Lonely in SL?

[BloodyKitty230]

Okay so I have been in SL on an off since I was seventeen, of course before in the teen grid of SL before being moved into the adult one. While I have traveled around to different locations, whether or not they had residents in it I always felt a bit lonely. 

I'm sort of thinking the reason why I feel lonely is because I'm always too shy to approach one person or a few people and say hi, or that I feel like they wouldn't like me right off the bat (which usually people don't like someone RIGHT away). But I've always felt lonely despite trying to do things that I enjoy.

[Ren Toxx]

Is there any specific, demonstrable reason why people won’t like you? Don’t answer in terms of “feelings”, but of actual, objective reasons. If there’s any, perhaps it’s something you can tackle on your own, but whether you succeed at it or not, consider also that everyone has flaws, no one with even a tenth of a brain would limit themselves to liking only 100% perfect people –because they’d find none. Leave to others whether to accept you or not, don’t rob them of the opportunity by unilaterally deciding that they won’t even before they had a chance to speak. And no, waiting ’till they open IM to you won’t be enough, as your experience so far has proven; you need to take that step yourself as often as you’d like others to take it, if not more, or else your chances of meeting likeable people won’t improve, at all.

 

That out of the way, there’s still the matter of whether you’ll “connect” with everyone you’ll try speaking to. Obviously you won’t, sometimes it’ll be because they’re jerks not worth your time, but other times it’ll just be a lack of common ground... so, another way to improve your chances is to go to specific places and engage in specific activities that you really like... don’t merely go to social places such as chat hotspots or venues where you’re expected to go purely on your social skills... rather, and at least at first, engage in things that you’re truly interested and/or skilled, because you’ll be more confident then, and this will be the “boost” you need when it comes to socializing –and of course you’ll have more to talk about with others, instead of resorting to talk about the weather, or the “hi, how are you?” that you probably fear will get you exactly nowhere.

It might... no, actually, it will take time... weeks, months, whatever, ’till you get the hang of it and discover that you’re nowhere as uninteresting or as unlikeable as you thought, and that a surprisingly large amount of people will be more than willing to talk with you, some of them frequently and eventually becoming friends that’ll make your SL days less lonely. But it’ll happen.

 

And finally, consider that SL is the perfect ground for you to grow socially. It’s possible that in RL you’d be even more shy because of the “face to face” element, the additional difficulty in feeling completely in control of what you convey (verbal and non-verbal behaviour, looks, etc.), but in here you have a narrower set of such things to worry about: no one will hear you stammer because you’ll be typing (usually, at least –you can leave voice chat to when you feel more confident), no one will see you fidgeting or averting eyes because your avatar won’t do that unless you go to great lengths to make it do that, etc. It’s safer, and that will help you.

 

But try. There’s no magic wand or button to “switch off loneliness”, and no matter how much you do it, merely acknowleding and / or complaining that you feel that way is not going to make the feeling go away. That’ll only happen when you set things in motion.

[BloodyKitty230]

I'm not sure how to explain why people wouldn't like me I just feel like I'm not good enough for other people or that I'd be to much of a person that bothers other people with conversation or just to say hi. I mean I'll keep trying to get the guts to approach other people but so far it hasn't been working out.

If I gave off the vibe that I wanted to be perfect or make friends right away with every single person than I apologize for it! About going to places to do what interests me I usually try and find places like that but when I go there's not really many people at that time, which is a problem so sometimes I do rely on the hot spots but when I can I keep trying to look at places that'd be of interest, and doing the things I like too. 

Thanks for the help.

[Ren Toxx]

“I'm not sure how to explain why people wouldn't like me...”

Excellent! Seems you’re approaching the point where you’ll realize that you don’t know the reason because in fact there’s none. Of course I don’t know you, but really, in the vast majority of cases it’s just an irrational belief that “there may be something... dunno, but what if there is something, what if, what if...?”, rather than an awareness of anything specific. I just wanted to prod you into either confronting any specific reason, if there was one, or either get closer to acknowledging that there’s simply none, no matter how much you fear to the contrary. It’s something that you’ll first come to accept intellectually and later, hopefully, in a fuller way that will help you get rid of your fear of rejection. And know this: the more you try socializing, the more you’ll find that, surprisingly, people don’t find anything particularly wrong with you. (*)

 

“I mean I'll keep trying to get the guts to approach other people but so far it hasn't been working out...”

Didn’t work as in “I tried but some people rejected me”, or rather as in “I tried getting the guts, but failed, so I never got to actually approaching anyone?”. In my experience, these are two entirely unrelated issues, and the first one should be considered in a special way in SL because there are about a zillion ways in which you can misinterpret people in here... from them not answering you when you IM (not because they “rejected” you, but simply because they were AFK), to saying things in a dry or even “cold” manner when it’s just that many people don’t quite know how to convey the smile that they would give in RL for you to know that they didn’t meant it badly, etc. And if it’s the other, then go back to the “irrational belief” thing, because it’s most likely the only cause, and the solution is right there.

 

“... I usually try and find places like that but when I go there's not really many people at that time...”

You don’t need many, especially if the issue is just shyness. You’re not trying to be “the soul of the party”, so you don’t need an actual party: you’re just trying to get to terms with the fact that people might like you just fine. That’s why a place where you can more easily “connect” with people because of shared interests, even if there’s few of them, will probably be better than a place with forty people none of which you dare open an IM because, among other things, you don’t even know what to chat about ;-)

 

 

* Oh, and btw... these are not platitudes or extracts from “personality building” books I’m telling you, nor am I trying to come off as some sort of “therapist”. I’m talking from actual, personal experience ;-)

[LlewLlwyd]

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BloodyKitty230 wrote:

I'm not sure how to explain why people wouldn't like me

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I think the clue is in the name . . .

[BeautifulDiscordia]

D: I'm the same way! One of my biggest challenges I've had in SL is meeting people.. /.\ 

You can chat with me InWolrd if you'd like! BeautifulDiscordia

 

**Sorry for randomness below**

Although, BloodyKitty being your name doesn't make much sense why people wouldn't talk to you either.. Discordia means Discord in Latin but how it's used is for Eris the Goddess of Chaos, Strife and Discord.. Kind of a play on words in the end meaning chaos and distruction is a beautiful thing.. 

[ZoeTick]

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BeautifulDiscordia wrote:

 

Although, BloodyKitty being your name doesn't make much sense why people wouldn't talk to you either.. Discordia means Discord in Latin but how it's used is for Eris the Goddess of C

haos, Strife and Discord.

. Kind of a play on words in the end meaning chaos and distruction is a beautiful thing.. 

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And everyone knows that females are contradictory and fickle anyway.