Why be a friend collector?

[undevoted]

Since coming back to sl after a long break, the whole premise seems to have changed and sadly, not for the better. 

People say that making friends in sl is easy and yes, if you want a huge list of people who will bootycall or mass tp you to clubs then I guess it Is easy, but what about us odd ones who like a connection?

The ones who believe that friendship is a two way street and like any relationship it takes effort from both sides?

I have to admit that at times sl can feel a very lonely place full of clicky groups or people who are emotionally unavailable to anyone 🤷‍♀️

[Orwar]

6 hours ago, undevoted said:

People say that making friends in sl is easy and yes, if you want a huge list of people who will bootycall or mass tp you to clubs then I guess it Is easy, but what about us odd ones who like a connection?

   Putting someone on your contact list is not the same thing as 'making a friend', nor is 'having a lot of people on their contact list' equate 'having a lot of friends'. 

   The contact list is merely a device to allow you to easily stay in touch with people, not a meter of how many friends you have. Friendship is a much more complex matter, generally defined as a relationship between people wherein which there is trust, mutual interests, empathy, respect, integrity, support, etc. 

   Making friends is easy, but it takes time and for both parties to actually be willing to make a friend in each other - one will have to be discerning on whether accepting being added onto someone's contact list is because they want into your wallet, or your knickers, or if they're genuinely interested in getting to know you. 

[undevoted]

Oh I'm fully aware of that, however sl over the years has changed greatly and it is now more about how many people you know rather than the quality of people you know. 

I for one have a tiny list, by choice but I'm simply saying that it amazes me how sl was once a great place to meet people and grow connections and now it just seems like a place for people to stand and be afk together. 

Granted, I'm not the social butterfly of the group, but I do enjoy good conversations.

[Exocet Kungler]

1 hour ago, undevoted said:

Oh I'm fully aware of that, however sl over the years has changed greatly and it is now more about how many people you know rather than the quality of people you know. 

I for one have a tiny list, by choice but I'm simply saying that it amazes me how sl was once a great place to meet people and grow connections and now it just seems like a place for people to stand and be afk together. 

Granted, I'm not the social butterfly of the group, but I do enjoy good conversations.

One of the things I personally strive for, and have a motto of, is if you're in my friends list, I try to reach out at least a couple times a week. Even if its simply to say hello, or ask how your day is going. I have brought in lots of real friendships by trying to be the one to help make SL a better place by actually communicating. Kind of an old school mentality if you will. If you're looking for a good one in your friends list, don't hesitate to reach out. Always chatting and always looking for great people to get together and do things with. Just have to keep the fire alive and make a point of it.

[Cinnamon Mistwood]

I think it is just the times and social media.  Some people think followers are the same is friends, so the measure of their worth is the number of people on the friend list.  There is nothing wrong with measuring a person's value that way, but quantity does not mean quality. 

I have 50 people on my friends list, if I subtract my own alts and the alts of friends in my list, I have about 25 individual people and only 7 or 8  I regularly interact with.

People with businesses like rentals or stores may have many people on lists, but they're not really friends.

[Love Zhaoying]

So, the fact I have no "active" friends is a good thing? (Only very old friends who I do not communicate with.)

I am crushing it!

- Sad, lonely, lovelorn lion

NRJK - Psychey!

Friends are like high cholesterol, they just gonna break your heart.

Edited October 3, 2022 by Love Zhaoying

[Stephanie Misfit]

I usually end up with way too many people on my friends list, and end up deleting them, because we never talk and I forget who they are. Or it turns out that the friendly chatty person I met just wants sex, or they like to send unannounced TPs, or some other annoyance. Smaller lists are better. I will never delete my old friends who are gone from SL who I hold fond memories of though, they might come back one day - and in fact, sometimes they do, this has happened more than once. Some of the people I really like talking to in SL aren't even on my friends list, we just talk every so often and I can see their online status in their profile, or bump into them at venues.

[Gabriele Graves]

I like the way Firestorm calls people you add "Contacts" instead of "Friends".  Still it's not a perfect description and sadly people still read it as "Friends".

That said, I actually don't use my contacts list at all.  I can remember my friends, I don't need a list and I don't need to know when they come and go.  I'll either arrange times/places with them or turn up at the usual haunts and see them there.  I'm not about placing expectations on people who are most likely halfway around the world and having their day while I'm asleep or vice-versa and I don't expect any placed on me either.  If someone doesn't want to know me because I won't add them to my list, then I consider myself fortunate to find what they are like earlier rather than later.

So for me, collected "Friends" == Zero.
 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Gabriele Graves
correction from "your" to "my"

[Lewis Luminos]

The friends list isn't really a friends list at all, and that't where people's expectations differ.  It's really just a contacts list. A way of keeping acquaintances organised. If someone adds you to their friends list, it does not mean that you're instantly a best-friend-forever who will talk with you for hours at any time of day. 

If I add someone to my contacts list, it is usually because we've had a conversation that I enjoyed, and would like to have another sometime. It means that I think you're okay. But it doesn't mean we're friends yet and it definitely doesn't mean that I will drop everything I'm doing the moment I see you log in, and entertain you for the next several hours.

A Friend is someone that I know well, I like a lot, I trust and hold in deep personal regard. It also requires that they think the same of me. If it doesn't work both ways, we are contacts, not friends.

Friendship is not something you can pick and choose. You can't decide "I am going to be friends with you". It's something that happens over time. Weeks, months, sometimes years.

 

[Coffee Pancake]

As someone with ADHD, I've found the growing reluctance to add people "as friends" in SL frustrating. If we meet and you ever want to talk to me again, we need to be at the very least on each others contact lists. Poor object permeance applies to people too.

I think this is actually a platform imposed behavior.

Much like newbies bump into everyone they meet till they learn to give up attempting to be active and forever stand ghosted in place, there is an initial urge and desire to get some people on the "friend-list", make connections, that then crashes out after a few years and as we all adopt hermit mode.

SL as a social experience is weirdly broken in so many ways, like we're making the best of a bad dish on so many fronts, that it almost becomes the driving motivation for the tiny minority of us who stick around after signing up.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Coffee Pancake

[Gabriele Graves]

This is why giving calling cards was once a more prominent and an often done thing but unfortunately today it feels archaic and is too well hidden for new people to find naturally.

It did mean though that lists didn't have to be made, you could discover and remember who you had spoken to and the giving and receiving of calling cards didn't have the associated login/logout notification issues associated with it.

It's a shame that they don't get more use in my opinion.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Gabriele Graves

[Love Zhaoying]

Do "Imaginary Friends" count?

..asking for an imaginary friend.

[Coffee Pancake]

27 minutes ago, Gabriele Graves said:

This is why giving calling cards was once a more prominent and an often done thing but unfortunately today it feels archaic and is too well hidden for new people to find naturally.

There is also the point that the friend list system we have is literally the bare minimum functionality required.

The entire system is inventory based (which is why a calling card appears in the trash when someone unfriends), yet none of the organizational potential that a heretical structure for managing calling cards would allow was ever implemented .. and likely wont ever be for all the usual reasons.

[Love Zhaoying]

5 minutes ago, Coffee Pancake said:

a calling card appears in the trash when someone unfriends

TIL!!

[Gabriele Graves]

As an aside, I have an alt who somewhere along the line gained a second "Calling Cards" folder and because they are system folders, it cannot be deleted at the viewer side.  LL closed the ticket I created concluding that this issue was unfixable from their end too.  There are deep issues in the inventory system that remain today I think.

[Coffee Pancake]

[Rowan Amore]

9 hours ago, Gabriele Graves said:

I like the way Firestorm calls people you add "Contacts" instead of "Friends".  Still it's not a perfect description and sadly people still read it as "Friends".

That said, I actually don't use my contacts list at all.  I can remember my friends, I don't need a list and I don't need to know when they come and go.  I'll either arrange times/places with them or turn up at the usual haunts and see them there.  I'm not about placing expectations on people who are most likely halfway around the world and having their day while I'm asleep or vice-versa and I don't expect any placed on me either.  If someone doesn't want to know me because I won't add them to my list, then I consider myself fortunate to find what they are like earlier rather than later.

So for me, collected "Friends" == Zero.
 

This is almost exactly how I run my SL.  I have a handful (yes, about 5) people on my friend list.  I talk with many others on a regular basis WHEN I see them at venues we both frequent.  There's no reason for me to add them to some list.  

I'm not sure the list has really changed all that much in the years I've been here.  Until I disabled the friend request, I'd still get random requests from noobs who I assume thought that 'He who has the most friends wins the game' or some such nonsense.  That was happening 12 years ago, too.

[Arnold Burner]

Hi. Well that's sad to hear but I have found that I was able to find lots of friends over time that share the same interests and they have been so for a long time. Yes a couple had rl and vanished but thats kinda normal. Have you looked up places that are like your own rl things that you enjoy? 

[Cate Foulsbane]

On 10/3/2022 at 10:28 AM, undevoted said:

and it is now more about how many people you know rather than the quality of people you know. 

That is your perception, not mine. It's sad that you feel that way and I hope you find ways to make SL better for yourself.

 

[undevoted]

17 minutes ago, Cate Foulsbane said:

That is your perception, not mine. It's sad that you feel that way and I hope you find ways to make SL better for yourself.

 

Oh my sl is fine thank you for your concern. It just seems to be that everyone goes out to have a huge friends list and they barely talk to anyone on it. I was simply saying that I don't understand the appeal of that, but each to their own!

[Lewis Luminos]

3 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Do "Imaginary Friends" count?

..asking for an imaginary friend.

Thats what alts are for 😁

[Exocet Kungler]

Half of these comments are why SL is the broken mess that it is today. No offense to any of you of course.

Why is it that my 11 yo son can make friends by adding them to a "Contact" list, "Friends List", or "Rolodex" depending on your current vernacular position, without even trying. With a friends list that has either been disabled, or is only full of 5 people and you don't add more, I won't even waste my time. Just like your new neighbor that moved in or that person across the table from you, you have to put yourself out there. Friendship takes work. They don't just appear. For those that think they will, well, there are reasons your "contact list" is so short. Friendship isnt a right, its an opportunity. An opportunity to express interest, and mutual desires, hobbies, or likenesses. Friends then come knocking at your door once you make yourself approachable, and available. Having an awesome personality goes a long way as well 😁

Edited October 5, 2022 by Exocet Kungler

[Gabriele Graves]

Why is it that people equate friendship with being put on a list?  Perhaps my friends list is just a notecard in my inventory.  Should it matter?

[Exocet Kungler]

On 10/4/2022 at 12:03 AM, Gabriele Graves said:

I like the way Firestorm calls people you add "Contacts" instead of "Friends".  Still it's not a perfect description and sadly people still read it as "Friends".

That said, I actually don't use my contacts list at all.  I can remember my friends, I don't need a list and I don't need to know when they come and go.  I'll either arrange times/places with them or turn up at the usual haunts and see them there.  I'm not about placing expectations on people who are most likely halfway around the world and having their day while I'm asleep or vice-versa and I don't expect any placed on me either.  If someone doesn't want to know me because I won't add them to my list, then I consider myself fortunate to find what they are like earlier rather than later.

So for me, collected "Friends" == Zero.
 

 

Half of these comments are why SL is the broken mess that it is today. No offense to any of you of course.

Why is it that my 11 yo son can make friends by adding them to a "Contact" list, "Friends List", or "Rolodex" depending on your current vernacular position, without even trying. With a friends list that has either been disabled, or is only full of 5 people and you don't add more, I won't even waste my time. Just like your new neighbor that moved in or that person across the table from you, you have to put yourself out there. Friendship takes work. They don't just appear. For those that think they will, well, there are reasons your "contact list" is so short. Friendship isnt a right, its an opportunity. An opportunity to express interest, and mutual desires, hobbies, or likenesses. Friends then come knocking at your door once you make yourself approachable, and available. Having an awesome personality goes a long way as well 😁

[MadameGloom Ravenwood]

On 10/3/2022 at 3:28 PM, undevoted said:

Oh I'm fully aware of that, however sl over the years has changed greatly and it is now more about how many people you know rather than the quality of people you know. 

I for one have a tiny list, by choice but I'm simply saying that it amazes me how sl was once a great place to meet people and grow connections and now it just seems like a place for people to stand and be afk together. 

Granted, I'm not the social butterfly of the group, but I do enjoy good conversations.

I found it easy to strike up friendships in the early days, but I would just speak to anyone and befriend anyone, some I am still in touch with. But over recent years finding new friends has been so much harder.

But I guess I have changed as well since I first started 15 years ago. I think becoming a cretaor changed me too, I spend more time working than socialising and then when I do leave my platform it is usually to "gamble" or buy hair!