The Battle of Hastings

[Phil Deakins]

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,

As 'appened in days long gone by,

When Duke William became King of England,

And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

 

It were this way one day in October

The Duke, who were always a toff,

Having no battles on at the moment,

Had given his lads a day off.

 

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,

When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear,

Said,  "Let's go and put t' breeze up the Saxons ";

Said Bill, "By gum, that's an idea"

 

Then turning around to his soldiers,

He lifted his big Norman voice,

Shouting, "Hands up who's coming to England."

That was swank 'cos they 'adn't the choice

 

They started away about tea-time

The sea was so calm and so still

And at quarter to ten the next morning

They arrived at a place called Bexhill

 

King 'Arold came up as they landed

His face full of venom and 'ate

He said, "If you've come for t' Regatta

You've got here just six weeks too late."

 

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,

And said, "Give us none of your cheek;

You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,

I'll be wanting to use it next week"

 

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,

With rage he turned purple and blue,

And shouted some rude words in Saxon,

To which William answered, "And you!"

 

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;

The Normans set off with a will,

And when both sides was duly assembled,

They tossed for the top of the hill.  

 

King 'Arold he won the advantage,

On the hill-top he took up his stand,

With his knaves and his cads all around him,

On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

 

The Normans had nowt in their favour,

Their chance of a victory seemed small,

For the slope of the field were against them,

And the wind in their faces and all.

 

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,

And soon as the whistle had went

Both sides started banging each other

'til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

 

The Saxons had t' best line of forwards,

Well armed both with buckler and sword

But the Normans had t' best combination,

And when half-time came neither had scored.

 

So the Duke called his cohorts together

And said, "Let's pretend that we're beat,

Once we get t' Saxons down on t' level

We'll cut off their means of retreat."

 

So they ran and the Saxons ran after,

Just exactly as William had planned,

Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top

On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

 

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,

A bow and an arrow he drew

He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.

He were off-side, but what could they do?

 

The Normans turned round in a fury,

And gave back both parry and thrust,

Till the fight were all over bar t' shouting,

And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

 

And after the battle were over

They found 'Arold so stately and grand,

Sitting there with an eye full of arrow

On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and

 

 

Stanley Holloway.

 

[Charly Muggins]

Of course the Bayeux Tapestry is NOT a tapestry.

And it was not made in Bayeux, but England.

Maybe we should ask for it back too if those Greeks are going to insist on their Marbles being returned.

[Theresa Tennyson]

---

Charly Muggins wrote:

Of course the Bayeux Tapestry is

NOT

a tapestry.

And it was not made in Bayeux, but England.

Maybe we should ask for it back too if those Greeks are going to insist on their Marbles being returned.

---

Usually when you lose your marbles?

It's permanent.

[Perrie Juran]

---

Theresa Tennyson wrote:

---

Charly Muggins wrote:

Of course the Bayeux Tapestry is

NOT

a tapestry.

And it was not made in Bayeux, but England.

Maybe we should ask for it back too if those Greeks are going to insist on their Marbles being returned.

---

Usually when you lose your marbles?

It's permanent.

---

Then what is the noise that I keep hearing

When I shake my head?

[Theresa Tennyson]

---

Perrie Juran wrote:

Then what is the noise that I keep hearing

When I shake my head?

---

It's all in your head, Perrie.

 

Oh, wait...

[Ryder Palfrey]

haha I love that poem.   I once saw Les Barker perform it live. Hilarious.

[Melita Magic]

According to documentary television (which we all know is true), here are a couple of random facts.

 

The battle was going in King Harold's favor, when one of his soldiers decided to show off, and run after the retreating invaders. That broke the infallible line, and the battle turned. 

William the Conqueror's coffin exploded inside the chapel, during his funeral, and showered the attendees with goo.

[Phil Deakins]

---

Melita Magic wrote:

According to documentary television (which we all know is true), here are a couple of random facts.

The battle was going in King Harold's favor, when one of his soldiers decided to show off, and run after the retreating invaders. That broke the infallible line, and the battle turned. 

William the Conqueror's coffin exploded inside the chapel, during his funeral, and showered the attendees with goo.

---

I never heard about the coffin explosion, but the Brits going against orders, by breaking ranks and chasing the Normans, is reflected in the monologue. And it is the cause of Harold's defeat because, until that happened, the Normans didn't have much of chance of winning. The monologue is quite accurate about things - the slope of the ground, for instance, and the breaking of ranks.

Another fact: Normandy, where the Normans came from, was set aside for the Vikings to live in. 'Norman' means 'north man' - men of the north - where the Vikings came from. I didn't know that until relatively recently.

And yet another little known fact: After Harold got the arrow in his eye, one of his officers rushed up to him and said, "Keep blinking, Harry. It'll work its way out."

 

Some of the U.S. people probably won't understand all of the monologue but probably realised that the battle is being described as though it was a game with the rules of football - proper football, not American football - including the offside rule, which is mentioned.

[PeterCanessa Oh]

And more trivia:

Days before the battle of Hastings - SOUTH-EAST corner of England - the peasant army had been called-out and rushed together, made a forced-march of a couple of hundred miles NORTH and beat another Viking invasion at the battle of Stamford Bridge.  Then then had to rush back South to be in time for their scheduled match with William the **bleep** (<- This is a correct appellation).

Anyone asking a general today if they thought they'd be able to mobilise a militia army, cross 200 miles in 3 days, win a battle, return 200 miles and win another would laugh at you.  The odd thing is that if Harold had won this would probably all have been forgotten.

[Dillon Levenque]

Did you self-bleep that? I responded to a post that tangentially mentioned William, or '1066 and all that' as my father used to say (I think he heard someone say it in earnest on the radio or read it somewhere) and I replied, "That William was such a **bleep**" (I'll see if my word gets bleeped here).

The comment itself was taken as being about his personal character rather than his parentage, but I enjoyed it anyway.

 

Ha. It did get bleeped. I swear it went through not more than a month or so ago. :-).

[Melita Magic]

Phil Deakins wrote:

---

Another fact: Normandy, where the Normans came from, was set aside for the Vikings to live in. 'Norman' means 'north man' - men of the north - where the Vikings came from. I didn't know that until relatively recently.

And yet another little known fact: After Harold got the arrow in his eye, one of his officers rushed up to him and said, "

Keep blinking, Harry. It'll work its way out."

---

Nice to have helpful friends, isn't it? I might've been tempted to pull it out just to put it in his ear.

 

I always wondered why Normans, who were from

south

of England, were called

Nor

mans. Interesting, thanks.

Apparently William's body had been putrefying in the sun, and then stuffed into a stone (IIRC) coffin. In those times, there was usually a drainage hole in the bottom, but perhaps they were rushed. 

The upshot is that the body, which had already begun to swell, continued doing so until the natural gases literally blew the lid off, and 'goo' rained down on those attending. A fairly ignoble end to the King's life.

Considering what he did to the north of England I can't be too sad for him though, really...at least he was already dead.

As others have said he was literally a "bleep" (might as well censor that pre-emptively), or, 'born without the blessings of ministry.' Well - was that true of him, or, his parents, or...? I can't usually keep that part straight. 

Anyone reminding him of that fact could meet with swift vengeance - unless you made him laugh. One guy dared say "Not bad for the "bleep" grandson of a fish monger" - and William roared with laughter.

Didn't he have 'royal' or  'noble' blood due to some guy who took a fancy to a fish monger's daughter who was washing clothes in a stream? That was his mother, right? Oh, so I guess William himself was the "bleep" then.

He is interesting, as most tyrants are; it's fun to learn more about his life.