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SurrenderAnn

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  1. Hey there, Yes, friendship IS possible when you are not interested in the "sexual" or "dating" side of things, but in my experience, it has been harder to find and takes more time to develop. For the 4 years I have been on SL I have never been interested in the dating side of it. While my profile has never said so, if a man approached me wanting more than just a regular dance or conversation, I have always told him flat out that I am married in RL and am just on SL for friendship. I have actually made friends with men who are also married in RL like I was, simply because I have told them this simple truth straight up. There have also been other men who I have developed friendships with that then come to me with all their SL relationship issues. I become like their go-to buddy when they have problems LOL. What I have found more difficult to develop is friendship with other females. Most seem more interested in getting dates than in making friends with other women, although I do have one very good female friend on SL as well who I have been friends with all 4 years of my time there. Just be honest with people from the get go. Honest, yet friendly.
  2. Calista said: "You're still telling your story whenever the opportunity presents itself, again now in your replies to our responses to you. You need to LISTEN vs. HEAR the opinions/advice offered to you and yes, even the judgments that were passed by some people." I have a feeling YOU'RE not really "listening" either. You're just complaining because I am trying to explain something to some people who might not quite understand. I don't have a problem with people not understanding but I do have a problem when people still fail to listen. And why am I pointing this out to you? Because I used to sit EXACTLY where you are now and say the same **bleep** to people like me. And did. So it goes to show we are ALL vulnerable, and maybe should NOT be so judgemental. I may have appreciated what you had to say if I felt you were listening in the first place. Not all your advice is bad. But its the way you act about giving it that is very disappointing. I am sure you or somebody like you will come back and flame me some more. I was only trying to make a point about what happened to me. Did I expect to get judged? Maybe a little, but really not to the extent that some people have done here. This discussion is now not even about the story the thread was concerned with anymore. Its now about whether somebody cheated and then pointed fingers at somebody else? Or whether their marriage needs to fixed or not? Again NOT listening......... I am done now. Not coming back here to read this stuff. Its stupid already.
  3. Sadly, sometimes love happens to us when we are not looking. Sadly, it can happen when we are married to other partners. SL, unfortunately, makes acting on those feeling alot easier than if it ever happened to RL. And sadly, that can lead to deeper feelings and the urge and temptation to see somebody RL. As somebody else pointed out on here, that is simply normal. Not necessarily right but normal. I am sure a year ago, I could have easily sat where you are, and say all those same things. But experience can change perspective. And I believe I DO have room to condemn him. While our relationship was not right, I truly did love this man. For me, it was about him, and the feelings I developed for him. And when things did not work out, there was simply no reason to pick up that same behavior with anybody else. It was a one time event for me, and I plan to keep it that way. For him, however, he dove right back into SL to find more women he could play with. And he played with MANY. His behavior makes me another toy in his toybox. He went right back into SL looking to repeat the same behaviors, knowing what they can lead to. Me, I retired from SL so I could regroup. I don't want to be in the position for this to happen again. It happened once, and I was not planning on even that once I do not wish for it to happen again. SL may be a dangerous place for me because I am obviously vulnerable there. I can see that now. When we do something wrong, all we can do is dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up, and try to learn from it and heal. I know I am not alone and am among many who have "cheated" because of a relationship that took them by surprise in SL. A few people on here said they were the spouses of those who have got caught up in this very same thing. THis stuff is alive and well. If you want to think I am being hypocritical, go for it. I don't really care. I am just pointing out that I stumbled upon something and learned from it. Particularly, that things do need to say in SL and when they don't well, there are many risks that can occur. That was one of the lessons I learned. As for my SL boyfriend, he still thinks he is invulnerable to the same risks as before... maybe he will prove me wrong. Time will tell.
  4. Check out Nikkita Freebies. It goes on forever! Many many floors! Also Freebies Dungeon has oodles of stuff. You will never have to use a Linden again LOL!
  5. Calista, I have not been on SL for a very long time due to the situation I have written about here. I am NOT interested in developing another situation like it in SL or RL. While I was in SL, I met numerous numerous people who were in RL marriages and were having sex in SL, partnering in SL, etc. Some people here say if married, you have no business taking it into the RL. Hmmm, if married, should anybody be doing it in SL ??? I stayed clean for 4 years in SL. Turned down numerous men. For years. Sometimes **bleep** just "happens." You are right, my marriage is not fulfilling. However, I was not seeking to cheat. It was something I fell into. People who are married can accidently fall in love with others. It happens.every day. Actually, as time is going on, I am less and less interested in even being with the SL man I mentioned in my post. He is still on there, while married in RL, cheating repeatedly, and now has another girlfriend. I really have lost respect for him. As time goes on, I am coming back into my own self, and now I feel like an idiot for ever agreeing to take my Sl relationship RL, let alone have that SL relationship to begin with. I feel like I somehow got stuck under a spell, and I am finally getting out of it. There are alot of people on here who seem to find it easy to judge and condemn what I have done. But, please, oh please, try walking in MY shoes first, before you ever do that. You can NEVER judge anybody unless you have walked in their shoes. I am glad I got my story out somewhere. Where else but on an SL forum w here people understand what the hell SL even is? I am getting tired of retelling it. The wound is not as fresh. I am waking up to life again. I do appreicate some of the commnents on here that were not so condeming. Some people were very straightforward, but without condeming. Those are the people I tend to listen to: honest, objective, non-judgement types.
  6. Hi Let;'s not even get as far as the "living together" stage. If you meet somebody in SL and then take the relationship to RL, and it stabelizes as a RL relationship, then going back to SL and developing yet another relationship there at the same time just wouldn't be right in my book. Here is what happened to me. I met somebody in SL and he became my SL boyfriend. We eventually took it into RL and stopped being on on SL. It did not work out in RL due to RL problems. We probably should have left it in SL.... In any case, we decided our relationship would work best as a phone relationship. We spoke on the phone about every other day and texted eachother often. He called me his girlfriend and told me he loved me. Next thing I know, he is back on SL messing around (no girlfriend yet, but just messing around). That alone caused problems for me. He did not even want to be with me on SL anymore... wanted to keep me seperate because he did not want to get tempted to see me again in RL due to the RL problems we had had. Next thing I know, he has a new girlfriend on SL, yet claims he still oves me in RL and is my boyfriend. My head still spins to this day. So, to then shorten my really long answer - Yes it is wrong for one of the people to go and get another relationship going in SL. History can repeat itself from there on out, and it can end up in RL just like your SL relationship did.
  7. I know this is an older topic, but I will add my stats here for your knowledge. I was in a regular ol' SL relationship that was not roleplay at all - I was my RL self in SL and he was his RL self in SL. Prior to us meeting in RL (which I believe was a mistake now), we were together in SL for roughly 3 months with the last 2 weeks of that time being partners. The partnership went on for another 4 months but I am not going to count it because those 4 months were spent actually having a 100% RL relationship. I don't know the length of how long it would have gone if we'd just stayedin SL, but I have a feeling I would have gotten bored and frusturated within another few months unless we changed and grew past some things. He wanted to have SL sex alot and honestly, I was getting bored of it. That is one of the reasons I wanted us to get into RL, to see if that would be better.... it was at first. Then it wasn't. Now you have my stats.
  8. Hi, and interesting answer. Interestingly, I am not even back in SL these days because I have no wish or desire to repeat history and cheat agian on my RL husband in any form. Yes, the RL hubby has been mainly missing in the story because I am focusing on the guy in SL in this particular post (one can only write so much). But I do have to tell you, I was on SL for four years before this stuff went down, and avoided many many opportunities to be with other men on SL due to having a RL hubby. Some use SL as a platform as a way to do whatever they please because they are not getting what they want out of RL, including cheating on RL spouses repeatedly. I was not one of those. I told many men no, sorry I am married in RL. Meanwhile, the SL man I am speaking of, was using SL as his personal candy store to trick or treat in because he is not intimate with his wife in RL. I did not know this when I met him, nor do I really care what most others do in SL anyways. My SL man and I were friends for forever, and talked about our spouses, etc. for many weeks before anything happened between us, and when it did, it was not planned or expected. As many of you know on SL, things can escalate on people before they are aware it is happening. Yes, There ARE shortcomings in both of our marriages, and that is how we ended up allowing the relationship to take off when the opportunity arose. We both felt guilty about it, more so when we brought it to RL. Now that it is over, I am refusing to ever let this happen again, and he is already on there, repeating history with a new girlfriend. I am pretty certain he will be asking to call her on the phone shortly and become facebook friends with her, etc. all the things he did with me. When he and I first met, he was adamant about keeping it all in SL, but it was he who initiated the suggestion to call eachother, and he who instigated the Facebook friendship. The RL meeting idea was mutual. While I cannot blame him anymore than i can blame myself for the past, I do find it interesting how we are each treating the scenario going forward - him refusing to be with me in SL while he continues to cheat on his RL wife there, and me wanting to be with him on SL, but if I cannot be with him, I am not interested in repeating history like that in any form.
  9. Hi Tari, Regarding what you wrote here: I also won't say anythign bad about the guy in the OP's case, because, I can actually see merit to his suggesting they avoid an sl relationship, because, he, clearly, notices there is an issue that *both* of them are likely to ignore and give into even when they should not. Whether or not he goes around finding another "new love" doesn't matter to me. I actually think he's using his head, as far as sl is concerned, even if keeping phone contact is as stupid as it gets(so, he lacks common sense in that right). I can't understand why the OP is hurt by this. I can understand being hurt that things did not work out, but being hurt that he does not want an sl relationship with her, doesn't make sense, when the reason to avoid such a thing will protect them both. It almost seems silly to suggest one should be hurt by the very basic common sense in use there. Though, The one thing about this, is that my SL guy never even said anything to me about his decision to go back to SL and not be with me there. Since he still wanted me in his life, clearly, by continuing to talk to me on the phone and text me regularly, and claimed he still loved me, I would have thought he would have discussed his feelings about SL with me, at the very least before going back there. It would have been totally fine for me to not see him in RL. As far as I was concerned, a RL relationship with him was now off the table, since it obviously was not going to work for us. I would have been perfectly content to keep it in SL. Sure, I would have loved to see him in person again someday, but I would have respected the boundries, and made sure he did too. When he went back to SL, he only thought of himself, and his own issues. He never took my feelings into consideration. We had been through alot together in the past year before he did this, including writing a book together and publishing it on Kindle. I had helped one of his familiy members out with some career issues. We had more than just a fling thing going on, I assure you. To me, his decision to not be with me in SL any longer may have been to protect us on one level, but I believe it was very selfish on another level. As somebody else on this forum said, if you love somebody enough, you are willing to work through the obstacles around it, regardless of circumstances. It is a matter of personalies being different, rather than the circumstances being difficult. I am all about that.
  10. Freya, you had the wisest answer I could ask for. Wow. Love it. Thank you for your words of wisdom. And I agree - he prefers an escape without the risk or pressure of anything RL. Those were his words as well. It just hurts, you know?
  11. People talk about transferring their SL relationship into a RL relationship all the time. I think it is only natural, when you fall in love with somebody on SL and become very close to them, to be very curious about them in RL. Esspecially if you are spending all kinds of time with them on SL. There are some great stories about people making a very successful transfer from SL to RL. People have gotten married in RL because they met in SL. Its awesome when this happens. I am totally pro when it comes to successful love connections in RL. But please remember, just because your relationship is AMAZING in SL, it does not guaruntee at ALL that you will be able to succeed as a relationship in RL! Here are some of the reasons why: 1) In RL you are two very different ages. While in SL, you appear the same age, and can connect beautifully, this is not always the case in RL. Can a 24 year old and a 42 year old really work in RL? Certainly not as easily as in SL? How about a 48 year old and a 66 year old? Same deal. 2) in RL one or both of you is married. While this may not necessarily stop you from forging ahead and having an affair in RL or even divorcing your original spouse to be together in RL, neither of these options is really a good idea. If you find eachother in SL, and you're both married, I would certainly advise keeping it in SL if you can. One or both of you can get terribly burned and hurt in RL if you bring it out of SL. 3) Distance. It is just that simple. It's great you're in love with somebody in Australia while you live in the United States. But unless somebody is willing to move oceans away, just how do you expect this relationship to work long term in the RL? And until you are really "together" in the RL, how do you know you will really get along? This one is truly risky. 4) Basic chemistry. On SL, we see a beautiful set of pixels. We cannot smell their scent, or taste them, or touch them. Unless we voice, we don't know how they sound. Once you see your SL love in RL, even if you have seen pictures of them before, the real live biological person may not be attractive to you at all, or vice verse. I am sure this has happened before. It can be very dissappointing. As for me, my story fits into category 2. Both me and my SL love were married in RL. In SL, our relationship was AMAZING. He was so perfect for me in every way. He knew how to treat me. He and I enjoyed eachother immensly. We spent time together every night for at least a couple of hours. Then we started talking on the phone, too, during the day. That went very well. We only lived a couple hours away from one another. Soon, the temptation to meet became very strong. After a while, we decided to make the leap. We were only going to meet for coffee. It turned out we connected very well on a RL level as well. Too well. Our relationship became a full blown RL affair. We had the chemistry. We had the RL connection. But we were each married to other spouses.. Please know I am not condoning our behavior. People just fall into things... In SL we started out as friends... I am not proud of this. But at the same time, I am just here to tell my story... Alas, eventually the fact that we had to cheat to see eachother became too much. My SL love decided he could not see me anymore in person, only by phone. It was very disappointing, but really was for the best. So, we started to just keep it to the phone. The next thing I knew, he told me he was back on SL. I thought this would be great. Why don't we just pick up where we left off there? I thought that should not be a problem. However, he disagreed. He did NOT want to see me on SL now. He said if he did, he'd be too tempted to want to see me again in RL. He said he'd be happy to talk to me when I come on SL, or maybe go dancing once in a while, but that was it. This hurt me very much. Then, to make it even worse, he went and met another person on SL that he started having feelings for. He totally replaced me on SL with somebody else. It left me feeling broken. He swore he loved me but he could not be with me on SL. HE still wanted me to his RL "girlfriend" on the phone, but in SL, he blew me off when I came on, and wanted to spend time having sex and being with somebody else. It broke my heart. WHo knows how long we would have lasted on SL had we stayed only in SL?? I don't know. But what we had there was so awesome. It was really special. And it was ruined due to seeing eachother in RL. So my advice...just be careful. Ever so careful. If you really love the person you have in SL, they just might be better off staying there...
  12. My two cents is that in order to sustain a relationship in SL is probably to keep it IN SL if possible. The more you transfer outside of SL to RL, the more it can change how you see that person IN SL. It is very possible to ruin an amazing SL relationship by seeing that other person in person. Not that seeing them in person cannot result in beautiful things.... My point is, it might then be very difficult to go back to just being together on SL. Now you KNOW that person first hand. Now they are REAL. For some, this does not matter. But for others, it does. And that is why I lost my best friend and one time SL lover.... we met in RL and clicked beautifully. The problem is, RL was not right for us to have the same kind of relationship due to our individual RL situations. We became simply phone friends for a while, but still loved eachother. Then he started going back on SL and fooling around. We had several discussions about trying again with eachother on SL but he never wanted to... said I was too REAL for him now and he would want me in RL again too much... it broke my heart. I cannot even go on SL as that particular AVI now because I miss him horribly. ....... I cannot say we'd still be together for sure if we'd only stayed on SL, but I do know we had something really great there and now I cannot get it back.
  13. I think we all have stories that are about addiction to SL or another game, which is why we are on this post. I am a current Sl gamer who was never much of an addict (maybe spent 30 minutes a night before going to bed wandering around with my avatar) until I met a man in Sl who stole my heart.. He was somewhat of an addict - spending his nights going back and forth between being on SL and spending time with his wife in the living room so she would not suspect what he was doing in his office (he kept SL a secret from her). Not only did this man who was married, as was I, steal my heart, but together we spent hours on SL each week. A couple hours at night and then probably 4 hours or more together on the weekends. Eventually we met in real life and became lovers and stopped going on SL altogther. Long story short, we decided not to cheat physically after a while and we became phone friends. Shortly after that he started going back onto SL but did not want to spend anymore time with me there because now i was too "real." Not only did he go back to being on SL and not wanting to spend time with me there, he was having sex on there, while calling me his girlfriend in RL, and while being married. THen he met another lady there and started falling for her, and told me about in RL as if it had no impact to my feelings...I guess he saw it as seperate somehow. I saw things for what they were - this man had a pattern of addiction. He would rather spend time in SL for hours with online strangers than live his RL. It was probably due to alot of frusturation and boredom, but still. I finally told him I could not talk to him anymore. It was just too hard to hear about his SL love life and be as in love with him as I was in the RL. I told him if he wanted to spend time wtih ME on SL to give me a call, or if he chose to give up SL to give me a call. He did not argue with me. Just told me he understood fully how I felt. And now he is still on SL doing what he did when I met him - picking up ladies for sex and as far as I know, he is probably getting closer and closer to that one lady he told me about...soon he will be phone friends with HER.
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