Looking back on 3 years SL...

[Sonja Smedley]

Well....I think it was time to make a review of  what happened these 3 years I have been in SL...and I came to the conclusion that the more you give the less you get back.

Pretty much the same as in RL but a bit more intensive here.

I don´t know why maybe I was to good and took to much care of some people and it seems that I have wasted very very much of my time in SL to one particular person.And then after 3 years....puffffff....I saw what it was worth.Exactly nothing.Although one good friend warned me all the years after one time meeting her.I did not listen, I mean she was my one and only best friend here.The harder it is now to see that he was right all the time.:-(Hmmm...that gave me to think about the last days.And now after all I really start thinking that I do something wrong here.

But it is just not only this person who dissapointed me so much...I nearly always seem to meet people who only take take take and I give and then they dissapear....slow and quiet...lol

Is it really the way like....you get all when you behave like an as*****????

But I cannot act like this.

I am who I am and I always thought that real friendship is worth more than only to see where you can get the next good place to live for free and to have enough prims for free use...

 

[Dresden Ceriano]

Could it be that your subconscious motives for being so giving are not necessarily, entirely pure?  Perhaps you've set your expectations of these people, to which you've been so generous, far too high... making it seem as though all they do is take, when that may not be an accurate assessment of the situation.

Regardless, the only way you've wasted your time is if you've learned nothing in the process... after all, that's what life is all about.

...Dres

[Sonja Smedley]

Yes it really seems that my exspectations were far too high.....but for me it was real friendship.On her side it was...I don´t know....superficiality, well I mean I even helped her when she had problems with her account cause of her RL husband.At this time I was good enough.

[Sephina Frostbite]

---

Dresden Ceriano wrote:

Could it be that your subconscious motives for being so giving are not necessarily, entirely pure?  Perhaps you've set your expectations of these people, to which you've been so generous, far too high... making it seem as though all they do is take, when that may not be an accurate assessment of the situation.

Regardless, the only way you've wasted your time is if you've learned nothing in the process... after all, that's what life is all about.

...Dres

---

You do have a point there. I was guilty of this once time long ago. Now Im am just sweet and never expect anything back not even a friendship. I am much happier for it.

[Sephina Frostbite]

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

Yes it really seems that my exspectations were far too high.....but for me it was real friendship.On her side it was...I don´t know....superficiality, well I mean I even helped her when she had problems with her account cause of her RL husband.At this time I was good enough.

---

From what little I talk to you, you seem like a very caring person. I hope you can find people who are just the same. I am sorry that you are going through this. I too am cleaning out my "friends" list and its looking smaller every day. But at least at the end of the day all that is left are people who are worth my time and I am worth theres.

Edit: Spelling, because Im extra special today.

[Tamara Artis]

Sorry you feel this way. 

When person helps someone, they invest time and effort, and it can happen that other side doesn't appreciate it as much as it should be. Or as much as the "helper" expected. If you expect something in return, you're most likely be unhappy with the result.

People are like that, we value our own time and everything we did but at the same time we take other things for granted. We have double standards, giving big value to our own deeds and thinking other people's actions are not even close to ours. 

And then, do you want to be a good person? Because good people give, give, give and expect nothing in return. They are happy to be able to help and see the other person walking away happy. Its hard to be good. 

Now you made me think of good and bad lol

 

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

Yes it really seems that my exspectations were far too high.....but for me it was real friendship.On her side it was...I don´t know....superficiality, well I mean I even helped her when she had problems with her account cause of her RL husband.At this time I was good enough.

---

I understand how you feel.  Unfortunately, you, like everyone else, can't control anyone's behavior but your own.  So, if you want anything to be different in the future, that's a good place to start... only you can decide where you want to go and who you want to be.  Just try not to let a few negative instances turn you into something you don't like.  It's not easy to come back from something like that... believe me, I know from experience.

...Dres

[Pamela Galli]

I try to pick friends that are much nicer and have far better character than I do. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

[Sephina Frostbite]

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Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are much nicer and have far better character than I do. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

I love this!

[Perrie Juran]

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Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are much nicer and have far better character than I do. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

"Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member".

Groucho Marx

[Dresden Ceriano]

---

Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are

much nicer and have far better character than I do

. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

You must have a very difficult time trying to find friends that live up to that standard.

...Dres

[Porky Gorky]

---

Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are much nicer and have far better character than I do. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

aaaaw, that explains why you have not sent me a friend request after all these years of bantering on the forums :smileywink:

[Tex Monday]

I guess a way to think about it is that you've been lucky to have had a friend for three years. I have about 50 friends on my friends list (not many, I know) but I only have 2 that I've been with a year or longer.

For many people, SL is a game..that's it. They don't think that there is a person on the other side of the keyboard, so, they do what is good for them and then leave....and they don't take into account the feelings and emotions that can develop between people. It's a shame...but, people are people. There are a******* in RL too..we all know them; the friend that borrows $20 and never returns it; the man or woman who needs an emotional shoulder to cry on, but isn't there is YOU need them. And I hate to say it, but eventually you'll fall into that trap again. It's human nature to crave companionship and relationships..whether it's SL or RL. There's really no avoiding it. Best you can do, as Dres already said, is to learn from this experience and hope the next time it happens it won't be the same outcome.

If you need anything, let me know.

Good luck

[onewith Slingshot]

Hi .... I did the same when I came to me 3rd year. Thined out a lot of  people the didnt fit the friendship Description....Giggles .  Just keeped the real friends..... then another year has gone by ... those friends are gone.... and I have gather all new friends this year.... So for me its been live and learn and enjoy them when they do cross my path .... for life and sl life are the same ,always changing.... I loved what you wrote... you sound like a sweet friend... and Know that you are the good friend..

Onewith

[Madelaine McMasters]

---

Sonja Smedley wrote:

Well....I think it was time to make a review of  what happened these 3 years I have been in SL...and I came to the conclusion that the more you give the less you get back.

Pretty much the same as in RL but a bit more intensive here.

I don´t know why maybe I was to good and took to much care of some people and it seems that I have wasted very very much of my time in SL to one particular person.And then after 3 years....puffffff....I saw what it was worth.Exactly nothing.Although one good friend warned me all the years after one time meeting her.I did not listen, I mean she was my one and only best friend here.The harder it is now to see that he was right all the time.:-(Hmmm...that gave me to think about the last days.And now after all I really start thinking that I do something wrong here.

But it is just not only this person who dissapointed me so much...I nearly always seem to meet people who only take take take and I give and then they dissapear....slow and quiet...lol

Is it really the way like....you get all when you behave like an as*****????

But I cannot act like this.

I am who I am and I always thought that real friendship is worth more than only to see where you can get the next good place to live for free and to have enough prims for free use...

 

---

I can't say what kind of friend my friends believe I am, but I've been on this second Second Life for nearly three years and most of the friends I spend (decreasing) time with are those I met at the beginning. My first Second Life lasted more than two years, during which I made a smaller number of friends, most of which I kept close right up until I left.

But I did leave. I said my goodbyes, closed my account and never looked back.

And my ability to do that sometimes bothers me. I know I'll do it again, as I have as I moved from venue to venue since first going online more than 25 years ago. I try to treat people as I'd like to be treated, but I have drawn a line between my online self and my offline self that I've never crossed. Knowing that I am a transient creature online, I have never expected anyone to return interest on my investments in them.

So I can see myself on either side of your story. I am a person who gives with no expectation of a return and certainly no belief that my giving was wasted. It made me feel good. But I can also see myself as a "taker", in that I know full well that the friendships I make here will ultimately end.

I've had people try to absolve me of any guilt I might feel over this by noting it's not much different than saying goodbye to friends when you move to a new city. But it is different. Nobody moves to a new city with the knowledge that all of the friendships will end when the next move comes. The maid of honor at my wedding has moved all around the US in the 21 years since that day, yet we are still in touch... not a lot, but enough to trust one of us will come to the other's funeral.

It's sad that you felt your time was wasted. I had a roller coaster relationship in my first life here, as have many others. It was wonderful when it was wonderful, it was terrible when it was terrible and three years later I still don't think it was time wasted. She may have played me at times, but there were moments I don't believe she was and so I know that what I gave was appreciated... and I feel good about that. So, I'll remember the wonderful moments and forget the terrible. It's what I do.

I hope you can find a way to look back and see that, although it ultimately didn't work out, you probably made a positive difference in people's lives here, and feel good about that. Let's call that your internal rate of return on investment. External return is a bonus.

[Pamela Galli]

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Porky Gorky wrote:

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Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are much nicer and have far better character than I do. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

aaaaw, that explains why you have not sent me a friend request after all these years of bantering on the forums :smileywink:

---

I of course adore you Porky, as we all do, but some people are just too far above me in niceness and character.

 

(I have over 300 on my friends list, and I probably could not name six of them.)

[Pamela Galli]

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:

---

Pamela Galli wrote:

I try to pick friends that are

much nicer and have far better character than I do

. The mystery is why they seem to be okay being friends with me. 

---

You must have a very difficult time trying to find friends that live up to that standard.

...Dres

---

You'd be surprised how many very fine folks tolerate me hanging around. :smileytongue:

[ImaTest1488314069]

When I give freely from the heart, regardless of what it is I am giving, I set no expectations of a return, of any sort. A lesson I learned in rl a very, very long time ago. When there are expectations of a return on the part of the giver, the giving wasn't done freely.

That probably sounds a bit more harsh than it should, but I still find it to be the best philosophy when it comes to relationships with others. No matter how big, small, long or short, if I stick to this philisophy there is never any disappointment on my end. If I don't, I leave room for possible disappointment. When that happens, I don't feel so good about myself. Knowing I cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings or words of another, I stick to controlling my own.

I cherish the friends I make. I cherish the ones who stick around as much as the ones who up and leave. It's not often a person just ups and leaves with no clue, or warning, they intend to do so. It happens, but not often. We usually just choose to ignore any clues, or warnings. Usually because we have an invested interest in the person. The invested interest is because of the expectations we set.

So, that's my advice, don't set expectations. Life life freely. Give of yourself freely. Let the world give itself to you as freely as it wishes. Be happy with what you receive in return. Don't focus, worry or even think about what you're not getting in return. You'll only disappoint yourselves. Others aren't the ones disappointing you, it'syour expectations letting you down. A relationship that has expectations on either side, isn't an equal relationship at all, imo.

A rough life lesson to learn, yes, but if I hadn't learned it, I'd still be a very bitter man. I was left a very long time ago to raise a newborn son, by someone I had no reason to believe would ever leave, much less leave her son. I was angry, for a long time, then I realized how pointless it was to be angry. I can either accept this, or not. But either way, I had a life to live, and a life to raise. Since then, I've eliminated my expectations in others and simply taken life, and people, as they come. Life is much happier now.

[Madelaine McMasters]

I'm gonna guess that newborn Son hasn't feel unappreciated over the years, Imatest.

I thoroughly agree that expecting a return on investment is a recipe for sadness. I can be powered through a day simply by the smiles I see on other people's faces. Knowing I'm able to put them there is satisfying, and actually doing so, I could argue, is self serving.

If there's one thing I'm still learning, it's to graciously accept appreciation when I get it. It's as if I've gone a too far in setting no expectations. When someone gives me the gift of a thank you or a compliment, it can feel uncomfortable. But that's my problem. It's hardly fair to deprive someone else of the pleasure of putting a smile on my face.

[Leia36]

I have a special friend, her behaviour in SL is a shining light to me. She is the most generous and tender human being I have had the privelige to know and I can only hope to be half as kind and good as she is. She takes my breath away. You know who you are

[Maryanne Solo]

Theres nothing wrong with giving, be it of yourself or monetarily.

But in this, ensure you have your own special little niche that gives back to you.

Don't give up, don't be meh.

Learn to/create something. Preferably an entire range of stuffs.

That way when you feel exasperated, perhaps with others

You can hide behind your own creativity and take comfort in the knowledge that

you are you and nothing can ever change that

and yes, you are pretty kewl *winx :matte-motes-smitten:

 

ps: I forgot, check out Pamelas stuff, youll see what I mean

[Sonja Smedley]

Thanks for all your answers and suggestions.I have read it all and you are all right.

I have to move on and try not to have any exspectations in future.Means I never wanted material things back, I only was hoping that the friendship in this special case would have been more worth than something else.I was wrong and now I have learned this lesson.:0)

I know friends come and go very fast in SL, some stay some not.

But over all the years I am here now one person stayed the whole time.Maybe he is the only friend who was always near me, although I did not notice it.He looked after me when I did not feel good and he made distance when I was happy.Big distance in RL between us so there will never be a happy end for love but in my mind I will always love him.He showed me what real love means.And I know even when we do not chat or have contact ingame that he is always with me in thought.

I think this is a very precious gift I have and I should not look back of the bad things that happened I should be happy to be able to call this man my friend.:heart:

[Ren Toxx]

I think I know how you feel, Sonja. There's that person that you give 10 things to, without expecting anything in return, and it's always a passing 'ty' (if that)... almost as if taken for granted; then one day comes the 11th. thing that you honestly feel you cannot give... and all of a sudden it's 'omg, you're so selfish, I never thought you'd do that to me, we've been friends for sooo long, now I see it meant nothing to you and blah, blah, blah...'

I won't pretend it doesn't have to hurt... I know it does. But try seeing the good part of it: there now is one less selfish person in your life, ungratefully (and maybe excessively) taking from you, and you didn't even had to remove that person from your life... he or she did it for you.

[Sonja Smedley]

Well actually I removed her on that day!

I had a discussion with a brother of us (now exbrother) and I was told to shut up in a friendly way from him...lol!

Well I want to work things out I cannot keep my mouth shut when there are problems and then suddenly I had enough of all this loving family role play...it felt unhonest.And she said after this discussion that she would feel uncomfortable sitting between the chairs, cause she lives at this brothers family estate for free...and so I made the decision to end our friendship too.She accepted.

That´s the story in short words.

And all cause of a roleplay dog who was the main reason for this fight ...lol.

 

[Marigold Devin]

Dres is right, as long as you learn something from your experiences, then the time was not wasted.

Not all friendships are meant to be forever, most are just transitional, but for some reason us human beings really stress about not keeping in touch with other people as our lives twist and turn and things pull us in different directions. Often on reality shows on TV you hear people say that they've 'been on a journey' or it's been 'a roller-coaster ride' and it can feel that way.

The main thing is to learn, to know when it's right to move on, to realise no one did anything wrong (if they did nothing except grow apart from another person), and most importantly, not to become bitter.

New friends and experiences are just around the corner. 

I'm not suggesting you change your own personality and become as fickle as other people can seem to be, just know that it is all part and parcel of regular life, and you are right, Second Life experiences certainly do seem to be more.. intense/intensive, and people do seem to come and go more often in our peculiar world.