Resiliency In Second Life

[Love Zhaoying]

34 minutes ago, Kathlen Onyx said:

Wrong. If someone gets shot in the head *adverse condition* and recovers they learned survival not resilience.

Adding: even you you don't cope, survival implies something! 

[Love Zhaoying]

I swear, "resilience" is sounding more and more like a "participation trophy". 

[Ceka Cianci]

27 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I swear, "resilience" is sounding more and more like a "participation trophy". 

I always thought it meant, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.. But I might be misunderstanding it these days.. hehehe

[Love Zhaoying]

9 minutes ago, Ceka Cianci said:

I always thought it meant, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.. But I might be misunderstanding it these days.. hehehe

Like, a zombie that keeps leveling up?

[Kathlen Onyx]

4 hours ago, Luna Bliss said:

I need to move on....stuffs to do...and I've said all I can say.

If it can't be comprehended (by many anyway) that it's good to overcome challenges in any world, to honor ourselves when we manage to do so, I don't know what else I can say....

Just the last couple of pages the way you explain "winning" and mansplaining in your heart menders group, and this post specifically, I highly suspect that you have had ANY real training in psychology. 

The way you gaslight, can't see others points of view, only your own and the way you throw a tantrum when you don't get your way tells volumes that you are just pulling stuff out of your butt. 

I would warn anyone to stay far away because you do WAY more harm than good.

Edited April 20 by Kathlen Onyx

[Arielle Popstar]

1 hour ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Adding: even you you don't cope, survival implies something! 

 

1 hour ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I swear, "resilience" is sounding more and more like a "participation trophy". 

The way I would interpret it is that "survival" would warrant the participation. Resilience is at least a step up and implies a certain intent.

[BilliJo Aldrin]

On 4/18/2024 at 8:12 PM, Arielle Popstar said:

Because I assumed the point of the thread was stress relieving ideas INSIDE SL, not the ones outside of it.

I guess there are 4 possibilities

1) relieving Rl stress by doing things in  RL

2) relieving RL stress by doing things  in to SL

3) relieving SL stress by doing things in RL

4) relieving SL stress by doing things in SL

So is only #4 relevant to this thread, or would #2 be relevant too?

[BilliJo Aldrin]

28 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

 

The way I would interpret it is that "survival" would warrant the participation. Resilience is at least a step up and implies a certain intent.

Didn't some dead white guy say "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

That's kind of a resilience thing isn't it?

[BilliJo Aldrin]

1 hour ago, Ceka Cianci said:

I always thought it meant, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.. But I might be misunderstanding it these days.. hehehe

Didn't see that before I made my post... great minds....

[BilliJo Aldrin]

5 hours ago, Luna Bliss said:

yes, Love....we face the pain.  And to Arielle's point, yes, we deal with suffering.  Hopefully many here just chill in SL and dance/whatnot, and this enhances their SL/RL.. but I've certainly dealt with people in SL (including myself) who encountered difficult situations and had to deal with the pain of it in order to move on.  It's Psych 101 -- you don't move on from your pain unless you face it/feel it.

My ex sister always said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone

[Ceka Cianci]

39 minutes ago, BilliJo Aldrin said:

My ex sister always said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone

I've heard that line before somewhere..

Oh yea, it was a friend of mine trying to break out of the friend zone!! \o/

hehehe

Kidding

[Prokofy Neva]

On 4/16/2024 at 3:23 PM, Scylla Rhiadra said:

Interesting, and likely necessary, substitution at the end there!

I have very mixed feelings about Kipling, who was centre stage for much of the heyday of the British Empire as both cheerleader and sometime critic of the colonialist enterprise, especially in India. He was an excellent writer, and a great storyteller, but there is a machismo (not to mention Anglocentric) element to most of his work that leaves something of a bad taste in the mouth.

"If" was a very popular poem, the kind of thing that people would hang, framed, on their walls as an inspiration and a sort of embodiment of British muscularism. There is much with which I agree in this poem, and a great deal that I find unattractive as well. The final line, without the substitution, sort of sums that up, because it defines the meaning of this sort of character that in a way that is much more "judgy" and value laden than suggested by your substitution:

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

In the original version, it's not merely that these qualities define the kind of person that you are (a "resilient" person), but are actually the criteria by which we determine if you are a success or a failure (i.e., not a "man").

Putting aside the sexism here (Kipling wasn't really great at representing women, and usually didn't bother), does this mean that if you cannot manage these things, one is a "loser" instead? Does everyone need to have a stiff upper lip and a gung-ho attitude?

There's also a lot more required from this poem than just "resilience." I actually teach Kipling occasionally, because he can be nuanced and interesting, but I find this poem a bit trite, to be honest. It's one step above the rubric on the inside of a Hallmark greeting card -- at least in my view. Not his best work.

Interestingly, btw, there is a pretty good old film called "If" from the late 60s starring Malcolm McDowell that is a sort of savage and satirical riff on this poem set in an English school for boys (it's a little Lord of the Flies) -- what does the exercise of these qualities actually look like, on the ground? It ain't pretty, or so the film suggests.

Oh, and SL. To some degree, maybe this poem is of a piece with the "it's only a game!" or "block and move on" school of thought here? It's a short step from "resilience" or a "stiff upper lip," to "stop being such a snowflake."

During the early days of the pandemic before the vaccine when I couldn't go out of doors at all, I made my way through all the Central Asian greats that I never found time to read before -- I used to have a job writing about Central Asia daily and I would often say "I only know what I write in the newspaper" to stress my ignorance, as I had never gone to those countries as it happens. So John Buchan's "Greenmantle" (whose scenes I've re-created in SL in both egg and full-size form) is really the UR-novel of all of these types of works, and a lot of spy stories for the next 100 years like 007 and Smiley's People and such. And it is filled with the Orientalism and geocentrism and racism and antisemitism which you'd expect at the time so you have to take it as a period piece but it's still a great story, and politically-correct novels of our time like "The Bird King" have basically copied the same story line and even scenery. So I thought "Kim" was going to be even worse and it wasn't, actually, you need to read it through. Yes, people used to say "mankind" and "man's first step" and all the rest. 

I'm used to thinking of "resilient" in NGO terms so I apply it to situations like Chechen and Ukrainian war refugees torn from their homes or torn limb from limb, not...a virtual world for affluent Westerners to sit in their pajamas and RP. You know? 

Resilience in a virtual world? There's a very, very simple pathway to virtual world resilience: log off! Remember that CSI episode on SL that we were all fascinated by? And the "Log off! Log off!" scene?

But to put all of that aside and look at SL in its own terms...I think the key is to have good graphic settings. DO NOT CLICK that button on the viewer now that says "Improve Your Graphics" because it makes it WORSE. Dial everything down. Take off "avatar" view. Take down particles. You know the drill.

I just spent another evening with a friend TPing around aimlessly, lagging, crashing, trying to find some good live music or even just a place to shop at Fantasy Faire without dragging around in freeze frame. So we got a bit of shopping done, a bit of sight-seeing of the builds but the music wasn't workable. So, like the weather, wait an hour, and the Events list changes, you'll likely find something to your taste. Weedstock is in session although apparently mainly bikers and folk. I found this great show recently called Billy Bob and the Psychedelic somethings with old progressive rock tunes and a particle shows. So that's the second point about resilience: patience, ability to keep looking and suffering crashes.

Recently, another friend contacted me like 4 times and never caught me online, and I thought she had something urgent and specific, perhaps news of a show, a request about rentals info, some other time-specific matter. But instead it seems she just wanted to chat. I think she's on another time-zone. So I couldn't talk for long because I had to get to RL chores. And that's another piece of the resilience -- the ability to withstand the time zone challenge. SL overcomes space; it doesn't overcome time. Certain relationships seem to consist entirely of asynchronous communications so I try to keep them up -- I send a link to something interesting to read or watch, in or out of SL, a freebie, and LM to some gallery or whatever. And months --  years even! -- go by where I never see that person inworld, let alone talk to them in "real time" yet I feel as if we are "still friends."

Yet a third friend recently told me about a gatcha sale, I couldn't get it to hit the right thing, finally he bought it for me when he swung by and the tumbler clicked, and send it to me. I haven't seen him in ages -- and like a tenant I have, he keeps in touch by gifts (I send them too). So I would save give gifts. I wish the system had a thing whereby it would permanently leave a record tht a thing was a gift, so you could display that table or dinosaur egg in your home and it would say GIFTED BY PROKOFY NEVA on it as a conversation piece LOL.

I have had to face a great deal of disruption and loss in RL and SL. And I can only say the advice to all friends in RL working for any government or large corporation: keep a crime file. You can't always act, but keep a crime file, maybe you will be able to put it together to take action in the future. And if it is more along the lines of personal relationship trauma or suffering the loss of a person through RL death or leaving SL, write a journal even for just a few minute a day, it helps. Journaling advice and workshops get awfully twee or intensive and long-term -- a few minutes, and not even every day, sometimes even once every few weeks, can make a difference.

In that light my Just One Thing program which I got from yet another friend -- try to accomplish just one little thing each day, perhaps something you have been putting off. Chunk up the task. This applies to RL or SL. You will have a great sense of satisfaction if you actually unbox all your purchases and look at all the event gifts and toss most of them.

 

 

Edited April 20 by Prokofy Neva

[Paul Hexem]

Having read this thread, I find myself wondering... what's the difference between being resilient and being a stubborn troll?

[Love Zhaoying]

12 minutes ago, Paul Hexem said:

Having read this thread, I find myself wondering... what's the difference between being resilient and being a stubborn troll?

Trick question!

 

[Love Zhaoying]

Maybe the tendency to analyze everyone is a sign of compassion fatigue. Because it doesn't feel compassionate when we are subjected to it.

https://www.psychology.org/resources/mental-health-workers-need-therapy-too/

[Jordyn McGregor]

On 4/20/2024 at 12:04 PM, Kathlen Onyx said:

Just the last couple of pages the way you explain "winning" and mansplaining in your heart menders group, and this post specifically, I highly suspect that you have had ANY real training in psychology. 

The way you gaslight, can't see others points of view, only your own and the way you throw a tantrum when you don't get your way tells volumes that you are just pulling stuff out of your butt. 

I would warn anyone to stay far away because you do WAY more harm than good.

You get it now!!!  

[Ajay McDowwll]

On 4/18/2024 at 6:58 PM, Luna Bliss said:

Let me assist your baffled mind. I'm only asking for ways you  might utilize SL to improve your life. I've never said you HAVE to use SL to do so, or that there needs to be anything SL-specific.  I ask because...well...this is a forum that relates to Second Life!  Imagine that!

Luna, the question was unclear, as shown by the mass confusion about what you were requesting by many parties outside of my posts, hence my "baffled mind"  Judging from the others who were expressing same, I was not in bad company. 

Thank you for the clarification.

And this forum relates to Second Life?  I am shocked, shocked, I tell you!

[Love Zhaoying]

1 hour ago, Ajay McDowwll said:

Luna, the question was unclear, as shown by the mass confusion about what you were requesting by many parties outside of my posts, hence my "baffled mind"  Judging from the others who were expressing same, I was not in bad company. 

Thanks, she had me convinced that I was causing all the confusion by asking questions and creating division!

[Ajay McDowwll]

1 minute ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Thanks, she had me convinced that I was causing all the confusion by asking questions and creating division!

I don't believe so.  The explanation she gave me made sense, but the initial post was really vague regarding intent, and frankly her (somewhat acerbic) response to me was the first time I saw a clear answer.

I think a lot of us use SL as a tool to cope with situations:  it's a creative outlet, it can be meditative, and it can serve as a means of distraction/ redirection, among many other options.  It's nothing we can't ultimately do RL, but sometimes SL brings more distant options closer.

[Love Zhaoying]

2 minutes ago, Ajay McDowwll said:

I don't believe so.  The explanation she gave me made sense, but the initial post was really vague regarding intent, and frankly her (somewhat acerbic) response to me was the first time I saw a clear answer.

I think a lot of us use SL as a tool to cope with situations:  it's a creative outlet, it can be meditative, and it can serve as a means of distraction/ redirection, among many other options.  It's nothing we can't ultimately do RL, but sometimes SL brings more distant options closer.

Unfortunately, "resilience" also turned out to be a loaded term (assumedly, it was not chosen on purpose to be controversial).  Had just "healing", "recovery", etc. been used, then perhaps there could have been a lot less drama.  But then, we (those who participated in the discussion on it) would have learned less about what "resilience" means to some people, in some contexts, and its origin in Psychology, etc.

 

[Luna Bliss]

1 hour ago, Ajay McDowwll said:

1 hour ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Thanks, she had me convinced that I was causing all the confusion by asking questions and creating division!

I don't believe so.  The explanation she gave me made sense, but the initial post was really vague regarding intent, and frankly her (somewhat acerbic) response to me was the first time I saw a clear answer.

I think a lot of us use SL as a tool to cope with situations:  it's a creative outlet, it can be meditative, and it can serve as a means of distraction/ redirection, among many other options.  It's nothing we can't ultimately do RL, but sometimes SL brings more distant options closer.

Yes, I was acerbic and do apologize for that as I feel you were sincere, unlike many others who participated in this thread. At the time I couldn't take one more "confused" person.

For me, the question was very clear -- did you find ways SL could also help you in some way with stress you might encounter here?  When I saw many posting expressed they didn't even experience stress here, and even found the thought absurd (which felt quite disingenuous as for over 10 years I've heard the same people complain about the many difficulties encountered within SL), I amended the question anyway to include stresses we might encounter outside of SL too and subsequently use SL as a tool to feel better (develop resiliency).  I imagine it was difficult for you to understand I'd even amended it amidst the chaos.

The term "resiliency' proved too difficult for some to comprehend as well, so I attempted to remedy that by asking what within SL helped anyone 'feel good'.  Well then that cascaded into insanity.

[Ineffable Mote]

1 hour ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Unfortunately, "resilience" also turned out to be a loaded term (assumedly, it was not chosen on purpose to be controversial).

 

It's less that it's loaded, and more that it's been maldefined, and that much is intentional, consciously or otherwise.

That Kipling was coming from a place of better faith shined through in his works and observations, but it sure doesn't here, it's something else (SL as whole, I'd say. I could point out that as bodies of water, ponds tend to fare better than seas in this virtual world)

[Love Zhaoying]

Luckily, it's not our responsibility to "be understood", but to "understand others".

In other words, listen more than you talk (as they say)!

I just made all that up! It sounded good.

 

[Persephone Emerald]

5 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Luckily, it's not our responsibility to "be understood", but to "understand others".

In other words, listen more than you talk (as they say)!

I just made all that up! It sounded good.

As educated adults it is our responsibility to try to be understood and to try to understand others. This is why using words that are likely to be understood to mean what we think they mean is important.

Doing something that makes one feel good is not the same as doing something that improves one's resilency. For instance, people who experience PTSD might use desensitization techniques in SL that don't make them feel good, but do help to lower their negative reactions. Forcing oneself to keep talking with and listening to someone who is irritating, might help one to understand them even if it also increases one's own stress level temporarily. 

[Love Zhaoying]

4 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

As educated adults it is our responsibility to try to be understood and to try to understand others. This is why using words that are likely to be understood to mean what we think they mean is important.

Doing something that makes one feel good is not the same as doing something that improves one's resilency. For instance, people who experience PTSD might use desensitization techniques in SL that don't make them feel good, but do help to lower their negative reactions. Forcing oneself to keep talking with and listening to someone who is irritating, might help one to understand them even if it also increases one's own stress level temporarily. 

I guess what I meant, explained terribly, is - we can't always control whether others understand us.  Language gaps, different terminology, different backgrounds, cultural norms, etc.

But, we CAN try really hard to understand others. Even to the point of Googling. I Googled a lot more in this thread than usual!

ETA: What's the old saying? "Seek first not to be understood, but to understand?"

Edited April 22 by Love Zhaoying