I'm back with another TMI post. WOO.
I have major depression, anxiety, and avoidant personality disorder. I am also transgender and have ADHD. I've been fighting for two years to get medication again for my ADHD and having to deal with the constant swap of medications and dosages for the other things so that my anxiety doesn't end up so high I go back into OCD mode a second time. There's other stuff that's tied into it all but I've found out over the years that there's only so many things you can share with others before they think you're some stereotypical tumblr freak or must be lying to get that welfare $$. Which, I may add, is hell to get in - deal with - and get out, and I'm ashamed in needing government assistance because of the way people view it. Without it I wouldn't be able to afford a single medication, so, ***** me, right? I did the whole work thing earlier this year after my papa died. I had the great honor of being told that if I made more than like, 16k a year, I'd get booted out the window. I was making maybe 500 a GREAT paycheck and I was working as many hours as I could possibly mentally handle in order to max out what hours I could take before I hit the hour cap for the week! 28 hours and I didn't have the privilege of getting assigned a full 28 hours each week!! I maxed out at 18 a few times! 216 bucks before they take withholdings!
I chose to be none of these things, and god the amount of people I've met that insist that they're choices and I just need to man up and get over it... drive me up the wall! Oh, I did exercise and that made it so much easier for me to go out and talk to people. That's great, exercise helps me keep my weight down in contrast with the side effects from my medicine, but doesn't really do much more for me other than wear me out and make me want to go back to sleep. I didn't choose to struggle with insecurity so bad I sabotage my own relationships when stress gets too great, and I sure as hell didn't choose to feel like I have episodes where my skin doesn't fit or I suddenly get bombarded with I feel like I'm filthy and NEED to drop what I am doing and immediately go shower.
My panic attacks cause me to go blind because my eyes won't focus and make me want to bail out of the area I'm in immediately. I go mute and I can't talk when I'm upset. I ghosted my ex and friends after my papa died in May because I spent the last 5 years taking care of him as a caregiver and couldn't cope with the fact he's no longer here with me every day and it became too much to handle with everything else. I'm not proud of any of it, and I'm not trying to excuse what I did, but christ. I don't want any of this and I've been trying so hard and it's just defeating when you see people who are like "Well if you do this you can get over it..." or don't consider it a *****ing mental illness because it doesn't meet their standards or ideas of what the hell qualifies as a illness.
Without the medications I'm on now, I wasn't functional. I "existed" and that was about it. I can't tell you how many times I didn't go to a college class or an important appointment because I couldn't even step outside my house or get enough brain together out of the fuzz in my head to get ready. Hell, I'm still barely functional and I'm on five medications and we're still trying to figure out which dosages and what kind of medicines work for me and what aren't and then how to make sure they don't conflict with each other. I'm not proud of that number, and I'm not bragging. I'm able to converse with people online and go out for groceries once a week or meet my therapist or whatever but I still get burnt out or have days where either all I want to do is sleep because there's no point in being awake or I just have no interest in... anything.
Medicine can increase suicidal thoughts, yeah, that's a side effect. It's one of the things you're warned about that you NEED to talk to your psychiatrist or whoever if you start having them so they can adjust the dose or remove the medication altogether. Medicine works different for everybody. Wellbutrin, for example, works great for my family but my best friend and my ex both ended up briefly institutionalized due to suicide attempts because of it. The difference for me between before and after medication is I no longer TRY to commit suicide. I get suicidal feeling, but I can back myself down rather than feeling like I'm teetering on the edge.
My ex has DID. Mostly his alters are fictives. Many of them were made in response to trauma or because he could not function without them. His main, was a supportive one, and that alter was the one that dealt with the real world. There were several I barely or never saw because he was never comfortable enough to let them take over. "Oh hurr hurr I kin as a rock XD XD XD" garbage that infests most peoples minds when they think of multiple personalities. That, or if someone has DID they're immediately Kevin from SPLIT and are an uncontrollable mess just waiting for the opportune moment to pop.
God. I remember we got kicked from his former "friend group" because I had the audacity to get pissed at someone telling me that "i just thought I was a guy" and then upgraded to manipulative in their eyes because I got extra mad when I had to listen to my ex's DAD YELLING AT HIM FOR FOUR MINUTES about "You just think you're a guy you are a WOMAN and need to stop living in fantasy land grow up" like it was some thing we can just flip the switch on. Through my relationship with him, I found that people are extra assholes when you are transgender and have DID, because they believe you're faking it because "surely it just must be one alter that feels that way".
Anyway, I feel like I've spewed too much when trying to add my own two lindens to this thread. Here's a hamster with a lollipop for people to enjoy.