On why people ignore random IMs

[Aiyumei]

9 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

He's a little . . . sloppy. Like an SL male who hasn't taken a lot of care over his looks.

Kinda like a guy who just got into mesh but still not quite sure what he's suppose to do. 

[Rowan Amore]

On 1/14/2022 at 1:19 AM, Kalegthepsionicist said:

Hi , hello, where you come from = straight forward

 

compliment your ava, or cloth its drama, since people can inspect your ava without need tobask you

 

imo

Your straight forward approach is the one I'd ignore.   It's sort of irrelevant and my time zone is in my profile which is all I'd give out anyway if asked WHERE I was from by someone I do not know.  

Compliments on my avatar are fine but I actually prefer someone comment on something they've read in my profile, which is usually the way I've been approached.  It's there for a reason.  If it weren't, we wouldn't have them.  Not sure why complimenting an avatars looks or what they are wearing would create drama.  "Your look today is awesome.  Well done!" or something along those lines.   "Damn, bby.  You look so hot today" not so much.  It's HOW you say it that can make a difference as to whether you get a response and the type of response you get.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Rowan Amore

[Ayashe Ninetails]

I don't ignore random IMs. I genuinely enjoy speaking with new people when I'm out and about. The question, however, is not how likely one would be to receive a response from me, but what type of response they're going to get.

Whether an IM receives my usual bubbly personality in reply vs. snark you into the sun depends entirely on what's sent.

Low-effort IMs (the "hi"s that trail off into nothingness) will make me eyeroll a bit, but I'd still be up for a friendly chat.

 

On 1/14/2022 at 2:03 AM, Kalegthepsionicist said:

bwcause you are not important 😁 to them. I f you aee well known Dj or sugardaddy, every girls will respon you

*gigglesnort* Nah. I've known quite a few DJs and they were fairly chill, but that sugar daddy thing is insufferable. IMs from them aren't even fun to snark on anymore. And if you're a DJ and are not talking my ear off about turntables, controllers, and mixers, then shame on you. 😉

At heart, though, I'm a gamer geek. Want a guaranteed bubbly response that turns into an hour long convo? Show me your sizzling hot... Steam collection.

 

[Silent Mistwalker]

2 minutes ago, Rowan Amore said:

Your straight forward approach is the one I'd ignore.   It's sort of irrelevant and my time zone is in my profile which is all I'd give out anyway if asked WHERE I was from by someone I do not know.  

Compliments on my avatar are fine but I actually prefer someone comment on something they've read in my profile, which is usually the way I've been approached.  It's there for a reason.  If it weren't, we would have them.  Not sure why complimenting an avatars looks or what they are wearing would create drama.  "Your look today is awesome.  Well done!" or something along those lines.   "Damn, bby.  You look so hot today" not so much.  It's HOW you say it that can make a difference as to whether you get a response and the type of response you get.

You look good! ✔️

You look good enough to eat! ❌

[Scylla Rhiadra]

11 minutes ago, LilNosferatu said:

Don't blame the alpha chads for stealing all the women and say that's why they don't talk to you.

Yeah, this.

There's no such thing as a "Chad," because every woman is attracted by unique qualities in a man (or woman, or NB person, etc.).

Soooo tired of the assumption that men have a "right" to women, and that women are to blame if they don't oblige.

Yes, it's not "all men," or even most. But I hear this kind of thing often enough, even from those who aren't technically Incels, that there is clearly a larger cultural problem here.

[Scylla Rhiadra]

7 minutes ago, Rowan Amore said:

Not sure why complimenting an avatars looks or what they are wearing would create drama.  "Your look today is awesome.  Well done!" or something along those lines.   "Damn, bby.  You look so hot today" not so much.  It's HOW you say it that can make a difference as to whether you get a response and the type of response you get.

This.

Key differences:

"Your look is awesome. Well done!" -- Centered on the woman, and acknowledging her good taste, etc. There's no suggestion that this is about him rather than her.

"Damn bby. You look so hot today" -- Centered on the man's sexual desires, and implies that the woman's looks are all about attracting him.

[Cinnamon Mistwood]

I hadn't thought of an incel pattern, but now that it has been pointed out, I agree that's what it looks like.  

Women only like men because of their money or fame.

Women can only be used to gain social standing and credibility. 

If women don't like me it is someone else's fault.

Women don't like me because they are all selfish gold diggers.

I still hope @Kalegthepsionicistwill take me up on my offer to hangout sometime.

[Maitimo]

Add another one here who's not into sugar daddies, because the implication is that the gifts are never actual gifts, they're payment-in-advance for certain services that I have no intention of providing. Also they tend towards being at the dominant end of the spectrum and there's no way in hell that you'd ever find me at the other end.

There are some DJs, (one of them male) that I count among my best friends but they're not my friends because they're DJs, and I certainly would not chase someone for just that reason.

The bottom line is this - if you get ignored/rejected once, (amidst a whole string of successes), then it's an issue with them. If you get ignored/rejected regularly, it's an issue with you.

 

[Arielle Popstar]

Thinks too much of this:

On why people ignore random IMs

Is why people wind up here:

I don't have a lot of real friends, but I do have a lot of imaginary ones.

😏

[Maitimo]

9 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Thinks too much of this:

On why people ignore random IMs

Is why people wind up here:

I don't have a lot of real friends, but I do have a lot of imaginary ones.

😏

There would be far less ignoring going on if there was less of the "hi how r u" and the "a/s/l", and fewer men with the attitude that they are entitled to attention from women.

[Silent Mistwalker]

1 hour ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

This.

Key differences:

"Your look is awesome. Well done!" -- Centered on the woman, and acknowledging her good taste, etc. There's no suggestion that this is about him rather than her.

"Damn bby. You look so hot today" -- Centered on the man's sexual desires, and implies that the woman's looks are all about attracting him.

Geez Scylla, they're never gonna catch on if we keep doing their thinking for them and spelling it all out. 🤫🤭

[Arielle Popstar]

14 minutes ago, Maitimo said:

There would be far less ignoring going on if there was less of the "hi how r u" and the "a/s/l", and fewer men with the attitude that they are entitled to attention from women.

If I IM'ed someone and they ignored me, then in spite of how that avi looked, I wouldn't consider that person a good catch and if I so judge them that way then how am I such a good catch if I ignored their IM? 

There is also the 90/10 rule in dating which says 90%  are  competing for the top 10% of their preferred gender which means that a great many are going to fail to attract what they would like. And even if they were successful, the chances are good that the suave candidate with the perfect approach could well be a player because they have had the practice.

Sometimes one ought to consider working with that seemingly imperfect one to at least check if it is a diamond in the rough.

[Ren Toxx]

1 hour ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

You look good! ✔️

You look good enough to eat! ❌

[Silent Mistwalker]

44 minutes ago, Ren Toxx said:

[Maitimo]

57 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

If I IM'ed someone and they ignored me, then in spite of how that avi looked, I wouldn't consider that person a good catch and if I so judge them that way then how am I such a good catch if I ignored their IM? 

There is also the 90/10 rule in dating which says 90%  are  competing for the top 10% of their preferred gender which means that a great many are going to fail to attract what they would like. And even if they were successful, the chances are good that the suave candidate with the perfect approach could well be a player because they have had the practice.

Sometimes one ought to consider working with that seemingly imperfect one to at least check if it is a diamond in the rough.

That's not what I'm referring to at all.

I mean that the behaviour of a significant proportion of men in SL has caused a significant proportion of women to become cautious about accepting IMs from strangers because they know that the IM is going to lead somewhere they don't want to go. As long as that group of entitled men keeps growing, the group of cautious women will also continue to grow. This is why the level of acceptance of IMs is dropping.

I think a solution to the problem, which could be implemented by Linden Lab, would be some kind of "acceptance system". If you think of an IM as being like a telephone call, when why not have some kind of "phone number" (or equivalent code, or just a permission setting). So people can only send you an IM if you have given them your number/code/permission. And people who are absolutely happy to receive IMs from anyone can make their "phone number" public, or set global permission to anyone if they want to. This allows anyone to receive IMs from whoever they want, while allowing them to prevent IMs from people they don't want.  So for example if I'm hosting at a club event I can turn on global permission so guests can IM me to ask for group tags or whatever, but if I'm out somewhere else I can switch it to invite-only. 

It would be broader and have greater flexibility than simply restricting IMs to friends only. 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Maitimo

[Kathlen Onyx]

16 minutes ago, Maitimo said:

That's not what I'm referring to at all.

I mean that the behaviour of a significant proportion of men in SL has caused a significant proportion of women to become cautious about accepting IMs from strangers because they know that the IM is going to lead somewhere they don't want to go. As long as that group of entitled men keeps growing, the group of cautious women will also continue to grow. This is why the level of acceptance of IMs is dropping.

I think a solution to the problem, which could be implemented by Linden Lab, would be some kind of "acceptance system". If you think of an IM as being like a telephone call, when why not have some kind of "phone number" (or equivalent code, or just a permission setting). So people can only send you an IM if you have given them your number/code/permission. And people who are absolutely happy to receive IMs from anyone can make their "phone number" public, or set global permission to anyone if they want to. This allows anyone to receive IMs from whoever they want, while allowing them to prevent IMs from people they don't want.  So for example if I'm hosting at a club event I can turn on global permission so guests can IM me to ask for group tags or whatever, but if I'm out somewhere else I can switch it to invite-only. 

It would be broader and have greater flexibility than simply restricting IMs to friends only. 

 

In FS there is such a setting "only friends and groups can IM me" You can turn that on and off as needed. I don't see how that is any different than your suggestion except that you don't have to add them to the list as friends.  I would think that if you want to be able to communicate with someone that you'd just add them anyway.  I haven't tested it to see if you IM the person and have that turned on if they can't IM you or not. I assume that if you IM someone first even if you have it turned on they can talk to you.  It just seems like it would be a frivolous option when they already have similar options.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Sam1 Bellisserian

[Maitimo]

7 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

In FS there is such a setting "only friends and groups can IM me" You can turn that on and off as needed.

The problem with that is that it necessitates adding people to your friends list, which may not be desired by either yourself or them. Adding strangers as friends opens a whole new, bigger and dirtier can of worms.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Maitimo

[Kimmi Zehetbauer]

Most random PMs I get are those looking to do naughty things or being racist.

[George Black]

I might ignore IM's when I'm busy or in a bad mood, but 90% of the time I will reply to anyone who says Hi and isn't clearly a bot.  If they're horrible, I'll block them... but I've met a bunch of cool folks that way, too.  So if you see me in world, say Hi

[Scylla Rhiadra]

58 minutes ago, Maitimo said:

I mean that the behaviour of a significant proportion of men in SL has caused a significant proportion of women to become cautious about accepting IMs from strangers because they know that the IM is going to lead somewhere they don't want to go. As long as that group of entitled men keeps growing, the group of cautious women will also continue to grow. This is why the level of acceptance of IMs is dropping.

Thank you Matti.

With the caveat that Matti's "significant proportion" applies both to the men and women of this statement, there is a great deal of truth in this.

I'm an extremely "open" person. I literally designed my avi to look "approachable," and I'm always very friendly and active in local chat (where there is any). But it has gotten so that I've come to dread the "ding" of an IM popping up in certain contexts, such as clubs, for precisely this reason.

And that's awful, because I like people. I like men, really and truly. And many of the men who are on my friends list, some of whom are close friends, first approached me this way.

But honestly, the number of times that these IMs from men segue, at varying paces, into sexual propositions is just . . . it's exhausting, it's disheartening, and it's supremely boring.

I get that there are women who like this, enjoy it, and seek it out. But the assumption by many men is that we are all, until proven otherwise, looking for sexual or romantic partners, and that the sooner that can be established, and the "annoying" small talk dispensed with, the better.

In some ways, in fact, I prefer the men who leap straight to the point: nothing is more depressing than to have a 20 minute conversation with someone who seems likable, only to discover that this was all just preamble. And then, of course, when one politely declines, the IM goes silent because, well, he wasn't really all that interested in your views on whatever you were discussing after all. And then there are the few who turn to abuse the moment you indicate your lack of interest.

I don't entirely blame men for this: there is nothing wrong with them looking for romantic or sexual partners. But -- and this is where the issue of "entitlement" arises -- to assume that all the women in the room are just waiting for the opportunity to jump or be jumped, and to frame your conversation around that assumption in such a way as to leave the impression that a woman who isn't is therefore uninteresting, unworthy, or even just a b*tch, is ugly and frankly often sexist.

We need a culture shift, one that can accommodate those looking for quick hook-ups with those who aren't in such a way that the latter aren't left feeling like they are wearing targets on their backs, and that their worth is entirely dependent upon the speed with which they are willing to disrobe.

[Leahndra]

17 minutes ago, Scylla Rhiadra said:

But honestly, the number of times that these IMs from men segue, at varying paces, into sexual propositions is just . . . it's exhausting, it's disheartening, and it's supremely boring.

👍👍👍

 

[Kalegthepsionicist]

14 hours ago, Cinnamon Mistwood said:

I hadn't thought of an incel pattern, but now that it has been pointed out, I agree that's what it looks like.  

Women only like men because of their money or fame.

Women can only be used to gain social standing and credibility. 

If women don't like me it is someone else's fault.

Women don't like me because they are all selfish gold diggers.

I still hope @Kalegthepsionicistwill take me up on my offer to hangout sometime.

sure,

but when my gf online she will join us. fyi. and we can hangout together.

 

and I prefer conference rather than private IM.

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Kalegthepsionicist

[BelindaN]

I always respond to IMs, and don't check local as much as I should.

Thing is, the ones who begin hi/how are you/where are you from/how old are you...... never go much beyond a few exchanges.

What's amusing is that when I'm out in my Black Widow persona, IMs are almost non existent. I did get one complimentary comment yesterday, but being fully armed seems to inhibit most people!

As I said in another post, incoming IM....zoom to view avi, then check profile, then JUDGE!

Edited January 16, 2022 by BelindaN