Using Skype, Voice, and Proving you're Female

[ZoeNordskov]

Okay....this is kind of a sensitive subject. When I first meet men, right off, they want proof I'm female. And they want me to Skype or use voice for sex -before I even get to know them.  I'm very uncomfortable using Skype, to me, it would make me feel very inhibited. And I need to get to know someone before cyber sex. Am I odd for feeling that way?  It just seems like ,"Hello, do you Skype and use voice when you have sex?"

 

Then, they want me to prove I'm female if I won't do these things. I send a picture. No, that won't do. They want me to talk. But the truth is that in RL I'm deaf, so I don't have all that great a voice -hence, no voicing or Skype.

 

Is this normal for men in SL?  I came here because I wanted to get away from my disability, but I feel forced into "reality" again. Are all men this way -wanting you to prove you're a female by Skyping and voicing?  Thanks.

[Freya Mokusei]

It's somewhat normal across the Internet as a whole, sorry to say. SL isn't special.

Turns out that some people believe it's useful to demand access into the private lives of [typically] women to resolve their own insecurities, and are willing to withold friendship as a way of encouraging women to cowtow and play their game. And it turns out, that sometimes, women fall for this, to their own detriment. There are many stories of women being shamed, blackmailed, doxxed or just criticised when they do give in to these requests (and receiving abuse when they don't).

As long as the perpetrators of this scam end up with folders full of spank-bank material they win, so it's easy to play the odds. The personal safety and comfort of the woman does not cross their mind at all, it's a purely acquisitional and selfish act.

Solution is to ignore these idiots, find a better quality of friend. Use this test as a qualifier - if people you meet play these games, tell them that you don't, and exit the conversation. The folks who play like this aren't reasonable people, and are frequently on a hair-trigger for dispensing abuse and criticism, especially of the conservative/bigot variety. There's nothing of value to lose by discarding such types.

That's what I do, and I'm not short of - far more reasonable, and far less self-serving - friends. There are many who don't play these pathetic games.

[Alwin Alcott]

give those a big finger ... you decide what you do and want.

I am sure there are many guys around who are the same in it as you.

SL is no dating or FB.

[Jazleen Raynier]

Hiya. I always get a bit of a giggle when asked to do any of these, If, for enstance it's a male, which is more normal thing cos I am female - I checked my bits this morning and most def a woman - But on how to deal with your decisions always remember it is your choice and if someone stats to push you then I would question their motives and incentive. You are your own person and what you respect about yourself should never be questioned. I someone goes on and on about it and you're saying no then remove them from your friends list them, mute them - someone who truly wants to be with you then none of that should make a difference but don't feel being pushed is acceptable.

[Dresden]

---

ZoeNordskov wrote:

I feel forced into "reality" again.

---

No one can be forced into anything in SL.  If anyone makes you feel that way, you don't need them in your second life.  Unless you choose to disclose such information, it's simply none of anyone's business who or what you are in RL.  Let people know when you're uncomfortable revealing what they're asking you to reveal and, if they insist, simply tell them where to get off.  And rest assured that there will be dozens upon dozens of other people with whom you'll be able to interact in SL who don't require an arm and a leg in order to say hello.

...Dres

[Bitsy Buccaneer]

You're not odd or the only one. They're looking for women they can bully.

They're probably also chancing, playing the odds by pestering lots of women in hopes of finding one or two. That scattergun approach means that it will seem like the creeps are a higher percentage than they really are. There aren't necessarily all that many of them, they're just more likely to IM random women.

When you run into one, just shrug it off and move on. Mute them if need be, or TP away for a few minutes. Or you can invite them to my shop, say I'm your building alt and watch them try to pretend to be interested in ancient art and history. If you don't know anything, just make it up. :matte-motes-smile:

Do what works best for you to remind yourself that you are in control of your side of the encounter. My art history lessons work well because they completely reframe the situation. Trying to argue with the bulliers doesn't because it's playing into their power game.

[Madelaine McMasters]

Hi Zoe,

Sadly, men do not ask me to voice verify. Some of them have asked me to go away, though. I think that's because I often carry a blowtorch. I have been text chatting since 1987, so it's a hard habit to break. I don't have as much time to appear intelligent when I'm speaking, so I try to avoid it.

I'm in agreement with the others here. You're in control, so stay in control. If someone makes a request you don't wish to fulfill, don't fulfill it. Turn them down politely and if you get blow back, set them on fire. I'll send you a blowtorch next time I'm in-world.

;-).

[Jasmyn Vaher]

Sadly, most men populating SL are this way (Not all, but most) and sadly too, in the last years and thanks to the "faceboking" process promoted and encouraged by LL, SL has become a dating site of sorts. Anyhow, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And you don't even need to give explanations. Mute, defriend and leaving to somewhere else in the grid is IMO the  best possible answer to unwanted requests

[Rhonda Huntress]

On one hand I understand their skepticism.  There are so many men playing as women in SL that it is a tired old joke by now.  However, they almost universally play lesbians so I am not sure what scares the straight men so much.  Also, the ratio of female to male avatars is so out of whack I can't see it happening all that often for them to worry about it.

 

I never cared for voice to begin with since it always feels like raiding again.  Voice sex with random peeps on the webz?  Oh hell no.  How can anyone keep from laughing when it sounds like you are calling tech support?

 

It's your life and your limits.  Do not compromise your standards for the sake of bullies.  If they want to think you are a man because of it, so what? They have just proven they are unwilling to accept you as you are so how long would that relationship last anyway?

[wherorangi]

i think that is ok for guys to ask and confirm that female avatars are RL female before they get intimate. As it is ok when women ask female avatars if they are actual women before they get intimate. As is female on male, and male on male

in any case we can refuse to respond to requests for proof. Is ok to refuse, and is ok when the person asking then walks away. Is also ok to refuse and then walk away ourselves

when we do find people online who get this, then they also get that relationships are about trust. And we always end up in a good relationship with them. If we dont trust the person we are engaging with then there is no relationship. Its just cybering

[Madelaine McMasters]

---

Rhonda Huntress wrote:

How can anyone keep from laughing when it sounds like you are calling tech support?

 

---

What about those of us who have a tech support fetish?

I swoon whenever a Geek Squad Beetle passes me on the freeway.

[Rhonda Huntress]

Erro, dis iz rune-duh.  Ow may uh elp jew?

[Madelaine McMasters]

You're not really a tech support representative, so that's not playing fair. Nevertheless, it's working.

...swoons.

 

[Rhonda Huntress]

"Good afternoon, thank you call the Information Service Desk.  This is Rhonda; may I have your user ID please?"

... clicky clicky clicky" ..

"Thank you, Madelaine, what may I help you with today?"

... listens ...

" umm, khakis ..."

 

 

[VanillaSunsets]

Sadly this is what SL has become over the years. When SL was a new world there was more respect for privacy and asking for any RL information was "not done" and I have to agree I liked it better that way. But it is what it is.... don't feel like you are forced into anything, don't feel anything, not even flattered ;-)

It is fine to ignore these requests, most of these "men" are sad losers. If they want to be certain they caught a real living and breathing female, maybe they should hunt for their preys in a RL bar or club. But they don't and ask yourself why they don't. That says it all if you ask me.

You may want to put a bit of text in your profile telling these gentlemen that you do not voice nor Skype, that may discourage 50% of the losers. Still some will ignore that or just not even take the time to read your profile before IM-ing you. Again, that says enough.

You may also try to find friends in other places where there is more respect for females, plenty of places for that. This sounds a bit like you have to change your ways coz others around you do not know how to treat a lady but in the long run it might be worth it. It would be a shame if you would stop logging into SL coz it makes you feel uncomfortable, coz that it can result into. 

I agree with you that SL should and can be a medium where all boundaries and disabilities are wiped away. And you should use it that way. Don't let this stop you in any way!

 

[BilliJo Aldrin]

I rarely meet guys that ask me to voice to prove i'm a woman. If they ask if I voice i tell them only with very close friends, and that the chance of us becoming that close are so near to zero as to not even be worth considering the possibility.

If they persist, i point them to the line on my profile that says:

"I'm living my second life, not yours"

 

[Talligurl]

They just want to use you for 15 minutes of fun and then they are going to move on to the next conquest anyway, you don't need that **bleep** girl. I don't voice, skype, or cam either, there are plenty of people out there who will be friends with you if you don't, and that's what you want anyway, friends who will care about you, not to be some jerks 15 minutes of fun. Just be yourself, ahng out in places with plenty of people and don't let the assholes get to you. This is your Wonderland don't let anyone tell you how to live it.

[JoJo Aurelia]

Freya that was so beautiful written, nothing else needs to be said. Ty

[AleniaBryhana]

i kick those asses hard in thir asses most just try to get access to your private info to hack your acount

never disclosure and no cam because most of them just place it on malicious sites kisss

[angeliclightning]

I've been in SL for over 9 years and it's not just men that often want to talk in voice to make sure someone is who and what they say they are, it goes both ways.  I don't agree with the pushing for voice simply because of sex, that irritates me to no end.  However, I had a relationship with someone that said they were a male, they gave this long elaborate back story about having had a car accident and their trachea being crushed as to why they couldn't speak in voice and I never doubted them.  But, the day came when they were tired of pretending to be a man (their words, not mine) and they ended things and they admitted that they were a female in FL.  Then they just walked away without a care as to how that had affected me.I'm not interested in women beyond friendship, I had mentioned that when we first met and they said that is why they lied.  Some people feel it's perfectly acceptable to lie simply because they want someone. 

I've also had an ex come back on alts and try and start up a new relationship with me, even had someone come on pretending to be a FL friend of someone I was involved with to tell me they had passed away in FL then nearly a year later they came back and said they did it because they felt it would be easier for me to handle their "dying" than the fact their wife had given them an ultimatum and they had to choose their FL relationship over their SL one.  So, yes, I require speaking in voice before I will even consider going beyond a 3rd date with man, if they don't wish to voice, that's okay, I'm not going to push, but, it does mean I won't ever be anything more than a friend to them.

A lot of people lie here and they do so easily and with absolutely no remorse, sometimes you have to protect yourself and I honestly don't think it's a lot to ask for someone to say hello in voice for ease of mind, unless they are lying or hiding things from their FL, in which case you needed to know that upfront anyway before you invested your heart and time to someone who just see's things as a "game" or a place to come to get away from reality for a bit. 

I wish you could just trust people and take them at their word, I used to, but, to many liars and manipulators have now ruined that and I really hate that.  Things were so much easier years ago, I often wish I could have my rose colored glasses back and see through the eyes of the girl I was when I first started SL.

[Nalytha]

I spoke with a friend yesterday who was genuinely upset to find out that a girl who has been flirting with him for weeks is in fact male. He didn't even find this out firsthand, he found it out through someone else.

 

I honestly don't trust anything anyone tells me about themselves on the internet. Which isn't so bad since I'm not seeking any relationships other than the platonic sort. I just can't imagine the pain of falling for someone only to find out they have been lying to you.

 

I am sorry you went through that, Angel.

[Madelaine McMasters]

---

Nalytha wrote:

I honestly don't trust anything anyone tells me about themselves on the internet.

---

So you don't believe I'm nefarious?

Perfect.

;-).

[Kelz Spiegel]

Its normal..their is so many as ive seen..women avi's who are actually men in rl and that makes aot of men leery of "who's behind the avi"  SL has become a haven of sex sex sex its actually quite sad.

[Codex Alpha]

Wow, a lot of anger and judgment against men on this topic

Yet, regardless of your opinion on this matter, it is still a legitimate concern for many, since anyone can pose as a male or female - and your 'rp' partner wants to know. It's not a demand, it's not unreasonable, and it is fair to ask.

This also is not only a womens issue - each gender takes risks having relationships of all sorts over the internet, and can equally be exploited, recorded, filmed, dox'd and shamed.

If either party doesn't want to expose themselves with mic, video or images - they don't have to and kindly move on.

[Quinn Lysette]

sending a pic wont do since u can get a pic from anywhere online