Recognizing and refraining from Interpersonal Disputes

[Arielle Popstar]

41 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

In my experience some people deserve the ire they've drawn to them, yet they claim they are victims.

It's a terrible pattern. And does make disputes on forums so hard to manage.

One can always find a trumped up justification for another to "deserve" the ire if one looks hard enough but isn't that where all the problems start, both in the forums and real life? And by finding this justification for ire and indulging in it, one sets the tone and permission for the other to do so resulting in a war of words and more.

[Luna Bliss]

16 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

In my experience some people deserve the ire they've drawn to them, yet they claim they are victims.

It's a terrible pattern. And does make disputes on forums so hard to manage.

One can always find a trumped up justification for another to "deserve" the ire if one looks hard enough but isn't that where all the problems start, both in the forums and real life? And by finding this justification for ire and indulging in it, one sets the tone and permission for the other to do so resulting in a war of words and more.

Your statement assumes the ire or anger some have toward bad behavior is ALWAYS "trumped up" justification.  It's not. There are people who behave badly, most notably those who only intend to disrupt a forum through manipulation, attention-seeking, and disingenuous behavior. Anger against destructive behavior is justified. One can feel sympathy and understanding yet still feel anger over someone's mission to destroy.

Of course I would always be cautious in making such a judgement regarding any individual, but to say this behavior never exists is simply not true, and I'm not surprised those witnessing it would feel anger when encountering it.

[Arielle Popstar]

1 minute ago, Luna Bliss said:

Your statement assumes the ire or anger some have toward bad behavior is ALWAYS "trumped up" justification.  It's not. There are people who behave badly, most notably those who only intend to disrupt a forum through manipulation, attention-seeking, and disingenuous behavior. Anger against destructive behavior is justified. One can feel sympathy and understanding yet still feel anger over someone's mission to destroy.

Of course I would always be cautious in making such a judgement regarding any individual, but to say this behavior never exists is simply not true, and I'm not surprised those witnessing it would feel anger when encountering it.

One thing to experience anger and another to act out on it. That is where vigilantes and real and virtual lynch mobs start which never results in anything positive. When one can't be trusted to not act out their anger in little things, they are likely not to be trusted to act it out on bigger ones if they think they can get away with it.

[Luna Bliss]

1 minute ago, Arielle Popstar said:

One thing to experience anger and another to act out on it. That is where vigilantes and real and virtual lynch mobs start which never results in anything positive. When one can't be trusted to not act out their anger in little things, they are likely not to be trusted to act it out on bigger ones if they think they can get away with it.

I said:

    " In my experience some people deserve the ire they've drawn to them, yet they claim they are victims".

There is nothing in that statement that implies any kind of "acting out" of that anger.

Not sure why you bring "vigilantes" and "lynch mobs" into it.

[Arielle Popstar]

6 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

I said:

    " In my experience some people deserve the ire they've drawn to them, yet they claim they are victims".

There is nothing in that statement that implies any kind of "acting out" of that anger.

Not sure why you bring "vigilantes" and "lynch mobs" into it.

Ire is intense and usually openly displayed anger. That by definition is an acting out of anger and in the forum often used to incite others to feel the same.

[Luna Bliss]

4 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Ire is intense and usually openly displayed anger. That by definition is an acting out of anger and in the forum often used to incite others to feel the same.

Yes, it is intense anger and usually openly displayed, but I don't see how this would be an "acting out" of anger.  Acting out anger usually means someone becomes violent or destructive to self and/or others.

And the fact that it might be used to incite others to feel the same doesn't mean this is the purpose of it. More likely it's just that someone is really pissed off!

[Theresa Tennyson]

21 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Ire is intense and usually openly displayed anger. That by definition is an acting out of anger and in the forum often used to incite others to feel the same.

So, what was your intention in starting this thread?

[Luna Bliss]

Anger is a wonderful emotion, though I can't say I enjoy it -- it really doesn't feel very good -- I'd rather feel peaceful.
But anger tells us when something important to us has been violated, when our boundaries have been transgressed. We are then empowered to do something about it -- anger functions as a motivator. Anger is almost pure energy.

However, if we IMAGINE we have been violated somehow, if we IMAGINE someone is transgressing our boundaries when they have not, then the anger we feel is not justified and serves no purpose.

With pain and loss in life we go through phases of emotions in order to accept reality. Anger is one emotion we must pass through if we are to arrive at a place of acceptance.
    denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

[Dyna Mole]

Please refer to the Community Participation Guidelines regarding flaming:

"Flames" are hostile or disruptive posts, or messages intended to incite an angry response.

It is not always easy for moderators to decide what a poster's intent may be. If context and wording make it fairly clear that a post is meant to provoke an angry response, however, moderators will step in.

[Persephone Emerald]

3 hours ago, JuliaFina said:

As the mods posted several times "Just to reinforce (the) message, interpersonal disputes should not be conducted in these forums.  Take it to IMs or something." That's the adult thing to do. Get in IM's and work it out like the mods suggested. Talking it out is always the best option. I had someone mad at me once and we talked it out and are now best friends!

If someone makes a personal attack on a forum and especially if there seems to be a misunderstanding between people, then taking it to private IMs can resolve the conflict between them. If someone is using the forums to lie about what someone said, to stir up conflict, or to demean a whole group of people, then I think calling them out publicly is the most effective way to derail their bad behavior.

Sunlight kills mold.

Edited April 24, 2022 by Persephone Emerald
to add "to stir up conflict"

[Love Zhaoying]

On 4/22/2022 at 5:13 PM, Love Zhaoying said:

I dunno, a topic about forum disputes sounds..disputable.

Who could have possibly predicted how this would turn out?

[Love Zhaoying]

2 hours ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Ire is intense and usually openly displayed anger. That by definition is an acting out of anger and in the forum often used to incite others to feel the same.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ire

It doesn't say anything in the definition above about "acting out". Which dictionary do you use?

I am trying to learn here!

Edited April 24, 2022 by Love Zhaoying

[Luna Bliss]

He be havin some wrath...

[Love Zhaoying]

4 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

He be havin some wrath...

Maybe he's just...Irish. (Second definition of "Ire".)

[Kathlen Onyx]

22 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

If someone makes a personal attack on a forum and especially if there seems to be a misunderstanding between people, then taking it to private IMs can resolve the conflict between them. If someone is using the forums to lie about what someone said, to stir up conflict, or to demean a whole group of people, then I think calling them out publicly is the most effective way to derail their bad behavior.

Sunlight kills mold.

It doesn't derail the behavior though and they just dig their heels in deeper until the thread eventually gets closed or deleted.  The most effective way to derail bad behavior is to ignore it but that never happens.  Besides, there is no reason to call anyone out for bad behavior. It can be seen by all forum members. 

[Love Zhaoying]

28 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

Sunlight kills mold.

I looked it up, true!

 

[Kathlen Onyx]

BUT BUT....now I'm curious if it kills all the other stuff. Well, now my afternoon is shot looking it all up.  

[Love Zhaoying]

2 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Besides, there is no reason to call anyone out for bad behavior. It can be seen by all forum members. 

Agree! We don't have "public caning" (Singapore I think?), and "shunning" seems pretty ineffectual on der innervebs.

[Persephone Emerald]

29 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Agree! We don't have "public caning" (Singapore I think?), and "shunning" seems pretty ineffectual on der innervebs.

 

[Rowan Amore]

53 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

If someone makes a personal attack on a forum and especially if there seems to be a misunderstanding between people, then taking it to private IMs can resolve the conflict between them. If someone is using the forums to lie about what someone said, to stir up conflict, or to demean a whole group of people, then I think calling them out publicly is the most effective way to derail their bad behavior.

Sunlight kills mold.

*bolded part is what I'm addressing*

This is what I was accused of in another thread when it isn't actually what happened.  Taking it to IM did not resolve it as I was continually called a liar.  Someone's misunderstanding of how the forum functions is not under my control and not my responsibility to explain.  I did my best in the thread to explain but alas, I'm sure I'm still a liar to them.  I have not nor will I in the future, respond at all to them directly. THAT is the best I can do.

[Arielle Popstar]

36 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

It doesn't derail the behavior though and they just dig their heels in deeper until the thread eventually gets closed or deleted.  The most effective way to derail bad behavior is to ignore it but that never happens.  Besides, there is no reason to call anyone out for bad behavior. It can be seen by all forum members. 

Unless of course it is "deserved".

[Kathlen Onyx]

4 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

 

When people post things like this I'm not sure what point they are trying to make. Call me naive or that things just go over my head but some context would be helpful. Are saying that yes, we do shun people or are you just making a joke? I'm honestly not sure.

[Love Zhaoying]

3 minutes ago, Rowan Amore said:

*bolded part is what I'm addressing*

This is what I was accused of in another thread when it isn't actually what happened.  Taking it to IM did not resolve it as I was continually called a liar.  Someone's misunderstanding of how the forum functions is not under my control and not my responsibility to explain.  I did my best in the thread to explain but alas, I'm sure I'm still a liar to them.  I have not nor will I in the future, respond at all to them directly. THAT is the best I can do.

Assuming your pants didn't burst into flame, you should be fine.

[Persephone Emerald]

Can we agree that "deserved" is a vague and subjective term? 

I'd rather discuss what is or is not considered socially acceptable by the group, what is or is not within the rules, and what is or is not legal. 

[Love Zhaoying]

2 minutes ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

When people post things like this I'm not sure what point they are trying to make. Call me naive or that things just go over my head but some context would be helpful. Are saying that yes, we do shun people or are you just making a joke? I'm honestly not sure.

My guess is, it's ironic: people don't believe in unicorns. Therefore, it would be ironic for unicorns to shun one of their own kind as a "non-believer" (no matter what the specific belief is regarding). 
* takes tinfoil brain-amplifying hat back off *