How Do You Cope When Your Best Friend, Gets RL Critically ill?

[Jinnywitha Cleanslate]

Sorry this post is so long - I just need to get it out my head, and hope that someone can give me some advice.

I've had this friend for nearly all my SL.  He lives in another country, and we've been friends now for over 7 years. I consider him my best friend. 

He has been there for me, through many hardships of mine over the years, and picked me up when I have been down, and never left me when I had a breakdown last year, after an accident, where as all my RL friends did.  He to me - is a total nut - but he's my truest and my very best friend.  He admitted from the start, that he wasn't interested in romance, as he had a RL GF, and that was fine by me, and actually that honesty, was one of the reasons why I kept talking to him.  Over the years, we've had many laughs, he's got me into trouble, and he's been a loveable pest, but I wouldn't change a second of it. 

Our friendship moved to RL after a few months,and then via Facebook and Skype, and I also have an aquaintency with his GF, who I got the impression was concerned about my presence in his life, in the early days, but I reassured her that I knew of her, and have no interest other than friendship in him, and we are good now.   I've never actually met him or his girlfriend in real life.  Although I've threatened to travel there to slap him, for his cheekiness!  Lol.  We've had pretty much daily contact since we moved the friendship to RL.

I've always known he was ill with something that may eventually take his life.  And over the last year, his health has been in decline.  It's been a worry - but it's something I have held in the back of my mind.  Only none of his previous episodes, have been so serious, as this time around.

He's been quieter the last 10 days, but had been posting his usual silly messages to my Wall, until 5 days ago.   And then another SL friend had a RL passing in her life, and my attention turned to her.  I posted on my Wall a tribute for her situation - and then a while after, my best friend's girlfriend, added a comment at how beautifully worded it was - and then she added 'btw he's been in hospital the last 3 weeks and isn't recovering like he used to'.   I was so shocked. I literally sat there, gasping for air, with my mouth wide open for a few seconds.  I messaged her immediately, and found out that actually, he was now critical.  He no longer can communicate.  I couldn't believe it.  I am honestly on an emotional roundabout.  And the bad side is that I am fighting the feelings of outright anger towards his girlfriend for not letting me know sooner, when she knows our relationship.  I don't blame him at all, as I know he didn't tell me as I am going through a really rough patch in RL at the moment, so he wouldn't have wanted to bother me - he never likes me to fuss over his health... though he bugs me about mine frequently. Lol.  

That was 3 days ago now.    I have since found out that he is in a major health crisis.  He can no longer speak due to oxygen masks, and stuff, is in Intensive Care, and cannot use the computer any more.... his prognosis is unknown.   

The last 3 days, I have pretty much sat staring at the computer, until I'm literally rocking with tiredness, while waiting desperately for updates (which I'm thankfully getting now, thanks to his sister, who also was not told and is just as shocked), and I'm constantly bursting into tears.  I should have gone out to get groceries, and actually I had a RL date tomorrow, which I've now cancelled, because I am worried about stepping away from the computer and missing some update.    I simply feel so....grief stricken.   And the people I've talked to in RL - don't take me seriously because ours has been a online only relationship, so I've stopped telling them, because I can't deal with their reaction.    I feel so helpless and isolated.  All I've been doing for him, is posting messages and jokes to his Facebook and Skype, trying to be as 'ordinary' as possible, in case he makes it back to the computer, and can look back and see the messages.

I can't go to the USA, even though I have his home address, and all his contact details, and he doesn't want visitors anyway, even if he was fit enough for some - and in any case, I feel it would be more than unfair at this stage, on all of his RL family, if I suddenly appeared in RL.  And he and I never said we wanted to meet in RL either - even though we've sent each other RL mail, and know all about each other's lives.

The reality is... I could lose him - and sooner rather than later.  I'm devastated, and I just don't know how to handle it.  He  could do with a miracle right now - even if it's just so I can kick his butt one last time.

Any advice, on dealing with this?

[Madelaine McMasters]

This is a tough one, Jinny.

I've lost a few online friends over the years. I posted the story of my relationship with one of them, titled "93" on the old forums. Unfortunately, it was ARed, or I'd link to it.

The last one I'd known for more than a dozen years. We met on IRC and moved to Yahoo Messenger. We were not romantically involved, but were the best of friends. He was my sounding board as I went through my RL divorce. I'd planned to bring him to SL so he could get into some much needed trouble here. I created an avatar named Snugs for him to inhabit. He had the good sense to decline, marrying a lovely woman in RL instead. The two of them got into lovely trouble together, I enjoyed hearing the stories. We continued to chat on Messenger for years more.

Three years ago, she was discovered to have breast cancer. I did what little I could to support them as they battled it. Two years ago, he complained of some odd symptoms himself. A cursory examination revealed nothing, but a subsequent one revealed that cancer had spread throughout his body. Six weeks later he was gone. I got the news from his wife. About a year after that, she was gone as well. I got that news by Googling, finding her obituary in the same paper as his.

I sometimes feel a little guilt over not falling to pieces during his decline and death, but then shake my head and realize that wouldn't have helped.

As you've said, you are going to lose him, sooner or later. If there's nothing you can do to take care of him, and for most of us in situations like this that's the case, then you must direct your energy elsewhere. He's your friend, and he'd want to take good care of you, right? But he's similarly unable to make that happen. So, the relentless logician in me says...

...do it for him.

Hugs,
Maddy

[Tamara Artis]

Sorry to hear this... try to speak with his sister or girlfriend and also with someone from your rl close people. Share what you feel... Its bad to be alone in this situation, don't do that to yourself!

[Marigold Devin]

You wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling such intense emotions after developing such a deep friendship/relationship with someone, and its understandable that you're on something of a rollercoaster ride currently.

It strikes me that your best friend's RL GF didn't know how she was going to break the news to you that your mutual BFF's health has taken such a downward turn. She probably didn't put you in the picture about him being in the hospital for the past few weeks because she was in shock herself at the crisis situation it has become, and has been using most of her energies for willing him back into good health.

Your best friend would be comforted to know you, his RL GF, and his sister were all there holding a large soft blanket of love for him in your own very individual ways.

 

 

[irihapeti]

one of the hardest things is dealing with other people when you are traumatised yourself

everybody comes up to you and express their sorrow. Many of them are in tears and they want to talk about their loss and how they feel. You have to comfort them. Is really tough this bc you are traumatised yourself by the impending departure of your loved one

some will ask you how you feel. I just want to scream at them when they ask this. How do you think I feel ?!?

but you dont bc you cant. You just have to suck it up and be silent and nod your head in acknowledgement of their presence and words which are offered in heartfelt and true and goodness and kindness. Even when sometimes they are spitting tacks thru sorrow and loss induced rage

after 10s and 100s sometimes of this then you have to switch off or you go grief mad yourself and say things at them which you would never do otherwise ever

+  

please dont be upset by what his RL partner is doing (not doing) at this time. She is trying cope. Is enough for her to have to deal with her own trauma. Having to relay a step-by-step account to others in the endtime is really really hard. Even when the others are family and very close friends

+

think of your friend. Would he want you grief paralysed? No. Nobody wants this of their family and friends. They want to be remembered for who they were. Not as they are now. Not as they will be if/when the endtime comes

would he want you sitting and crying for him in the dark. or would he want you walking in the sun in the park seeing him in the trees and the birds and in the laughter of children playing

is hard this. but you do it bc is the one thing you can actual do. To go out of the dark and into the light and embrace your friend and everything he is. Out there in the warmth of the light

+

is hard on you. Is hard on her. Is hard on his sister. Is hard on everyone. You can help by acknowledging that there is nothing you can do physically that will change anything. You can only help them by just being there and keeping them in your thoughts and prayers as well as him. And by believing/praying/hoping that he, and they, will come thru it

is hard this as well. you can do it tho. bc you must. For your sake. For his. And for theirs

[Sephina Frostbite]

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It's maddening. However I do have to say this. I met someone in sl and we actually got engaged in real life. He was my world. On our wedding day he died. I didn't want to talk to anyone for what seemed like an eternity. You know how you feel, imagine how his girlfriend feels. She's is other half... she is him essentially. Right now she has to say good bye to a man she would have spend the rest of her life with hun. I know how you feel. It's like a ton of bricks. But what she's going through is more. She might not mean to leave you out of it. She's dealing with him and herself. Plus she may not want to notify anyone but family at this point. I really hope your heart heals.

[Orca Flotta]

---

Sephina Frostbite wrote:

On our wedding day he died.

---

WhawhawhaWOT??? You serious? On your wedding day? In front of the altar? You not kiddin'?

 

Sorry, just having a silly notion right now: fortunately he was wearing a tux already and a priest was present. That saves on the funeral fees. Again sorry for that. I'm a terrible terrible person.

[Radium Soup]

"Blanket of love" Wow WTF are you smoking Rosie Odonnell?

[Treasure Ballinger]

Think about doing a tribute; he doesn't have to be passed away for you to honor him, in SL.  It can be quiet, and private; there are grief groups, and places you can go just to meditate; I have a flower buried on my land, in memory of someone I lost in RL.   I recently helped a friend shop for things to help assuage his grief, when his aunt was dying.  LL has (or had, not sure if still do) a sim dedicated to memorializing those we've lost in either SL, or RL.  Give yourself an outlet, something to do.  I know he's not gone, but you're missing him as if he is.....  give that love a place to go.    God bless, and may you have a peaceful and encouraged spirit.

[Sephina Frostbite]

It's been long enough I can see the humor in that. Although others might not...and it stings. No I'm not kidding.

[Maryanne Solo]

Ups downs... highs lows... elation the depths of depression...

You are human, your cartoon is human. Drop everything and care for yourself.

SL losses arent as bad as RL ones.

Me? Dropped SL for 6 months, not a word to anyone, just gone.

There is no solution other than to always remind yourself... everything is temporary.

This singular second is the best second of my whole life. Second or otherwise.

<3