I take out my anger on the wrong people. (BlogLife)

[Gopi Passiflora]

You may be aware of my anger problems that I display from time to time. I just wanted to write about the way I cope with my anger (and my guilt and regret for doing so.)

When I was walking through my university's campus more than a decade ago, I was approached by two teenage boys who hit me unprovoked. I was taken aback by their aggression as they shouted and taunted me. As they walked away, I ran after them. They started to run too so I couldn't catch them. Because they went into the train station I couldn't get them anymore, so I gave up. Going back the way I came I encountered a teenage boy and girl, who I think were walking with the boys who hit me. I called the girl names and cussed at her, even though she assured me that she would stop the boys from attacking people again.

A few years later, I worked at the post office's mail processing plant. I was helping load mail onto a truck for the driver. I was pretty slow at doing the job, so apparently I made the driver frustrated. He helped me out, but begrudgingly. After we were done loading the truck, he complained to my supervisor in front of me and started to shout at us. He even slammed the door of his truck. Again I was taken aback and I froze as he got angry. As soon as he was gone, I shouted at one of the women who helped defend me against the driver. (I later apologized to her and regret shouting at her to this day.)

These are just a few examples of how I take out my anger at the wrong people. I feel really bad for taking it out on those people, and now I deeply feel guilty and regret it.

But I realized that the reasons why I do it is because:

1. I was too weak and cowardly to take it out on the people who did deserve my anger. The people I focused my anger at were..."easier" targets.

2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.

In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.

[Akane Nacht]

25 minutes ago, Gopi Passiflora said:

But I realized that the reasons why I do it is because:

1. I was too weak and cowardly to take it out on the people who did deserve my anger. The people I focused my anger at were..."easier" targets.

2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.

1. It's not weakness or cowardliness, its probably shock. You may also freeze when under threat (fight, flight or freeze). The delayed effect just hits whoever is nearby, unfortunately.

2. Anger management takes some practicing. If you've ever watched the kids show, Mr Rogers, he has a skit where he describes how he deals with anger, I think its called "the mad that you feel" (if you google can probably find somewhere). It's seriously good advice, for any age. In a nutshell, he says to redirect the anger to something harmless and positive, and doing that will calm you down. 

that's my 2 cents, enjoy

[Pixie Kobichenko]

39 minutes ago, Gopi Passiflora said:

You may be aware of my anger problems that I display from time to time. I just wanted to write about the way I cope with my anger (and my guilt and regret for doing so.)

When I was walking through my university's campus more than a decade ago, I was approached by two teenage boys who hit me unprovoked. I was taken aback by their aggression as they shouted and taunted me. As they walked away, I ran after them. They started to run too so I couldn't catch them. Because they went into the train station I couldn't get them anymore, so I gave up. Going back the way I came I encountered a teenage boy and girl, who I think were walking with the boys who hit me. I called the girl names and cussed at her, even though she assured me that she would stop the boys from attacking people again.

A few years later, I worked at the post office's mail processing plant. I was helping load mail onto a truck for the driver. I was pretty slow at doing the job, so apparently I made the driver frustrated. He helped me out, but begrudgingly. After we were done loading the truck, he complained to my supervisor in front of me and started to shout at us. He even slammed the door of his truck. Again I was taken aback and I froze as he got angry. As soon as he was gone, I shouted at one of the women who helped defend me against the driver. (I later apologized to her and regret shouting at her to this day.)

These are just a few examples of how I take out my anger at the wrong people. I feel really bad for taking it out on those people, and now I deeply feel guilty and regret it.

But I realized that the reasons why I do it is because:

1. I was too weak and cowardly to take it out on the people who did deserve my anger. The people I focused my anger at were..."easier" targets.

2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.

In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.

You are human Gopi.

All any of us can do is be aware of our actions & reactions & strive to do better tomorrow, & that doesn’t always happen.  But it’s okay.  Cause we’re all imperfect.

🤗 

[Ceka Cianci]

Gopi, you should try listening to some Allen Watts and see if it relaxes you..

I used to be such an angry person, always looking back on things and getting mad all over again with some things or looking back in history and getting mad..

A lot of things we look back on and get made about are a lot of times are because so much has been put in our minds of how we should have done something or reacted in such a way or not made this mistake or that mistake..

The only reason you even refer to yourself as a coward is because  someone or many someones put in you mind what a coward is..

Imagine why the word ever even came around and break that down..what is the motivation for that word..

I've known men that will fight someone even for the slightest thing because they are in fear of being seen as that word..I mean even is someone is telling them they don't have to..

Do me a favor and just relax and listen to this guy for a minute and see if it relaxes you..

I listen to these all the time and they really do help me as well as give me a lot useful advice and understanding..I could get so angry at times that it just was eating me alive..

over time, I've become to where I can calm myself and be so relaxed, because I'm more in control rather than the ones that got into my head over time..

 

 

[FairreLilette]

3 hours ago, Gopi Passiflora said:

2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.

In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.

Because the anger is something you want to release as you wrote above, Gopi...then the 'want to' is your answer and I think a therapist is the best direction to go because it's a process and you can learn some skills from someone who is trained.    I've heard of things like punching a pillow or writing it out in a journal but maybe making a call to a professional is the best way to go because they know a lot of techniques.  Meanwhile, breathing I've heard can help calm you down a bit as can counting to 50 or so.  

[Arielle Popstar]

4 hours ago, Gopi Passiflora said:

In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.

Been there, done that. There was a time when my own unresolved angers, grudges and hostilities came to a head and because I dealt with mine through the application of lots of alcohol and drugs, finally dragged myself to a 12 step program to deal with that. It was there I learned that my particular addictions were just symptoms of my negative emotions and dysfunctions. With the help and support of the groups I attended, I worked through the 12 step process and freed myself from years of negativity very quickly. I still maintain by continuing to go to those sort of groups because they can creep back in if I'm not careful and I find being with others on the same path, helps me to be honest with myself. 

Hope you find the path that works for you and take heart that you have at least taken the first couple steps in acknowledging a problem and looking for a solution.

[Garnet Psaltery]

If it's any help, I can't remember reading anything you wrote that was angry.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Garnet Psaltery
Full stop to comma.

[Gopi Passiflora]

I just wanted to say thank you all for the kind words and advice. I really appreciate it and can't thank you all enough!

I do have a therapist, but I guess I should see him more often and actually talk about this stuff.

I watched the video you posted, Ceka, and it made sense and offered good advice. Thank you for posting it!

I guess I really was in shock during those encounters with hostile people, so I froze and had a delayed response.

I'm also glad I didn't come across as too angry in the forum.

I guess I should acknowledge I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I should also be glad that I acknowledge my problems, too.

 

 

[Maitimo]

It's natural to get angry when faced with frustrating or threatening situations. Its a fight or flight reaction; some people get scared and they freeze or withdraw. Others, like you (and me) perceive situations like this as a challenge to be defeated. But fighting with people, however stupid they are, tends to lead to bigger trouble, so we try to avoid it, but the mind still needs an outlet and that's why we get angry and yell at someone, or break things. I once slammed a solid wooden door so hard it fell off its hinges. 

Many years ago, I learned a trick; to turn the "fight" reaction around and re-direct that energy. I'd separate myself from the person or situation that was angering me, and go for a run. It would often be a fast run, brutal and exhausting, but it was the physical exertion and the rhythm that helped. By the time I came back I'd be too tired to argue or break anything, and I'd have had time to think about the best way to deal with the situation that angered me.

Now I'm older, I rarely get that angry, which is a good thing because my knees don't like it any more when I run. But when it happens, I still try to separate myself from the situation and do something physical instead, and it still helps.

This might not work for everyone, it might not work for you, but I hope you find your own little "trick" that works for you. Good luck!

[Drakonadrgora Darkfold]

It happens, even I let myself get out of control at times and take it out on others. Its part of being human. We all have emotions and even though they are mostly under our control sometimes some things trigger bad memories and we lose that control for short periods of time. Nothing to feel bad about. Just explain why it happened and most will understand. Those who refuse to understand or accept your apology dont really matter. At the end of the day feeling guilty or full or remorse or regret for getting angry at the wrong person does you no help. You have to learn to forgive yourself first before you can learn to forgive others for what they did that made you angry.

There is a lot of free information on anger management on the web, some of it might be helpful, some of it wont. You have to just try and figure out which works for you.

[Laurel Aurelia]

Apologies for the wall of text!

Everyone is offering really great advice. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and clinical depression for most of my life, I've definitely had to find ways to deal with anger in the short term and long term. Short term being when you are in you are in the moment and faced with a person or situation that causes distress, and the long term being how one chooses to think about what happened after the initial incident has occurred. Therapy work is great for the latter, you can unpack what happened and hopefully find a way to process it. The short term is a lot harder. I agree with Matt that if possible find a way to extract yourself, do that. But sometimes you can't, and that is the hardest of all. Stay present, focus on your breathing, and try not to immediately personalize.

It's important to build a tool box for yourself of things that help you when you are not feeling angry. Whether in a phone or notebook you keep handy, write each one down and refer to it in times of crisis. Things on my list:

1. Journaling/writing. I call this getting the poison out. Sometimes I just need to type or write out exactly what is on my mind with all the venom. Be brutally honest with yourself if you can.  However, this not meant to be seen by anyone other than you and maybe your therapist. It will help you organize your thoughts and take you out of the heat of the moment. At some later point when things aren't so intense, perhaps it can offer you some insight as to the real underlying issue.

2. Like Matt, physical exercise is godsend for my mental health. I like to trail run, but walking in nature is great too. Try anything you like that allows you to be present in the moment with yourself.

3. Making sure to take care of my needs. Am I getting enough sleep, water, good food? These have huge impacts on how I feel and in turn how I deal with the world around me. Other things like making sure that my personal spaces are clean and organized are huge for me personally to ward off agitation. Cleaning in general is a bit like meditating for me.

4. Talk with a friend and/or therapist. I've been blessed to have several people in my life that are willing to actively listen to me, but care enough to stop me  and point out wrong thinking and  detrimental behavior on my part. Sometimes it sucks to hear the truth, but knowing these people got my back and are  only looking out for what is best for me has helped me greatly with curtailing anger.

5. Some inspirational quotes.  Sometimes I just need a pithy quote from a book , song, poem, or whatever to center me. Here is one on anger I randomly searched up.  "Being angry is like holding a piece of burning coal in your hand and hoping the other person feels pain." - Wendy Merron. Your mileage may vary on this one, but it works for me!

I think its wonderful that you opened up this way Gopi. It takes a great sense of character to take ownership of your issues, and honestly the admission of this is often the hardest part. I wish you good luck in learning to deal with these emotions in a healthy way.

 

 

[Madelaine McMasters]

When I'm angry, I go out in the woods and swear at the wildlife. The realization that they don't give a damn puts things in perspective.

 

[Drakonadrgora Darkfold]

1 hour ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

When I'm angry, I go out in the woods and swear at the wildlife. The realization that they don't give a damn puts things in perspective.

 

I wanted to double react to that. I wanted to laugh because of how cute it was and yet be able to heart it too, because of how true it is.

we need double reactions to posts...

[Maryanne Solo]

I have a tiny circle of very old trusted friends and I strictly limit my social activities because... well... you know.
I even chose my profession/s with a view to strictly limited exposure to the public & business associates because.... well...yeah.
I can make RL friends easily but... why? I have enough already. 
Rage is out there and it's coming for you. *points finger.

Music or Art Gopi.
Be it observing/listening or hands on manual/digital production.
A pair of studio quality headphones and a flying we will go. 

[Lindal Kidd]

I take out my loans with the wrong people.

And you think YOU have problems!

[Maitimo]

8 hours ago, Lindal Kidd said:

I take out my loans with the wrong people.

And you think YOU have problems!

I want to make you an offer you can't refuse... or you'll be swimming with de fishies. 

[Jumpman Lane]

On 7/15/2020 at 9:26 PM, Gopi Passiflora said:

You may be aware of my anger problems that I display from time to time. I just wanted to write about the way I cope with my anger (and my guilt and regret for doing so.)

When I was walking through my university's campus more than a decade ago, I was approached by two teenage boys who hit me unprovoked. I was taken aback by their aggression as they shouted and taunted me. As they walked away, I ran after them. They started to run too so I couldn't catch them. Because they went into the train station I couldn't get them anymore, so I gave up. Going back the way I came I encountered a teenage boy and girl, who I think were walking with the boys who hit me. I called the girl names and cussed at her, even though she assured me that she would stop the boys from attacking people again.

A few years later, I worked at the post office's mail processing plant. I was helping load mail onto a truck for the driver. I was pretty slow at doing the job, so apparently I made the driver frustrated. He helped me out, but begrudgingly. After we were done loading the truck, he complained to my supervisor in front of me and started to shout at us. He even slammed the door of his truck. Again I was taken aback and I froze as he got angry. As soon as he was gone, I shouted at one of the women who helped defend me against the driver. (I later apologized to her and regret shouting at her to this day.)

These are just a few examples of how I take out my anger at the wrong people. I feel really bad for taking it out on those people, and now I deeply feel guilty and regret it.

But I realized that the reasons why I do it is because:

1. I was too weak and cowardly to take it out on the people who did deserve my anger. The people I focused my anger at were..."easier" targets.

2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.

In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.

Hahahahahahaha! I'm not gonna say nothing! I'm trying to be good! Hahahahahahahahah lol.

[Jumpman Lane]

When I get mad, I start digging ditches! I drop fools in holes! I don't care HOW long it takes!

Hehehehehehe

Square biness!