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Everything posted by LexxiXhan

  1. Watch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7n99RgdoWA
  2. Erm...kinda...I have what I need to manage and monitor symptoms at home, and they've taken enough blood and samples to continue investigating and call me in for outpatient appointments as and when. The last 5 days have been pretty brutal, with an average of 2 hours sleep per night. I'm grateful and humbled by all the loving support I've had from people (including here!)...and pretty exhausted! I'll try to catch up a bit more in the next few days. In the meantime, love and hugs to all xx
  3. The motorised hospital bed I'm in has just started giving me quite the sensuous butt massage. And no, I don't yet know when I'll be going home.
  4. They decided to keep me in overnight, to continue tests and scans tomorrow. I managed a couple of hours sleep before being woken at midnight for another blood pressure check (even higher than before), followed shortly after by a different medication. They'll be back to check its effect on bp soon, so I guess it's reassuring they're trying to find something that helps. It's hopeful the loss of vision in my eye won't be permanent. It seems like it might trace back to January when my emotional stress levels and survival threats kinda peaked, and progressed from there. Recent stuff hasn'
  5. Am in hospital now. In CDU. I've been poked and prodded (not in the fun way), interrogated several times, all the tests (CT, BP, ECG etc) with more to come, some kid just stole a load of blood right out of my arm, had a heart specialist called in, more tests threatened.. I wish I'd brought a book..
  6. Waiting on a call to go into hospital (not covid-related). I'd been thinking my eyesight had generally worsened a bit and planned to get it tested after lockdown. But then a week ago I realised I'd lost my central vision in my left eye. Yesterday I had a phone appointment with a GP who told me to either get an emergency appointment with an optometrist or go to A&E (ER). Had an appointment this morning and the optometrist has referred me to hospital to have the underlying cause investigated based on what he found. I tested my blood pressure with a kit I have at home, and the resul
  7. Honestly, I'd just go somewhere comfortable, like a makeshift bed-nest, and stream things to watch on whatever laptop, phone or device I have available.
  8. Thank you to those who reminded me this is somewhere I can check in, even if I'm absorbed with things elsewhere ❤️ I'm feeling a lot more stable after a rocky few days, and hitting a point of overwhelm that forced me to acknowledge what I can't control and accept the impact of everything that's been happening, and just trying to let it all wash over me, ride the swell, and hope for the best. I think I've found a safe shore, or at least enough of something to hold onto, thanks to the subtle pokes and reaching out of friends who are going through their own experiences. Sometimes just an off
  9. Finally hit the point of accepting that this week has been mentally and emotionally exhausting, with seismic ripples going back 30 years, and there's nothing I can do to change that. Send nothing.
  10. The more I get to know the people I love, the more I learn to see and soothe their cracks and wounds, or just be in awe of the beauty and grace with which they've kept going. Hugs to you too x
  11. *Hugs* Seeing so many posts across all social media, people talking about their families, makes me so conscious of it, especially now. I basically just have my kids (who are with me at the moment ❤️ ) and an aunt I'm not that close to. My 'chosen family' consists of a few RL friends and people I've become close to online, and they and my kids are the people that keep me going 💕
  12. Thank you for asking. Made me cry xx In short, there's a reason I didn't speak to my father for 20 years. After my brother's suicide I thought he'd learnt something, been jolted out of his self-serving delusion...because he was saying the right words and helping me out here and there...and to come to terms and allow myself to accept that possibility has been *****ing hard, moments convincing myself to have faith in him while in dangerous ideation and there were no other options, letting him be the one to save my life in that instance, and those little moments he's come through for me, the
  13. 1994 "you're outnumbered because we're all here and we ain't going anywhere" 🏳️‍🌈
  14. Going through some pretty awful ***** at the same time as having embraced every sense of stillness I can find in the current circumstances to immerse in transformation, growth and acceptance. World's trippy.
  15. Update: the Crush is now the ex Crush and we're all still friends
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