**WARNING** Do not read this post! (unless you suffer from schadenfreude)

[Dresden Ceriano]

I've always thought that establishing a memorial in SL for an RL person was rather creepy, but I just found out that a very dear RL friend of mine has passed away and for some reason the thought of establishing one for him crossed my mind.  I'm not at all comfortable with the thought of doing so, simply because I know that it would be for very selfish reasons... mainly so that I will have a place to visit.  He's being cremated, so I know there won't be a place to visit in RL and, for some strange reason, that bothers me.

Maybe I won't feel the same after his wake, where I'll have a chance to say my goodbyes.  But I'm not convinced that this one chance will be satisfactory to me.

Does this sound like it's creepy and selfish?  Do you think I should do it regardless of whether or not it is, if it makes me feel better?  Should I worry about someone coming along and spray painting a Hitler mustache on his picture?

Really, I'm asking should I do it?  Would you do it for someone that you'll really miss?  Would it be better to set it up at a public memorial or on my private parcel?  Should I just create an avatar that looks like him, then pay someone to use it to just sit there and listen to what I have to say?  Do you think I would need to pay extra to curse him out for dying before I had the chance to say goodbye?

...Dres  *cries*

[Marigold Devin]

Firstly, Dres, I am sorry for your loss.

I don't think you should actually create a memorial in Second Life for your friend, but you could certainly light a candle for him, and curse/bless him as it floats across a Linden ocean.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/San%20Michele/73/154/21

The problem, I think, with creating something seemingly solid to commemorate someone in a virtual world is that there is always the chance the virtual world might lose it, through a region crash or removal, and that can feel like losing your friend all over again. 

I've used SL to help me grieve over the loss of dearly departed loved ones. I hope the Linden memorial sims are still there (I haven't logged in for over a month). I've laughed, I've cried, I've cursed, I've praised, and found inner peace. Hope you will do so too.

[Awe Thor]

You can say goodbye to him here, in SL, or any bar; anywhere you feel comfortable doing so, Dresden.

Awe . . . if he's watching then he'll know how you feel; if he isn't then you will know you've done what you can.

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Marigold Devin wrote:

Firstly, Dres, I am sorry for your loss.

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Thank you, Marigold... it was unexpected and yet my reaction to it was even more so.  I might feel better tomorrow, once I sober up.

...Dres

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Awe Thor wrote:

You can say goodbye to him here, in SL, or any bar; anywhere you feel comfortable doing so, Dresden.

Awe . . . if he's watching then he'll know how you feel; if he isn't then you will know you've done what you can.

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Thank you for your kind words, Awe... you're probably right.  I bet I could just look up at the sky (or my ceiling anyway), tell him how I feel and how sorry I am that I wasn't able to be there to comfort him on his deathbed.  Who cares if any of that heaven crap is real or not... I've been in SL for a long time now... I know how to pretend.

...Dres

[Storm Clarence]

You can have a tattoo made with his name or representative of a RL object/landmark that was dear to both you and him.  The best part about SL is that you can easily wear and remove the tattoo as the mood strikes you.  A tattoo is a little more personal so you won't have to worry about anyone griefing the memorial.   My thoughts are once again with you Dres during this troubling time.  

PS I have several RL tattoos of people/places that are lost to me.  I don't regret getting any of them.   

 

[Conifer Dada]

If your friend was keen SL resident, then, perhaps, an SL memorial would be appropriate, but otherwise I feel that something like a page on a straightforward memorial website would be a better idea.  Also bear in mind whether the friend or their loved ones would have wanted a memorial online or not.  

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Storm Clarence wrote:

You can have a tattoo made with his name or representative of a RL object/landmark that was dear to both you and him.  The best part about SL is that you can easily wear and remove the tattoo as the mood strikes you.  A tattoo is a little more personal so you won't have to worry about anyone griefing the memorial.   My thoughts are once again with you Dres during this troubling time.  

PS I have several RL tattoos of people/places that are lost to me.  I don't regret getting any of them.   

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Thanks for the suggestion, Storm.  I truly appreciate your concern, but the facts of the circumstances surrounding this make that option unquestionable.  If I may explain... my current RL boyfriend (of 12 years, as of last week) still has a tattoo of his former boyfriend's name and the person that I am mourning at the moment was my first boyfriend who later became mine and my current boyfriend's very close friend.  My current boyfriend has finally put together enough money to have his RL tattoo removed (next week)... I doubt that my wearing a tattoo in honor of my ex would be appropriate under the circumstance.

I'm thinking I'll be fine without a memorial... I was just very upset when I started this thread.

...Dres

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Conifer Dada wrote:

If your friend was keen SL resident, then, perhaps, an SL memorial would be appropriate, but otherwise I feel that something like a page on a straightforward memorial website would be a better idea.  Also bear in mind whether the friend or their loved ones would have wanted a memorial online or not.  

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Not only wasn't he a resident of SL, but he had no presence on the internet whatsoever.  Like I indicated in my OP, my feelings behind this idea were pretty selfish.  I was hurting a lot when I posted it... I was completely confused as to what I should feel.  I'm starting to get a grip, even though I've been up all night, thinking and drinking... funny how that works

...Dres

[Venus Petrov]

Dres, I am sorry for your loss.  It is entirely up to you how you want to remember your dear friend.  The best memories are those we hold in our hearts and minds.  He will be safe there.

Hugs

[Tex Monday]

My deepest sympathies on your loss, Dres

As you've already thought, a large SL memorial isn't really practical...especially IMO since he had no presence on the net or SL.

What you could do is create a small memorial..something you could put on a shelf (a statue or an urn) and keep that at your home. That way, you know he's always there with you...and you can talk to him or ignore him if the mood strikes you. Better if it's something you can pick up and hold...

I do hope that you are able to grieve for your friend so that you can get the closure that you need.

[Madelaine McMasters]

I'm saddened to hear of your loss, Dres.

When I lose someone in RL, I think back to a memorable moment or characteristic and work up a story to tell. I recently lost an aunt and went back through my memories of her to find a good story. It wasn't hard. She gave me a drum set for Christmas when I was six or so (go women's lib!) and had me play it while she and my uncle danced a polka in the living room. My parents never forgave her ;-)

I believe a life is a collection of stories, and passing them on is as near an afterlife as I can imagine. However you do it, tell a story of your friend.

 

[Perrie Juran]

Sorry for your loss. 

[Griffin Ceawlin]

Firstly, my condolences to you.

Second... I don't think anyone can tell you what would be right for you to do to get some semblance of closure.

When I was fairly new to SL, someone who was very dear to me was diagnosed with cancer and passed away after a  month in the hospital. At the same time, someone else that was also very dear to me, her daughter, was undergoing (successful) surgery and treatments for her own cancer.

While neither had any connection to SL, I did leave a note on the wall of a cancer memorial celebrating the survival of the one, and a message that hovered over one of the many "memory bowls" that floated in the vessel at the temple that was part of Burning Life 2007 to the other.

I knew that both would be temporary, the one almost fleeting. For me, it was as it should be.

[TeemoLovesMe]

Due to his lifestyle, I guess he's not going up there, but down there apparently.  

[Griffin Ceawlin]

Oh, look. A Bible thumper.

*laughs and points*

And one so cowardly that he/she created an account just to spew that drivel.

[Sephina Frostbite]

Sweetie, you do what is best for you and to hell who ever has anything to say to it. A few days ago I would have said to make a small rememberance but now I understand.  I recently lost my sister and she is the one who introduced me to sl. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her. I  know your pain. I dont know whether to play or not some days and I want to make some sort of shrine to her.. I know I might sound crazy right now... So if it gives you a little comfort even for a little while, do it. Not like if you change your mind it cant be taken down.

[Sephina Frostbite]

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TeemoLovesMe wrote:

Due to his lifestyle, I guess he's not going up there, but down there apparently.  

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Im perfectly fine with people having there own opinions but please save it for a more appropriate place. 

[Dresden Ceriano]

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TeemoLovesMe wrote:

Due to his lifestyle, I guess he's not going up there, but down there apparently.  

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I understand what you're trying to do, but pissing me off won't help ease the pain that I feel over losing a very dear friend.  Thanks anyway.

@Everyone else: Thanks for your support and feedback.  I appreciate it more than you know.

I learned today that there is an online memorial set up for him, which makes my original thought redundant and rather useless.  I also went to visit his partner... we sat and talked for a long time.  It really helped me to process this and I'm feeling much better, though it still hurts.

It's also reassuring that I don't have to worry about his partner's financial well being (he was also a good friend)... he seems to have things worked out.

...Dres

[Dresden Ceriano]

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Sephina Frostbite wrote:

Sweetie, you do what is best for you and to hell who ever has anything to say to it. A few days ago I would have said to make a small remembrance but now I understand.  I recently lost my sister and she is the one who introduced me to sl. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her. I  know your pain. I dont know whether to play or not some days and I want to make some sort of shrine to her.. I know I might sound crazy right now... So if it gives you a little comfort even for a little while, do it. Not like if you change your mind it cant be taken down.

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It doesn't sound crazy at all.  Though I've found memorials to people in SL, that never had anything to do with SL, a bit strange (I did say creepy originally, didn't I?), I've always been touched by memorials to people that were in SL, but are no longer here (meaning passed away).  At lease there is some kind of relevance to them in connection with SL.

I've only ever known SL members that have passed away in passing (and I don't mean the ones that fake their deaths to get out of drama... though I suppose you can never really tell)... if I'd have know any of them personally, I wouldn't even question setting out something in SL for them.  I just don't think that it's appropriate for someone that has nothing to do with SL and that's why, when I had the thought to do it, it threw me off.  I guess I wasn't really thinking straight at the moment.

Nevertheless, you have my condolences.  Please, allow me share with you the first song that came to mind, after hearing of my friend's passing...

...Dres

[Leia36]

Again firstly Dres I am sorry for your loss.

When I first started this journey I was befriended by a lovely young lady from Sydney Australia. We were BFFs and we shared everything, we even started calling each other in RL.

That Tuesday in November last year I was with my friends inworld and I was wondering why she hadn't logged in a week. I checked her feed page and the floor dropped out from under me. She had taken her own life. I checked her FB and  the worst was confirmed. It hurt a lot, I was a wreck for days, asking if I could have done more to aid her. I called her phone, but it was off. Since then no contact at all. I thought, like you did, about making a memorial but I decided in the end that the best way to remember her was to live, live my life to the full and honour her memory. I changed her pick in my SL profile to reflect my feelings and I have now moved on.

Good luck and hugs

RIP my angel :heart:

[Awe Thor]

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:

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TeemoLovesMe wrote:

Due to his lifestyle, I guess he's not going up there, but down there apparently.  

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I understand what you're trying to do, but pissing me off won't help ease the pain that I feel over losing a very dear friend.  Thanks anyway.

@Everyone else: Thanks for your support and feedback.  I appreciate it more than you know.

I learned today that there is an online memorial set up for him, which makes my original thought redundant and rather useless.  I also went to visit his partner... we sat and talked for a long time.  It really helped me to process this and I'm feeling much better, though it still hurts.

It's also reassuring that I don't have to worry about his partner's financial well being (he was also a good friend)... he seems to have things worked out.

...Dres

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It sounds like the more you "worry" about it, the better you are able to cope. Your concern is helping you deal with what is ultimately inevitable.

I am learning all the time from the life lessons of others, and I thank you for what you have given me in that respect.

Awe . . . believes in knowing about things; you can't know about those who have gone, but you can about the living.