Did I break a taboo regarding private chat?

[MelodyHighnote]

I am generally not comfortable with private chats with people who are in "ear" shot.

My experience with those kinds of messages and chats in any virtual world is that such chats are usually for flirting, and I do not come online for love.

Additionally in real life any flirty lines you would not say in earshot of everyone would probably be considered grade A pervert material in mixed company so I dislike when a person opens a private chat just to flirt with me. Heck half the time the stuff I was privately messaged over the course of my virtual world experience WAS perverted. :/

I usually only use private chat to communicate with people who are too far away. If it is something I cannot say openly in that space I wait until I am somewhere else.

I tried putting a tag on my avatar explaining my stance on being flirted with or privately chatted with over unimportant things and it ticked someone off to the point that I was muted without being given a chance to explain myself or apologze. :/

[Profaitchikenz Haiku]

A lot of roleplayers add something about IMs to their profile or in their picks because of the convention that local chat must be used for emotes and utterences, allowing everybody else the chance to participate and observe, while IMs are for  non-storyline communications.

I haven't seen anybody add it to their tag or title, though, but it sounds like you just nrushed past a prickly individual.

How do you know you were muted?

[Madeline Blackbart]

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

I am generally not comfortable with private chats with people who are in "ear" shot.

My experience with those kinds of messages and chats in any virtual world is that such chats are usually for flirting, and I do not come online for love.

Additionally in real life any flirty lines you would not say in earshot of everyone would probably be considered grade A pervert material in mixed company so I dislike when a person opens a private chat just to flirt with me. Heck half the time the stuff I was privately messaged over the course of my virtual world experience WAS perverted.

I usually only use private chat to communicate with people who are too far away. If it is something I cannot say openly in that space I wait until I am somewhere else.

 

I tried putting a tag on my avatar explaining my stance on being flirted with or privately chatted with over unimportant things and it ticked someone off to the point that I was muted without being given a chance to explain myself or apologze.

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As long as you hadn't put it rudly in your profile (which is blank now?) then you have no reason to worry. It's your right not to want to be flirted with in private chat. You don't need to apoligize to someone because something makes you uncomfortable. If they can'tunderstand then just ignore them and move on.

[MelodyHighnote]

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Madeline Blackbart wrote:

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

I am generally not comfortable with private chats with people who are in "ear" shot.

My experience with those kinds of messages and chats in any virtual world is that such chats are usually for flirting, and I do not come online for love.

Additionally in real life any flirty lines you would not say in earshot of everyone would probably be considered grade A pervert material in mixed company so I dislike when a person opens a private chat just to flirt with me. Heck half the time the stuff I was privately messaged over the course of my virtual world experience WAS perverted.

I usually only use private chat to communicate with people who are too far away. If it is something I cannot say openly in that space I wait until I am somewhere else.

 

I tried putting a tag on my avatar explaining my stance on being flirted with or privately chatted with over unimportant things and it ticked someone off to the point that I was muted without being given a chance to explain myself or apologze.

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As long as you hadn't put it rudly in your profile (which is blank now?) then you have no reason to worry. It's your right not to want to be flirted with in private chat. You don't need to apoligize to someone because something makes you uncomfortable. If they can'tunderstand then just ignore them and move on.

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It was a hovering text script attached directly to my hair  on my in-universe avatar. I don't really roleplay aside from giving my avatar mannerisms and a clothing style.

 

My profile? I don't know what to put on it.

[MelodyHighnote]

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Profaitchikenz Haiku wrote:

A lot of roleplayers add something about IMs to their profile or in their picks because of the convention that local chat must be used for emotes and utterences, allowing everybody else the chance to participate and observe, while IMs are for  non-storyline communications.

I haven't seen anybody add it to their tag or title, though, but it sounds like you just nrushed past a prickly individual.

How do you know you were muted?

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Ah, I don't really roleplay beyond putting a personality to my avatar's mannerisms.

I was at a social spot and someone was like "Well if you are going to say THAT you're a jerk and I'm going to mute you" upon seeing the text hovering above my avatar's head stating that I do not want to be privately chatted with by someone in earshot range if it is not important.

Idk, I'm kind of scarred by perverts in every virtual world who use private chats to avoid publicly ostracizing themselves. On Playstation Home and Gaia Online I wouyld reply to them using the public channels even just to deny them a private conversation.

[Tari Landar]

Just as others ought to respect, even if they don't understand or agree, that you don't want private ims, you have to understand that others don't share your views. Not everyone sees an im as something necessarily private, let alone perverted. Sometimes it's just the easiest way to have a direct conversation with someone.

Even if you put a hovertext script over your head, there is no guarantee others will see it. If you really do not want private ims, I would put it in your profile. People are more likely to see that. Not everyone will read it. Some will still im you, but probably not as many otherwise.

If I imd you, couldn't see the text above your head  and your profile says nothing about ims, I'm not sure it's reasonable to assume I know you don't want them. You have to tell people and I don't think a hovertext is a wise way to do that. Not that you've done something wrong or anything. You just have an opinion others might not share.

As for being muted, it may have something to do with what you told the person when they imd you, or what you had in text over your head. Sometimes our approach seems fine to us but to others not so much.

[MelodyHighnote]

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Tari Landar wrote:

Just as others ought to respect, even if they don't understand or agree, that you don't want private ims, you have to understand that others don't share your views. Not everyone sees an im as something necessarily private, let alone perverted. Sometimes it's just the easiest way to have a direct conversation with someone.

Even if you put a hovertext script over your head, there is no guarantee others will see it. If you really do not want private ims, I would put it in your profile. People are more likely to see that. Not everyone will read it. Some will still im you, but probably not as many otherwise.

If I imd you, couldn't see the text above your head  and your profile says nothing about ims, I'm not sure it's reasonable to assume I know you don't want them. You have to tell people and I don't think a hovertext is a wise way to do that. Not that you've done something wrong or anything. You just have an opinion others might not share.

As for being muted, it may have something to do with what you told the person when they imd you, or what you had in text over your head. Sometimes our approach seems fine to us but to others not so much.

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The person did not IM me anything. All I did was publicly and welcomingly say "hi"  as a reply to a public greeting and the person replied by saying she ("?" since most females on here including myself are actually male) didn't want to talk to someone with that stance upon seeing my hovertext. o_O

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[Malanya]

Tari's explanation was perfect. We all don' share the same point of views. Local chat is not private and I believe if you mute the person who is making you uncomfortable it would block you from seeing their chat in local also, I could be wrong. If someone flirts with you in local, send them an message that you prefer an IM. Sometimes those titlers don't easily show which avatar they belong to, I have seen them float high and I could not figure out who was wearing it. Just keep in mind that some may disagree with your point of view, there is no right or wrong either way. I think many people like to openly flirt so I would let them know in an IM and if someone gets mad at what you prefer, then keep moving until you find someone that shares your feelings about it

[MelodyHighnote]

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Malanya wrote:

Tari's explanation was perfect. We all don' share the same point of views. Local chat is not private and I believe if you mute the person who is making you uncomfortable it would block you from seeing their chat in local also, I could be wrong. If someone flirts with you in local, send them an message that you prefer an IM. Sometimes those titlers don't easily show which avatar they belong to, I have seen them float high and I could not figure out who was wearing it. Just keep in mind that some may disagree with your point of view, there is no right or wrong either way. I think many people like to openly flirt so I would let them know in an IM and if someone gets mad at what you prefer, then keep moving until you find someone that shares your feelings about it

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Ah ok.

 

I just take it hard whan a nice seeming person just chooses to completely shut me out over something rather than talk it out.

I hate making enemies and try to be friendly with as many people as I can.

 

[Malanya]

I understand that's why keep moving is the best thing IMO. Your view isn't wrong, it's up to you what you feel comfortable with. People can be hurtful especially where they are not facing the person and can be anonymous. Don't look at it as making enemies, just look at it as knowing from the start it's not someone you want to be friends with. Have fun!

[MelodyHighnote]

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Malanya wrote:

I understand that's why keep moving is the best thing IMO. Your view isn't wrong, it's up to you what you feel comfortable with. People can be hurtful especially where they are not facing the person and can be anonymous. Don't look at it as making enemies, just look at it as knowing from the start it's not someone you want to be friends with. Have fun!

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[Melita Magic]

It is not taboo to set a personal boundary you feel comfortable with.

If you make someone aware of your personal boundary and they ignore it, feel free to mute and ignore them in return.

[Amethyst Jetaime]

It is your right not to answer an IM and also your right to request that people don't IM you for flirting, or when in the same place where you are, or for unimportant things (whatever that means).  But I think you are limiting yourself too much and will miss out on a lot of good conversations.  If I saw you that you want no IM's for all these reasons, I probably would not have any interaction with you.  Not because I have anything against you or want to flirt either.

I personally prefer IM's for conversation and don't pay much attention to room chat.  It is easier to have a real conversation with someone or a group of people without all the other room chat gestures and spam that is not relevant being mixed in.  The only place or time I would use open chat for any length of time would be when and where only the people I am socializing or doing business with were around.  Pretty much all my friends are the same.

While it is your right to do so, by saying no IM's for all the reasons you state, people may not initiate any conversations with you at all and if you try to initiate them they may not see it or may not wish to continue it long in open chat.  Some people may even find it a bit anti social or rude.

[MelodyHighnote]

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Amethyst Jetaime wrote:

It is your right not to answer an IM and also your right to request that people don't IM you for flirting, or when in the same place where you are, or for unimportant things (whatever that means).  But I think you are limiting yourself too much and will miss out on a lot of good conversations.  If I saw you that you want no IM's for all these reasons, I probably would not have any interaction with you.  Not because I have anything against you or want to flirt either.

I personally prefer IM's for conversation and don't pay much attention to room chat.  It is easier to have a real conversation with someone or a group of people without all the other room chat gestures and spam that is not relevant being mixed in.  The only place or time I would use open chat for any length of time would be when and where only the people I am socializing or doing business with were around.  Pretty much all my friends are the same.

While it is your right to do so, by saying no IM's for all the reasons you state, people may not initiate any conversations with you at all and if you try to initiate them they may not see it or may not wish to continue it long in open chat.  Some people may even find it a bit anti social or rude.

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Good point.

 

[Melita Magic]

I don't agree. If a stranger IMs, it's usually a pick up attempt. I don't think a friendly person wanting to ask an innocent question via IM would be threatened by a request in a profile that people not IM her to flirt.

Once she's gotten more used to SL and gotten into some group chats or smoething where it's more common for someone to IM you from the group chat, and things like that, she will probably feel more at ease with unsolicited IMs, and feel more ready to shut down any unwanted ones. Usually people put up barriers like that when they are new to a place.

If someone can't respect her boundary and talk to her in local chat, or if a stranger needs to talk about something that can't be talked about in local chat, those are both red flags in my opinion. But then I don't have a big need to chat with strangers where inappropriate.

[Paula001 Goldschein]

you have the right to be not comfortable with private chat, you don't have to explain yourself or apologize to anyone.

live your sl the way you want to, everyone else does so too!

don't worry about incidents like this, the person probably just had a bad day or is easily irritated in general, not your problem!

enjoy sl

[MelodyHighnote]

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Melita Magic wrote:

I don't agree. If a stranger IMs, it's usually a pick up attempt. I don't think a friendly person wanting to ask an innocent question via IM would be threatened by a request in a profile that people not IM her to flirt.

Once she's gotten more used to SL and gotten into some group chats or smoething where it's more common for someone to IM you from the group chat, and things like that, she will probably feel more at ease with unsolicited IMs, and feel more ready to shut down any unwanted ones. Usually people put up barriers like that when they are new to a place.

If someone can't respect her boundary and talk to her in local chat, or if a stranger needs to talk about something that can't be talked about in local chat, those are both red flags in my opinion. But then I don't have a big need to chat with strangers where inappropriate.

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Ah, well I have group chats and I will occasionally IM friends over some stuff. I've mostly found my niche spots though and am not a social butterfly who can easily have one on one conversations with every single person around,..

 

[Amethyst Jetaime]

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Melita Magic wrote:

I don't agree. If a stranger IMs, it's usually a pick up attempt. I don't think a friendly person wanting to ask an innocent question via IM would be threatened by a request in a profile that people not IM her to flirt.

Once she's gotten more used to SL and gotten into some group chats or smoething where it's more common for someone to IM you from the group chat, and things like that, she will probably feel more at ease with unsolicited IMs, and feel more ready to shut down any unwanted ones. Usually people put up barriers like that when they are new to a place.

If someone can't respect her boundary and talk to her in local chat, or if a stranger needs to talk about something that can't be talked about in local chat, those are both red flags in my opinion. But then I don't have a big need to chat with strangers where inappropriate.

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I don't agree with your contention that a stranger who IM's is usually an attempt for a pick up.  That has not been my experience at all. even when I was a newb.   In fact some of my most satisfyinig friendships started out with an IM from a stranger that were not even close to the naughty box variety.  Of course some were and still are, but they are easy to deal with as i explained how.

In her original post before she edited it she said she didn't want IM's from anyone that was present where open chat could be used and that she wanted to only use IM's for long distance communication.  I was just trying to point out the other side of the coin in that she may miss meeting some interesting people as a result of her policy by explaining how people use IM's here and that IM's in Second Life are not always of the naughty box variety. 

Of course I agree that it is her right to limit them in any way she is comfortable. But making an informed choice is always a better choice. 

[Syo Emerald]

I have to say I often prefer to talk in IM than to use open chat. Its easier to have a conversation, because open chat can be quite busy and filled with nonesense. Imagine a full club and getting the attention from one person there is nearly impossible. I have to admit I often don't follow open chat at all.

Sure, some IMs contain flirting, but not every IM is about flirting. And for some topics IMs are necessary....

[Melita Magic]

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

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Melita Magic wrote:

I don't agree. If a stranger IMs, it's usually a pick up attempt. I don't think a friendly person wanting to ask an innocent question via IM would be threatened by a request in a profile that people not IM her to flirt.

Once she's gotten more used to SL and gotten into some group chats or smoething where it's more common for someone to IM you from the group chat, and things like that, she will probably feel more at ease with unsolicited IMs, and feel more ready to shut down any unwanted ones. Usually people put up barriers like that when they are new to a place.

If someone can't respect her boundary and talk to her in local chat, or if a stranger needs to talk about something that can't be talked about in local chat, those are both red flags in my opinion. But then I don't have a big need to chat with strangers where inappropriate.

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Ah, well I have group chats and I will occasionally IM friends over some stuff. I've mostly found my niche spots though and

am not a social butterfly who can easily have one on one conversations with every single person around

,..

 

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(bold added by me)

And that is exactly what I got from your original post and why I disagreed with Amethyst. 

If an "interesting person" can't adapt themselves to what makes you comfortable, they're not worth knowing. They're not all that interesting, in my book if they are not also compassionate and perceptive and humble enough to adapt to other people.

[Theresa Tennyson]

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

 

I tried putting a tag on my avatar explaining my stance on being flirted with or privately chatted with over unimportant things and it ticked someone off to the point that I was muted without being given a chance to explain myself or apologze.

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Okay, look at it this way - rather than handling the IM situation privately or, even simpler, going into "Preferences" and selecting "Only friends can IM me," you basically put a billboard over your head and created visual pollution for all thoose around you, including everyone who wouldn't think of intruding on your privacy.

[Perrie Juran]

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

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It was a hovering text script attached directly to my hair  on my in-universe avatar. I don't really roleplay aside from giving my avatar mannerisms and a clothing style.

 

My profile? I don't know what to put on it.

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Honestly, it almost wouldn't matter what it said, as a general rule many people find hovering text over Ava's very annoying.  Get a couple of people in a club with text over their heads and bouncing around your screen and it looks like poop.  I'm not trying to be mean here, just honest.

Best you could do is add a note to your profile, "I'm not here to Flirt or be Picked up.  Please respect that."  It may not completely solve the problem for you but it will go a long way toward reducing it.  Many of us do look at Profiles before IMing someone.

[HoppytheWanderer]

There's a lot of reasons to use IM even for strangers, for example if I see something kinda neat about their AV I might IM them and compliment or ask them more about it and no, I'm not flirting: It's a genuine compliment. IMs are better for this kinda thing since a public message might be awkward since it is drawing possibly unwanted attention to them.

That being said, it sounds like you just need to use the option in preferences: Only friends are allowed to IM me. This should resolve the problem since your friends should know enough about you to know your boundaries.

 

[Melita Magic]

I agree with some part of what everyone has said but bottom line, this particular person is more of an introvert, and does not wish to be bothered. 

They sound somewhat like me in that when I am in a mood to chat or listen to chat, I let the grouup chats run. At that point if someone IMs me from there tha'ts fine. I have also gotten used to some unsolicited IMs over the years I've been in SL.

But if this person is still in the stage where they are often in crowded places (when I'm in SL I spend as much time on my own land as I need to - and rarely venture out for brief shopping trips or to see a new place, and sometimes with friend or friends) they may wish to have more of a privacy bubble around them when they are there.

Who wants to talk in a crowded club for instance? I didn't go there to talk or be picked up when I went...I went to hear music, 'dance' and see dancing. I quit going because it got old to have to mute everyone with their wolf howls and Woooot.

To each their own isn't that what SL is about?

OP you can put a note in your profile but most creepers will ignore it or not read it anyway. So just mute them. You have no obligation to reply.

[Knutz Scorpio]

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Perrie Juran wrote:

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MelodyHighnote wrote:

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It was a hovering text script attached directly to my hair  on my in-universe avatar. I don't really roleplay aside from giving my avatar mannerisms and a clothing style.

 

My profile? I don't know what to put on it.

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Honestly, it almost wouldn't matter what it said, as a general rule many people find hovering text over Ava's very annoying.  Get a couple of people in a club with text over their heads and bouncing around your screen and it looks like poop.  I'm not trying to be mean here, just honest.

Best you could do is add a note to your profile, "I'm not here to Flirt or be Picked up.  Please respect that."  It may not completely solve the problem for you but it will go a long way toward reducing it.  Many of us do look at Profiles before IMing someone.

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I very much agree here.  I try using my viewers settings to get rid of the clutter and leave just the names over the avatars I see and it's a bit annoying when someone uses a hover text script to circumvent that.