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I'm back home, did you miss me? It's ok, I didn't either.

Anyhoo, back to stupid puns, jokes and bad memes.... (oh and if these are already in this thread....umm..I claim ignorance...and yes I totally stole all these memes...lock me up sheriff) I'm gonna need to separate these into different posts lmao...

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And now for some textual humor...

Why is naked pronounced naked but baked is pronounced baked instead of baked...

 

If WATERMELON exists why doesn't EARTHMELON, FIREMELON and AIRMELON??

The ELEMELONS

 

How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water.
If it sinks: Girl Ant
If it floats....

 

An anteater walks into a bar and says he'd like a drink.
“Okay”, says the bartender, “How about a beer?”
The anteater says, “Nooooooooo!”
“Then how about a gin and tonic?”
“Nooooooooo!”
"A martini?”
“Nooooooooo!”
Finally the bartender gets fed-up and says, "Hey buddy, if you don't mind me asking, why the long no's??”

 

Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?

 

Did you all hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was amazing!

 

Before I tell anymore... I want to say a few small words to the people who have liked my jokes.

In
On
An
It
No
To

 

I'm moving all my wall mounted storage to a shed at the far end of my yard. 
It's shelf isolating

 

I came home drunk last night and didn't want to wake anyone up, so I strapped pancakes to my feet and crêped upstairs. 

 

I've been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tuperware theme.
I can hardly contain myself.

 

Just paid for my friend's rhinoplasty operation..
Well, it's no skin off my nose. 

 

Me-Hey, look in the water, there's a bloodstained oar
Gary- That's foreboding
Me-Damnit Gary, I know what they're for, stop patronizing me.

 

Hubby- *reading the menu* Anything pop out at you?
Me- Babe, I don't think it's that kind of book

 

A local TV weatherman is reacting angrily after being fired for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts lately...
No more mist and ice guy

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1 hour ago, Lindal Kidd said:

OK, Tari.  But please limit it to ONE, count them, 1 bad joke per post.  Here's mine.

No can do neighborinoo

On with the shoo....

I'll start with textual this time

...clears my throat...

What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? 
Attire

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. 
Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. 
It was such a nice jester!

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. 
It doesn't make any cents!

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? 
It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? 
A Maybe

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple

Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is

I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y

Want to hear something terrible? 
Paper
See? 
I told you it was tear-able.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. 
But it was just a Fanta sea.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… 
It was tense.

An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? 
It ended in a tie!

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

 

 

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I have decided this is the most fascinating, interesting and important thread on the entire forums...forever and ever more...

Y'all are stuck with me....I'm not sorry, and hubby thanks you xD

If you don't hate me now...you will by the time I'm finished :P

 

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Oh god, you sprained my sense of humor.  Ow, ow, ow, ow!  But before I stagger away from this thread, I just wanted to say...

14 minutes ago, Tari Landar said:

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… 
It was tense.

...I have this on a sweatshirt.

 

 

 

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You didn't think I was finished, did you? I'm chock full of bad dad jokes.

Except I'm not a dad

Or bad.....Well, maybe a little bad

But definitely not a dad

Enjoy 😄

(seriously, I'm just pasting from my bad joke file...you have no idea how big this thing is, I could continue this thread for hundreds of pages all by myself and not run out of bad jokes)

 

How do you make a pirate furious? 
Take away the p.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? 
He was given two consecutive sentences.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
I don’t know and I don’t care.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. 
The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. 
They could call it On Anon Anon

Fifth Third Bank? 
I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? 
A pouch potato

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

How does the solar system organize a party?
They planet!

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? 
He was just going through a stage.

What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? 
It's rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!

I used to work for an origami company until it folded

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
Remains to be seen.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. 
I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.

What is the musical part of a snake? 
The scales.

What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park? 
“Bach it up.”

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. 
We’re a cover band.
 

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