[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, Bree Giffen said:

For me the book was about having a civilized beginning, a decent into chaos, and ending with the appearance of an authority figure. I guess this could be said about a lot of threads. Hopefully, we'll have a happy ending in this one.

Good call! From that perspective, a little like Blue Lagoon..

I like how this thread is not a "pile-on" (until someone decides it is).  

But I think your metaphor of the "authority figure" is interesting.  I keep bringing it back to Second Life to try and help that.  I wish others would take the OP at face value, maybe contribute something.  

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

6 minutes ago, ValKalAstra said:

^-- Thread summary.

Be careful where you post that image, seriously - if you posted it in "Make Me Laugh", you'd get in trouble! At least, I would get in trouble if I posted it!!

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

NOTE: The point of this thread wasn't actually for me to "try to completely change and apologize for all past sins".  But at this point, since there's a line, I may as well provide the requested service.  NEXT!

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, Arielle Popstar said:

The other was in reference to Luna's post which you covered. So no, all done to this point.

Ok, much as she "asked for" (not quite demanded?) an apology for the things I had done - but still left "mad", I can only do so much. Assuming it is you (not BJ) who often writes about Lumiya - then I apologize for being mean about that.  If you think about anything else you feel I should apologize for, let me know.

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

2 minutes ago, BilliJo Aldrin said:

I’m starting to think this thread isn’t playing out exactly as Mr Zhaoying had planned.

Not TOTALLY unexpected, but I didn't expect such a um..healthy number of unsupportive responses!

3 minutes ago, BilliJo Aldrin said:

p.s. my apologies if you are not a Mr, I always assumed you were a guy 😬

Male, yes.  I mostly get the "I assumed you were female" from UK residents, because in those cases they assumed "Love" is a name a female would use - to the point of saying "I thought you were a bird (female)!" LOL!

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

2 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

What about just being honest how you feel about those sort of jokes? Not having to direct it at the person but what he was communicating?

That to me would be the kindest as it lets the other know where you stand, how you feel but also separating the person from the joke as it was probably something he learned in his culture which he is a product of. He likely didn't realize the effect they had on another and gives him the opportunity to change.

Good point.  Here's the hard part and why I found it difficult to deal with.  He literally laughed about making jokes about AIDS.  Explaining to someone why that is cruel, stupid, not funny, etc. is difficult.  Especially when they laugh about it as in, "it's no big deal, we make those jokes where I live".  

So, with a starting point of "the other person laughs it off", it can be hard to get started being honest with your feelings because, there is every reason to believe they will just laugh at YOU!

It is much easier to just ignore such a person or, hope they don't bring up similar things.

Thanks for encouraging me to face that! (Explaining it is hard!)

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

5 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

My pleasure. Now you have it, what do you intend to so about it? Ignore and continue. Look within and see how relevant it is? Search out how to stop that unkind behaviour?

Ok, in order to respond, I'll copy your feedback below and try to address any points:

15 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Yes that would be though I haven't experienced that myself. Fortunately for me the OP usually has me blocked, perhaps not to have to answer uncomfortable questions I sometimes posit? That is always an out for one if they can't handle the truth about themself.

So far as I can tell, the only behavior you are referencing in your post above is that I may have blocked you in order to not answer uncomfortable questions that you sometimes post.  Assuming that is why I had you blocked, I can certainly try to do better on that with you personally. Although in general "other" blocked people are blocked for other reasons.

Was there some other specific behavior you were referring to, or were you referring to something that Luna said? 

Thanks!

 

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

4 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

You've done much more, but I think I'm done with this ludicrous thread.

Thanks for participating!

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

14 minutes ago, BilliJo Aldrin said:

You left my personal favorite when people want to pry into your RL.

Lie 😂

Oh! I almost misunderstood your reply.  That IS definitely a good valid approach in Second Life!

I think one of my issues with "lying" is eventually getting caught being inconsistent, forgetting what you lied about, etc.

I suppose if one lies "creatively", then people will get (hopefully) that you are making stuff up!

Thanks for your response!

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

10 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

I don't know, but goading someone until they strike back with a  defensive comment and then get reported by the forum cartel with a subsequent moderator warning, and when returning from their 'time-out' the instigator saying, sarcastically, "where ya been"???......is not indicative of a kind person. Quite sadistic really.

Oh, my! If I did that, I apologize. 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

5 minutes ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Yes that would be though I haven't experienced that myself. Fortunately for me the OP usually has me blocked, perhaps not to have to answer uncomfortable questions I sometimes posit? That is always an out for one if they can't handle the truth about themself.

Thanks for the feedback!

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

Continuing the trend of Second Life examples (NOT "Forum" examples), here is an example that happened to me, from the OP "4. Someone makes a challenging / provocative statement involving RL politics, social groups, gender, stereotypes, race, ethnicity, age, etc.":

I had a friend in Second Life who was gay / femme, from a Slavic country.  They knew I was gay in the US.

They had a sense of humor which they explained away as "this is how we are in my country".

He would say things like, "Oh, stay away you will give me AIDS".  

Did I respond unkindly? Don't remember.

Could I have responded differently?  Yes, I could have gently responded that "it may be funny in his country, but probably not a good idea to use those jokes with Americans".   How could I have done that "differently"?  Um, by trying to remember that hopefully, he was being "honest" / "sincere" that to him, those types of jokes are OK. 

Was I truly "upset"/"hurt" by his jokes?  Not necessarily, but they stayed with me until this day.  And, I stopped being friends with him because of that.

So what is the real lesson for ME, that I would learn from? Possibly try to be less sensitive, and if I NEED to reply, then try to be kind.  But probably, "not replying at all" would have been a better option then trying to discuss it.

 

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

Just now, Bree Giffen said:

I'm getting a lot of "Lord of the Flies" vibes right now.

Which part? The part where the boys are left alone on an island and devolve into barbarism, ultimately resulting in the death of one of their friends? (I'm not being facetious, I'm just curious and that was a real guess since it's my takeaway as the main point of the story.)

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

8 minutes ago, Istelathis said:

I really do think it is all kind of pointless, in the grand scheme of things.  Most people's opinions on matters are constantly changing, their perspective focuses and as a result what they firmly held to be a fundamental truth previously now is tossed in the waste bin.  We see this with politics all of the time, we see it in religion, ideologies, etc, etc.  

So it isn't important for me to try to force their views to change, hell, my views might change in that time as well.  It is all just a huge waste of time, and in the end

 

So, I have let go of any sacred truths, and have embraced the anarchy of life.

There is no winning or losing, I just would rather not feel the burden of hurting other people.  Life is hard enough, I don't want to responsible for their pain, or the pain they may inflict upon others as a result of my contribution to it.

Tangentially, I think you addressed a little of what I was trying to say. (Otherwise, I'm not sure TBH!)

Possibly for example, the "truths" aspect - I can't help what someone thinks of me.  I can't help what I think of someone else (in the moment).  I can try to "be a good person"..

But we are all changing, evolving, etc. as you say:  My point in creating this thread. Would I have attempted to create this thread a year ago? No. It's ME who changed, and not by repeated exposure to "mean people".  I just changed to where I would prefer to be understood, which I can't always control.

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

14 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

Are you going to make fun of my use of the word 'traveler' again and goad others into doing so as well, as you did only yesterday?

No, that was a "joke" since "AA" and "Traveler" could mean "AAA" = American Automobile Society.  In context, you and I have disagreed over "addiction" in the past, which I had in that post thought you brought up.

15 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

I'm sorry, but you need to follow your own advice (an apology would be accepted) before beginning a thread like this.

Thanks for your feedback! I like the idea that you are suggesting I apologize. That fits in with the general idea I expressed in my OP that I would point out where I could do better!

Since "teasing" you - making a joke - about your use of the word "traveler" was not actually "making fun of you", I do not feel like an apology is warranted.  

I do apologize in general, for other instances where I was unkind to you in response to your constantly bringing up psychology when it is off-topic.  I will try to respond more kindly next time.  I am sure you cannot help when you are compelled to discuss psychology no matter what the topic, and by no means do I think that I can, or should, try to control what you choose to speak about.

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

15 minutes ago, Midnoot said:

If by "contributions", you mean hyperactively posting at 10x the rate of an average person on every single thread, speaking so loudly that it's hard for the unfortunate participants of the conversation to even hear their own thoughts, or saturating the chat log with spam, then yeah... Sure.  I'll call that a "contribution".. It'd be nice if if this oh-so-ironic advice was heeded.  ( You don't have to respond). That part.

Thanks for the feedback!

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

Another non-Forum example - this one is regarding Example #1 in the OP.

As a Neko - "per human, part Furry" - I generally accept that "most people get it", but "not everyone".  (Often times of course, I am a "feral" or "anthro", not just a Neko.)

One time, at a Furry club, a furry (anthro as I recall) asked, "Where's your fur"?

After some back-and forth, I came to understand that in their opinion, if I did not have "body fur" / "body hair", then "I did not have fur" and something was wrong with that.

Rather than ignore them, I took their "questionable yet possibly well-intentioned" advice and purchased some "body hair accessory" and wore it a couple times (initially just to see what it was about).

It was like wearing pubic hair all over your body.  Eeccccch!!!

So: Could I have handled it different? Yes, but at least I think I was kind.  I could have gently pushed back and said something like, "Thanks for the feedback, I like my avatar the way it is."

Did I get all bent out of shape? Not truly, it was more.."funny" and weird.

What would I try to do next time?  Be more assertive without being rude (even if I thought THEY were being rude).

 

 

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, Marianne Little said:

Back in the old, old days and old forum, it was a guy with a long name starting with "P".

I wonder if it was "Pserendipity" or something. I wrote a post that was a bit of rambling, with a very long sentence. He ripped it up in small pieces and wrote a scatching reply that was so nasty that I was first cold, than hot, when I was reading it.

This was his signature work, making people angry and reply. With his acerbic pen, and very good grip on the English language, I would be no match for him.

I was fuming and trying to write a reply, deleting it before posting, and ignored him and continued the discussion. That was smart of me. But it was very hard.

Every time one say "Be kind" the line is moved closer and closer to "If you cannot be positive, at least be quiet".

It is the recipient that decide what is kind or not. People get more and more thin skinned, because they are never exposed to snark, sarcasm, bitingly critical comments and options they did not ask for. Young people belive that they should go through life without experiencing negativity. We are already a society where people is afraid to voice different opinions, because they have been told they must be positive.

Great points!

[What Justification Is There For No Mod Permissions?]

One of my most favorite items is the "Paradise Blanket".  Unfortunately, it came with a very high LI Rose.  Luckily, you can unlink the rose petals, remove the rose, etc.  If not...that would have been bad.  

On the other hand, the "builds" that this same "Paradise Blanket" rezzes are all "no mod".

 

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

10 minutes ago, Garnet Psaltery said:

@Love Zhaoying I can see you've put a lot of thought and effort into this but you seem to have forestalled some discussion by providing so many examples and suggestions in your first posting that there doesn't seem to be much left to say.  I'm not saying I agree with it all, and I think some of it is misguided.  I just think it's overwhelming. 

Thank you! You're the second to provide similar feedback, so definitely I could have (and probably should have) split the OP into an initial post and a second post with some examples, etc.

10 minutes ago, Garnet Psaltery said:

I'm going to make my escape before someone else comes in and tells us all how to behave.

I hope you believe that I am sincere, when I say that my intention is to discuss "how to respond to others" (internally and with words) in such a way to "not escalate" things - the general concept being "do it kindly".  My intention is not at all to tell anyone "how to behave".  

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, Rowan Amore said:

I can be sincere without being nice or kind.  If someone brings up a subject, my response will always be my sincere opinion. 

Great point!

I suppose that I could turn that around, and say - unless I am being "sarcastic" or "disingenuous to be funny", then if I am being insincere - that's not very kind.  

On a personal note, I do wish people believed me when I am being "sincere".  But, I can't always help that.

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

Ok, since discussion is mostly about "Forum" behavior (and *gasp* my own LOL), I'll give an example from Second Life.

This follows example #2 in the OP.

Someone who seemed nice enough, kept asking various questions about RL,  including:

What church do you go to?

Why do you go to church?

..things like that.

By that point, they had already been asking about / talking about RL stuff for awhile.

How did I respond? I believe that I said something like, "I am not comfortable talking about that" - then they asked "Why?".   In the end, I blocked them.

Where they "innocent"? Probably.

Did I need to "block them"? No.

What could I have done differently?  I could have answered their "why?" and just been persistent in not discussing RL things.  I think they would have taken the "direct statement" that I did not want to discuss it.

In this example, the hard part - to ME - is answering that first "why?" with kindness, instead of feeling "put upon" and just being "mad".

 

[Unlimited Texture Changing Single Prim Script?]

4 minutes ago, Quistess Alpha said:

I didn't happen to see that particular shuttle, but the idea of teleports and chat links in dialog boxes reminded me of this old thing I figured out:

 

I took a peek, and was surprised that llRequestInventoryData() (https://wiki.secondlife.com/wiki/LlRequestInventoryData) is still only for Landmarks!

I had assumed llRequestInventoryData() was for other things too.

 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, ValKalAstra said:

If they keep triggering my fight instinct, I put them on block and let them keep going.

I definitely think this seems to be the only "sane" option, if someone pokes you repeatedly to "see what it do"!  Thanks!

This is why "you don't have to respond" was in so many of my examples. The next step being of course, "you don't have to read it in the first place". 

[A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)]

1 minute ago, Kathlen Onyx said:

Did ya want to use "thank you for your feedback" anymore?  If you want to change your behavior and find that it needs changing go right ahead.  Personally I hope no one changes their behavior because that is what GIVES US PERSONALITY!

Thank you, I did not consider that!