Shyness & SL - The terrible games your mind can play!

[Jewels Palmira]

Hello everyone,I'm new to the forums and still firguring out SL  :-) I tend to be shy at first, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy chatting, I love it and I'm using SL to help me overcome my shyness.

You know what I'm talking about, when you see an avie standing there by themselves and you have that internal battle...

- I'm going to go say hello!

As you walk over your brain starts talking to you...

~Are you sure you wanna do that... they are probably busy, I betcha he has a girlfriend who’ll kill him if he talks to you, or it’s a girl who has a group of really close female friends and is not about to let you into the group, or it’s a guy who’ll want you to put a collar on so he can ‘own’ you for a bit

-Yea your right, maybe it’s not a good idea….....But maybe they are just busy and they might be a pretty nice person, so I’ll wait to see if they walk around a bit….

So you find a place to sit while trying really hard not to look like a stalker!

~Haha you look really stupid now, just sitting here~

- Fine you know what I'm just going to do it! I can walk up to a stranger and say Hi!

You walk up, pushing your nerves aside.

Click on the chat bar and type.... Hello :-)

.............

..................

.....................

Five minutes later no reply... then they vanish!

Welcome to the story of my SL life! :-)

[Heart Brimmer]

Sometimes people do not pay attention to open chat. First check out their profile and see if they have something that interests you and then IM them. That might help and who knows you might just make a friend or two by trying that. HTH.

Heart

[Kobuk Farshore]

Aww, welcome to the forums, Jewels. :}

To be fair I don't usually respond if all someone says to me is, "Hi..." either -- unless they're putting some effort into talking to me, in other words -- and I often won't appoach others unless there's something incredible or specific that draws me to them. I'm pretty shy as well though. If you create an interesting avatar and fill your profile with things others might want to chat with you about, you can be lazy and let the more outgoing people find you.

 

[Jewels Palmira]

Thank you both! Yes I'm learning that SL has a different way of making conversations work then I'm use to! The IM button always scared me because I thought that was 'to personal' for a stranger. So working on my braveness and trying the IM option haha! And working on my profile! :-D

[Alicia Sautereau]

Some things never change

[Kobuk Farshore]

Mm, I'm glad RL interaction doesn't rely on standing around silently until a complete stranger slips you a private message.

This is why I avoid clubs really though. I hang out at a small, chill place of like-minded people who mostly chat in local together. I guess I prefer coffee shops to clubs in SL and RL both.

[Perrie Juran]

 

One of my all time favorite videos.

I think what you are experiencing is not all that rare.

I even do it on occasion still.........hit the shy moment in my mind.

Sometimes the 'ice breaker' is the hardest moment.

I do dislike when all that pops up in an IM is "Hi." 

So have something to say and be genuine about it.  I have things in my profile that are clues to my personality and my likes and dislikes.  Nothing warmed my heart like the person who IM'd me and said, I just read your favorite poem and that is really awesome.  It doesn't have to always be that involved.  It could be something as simple as, "Hi, I love your shoe laces."  But it helps to have something to say.

 

[Madelaine McMasters]

I love it, Perrie. That's a keeper.

I'm a loner. It hasn't been so much that breaking the ice is difficult for me, but that it took me a long time to see the value of it. Now I jump right in, sometimes like a bull in a china shop. It's exhausting, but worth it.

And now that I know you've got shoe laces, I'll be hard pressed to resist the temptation to tie them together.

;-)

[Echo Hermit]

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Jewels Palmira wrote:

Hello everyone,I'm new to the forums and still firguring out SL  :-) 

I tend to be shy at first, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy chatting, I love it and I'm using SL to help me overcome my shyness.

You know what I'm talking about, when you see an avie standing there by themselves and you have that internal battle...

- I'm going to go say hello!

As you walk over your brain starts talking to you...

~Are you sure you wanna do that... they are probably busy, I betcha he has a girlfriend who’ll kill him if he talks to you, or it’s a girl who has a group of really close female friends and is not about to let you into the group, or it’s a guy who’ll want you to put a collar on so he can ‘own’ you for a bit

-Yea your right, maybe it’s not a good idea….....But maybe they are just busy and they might be a pretty nice person, so I’ll wait to see if they walk around a bit….

So you find a place to sit while trying really hard not to look like a stalker!

~Haha you look really stupid now, just sitting here~

- Fine you know what I'm just going to do it! I can walk up to a stranger and say Hi!

You walk up, pushing your nerves aside.

Click on the chat bar and type.... Hello :-)

.............

..................

.....................

Five minutes later no reply... then they vanish!

Welcome to the story of my SL life! :-)

---

They say in real life that to overcome shyness, or to get over nerves at a job interview, you should try picturing the person you're speaking to in the nude.  It doesn't work quite so well in Second Life though. :matte-motes-agape::matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:

One of the best conversations I had inworld was with one of the AI bots that used to randomly teleport around the grid. He'd stand there with a sign in his hand declaring that he was an AI bot, and just to say "Hello Hal" when you wanted to start a conversation. Never get a second date with AI bots though for some reason. :matte-motes-wink:

[Parhelion Palou]

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

And now that I know you've got shoe laces, I'll be hard pressed to resist the temptation to tie them together.

;-)

---

I'm surprised -- I'd expect you to set them on fire.

 

 

[Perrie Juran]

---

Echo Hermit wrote:

---

Jewels Palmira wrote:

Hello everyone,I'm new to the forums and still firguring out SL  :-) 

I tend to be shy at first, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy chatting, I love it and I'm using SL to help me overcome my shyness.

You know what I'm talking about, when you see an avie standing there by themselves and you have that internal battle...

- I'm going to go say hello!

As you walk over your brain starts talking to you...

~Are you sure you wanna do that... they are probably busy, I betcha he has a girlfriend who’ll kill him if he talks to you, or it’s a girl who has a group of really close female friends and is not about to let you into the group, or it’s a guy who’ll want you to put a collar on so he can ‘own’ you for a bit

-Yea your right, maybe it’s not a good idea….....But maybe they are just busy and they might be a pretty nice person, so I’ll wait to see if they walk around a bit….

So you find a place to sit while trying really hard not to look like a stalker!

~Haha you look really stupid now, just sitting here~

- Fine you know what I'm just going to do it! I can walk up to a stranger and say Hi!

You walk up, pushing your nerves aside.

Click on the chat bar and type.... Hello :-)

.............

..................

.....................

Five minutes later no reply... then they vanish!

Welcome to the story of my SL life! :-)

---

They say in real life that to overcome shyness, or to get over nerves at a job interview, you should try picturing the person you're speaking to in the nude.  It doesn't work quite so well in Second Life though. :matte-motes-agape::matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:

One of the best conversations I had inworld was with one of the AI bots that used to randomly teleport around the grid. He'd stand there with a sign in his hand declaring that he was an AI bot, and just to say "Hello Hal" when you wanted to start a conversation. Never get a second date with AI bots though for some reason. :matte-motes-wink:

---

"They say in real life that to overcome shyness, or to get over nerves at a job interview, you should try picturing the person you're speaking to in the nude.  It doesn't work quite so well in Second Life though. :matte-motes-agape::matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:"

The only problem I have with that is too often you don't have to "try."

Besides, there are more ways to strip an Avatar than just one. 

 

[Perrie Juran]

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

I love it, Perrie. That's a keeper.

I'm a loner. It hasn't been so much that breaking the ice is difficult for me, but that it took me a long time to see the value of it. Now I jump right in, sometimes like a bull in a china shop. It's exhausting, but worth it.

And now that I know you've got shoe laces, I'll be hard pressed to resist the temptation to tie them together.

;-)

---

Velcro was a Martian invention.

 

[Madelaine McMasters]

---

Perrie Juran wrote:

Velcro was a Martian invention.

---

You needn't punish yourself by watching the clip, I simply couldn't resist the band's name and the song's title.

;-)

[Hiroshi Yazimoto]

I have to agree with Kobuk's opinion about clubs. I really don't seem them as a place to meet people... More like a gathering place to listen to music or chill with people you're already going with.

 

Yes, there's chatter going on around you, but a lot of it can be about what's currently going on at the venue. The coffee shop idea actually sounds like a good one.. Never though of trying that before.

[Randall Ahren]

If saw you in-world, I would certaintly IM you just based on your profile. It's irresistible to me, but then I like writers. Perhaps you could channel Jack Kerouac in On the Road:

I was so lonely, so sad, so tired, so quivering, so broken, so beat, that I got up my courage, the courage necessary to approach a stranger, and acted.

[SinfulPrince]

When I was new I thought clubs in sl where like clubs in rl; you go and its a "meeting" place. Having learned its not, its a mass listening and  (unfortunately sometimes ) rampant gesturing place I "accept" it for what it is.

If it'll help, what works when ladies try to get my attention is not "hi" , especially if its in local and I'm someplace public. Odds are I came for a reason and am so focused on what I'm doin I'll never see it. If I do odds are I'll just say "hey" back and go on with whatever is in my head. IM is your friend. Least with someone like me. It makes me realize "oh, you mean me 'specifically' ". Then I need you to add "why" or some indicator of what led ya to msg so I know where we're headed/what the point is and yeah, to get me out of my own thoughts again. It can be as simple as telling me where you saw me/know me from but give me some idea what prompted the contact. And if you REALLY want to be efficient SAY that its not a flirt if its not. I do have strictly platonic contacts But I don't want to have to guess at what the intro is all about.

[161488303349]

i always say hi back to anyone who says hi to me in open chat, or hi all or hi everyone

if i get a hi in my IM and thats all then i say hi back. if they then say "wanna ..." i say back hi and whatever they say after that then hi  hi  hi hi

jejejeje

+

if they a newbie then i will say hi [whatsyourname] do you need help?

sometimes they say na! is ok. but most times they say yes please and then i help fix them up

+

i think you maybe been caught by the not newbie thingy. is actual quite rare to see not newbies chatting in open chat in public places to complete strangers

is why quite a lot of peoples SL friends start the same time as them. newbies just chat pretty much to anyone, mostly each other when they start. and click friend everyone. other newbies just click accept

grumply oldbies hardly ever accept newbie friends request. tell them off sometimes like somehow is a mortal sin

+

if you wants to make friends easy then go where is newbies. can easy end up with heaps of friends requests in a week easy. some of them will stay in SL and can help them and they become good friends

when you got friends that you hang out with in public then other not newbies wants to know you then. specially if you chat your friends in public. and say hi to random strangers new and old at the same time

people are more joiner ins than start me ups i find

 

 

 

 

[Tamara Artis]

If you see me standing somewhere all alone I am either afk,  looking at something on web or simply deep in IM's, and won't see your Hello in local. If you say Hello in my IM I will reply as soon as I see it, with my own Hello. If you can't type more than hello I am fine with it, and you'll get nothing more from me. 

If you say Hello and make a comment about anything I will answer. Same as every other normal human being. If someone behaves rude and ignores you, it means they are bad, not you!

Tell your brain that it is ok to IM a person who is busy, how do you know they are busy if you don't check? Maybe its a person shy as you, thinking is it ok to say a simple hello... If a person didn't tell you not to send any IM's, or if it doesnt have a huge flashing sign over the head that says "Don't IM me!" you can't know. 

And if his girlfriend kills him for talking with you then he should be more carefull and not go out of his sl home lol

You need to realize that it is ok to be wrong, to annoy people, to make mistakes, be silly, stupid, boring etc. if you don't do it on purpose just to make someone's day bad.

What you should do is make an alt with only one goal, to break all the rules you have set in your head, to do all things your brain tells you not to do! That alt would be only for experimenting purposes, for you to see what if...? And do all things you would normally find really embarrassing, noone will know it is you

[Jewels Palmira]

Thank you everyone for all your comments, and for your pointers! I will be giving those a go. I never thought about only new comers using the local chat. My avatar brithday really confuses people, because in a sense I am very new to SL. I downloaded and tried to play back in 2009, but my graphics card wouldn't load the game well. I left game for almost two years and just came on not to long ago. I really like the idea of just letting all the 'normal' rules of socializing go, it's a bit daunting to think of doing but I know it would help me immensely. I get so worried that I'm bothering someone that I end up not talking at all. So I will brave the rejection (haha) and give all your advise a try. Thank all for taking time out of your day to reply. :-D Have a wonderful Tuesday! 

[Jewels Palmira]

I'm a coffee shop person in RL too, I don't frequent the club sense. If our social lives depending on the IM button I fear we'd all be lonely. :-) Haha

[Jewels Palmira]

That video is so true, I've sadly done that before.... We do hold in so many of our feelings due to being nervous or embarrassed by what the other would think, and the funny thing is, is half the time the other person is probably thinking the same thing. Thank you for your reply!

[Jewels Palmira]

Haha, no it doesn't, you would hope it would due to that fact that finding naked avies is not all that hard to do! If only that was the key to striking up a convo in SL. I will heed your warning about Al bots though, Thank you! You definitely saved me from the 'second' date. :-D

[Jewels Palmira]

Yes, I hadn't thought about looking for a coffee shop in world. It's definitely a great idea! I will trying it for sure.

[Pussycat Catnap]

I'm more shy in SL now than I used to be. Some bad experiences in third party forums kind of left their mark on me. Oddly, almost all with people who were -already- perm-banned from SL... but also sadly mixed with a small set of people at what was my then regular inworld hangout... I should know better... but it still leaves me pausing more than I used to.

 

When people IM me, if they just say "hello" (or another one word variant), I'm left wondering what's up and how I should reply - so I usually just toss a one worder back. I know its hard to start that conversation, I find it hard myself - but its nice when the message begins with a little context.

And its horrid when you say something, nobody says anything in reply, and then the person you'd been trying to engage 'poofs'. I've been the poofer before, so I know people have their reasons... but its frustrating as heck and usually I try to say something back if somebody says something when I'm there - that seems to be aimed at me.

 

Nothing is worse than landing in a place full of avatars, and... nothing being said in local.

- Well, gesturbation in local is worse, but that's it.

 

Lots of "excuses" keep me from being as social as I would like:

Quite often I wonder what to say to folks I stumble across.

The people with the frown-face AVs, I assume have a frowning personality and won't be nice, so I steer clear. This probably isn't true, but its hard to avoid.

When I go to a very busy place, and a host-type greets me, I feel like I'm in a crowd of bots, and... I clam up more than if they had not greeted me. Worse if there is gesturbation going on. All those funny characters and 'I heart this DJ' scripted chat.

I think gesturbators do it to try and be social, but it intimidates away actual conversation.

I can also be a bit adverse to talking to people on the tall super skinny AVs - after one too many forum-run-ins with the type. Even though I have friends on that look, I make a likely wrong assumption that they're hostile to me.

Drives me nuts because I go into SL seeking conversation, then end up screening myself right out of it.

 

[Pussycat Catnap]

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Hiroshi Yazimoto wrote:

 

Yes, there's chatter going on around you, but a lot of it can be about what's currently going on at the venue.

The coffee shop idea actually sounds like a good one..

Never though of trying that before.

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I was never able to find one that wasn't empty...