The Perils of Lifelong Lunacy

[Madelaine McMasters]

How many of you have wondered if you'll be declared nuts in your dotage, as you commingle RL and SL memories, or simply look at the world in an odd way? Mom's never been in SL, but we're now experiencing the edges of that very scenario. She recently had a stroke, and has been a McMasters for nearly 70 years. That's turning out to be a slightly problematic mix. She's fine physically, but has significant cognition and memory loss. If it were not for my presence at her therapy sessions, I think things would be going poorly right now. Let me give you some examples...

The therapist places five picture cards on the table: a bird, a pig, a cat, a cow and a zebra.
Therapist: "What do all of these pictures have in common?"
Mom, tapping on the first two pictures: "Well, these two fly."
Therapist: "No, look at them again."
Mom, ignoring the therapist and tapping all of the photographs: "I wouldn't eat any of them."
Therapist: "Let's try again. What is the same about all of these photographs?"
Mom: "They're all faded."
Therapist: "Again, what kind of thing to you see in each of these pictures?"
Me: "Mom, do those pictures show vegetables?"
Mom: "No, animals . I know that"

 

Therapist: "Lets do synonyms."
Mom: "Okay, yes."
Therapist: "Silly"
Mom looks directly at me.
Therapist, thinking Mom's looking to me for the answer, not as the answer: "I want you to answer this yourself."
Mom: "Okay, yes. Didn't I?" (She didn't realize she hadn't actually said anything to the therapist).
...
Therapist: "Okay, now let's do antonyms."
Mom: "Synonyms".
Therapist: "No, we're going to do antonyms now."
Mom: "Yes, synonyms."
Me: "Synonym is the antonym of antonym".
Therapist: "That's not the word I'm looking for."
Me: "Stop looking."
Therapist: "Okay, let's try another word... Silly."
Mom, looking directly at me with a frown on her face."
Me: "Angry?"
Mom: "Yes, yes!."
Therapist: "I want YOU to think of a word."
Me: "Let's try another word."

I can't blame the therapist, as Mom's demeanor doesn't suggest she's anything but confused. While she has great difficulty pulling up the right words and expressing herself, it's clear to me that she's operating at a different level than they think. I'm so glad I'm able to attend therapy with her, to redirect the misunderstandings, and enjoy her inner goofball. But, I come away from this feeling slightly less amused by my own potential to be misunderstood in my waning years, as a result of being contrarian my entire life. My wish for all of you is that you're always surrounded by people who'll recognize the real you, and smile.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Madelaine McMasters

[Blush Bravin]

32 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

How many of you have wondered if you'll be declared nuts in your dotage, as you commingle RL and SL memories, or simply look at the world in an odd way? Mom's never been in SL, but we're now experiencing the edges of that very scenario. She recently had a stroke, and has been a McMasters for nearly 70 years. That's turning out to be a slightly problematic mix. She's fine physically, but has significant cognition and memory loss. If it were not for my presence at her therapy sessions, I think things would be going poorly right now. Let me give you some examples...

The therapist places five picture cards on the table: a bird, a pig, a cat, a cow and a zebra.
Therapist: "What do all of these pictures have in common?"
Mom, tapping on the first two pictures: "Well, these two fly."
Therapist: "No, look at them again."
Mom, ignoring the therapist and tapping all of the photographs: "I wouldn't eat any of them."
Therapist: "Let's try again. What is the same about all of these photographs?"
Mom: "They're all faded."
Therapist: "Again, what kind of thing to you see in each of these pictures?"
Me: "Mom, do those pictures show vegetables?"
Mom: "No, animals . I know that"

 

Therapist: "Lets do synonyms."
Mom: "Okay, yes."
Therapist: "Silly"
Mom looks directly at me.
Therapist, thinking Mom's looking to me for the answer, not as the answer: "I want you to answer this yourself."
Mom: "Okay, yes. Didn't I?" (She didn't realize she hadn't actually said anything to the therapist).
...
Therapist: "Okay, now let's do antonyms."
Mom: "Synonyms".
Therapist: "No, we're going to do antonyms now."
Mom: "Yes, synonyms."
Me: "Synonym is the antonym of antonym".
Therapist: "That's not the word I'm looking for."
Me: "Stop looking."
Therapist: "Okay, let's try another word... Silly."
Mom, looking directly at me with a frown on her face."
Me: "Angry?"
Mom: "Yes, yes!."
Therapist: "I want YOU to think of a word."
Me: "Let's try another word."

I can't blame the therapist, as Mom's demeanor doesn't suggest she's anything but confused. While she clearly has great difficulty pulling up the right words and expressing herself, it's clear to me that she's operating at a different level than they think. I'm so glad I'm able to attend therapy with her, to redirect the misunderstandings, and enjoy her inner goofball. But, I come away from this feeling slightly less amused by my own potential to be misunderstood in my waning years, as a result of being contrarian my entire life. My wish for all of you is that you're always surrounded by people who'll recognize the real you, and smile.

I think your mom needs a new therapist who's actually listening to your mom rather than wanting her to come up with what he's thinking.

As for mixing RL and SL in conversation and not being clear where one starts and the other ends .. that's a good one. I do that now and my cognitive abilities are fine, or I guess they are! But I'm also one of those who believes there's no way your RL and SL don't mingle. For me there's no way to keep them separate.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Blush Bravin

[Love Zhaoying]

Both of my parents and most of my grandparents succumned to dementia / Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. So, I expect it will take me too.

I’ve decided not to wait for my dotage to be “nuts”, as you put it.

 

[Madelaine McMasters]

30 minutes ago, Blush Bravin said:

I think your mom needs a new therapist who's actually listening to your mom rather than wanting her to come up with what he's thinking.

ETA: As for mixing RL and SL in conversation and not being clear where one starts and the other ends .. that's a good one. I do that now and my cognitive abilities are fine, or I guess they are! But I'm also one of those who believes there's no way your RL and SL don't mingle. For me there's no way to keep them separate.

She's had four so far, in two different facilities. I can extrapolate from my own experiences, approaching life from odd angles and being misunderstood (or thought weird), to the situation Mom is in. Her McMasters sense of humor is intact, but she's lost some ability to take the direct route in communicating and isn't aware that the therapist doesn't get the drift. I'm able to see where she's going when anyone else would be rightfully lost, and she lights up when I head in her direction.

I don't blame the therapists, they've all been wonderful. But, they can't replace the wealth of shared experience of friends and family. I didn't think I'd ever claim that someone is lucky to have me around, but after watching other stroke patients battling through on their own without family support, one could do worse.

 

ETA to your ETA: I have joked with SL friends that people will think I'm nuts when I someday recall sitting in a volcano sipping root beer, or falling to my death, over and over again. Over the last month, I've seen the potential for that to actually happen and, absent anyone else to explain me, the potential for poor results. Hopefully I'll remember to imagine that some of you are in the same boat, and that'll provide me some small comfort. ;-).

Edited September 17, 2018 by Madelaine McMasters

[Madelaine McMasters]

2 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I’ve decided not to wait for my dotage to be “nuts”, as you put it.

Enjoy it while you can, Love.

[MoiraKathleen]

21 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

She's had four so far, in two different facilities. I can extrapolate from my own experiences, approaching life from odd angles and being misunderstood (or thought weird), to the situation Mom is in. Her McMasters sense of humor is intact, but she's lost some ability to take the direct route in communicating and isn't aware that the therapist doesn't get the drift. I'm able to see where she's going when anyone else would be rightfully lost, and she lights up when I head in her direction.

I don't blame the therapists, they've all been wonderful. But, they can't replace the wealth of shared experience of friends and family. I didn't think I'd ever claim that someone is lucky to have me around, but after watching other stroke patients battling through on their own without family support, one could do worse.

She's lucky that you are able to be there for her.  Not always an easy thing, I imagine. 

I remember my aunt, after her stroke, would get so frustrated with herself because she just couldn't think of the word she wanted to say.  I thought of this when you were describing her looking at you rather than answering the therapist verbally - it seemed like she was thinking of the right word, and knew that you would know what she meant by the way she looked at you. 

[Rhonda Huntress]

57 minutes ago, Madelaine McMasters said:

How many of you have wondered if you'll be declared nuts in your dotage

I am nuts. Although I have successfully avoided any such labels so far it is only a matter of time.

[Madelaine McMasters]

1 hour ago, moirakathleen said:

Not always an easy thing, I imagine. 

It's more challenging now than with Dad, who slipped away from Alzheimer's. It was toughest when he knew his mind was going, but it wasn't long before he became a happy camper as we entertained his misperceptions of the world around him. Dad had Mom there 24/7, and the support staff was wonderful then, too.

This time it's more challenging. Mom knows what she's lost and she's trying to regain it. She doesn't have a constant companion to ease things, though I've been spending a lot of time with her. We do laugh, sometimes unfairly at the expense of staff, who just aren't in on the jokes.

I can easily picture myself in her position, simply because so many people have misunderstood my sense of humor over the years. It's not like I can stop seeing the world the way I do. If you show me five pictures of animals and ask me what they have in common, I would happily say "I won't eat any of them" or even "I could eat all of them", especially if I can't readily conjure the word "animal".  I'm not sure that, should I someday have a stroke, I'll know those are not helpful answers. I'll just sit there, peeved that the therapist doesn't get it.

[Rolig Loon]

I have commented before, a few times, that I think you and I were separated at birth ( although oddly also separated in age by some 15 years or so --  a logical inconsistency that I blame on a flaw in the universe.)   I share your tendency to head off at right angles to the expected mental path, sometimes to confuse anyone who might be following but usually just because I'm easily distracted by some shiny thought.  I've never believed that being "offbeat" or "quirky" or "a little nuts" has done me any harm.  In fact, it has led me to several other delightfully whacko people with the same outlook on life.  When you go off the deep end, look around to see if I got there first.

BTW, my own mother went into the same twilight zone that your Mom is entering, so I can imagine what you are going through.  Mom was a right angle thinker as a child, or so her mother told me more than once. She also had your Mom's talent for finding the unexpected answer to even the simplest. mundane questions.  She didn't get any less quirky as the end approached.  While she was in hospice, she once warned the nurse that it was after hours and the nurse wasn't wearing the proper security badge.  ("You're not supposed to be in a government installation.")  It might have been creeping dementia, but she used to use the same line on me when I was up way too late, studying for some school exam.  She was just being Mom.  The only thing that changed was that she was more "Mom" at the end than usual.

Enjoy your mother's company while you can, and be assured that she's glad to have at least one other oddball to talk with. 

[Pamela Galli]

24 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

I've never believed that being "offbeat" or "quirky" or "a little nuts" has done me any harm.  In fact, it has led me to several other delightfully whacko people with the same outlook on life

Kind of a prerequisite for most of us who not just found but embraced SL.

[Ivanova Shostakovich]

42 minutes ago, Pamela Galli said:

Kind of a prerequisite for most of us who not just found but embraced SL.

   /me hugs all of you.

[Madelaine McMasters]

3 hours ago, Rolig Loon said:

She was just being Mom.  The only thing that changed was that she was more "Mom" at the end than usual.

Enjoy your mother's company while you can, and be assured that she's glad to have at least one other oddball to talk with. 

During her first days in the hospital, unable to speak at all, or say only "Yes", I was more touchy-feely than usual, thinking that might help. Oops. She'd go to tears on seeing me. If I'm being nice, she must be dying. Though she knows her time is growing short, that's still an emotional thing to contemplate.

So, I returned to being Maddy. The Maddy-er I got, the more Mom she became. I'd walk into her room in the morning and say "So, what are you going to b*tch about today?", and she'd say "Oh geez" and shake her head. No tears! My change of approach shocked Mom's nurse, until she saw the response. "You two are so much fun!" It's nice to hear that in a stroke recovery unit.

We do seem to have been separated at birth, Rolig. And, though by decades, my mom is old enough to be your mom. I think I have a few questions for her.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Madelaine McMasters

[Madelaine McMasters]

3 hours ago, Pamela Galli said:

Kind of a prerequisite for most of us who not just found but embraced SL.

You silly people are the best thing about this place.

2 hours ago, Ivanova Shostakovich said:

   /me hugs all of you.

...sets you on fire.

[Maryanne Solo]

I am employed by our Dept of Education as a cognitive disability assistant, (my sort of, day job), because of my uncanny empathy with those less fortunate than most.

We all know what that means.   *woody woodpecker laugh. 

Edited September 18, 2018 by Maryanne Solo

[Madelaine McMasters]

44 minutes ago, Maryanne Solo said:

I am employed by our Dept of Education as a cognitive disability assistant, (my sort of, day job), because of my uncanny empathy with those less fortunate than most.

We all know what that means.   *woody woodpecker laugh. 

My empathy comes from a can.

If you can actually do the Woody Woodpecker laugh, Mom will put up with you.

[Bitsy Buccaneer]

On 9/17/2018 at 8:25 PM, Madelaine McMasters said:

after watching other stroke patients battling through on their own without family support, one could do worse.

This or dementia or both are the direction I'm headed. I'm not long past 50 and already battling increasing cognitive problems. Family history of strokes and TIAs too. As for support, my family is like that therapist who's speaking another language and I'm like you, trying to bridge the gap.

Love all that is good about yourself Maddy, like your Mom does.

[BelindaN]

I'm right there with you on this Madelaine. Although my mother has not had a stroke, her cognitive abilities have diminished quite rapidly over the last couple of years, not helped by deafness. As a result of this we have had some hilarious encounters with medics. My mother has always gone googly eyed in the presence of a doctor, and even when normal, never, ever gave a straight answer to even the most mundane question. She would often answer the question that was not asked. Sometimes now she answers with an amused smile which I have to translate........

Me? Am I quirky? Oh yeah you bet I am. Am I a nutcase? Yeah on some days I'm on the fringes. That's why I love it in SL........?

[Madelaine McMasters]

1 hour ago, Bitsy Buccaneer said:

This or dementia or both are the direction I'm headed. I'm not long past 50 and already battling increasing cognitive problems. Family history of strokes and TIAs too. As for support, my family is like that therapist who's speaking another language and I'm like you, trying to bridge the gap.

Love all that is good about yourself Maddy, like your Mom does.

I hope you have an enjoyable ride into the sunset, Bitsy, if not with family, then with friends.

Dad had one bad year at the hands of Alzheimer's, after which it was just Mom and I who had to deal with his decline. He was blissfully unaware of what he'd lost. Once we got past grieving that loss, we were able to enjoy him as he was. He thought I was Mom, and flirted with me as he did with her when they were young. We traveled back in time to Iowa, before rural electrification. He eventually thought I was his mother, and I told him the spooky campfire stories he told me when I was little.

I'm grooming the neighbor's kid, who I inherited when she passed away several years ago. He lives six hours away, but he's trying to convince me to buy a motorcycle to go riding with him, and I'm trying to convince him to take my Miata when I get something new. It's worth trying to keep the connection. I've no idea if he'll be there for me when I'm fading, but I'm hopeful... and I control the disbursement of his late mother's estate.

Invest in friendships while you can, and if you have leverage, use it.

;-).

[Madelaine McMasters]

1 hour ago, BelindaN said:

I'm right there with you on this Madelaine. Although my mother has not had a stroke, her cognitive abilities have diminished quite rapidly over the last couple of years, not helped by deafness. As a result of this we have had some hilarious encounters with medics. My mother has always gone googly eyed in the presence of a doctor, and even when normal, never, ever gave a straight answer to even the most mundane question. She would often answer the question that was not asked. Sometimes now she answers with an amused smile which I have to translate........

Me? Am I quirky? Oh yeah you bet I am. Am I a nutcase? Yeah on some days I'm on the fringes. That's why I love it in SL........?

It's a McMasters family tradition to have fun in hospitals. We banter and flirt with everybody. Mom's the quiet one, but always willing to play along. I've inherited the role of instigator, and I run with it. If you don't laugh, you cry. If only hospitals could be like SL. Imagine how much less painkiller patients would need if they could throw annoying people through a window. There's your answer to the opioid epidemic... defenestration!

Edited September 18, 2018 by Madelaine McMasters

[Lindal Kidd]

Maddy, reading your description of Mom Vs. the Therapist, I'd say Mom is way ahead on points.

Need to get the Head Pshrink in to referee.  If he's halfway honest, he'll put the therapist in bed and have your mom asking the dumb questions.

[Madelaine McMasters]

12 hours ago, Lindal Kidd said:

Maddy, reading your description of Mom Vs. the Therapist, I'd say Mom is way ahead on points.

Need to get the Head Pshrink in to referee.  If he's halfway honest, he'll put the therapist in bed and have your mom asking the dumb questions.

I think I'm going to be the head therapist. She's only got a few weeks left, and I'm looking for ways she can proceed on her own with my help. There's an iPad app called "Constant Therapy" that looks interesting. It's designed for aphasia patients. Though Mom's having difficulty using her iPad, I hope to simplify things on it to the point she can figure it out.

She has great difficulty with the simplest words, yet her sense of humor is intact. So long as that holds, we're good.

Edited September 19, 2018 by Madelaine McMasters

[Lindal Kidd]

You don't need words, sweetie. ?