You may be aware of my anger problems that I display from time to time. I just wanted to write about the way I cope with my anger (and my guilt and regret for doing so.)
When I was walking through my university's campus more than a decade ago, I was approached by two teenage boys who hit me unprovoked. I was taken aback by their aggression as they shouted and taunted me. As they walked away, I ran after them. They started to run too so I couldn't catch them. Because they went into the train station I couldn't get them anymore, so I gave up. Going back the way I came I encountered a teenage boy and girl, who I think were walking with the boys who hit me. I called the girl names and cussed at her, even though she assured me that she would stop the boys from attacking people again.
A few years later, I worked at the post office's mail processing plant. I was helping load mail onto a truck for the driver. I was pretty slow at doing the job, so apparently I made the driver frustrated. He helped me out, but begrudgingly. After we were done loading the truck, he complained to my supervisor in front of me and started to shout at us. He even slammed the door of his truck. Again I was taken aback and I froze as he got angry. As soon as he was gone, I shouted at one of the women who helped defend me against the driver. (I later apologized to her and regret shouting at her to this day.)
These are just a few examples of how I take out my anger at the wrong people. I feel really bad for taking it out on those people, and now I deeply feel guilty and regret it.
But I realized that the reasons why I do it is because:
1. I was too weak and cowardly to take it out on the people who did deserve my anger. The people I focused my anger at were..."easier" targets.
2. Overall, I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me. I know I should "forgive and forget", but it's hard for me to forget perceived wrongs done against me. I've accrued a lot of anger over the years, and I want to release it.
In summary, I guess I just wanted to share my experiences of anger with you. Again, I feel guilty and remorse for doing what I've done the past 10 or so years, but I wish I had a better way to release my anger.