Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 1 minute ago, Marianne Little said: Back in the old, old days and old forum, it was a guy with a long name starting with "P". I wonder if it was "Pserendipity" or something. I wrote a post that was a bit of rambling, with a very long sentence. He ripped it up in small pieces and wrote a scatching reply that was so nasty that I was first cold, than hot, when I was reading it. This was his signature work, making people angry and reply. With his acerbic pen, and very good grip on the English language, I would be no match for him. I was fuming and trying to write a reply, deleting it before posting, and ignored him and continued the discussion. That was smart of me. But it was very hard. Every time one say "Be kind" the line is moved closer and closer to "If you cannot be positive, at least be quiet". It is the recipient that decide what is kind or not. People get more and more thin skinned, because they are never exposed to snark, sarcasm, bitingly critical comments and options they did not ask for. Young people belive that they should go through life without experiencing negativity. We are already a society where people is afraid to voice different opinions, because they have been told they must be positive. Great points! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midnoot Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 2 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said: I 5. Someone criticizes your contributions to a Second Life community, Forums, etc. Another way of looking at it is: This person may be trying to "get you to talk less". They may be insecure. They may justify their criticism with "we are blunt in my country". They may merely not "like you". One main point is: It is not your problem! They are most likely either "venting" (for whatever reason), or trying to get a response from you. One basic thought is: You don't have to respond or reply! How you could answer kindly: Really, you don't have to respond at all. If you think anything they said is "valid", you could try something like, "I appreciate your feedback, and will try to do better." If their criticism seems more arbitrary, spiteful, etc. you could try something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." What if they want to keep discussing it: It is best to ignore repeated attempts to draw you out through criticism. If by "contributions", you mean hyperactively posting at 10x the rate of an average person on every single thread, speaking so loudly that it's hard for the unfortunate participants of the conversation to even hear their own thoughts, or saturating the chat log with spam, then yeah... Sure. I'll call that a "contribution".. It'd be nice if if this oh-so-ironic advice was heeded. ( You don't have to respond). That part. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Bliss Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 @Love Zhaoying We are all travelers on the path of life, Love, and so should be kind to one another.... Are you going to make fun of my use of the word 'traveler' again and goad others into doing so as well, as you did only yesterday? I'm sorry, but you need to follow your own advice (an apology would be accepted) before beginning a thread like this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 (edited) Another non-Forum example - this one is regarding Example #1 in the OP. As a Neko - "per human, part Furry" - I generally accept that "most people get it", but "not everyone". (Often times of course, I am a "feral" or "anthro", not just a Neko.) One time, at a Furry club, a furry (anthro as I recall) asked, "Where's your fur"? After some back-and forth, I came to understand that in their opinion, if I did not have "body fur" / "body hair", then "I did not have fur" and something was wrong with that. Rather than ignore them, I took their "questionable yet possibly well-intentioned" advice and purchased some "body hair accessory" and wore it a couple times (initially just to see what it was about). It was like wearing pubic hair all over your body. Eeccccch!!! So: Could I have handled it different? Yes, but at least I think I was kind. I could have gently pushed back and said something like, "Thanks for the feedback, I like my avatar the way it is." Did I get all bent out of shape? Not truly, it was more.."funny" and weird. What would I try to do next time? Be more assertive without being rude (even if I thought THEY were being rude). Edited May 2 by Love Zhaoying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 15 minutes ago, Midnoot said: If by "contributions", you mean hyperactively posting at 10x the rate of an average person on every single thread, speaking so loudly that it's hard for the unfortunate participants of the conversation to even hear their own thoughts, or saturating the chat log with spam, then yeah... Sure. I'll call that a "contribution".. It'd be nice if if this oh-so-ironic advice was heeded. ( You don't have to respond). That part. Thanks for the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 14 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: Are you going to make fun of my use of the word 'traveler' again and goad others into doing so as well, as you did only yesterday? No, that was a "joke" since "AA" and "Traveler" could mean "AAA" = American Automobile Society. In context, you and I have disagreed over "addiction" in the past, which I had in that post thought you brought up. 15 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: I'm sorry, but you need to follow your own advice (an apology would be accepted) before beginning a thread like this. Thanks for your feedback! I like the idea that you are suggesting I apologize. That fits in with the general idea I expressed in my OP that I would point out where I could do better! Since "teasing" you - making a joke - about your use of the word "traveler" was not actually "making fun of you", I do not feel like an apology is warranted. I do apologize in general, for other instances where I was unkind to you in response to your constantly bringing up psychology when it is off-topic. I will try to respond more kindly next time. I am sure you cannot help when you are compelled to discuss psychology no matter what the topic, and by no means do I think that I can, or should, try to control what you choose to speak about. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Istelathis Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 (edited) I really do think it is all kind of pointless, in the grand scheme of things. Most people's opinions on matters are constantly changing, their perspective focuses from different vantage points and as a result what they firmly held to be a fundamental truth previously now is tossed in the waste bin. We see this with politics all of the time, we see it in religion, ideologies, etc, etc. So it isn't important for me to try to force their views to change, hell, my views might change in that time as well. It is all just a huge waste of time, and in the end So, I have let go of any sacred truths, and have embraced the anarchy of life. There is no winning or losing, I just would rather not feel the burden of hurting other people. Life is hard enough, I don't want to responsible for their pain, or the pain they may inflict upon others as a result of my contribution to it. Edited May 2 by Istelathis 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Bliss Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said: Thanks for your feedback! I like the idea that you are suggesting I apologize. That fits in with the general idea I expressed in my OP that I would point out where I could do better! Since "teasing" you - making a joke - about your use of the word "traveler" was not actually "making fun of you", I do not feel like an apology is warranted. I do apologize in general, for other instances where I was unkind to you in response to your constantly bringing up psychology when it is off-topic. I will try to respond more kindly next time. I am sure you cannot help when you are compelled to discuss psychology no matter what the topic, and by no means do I think that I can, or should, try to control what you choose to speak about. Thanks, and while we're at it...please stop commenting every time I make an event listing, saying things like "cool" and "great". Since these come during the time you're being critical of me and making fun of me repeatedly they come off as insincere to say the least. And you don't comment at all on other people's event listings. Edited May 2 by Luna Bliss 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arielle Popstar Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 The first and foremost kindness is to acknowledge another person/avatar, especially when spoken to. Blocking people automatically forfeits that ability and makes any other acts of kindness moot. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Istelathis said: I really do think it is all kind of pointless, in the grand scheme of things. Most people's opinions on matters are constantly changing, their perspective focuses and as a result what they firmly held to be a fundamental truth previously now is tossed in the waste bin. We see this with politics all of the time, we see it in religion, ideologies, etc, etc. So it isn't important for me to try to force their views to change, hell, my views might change in that time as well. It is all just a huge waste of time, and in the end So, I have let go of any sacred truths, and have embraced the anarchy of life. There is no winning or losing, I just would rather not feel the burden of hurting other people. Life is hard enough, I don't want to responsible for their pain, or the pain they may inflict upon others as a result of my contribution to it. Tangentially, I think you addressed a little of what I was trying to say. (Otherwise, I'm not sure TBH!) Possibly for example, the "truths" aspect - I can't help what someone thinks of me. I can't help what I think of someone else (in the moment). I can try to "be a good person".. But we are all changing, evolving, etc. as you say: My point in creating this thread. Would I have attempted to create this thread a year ago? No. It's ME who changed, and not by repeated exposure to "mean people". I just changed to where I would prefer to be understood, which I can't always control. Edited May 2 by Love Zhaoying 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bree Giffen Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 I'm getting a lot of "Lord of the Flies" vibes right now. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 Just now, Bree Giffen said: I'm getting a lot of "Lord of the Flies" vibes right now. Which part? The part where the boys are left alone on an island and devolve into barbarism, ultimately resulting in the death of one of their friends? (I'm not being facetious, I'm just curious and that was a real guess since it's my takeaway as the main point of the story.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arielle Popstar Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 9 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: Thanks, and while we're at it...please stop commenting every time I make an event listing, saying things like "cool" and "great". Since these come during the time you're being critical of me and making fun of me repeatedly they come off as insincere to say the least. And you don't comment at all on other people's event listings. It is so confusing when someone's responses to a post and their posted words, don't align. Also when a poster continues to do what you asked them not to, is that not the hallmarks of a narcissist? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BilliJo Aldrin Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 2 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said: 2. Someone asks personal RL questions that you would rather not answer. This person may not understand (or respect) personal boundaries. Everyone's Second Life is different; some people mix SL and RL, and some people do not. Some people feel they are like an "open book" and expect others to be the same way. Another way of looking at it is: This person may innocently be curious, be open to discussing RL things, and not understand that not everyone approaches mixing RL/SL the same. Evidently, they "trust you" enough to ask, and presumably they may also be sharing their own personal RL information at the same time. One basic approach is: You could change the subject. How you could answer kindly: "I appreciate your curiosity and willingness to share, but sorry - I like to keep my Second Life and RL separate." What if they want to keep discussing it: Most people will hopefully respect your wishes if you respond with something like, "Sorry, I am not comfortable talking about my RL/personal things." If they persist, you can ignore further questions or (as above) change the subject. You left my personal favorite when people want to pry into your RL. Lie 😂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Bliss Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said: 19 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: Thanks, and while we're at it...please stop commenting every time I make an event listing, saying things like "cool" and "great". Since these come during the time you're being critical of me and making fun of me repeatedly they come off as insincere to say the least. And you don't comment at all on other people's event listings. It is so confusing when someone's responses to a post and their posted words, don't align. Also when a poster continues to do what you asked them not to, is that not the hallmarks of a narcissist? I don't know, but goading someone until they strike back with a defensive comment and then get reported by the forum cartel with a subsequent moderator warning, and when returning from their 'time-out' the instigator saying, sarcastically, "where ya been"???......is not indicative of a kind person. Quite sadistic really. Edited May 2 by Luna Bliss 3 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garnet Psaltery Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 (edited) 1 hour ago, Love Zhaoying said: My intention is not at all to tell anyone "how to behave". Sorry, perhaps I didn't word my comment clearly enough. I didn't mean to imply that you were doing so. I meant to anticipate the 'someone else' arriving. Edited May 2 by Garnet Psaltery 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 Continuing the trend of Second Life examples (NOT "Forum" examples), here is an example that happened to me, from the OP "4. Someone makes a challenging / provocative statement involving RL politics, social groups, gender, stereotypes, race, ethnicity, age, etc.": I had a friend in Second Life who was gay / femme, from a Slavic country. They knew I was gay in the US. They had a sense of humor which they explained away as "this is how we are in my country". He would say things like, "Oh, stay away you will give me AIDS". Did I respond unkindly? Don't remember. Could I have responded differently? Yes, I could have gently responded that "it may be funny in his country, but probably not a good idea to use those jokes with Americans". How could I have done that "differently"? Um, by trying to remember that hopefully, he was being "honest" / "sincere" that to him, those types of jokes are OK. Was I truly "upset"/"hurt" by his jokes? Not necessarily, but they stayed with me until this day. And, I stopped being friends with him because of that. So what is the real lesson for ME, that I would learn from? Possibly try to be less sensitive, and if I NEED to reply, then try to be kind. But probably, "not replying at all" would have been a better option then trying to discuss it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arielle Popstar Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 1 minute ago, Luna Bliss said: I don't know, but goading someone until they strike back with a defensive comment and then get reported by the forum cartel with a subsequent moderator warning, and then when they return from their time-out saying, sarcastically, "where ya been"???......is not indicative of a kind person. Quite sadistic really. Yes that would be though I haven't experienced that myself. Fortunately for me the OP usually has me blocked, perhaps not to have to answer uncomfortable questions I sometimes posit? That is always an out for one if they can't handle the truth about themself. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 5 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said: Yes that would be though I haven't experienced that myself. Fortunately for me the OP usually has me blocked, perhaps not to have to answer uncomfortable questions I sometimes posit? That is always an out for one if they can't handle the truth about themself. Thanks for the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 10 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: I don't know, but goading someone until they strike back with a defensive comment and then get reported by the forum cartel with a subsequent moderator warning, and when returning from their 'time-out' the instigator saying, sarcastically, "where ya been"???......is not indicative of a kind person. Quite sadistic really. Oh, my! If I did that, I apologize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Bliss Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 1 minute ago, Love Zhaoying said: Oh, my! If I did that, I apologize. You've done much more, but I think I'm done with this ludicrous thread. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arielle Popstar Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 1 minute ago, Love Zhaoying said: Thanks for the feedback! My pleasure. Now you have it, what do you intend to so about it? Ignore and continue. Look within and see how relevant it is? Search out how to stop that unkind behaviour? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet Voxel Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 Eating my sandwich, reading this thread like: 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 14 minutes ago, BilliJo Aldrin said: You left my personal favorite when people want to pry into your RL. Lie 😂 Oh! I almost misunderstood your reply. That IS definitely a good valid approach in Second Life! I think one of my issues with "lying" is eventually getting caught being inconsistent, forgetting what you lied about, etc. I suppose if one lies "creatively", then people will get (hopefully) that you are making stuff up! Thanks for your response! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love Zhaoying Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 4 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said: You've done much more, but I think I'm done with this ludicrous thread. Thanks for participating! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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