is an adult without a guardian there appears to be nothing in the TOS to stop him doing this, and nothing you can do without breaching his privacy. If people are breaching the TOS in their exploitation of him you could of course encourage him to report that, but from what you say he is doing this willingly. There are lots of people in his situation unfortunately.

I tried to ask him about the guardian issue, and he didn't want to talk about it.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I just feel bad for the guy. He's going to spend whatever money he has in sl and maybe lose his rl home, which he said he inherited from his parents.

 

[Amina Sopwith]

I think all you can do is report your concerns to LL.

[Drake1 Nightfire]

3 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

Hello

I'm not sure where to go with this. I have been talking to a person who I think is retarded (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to use that word). He is spending a lot of money in sl on land, and giving other people money. 

I don't want to get him booted from sl, but I have no other idea how to protect him. Any advice is appreciated.

Its his money...

3 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

But he is mentally deficient in some way. He pretty much told me so, and I have our conversation.

I'm worried about him.

I'm 6'3" 236 lbs. Prove me wrong.  He might be mentally challenged, he might be stringing you along.. There are some weird people out there. 

2 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

I tried to ask him about the guardian issue, and he didn't want to talk about it.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I just feel bad for the guy. He's going to spend whatever money he has in sl and maybe lose his rl home, which he said he inherited from his parents.

 

Really not your place. 

If he really is challenged, he has a legal guardian who watches over their spending. The main thing they do is make sure the bills are paid and food is bought. They then usually set a spending cap on their charge. One of the kids i went to school with was challenged and his parents paid someone to take care of money for them as an adult. The parents were loaded, lived in a huge house, had a pool, all sorts of flush things. When they passed away recently he inherited it all, still had a handler though, part of the will. 

Bottom line, legally LL cant do anything. If you report him and he finds out, you will just piss him off. 

[Bree Giffen]

I think you can only speak with this person and make them aware that their spending habits are excessive when compared to other residents and to ask if they can set limits for how much they spend. I doubt LL has the ability to make decisions on the mental health of the residents and control their spending. 

[Mollymews]

am not sure there is anything else you can do than what you have already. I do have some thoughts tho

that the person may be mentally-challenged is not what is wrong with them. What is wrong is their self-destructive behaviour

if a person says things like: "If I continue my behaviour then I am going to lose my house". And they don't act to stop themselves for themselves then no matter what you say, it will happen, they will lose their house

in these online situations where we are dealing with incomplete information (which is the case, as the person has not been totally forthcoming about their RL circumstances) then the best we can do is to just be there for them

be there for them in a way which will make them actually think about what they are doing

what we should not do is chat engage them about their behaviour, as when we do we can become part of their descent to the bottom. Descent, as the person often gets a gratification reward from us mothering them about what they just did, another latest bout of self-destructive behaviour

when next this person IMs you then refuse to continue telling them what you have already. The person is not listening.  To have a person listen then it requires an action on your part. The action being to respond neutrally to their latest pity story. Neutral meaning no commiseration

often when we do this then we are treating them as we would any ordinary regular person, and not a special case requiring mothering, gratification and/or solace

 

Edited September 10, 2019 by Mollymews
some thoughts

[Love Zhaoying]

5 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

I welcome thoughtful, reasoned responses, that actually address my question.

When their credit card is maxed out, or bank account is empty, they won’t be able to spend any more. It’s good that you are concerned, but you really can’t do anything  except suggest they get counseling for SL addiction.

[Resi Pfeffer]

6 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

He is spending a lot of money in sl on land, and giving other people money. 

You didnt tell us how much money he spends, nor do we know anything about his financial situation.
While a friend of mine already complains about a Anna Erotica Building costs 100-200 LDs, im paying slightly more to rent a junk of a homestead, and others just get a full private region for around 250 USD a month.
People are different, and so are their wallets.

[ItHadToComeToThis]

8 hours ago, Annabell Wandsworth said:

retarded (yes, I know, I'm not supposed to use that word)

Mentally handicapped is a good alternative 😅. 

[Amina Sopwith]

I think "with a learning disability/disabilities" is respectful, inclusive and accurate. 

Words do matter, as we all know when we get a label we don't like.

[Love Zhaoying]

7 minutes ago, Amina Sopwith said:

I think "with a learning disability/disabilities" is respectful, inclusive and accurate. 

Words do matter, as we all know when we get a label we don't like.

I agree. While many in SL and the Forums are apparently “R-word”, one shouldn’t call them that. In RL, I’ve dated 1-2 intellectually different people and respected them a lot.

[Prokofy Neva]

2 hours ago, Mollymews said:

am not sure there is anything else you can do than what you have already. I do have some thoughts tho

that the person may be mentally-challenged is not what is wrong with them. What is wrong is their self-destructive behaviour

if a person says things like: "If I continue my behaviour then I am going to lose my house". And they don't act to stop themselves for themselves then no matter what you say, it will happen, they will lose their house

in these online situations where we are dealing with incomplete information (which is the case, as the person has not been totally forthcoming about their RL circumstances) then the best we can do is to just be there for them

be there for them in a way which will make them actually think about what they are doing

what we should not do is chat engage them about their behaviour, as when we do we can become part of their descent to the bottom. Descent, as the person often gets a gratification reward from us mothering them about what they just did, another latest bout of self-destructive behaviour

when next this person IMs you then refuse to continue telling them what you have already. The person is not listening.  To have a person listen then it requires an action on your part. The action being to respond neutrally to their latest pity story. Neutral meaning no commiseration

often when we do this then we are treating them as we would any ordinary regular person, and not a special case requiring mothering, gratification and/or solace

 

People often drink to excess and take drugs while doing SL. This gives them the illusion they aren't drinking or getting high alone. And that may be why this guy is sounding stupid and engaging in reckless behaviour.

It doesn't sound like you can do anything about this, and LL will not do anything unless he is violating their TOS or they have reason to think he is breaking RL law.

Sometimes people in SL have had success in getting RL police to do wellness checks on SL residents but for that, they need to know their real address and have a real emergency.

Someone spending their inheritance isn't that, unless you can show that someone has deceived him somewhere and maybe you can AR that person.

[Mollymews]

1 minute ago, Prokofy Neva said:

Sometimes people in SL have had success in getting RL police to do wellness checks on SL residents but for that, they need to know their real address and have a real emergency.

agree, if we can then we help as best we can. There is incomplete RL information in the OP and without this kind of information then is not a lot else that can be done

I don't mean to seem unsympathetic to the person mentioned but I have been down this road before with people on SL who have had addiction issues and my advice to them pretty much always ended up as: Log off and don't log back in again until you get well in RL.  And when they don't do this then I refuse to engage with them on their terms

when we don't then we can end up in some really absurd situations.  One guy who had addictive issues wanted to give me his full region tier money on his monthly payday, so I would hold it for him for 17 days when his tier was due. So that he wouldn't waste the money away beforehand which he was doing. And I was No! Not ever. Never. Get some help RL please. I am not the answer to your problem

[Kyrah Abattoir]

I didn't mean to sound rude earlier, but the way I'm seeing it is that if you somehow manage to "bar" them from overspending in SL, it's just like considering that when the symptom disappears, the illness is cured. They might just get mad at you in the end and find another outlet to overspend.

Again, it's hard to judge with only one side of the story, for us here, but even for you.

[Sylvia Tamalyn]

Honestly, from what little we've been given here, I'd say the best thing to do is MYOB.

There's nothing in what we've been given here that indicates that the guy is in any sort of financial bind, or that he needs or has requested help. It's a lot of assuming about what might happen without enough information (for instance, the lack of info about whether the person has a guardian). Without having a lot more information about his mental abilities, his financial situation, whether someone is already looking out for him, whether he even NEEDS to be looked after.... well, this just seems presumptuous to me and I have to wonder how HE would feel about it. 

[Kia Kiyori]

Look, I'm going to put an alternative, unpopular and brutally harsh spin on this because for goodness sakes, somebody has to; if I was Big Spender, I'd be infuriated by - and highly suspicious of - this dire need to meddle in my affairs by trying to put a 'retarded' label on it - as if that somehow makes it all ok.

It's not ok. Where does this insidious mentality come from that says as long as you label someone 'mentally deficient', you have the right to meddle in their affairs?

While that maneuver could be seen as 'caring' by some, it could also be viewed as a manipulative move to 'control' whilst posing as a 'caring friend' in hopes of ....*fill in ultimately desired goal here*

Truth is, I've witnessed that exact scenario more than once. By now, I can see it forming like a twister long before anyone else does. 

And have you considered that he might just be so good at rp that he's having a blast stringing you along? Pixel people are strange little vegemites, after all.

[Lindal Kidd]

Both Anya and Drake have raised a very real possibility...that Big Spender is just messing with your head.  There are plenty of twisted people in SL who really get off on this.

Your concern is laudable, but there's just no way to know, in our anonymous world, what someone else's Real Life situation really is.

Take people as they appear...but keep a bit of cynicism too.  The only thing you have control over is YOU...so if someone is upsetting you, maybe you want to step away from that person.