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Musetta Fieschi

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Posts posted by Musetta Fieschi

  1. 2 minutes ago, Walelu Summerwind said:

    I've been on this earth for longer than I care to admit... so I've seen my share of pain and have experienced a lot of pain too. But right now, at this moment, I am not caring about what you or anyone else has to say about this subject. It's like beating a dead horse. In my last post, I tried to convey my empathy for other peoples pain and struggles. I was turning off bit*ch mode, but, that's not good enough for you. So all I can say is bye bye and have a nice day.

    /me scrolls up to your previous goodbye. Promise?

    • Like 1
  2. 25 minutes ago, Walelu Summerwind said:

    It's a shame that all people can't enjoy second life with happiness every time they log on. I do understand that people bring their true selves to SL and do log on to find a sympathetic friend to listen to them. Their SL is RL, so, maybe it is therapeutic for unhappy or troubled people to use SL as a way to relieve some stresses. In my line of RL work, I am a hospice councilor and listen to peoples problems and fears all day and watch patients die, so, I'm real touchy about what others complain about. I see the big picture and to me, avatar pixel shaming is rather frivolous and silly. But to each their own...

    Everyone has their struggles. No one walks through this world without pain. And rarely do we share with others the true source of our hurts. But I wonder whether you recognize the irony in choosing to invest in what other people complain about. Most difficulties are champagne problems compared to dying. Including the annoyance of other people caring about their own problems even though they are not.

    I'm pretty choosy about with whom and where I invest my empathy, time and attention as well. And I make no bones about it. Everyone has that right. This is what I'm talking about. Your discomfort with others engaging in talking about a problem they're interested in is telling. So is your need to explain why you don't want to engage in dealing with people who talk about that problem (though that hasn't stopped you from engaging with people who talk about the problem); as though an explanation is warranted. It isn't. You can choose not to care whether people think they're being body-shamed in sl, just because you choose not to, no reason needed. It's your right.

    But instead, you feel some kind of way about it and feel the need to try and control what others care about, by telling them they aren't dying so you don't want to hear it. I do get it. But it's really okay to own not wanting to hear it, simply because you don't want to hear it. Others who work in your field feel differently. In fact, a friend of mine cares more about the more trivial concerns people have, simply because she's able to help in ways she really can't help people at work. You can choose not to. And you can do what you've done here;  choose not to...and complain about people complaining even though they aren't dying. 

    • Like 1
  3. 3 hours ago, Walelu Summerwind said:

    Are you serious???? I am callous for telling ppl to lighten up so that they will have an enjoyable SL experience??? Yes, I do like to please my friends because it brings pleasure to me. I don't mope around and whine about how ppl are body shaming my avatar in a virtual world.(weird) .. Maybe I'll create a fat, blue-haired, enormous glasses wearing avatar so I can experience this so called virtual body shaming thing that's being discussed.. who knows, maybe I'll love the misery and drama. But, no thanks. I'm a rational, mature person who doesn't give a lot of %#*@s about what ppl think of my avatar. There's way too much drama over stupid sh*t that doesn't really matter when looking at the big picture. SL is a lovely escape from reality where IF you happen to be body shamed in RL, you can be drop dead gorgeous in SL. Why bring your RL problems to SL when you don't have to? Don't bring low self esteem and victim hood to SL. They just don't mix well. Just be happy and have fun. That's not a hard thing to do on SL.. that is, unless you have emotional/mental issues in rl. Lighten up, don't be so serious about things that cannot happen in SL and just have fun.



    Don't bring your low self-esteem into sl??? Who knew self-esteem was a detachable accessory!


    14 hours ago, ThorinII said:

    I said some pages earlier that I do ridicule people with ridiculous caricatures of human avatars (like the "invisible pony rider", the carp mouths, the carrier arses, the giant boobs, or the male avatars with too short arms but muscles over muscles) -- however: I myself don't count this as body-shaming, simply because wearing these kinds of shapes on one's avatar is a choice one makes intentionally. If the person behind this avatar reacts offended by my sarcastic or ironic remarks about their avatar - well, their bad. They did intentionally choose to give their avatar this kind of shape after all, so they more or less asked for it. And to be honest, each shape of those newbie outfits in our library is way better proportioned than these caricatures of an avatar.

    In real-life though it's something entirely different, simply because nobody chooses their real-life body-shape intentionally. For example, overweight (which is most often the case with body-shaming) can be caused by an eating disorder (which almost never is a choice, no matter what some people say) or by some severe thyroid dysfunction (which absolutely never is an intentional choice either), and so on. So, there is absolutely no reason nor excuse for me to make remarks about others.
    However, what I do in RL is, I occasionally do question cases of very poor fashion taste (like, if someone wears an outfit where the parts don't match together at all, by all means), and even that only in private -- as in, 4 eyes only: that person and me -- and as cautious as I can. Because which clothes one wears usually is their own intentional choice, and choices can be questioned.

    A point which Thorinll illustrates beautifully. Of course, it's not. I'd say the need to give a hoot what other people do with their avatars and try to make them feel stupid proves it. Guess what, they're going to walk away from you and be fine. You're the one who continues to get bent out of shape over things that couldn't possibly concern you. Triggered much?

    On the issue of sociopathy. Being a jerk doesn't make a person a sociopath, it just makes them a jerk. There are a lot of people in the world who do not choose empathy as their means of entering the world. Often because they are themselves broken or damaged in some way. But they're still capable of empathy. People with antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths or psychopaths) are not. Being a jackass to people just because you can may be pathetic, but it's not a diagnosable disorder.

    • Like 2
  4. 1 hour ago, Darcy Kingmaker said:

    it's the intent of the bullies/shamers which counts here, not the fact that we are just pixels on a computer who can mute, log off tp away etc.

    the intent to cause another person (because there is a live person sitting at the computer) discomfort or shame that is what is counted.

    i never get upset when someone attempts to troll me , i ignore or mute, but that doesn't excuse their troll behavior, because my avatar is not real. 

    body shaming, racism etc it all exists in sl even if we are a virtual world

    Yes, it's the intent that matters. It's always fascinated me how some people feel the need to reach outside of their own lives in order to spend time, money and energy in an effort to make someone else feel bad. My feeling is that the tendency to do so here is the same impulse which causes people to participate in 'shaming' in real life. Not just lack of empathy...but a discomfort with themselves that is so strong, when they see people who embody whatever personal issue paining them, and that person seems happy or content; the shamer feels the need to try to transfer some of their own baggage onto the other person. An "i'm not okay that you've found a way to be at peace with yourself when i haven't figured out how to be at peace with myself. you should feel humiliated...let me help" reaction.

    The threshold for poor behavior is lower here and I've noticed people give themselves license to say and do things to others they would never have the guts to stand behind in real life. So in some ways the tendency to shame people is worse here than in rl. The only good thing is that the effect is often (though not always) mitigated by the fact we're not standing face to face with the perpetrator. Most of us are able to shine them on, particularly if they don't manage to hit on something that is a pre-existing hot button for us. 

    • Like 3
  5. The way I respond to griefers depends on my mood and the time of day. My reactions have probably run the gamut; from avoidance to going toe to toe in a pitch battle of words. The suggestions to simply avoid public sandboxes is totally sound. Unless you are in such a mood where you've already engaged with the person and leaving would make you feel like you're backing down and you don't want to.

    This is not one of those situations which is black and white. If the OP chooses to AR, keep them blocked and sit while at the sandbox, this is her right. Nothing wrong or weird about it. She asked for advice, took what worked for her and left the rest. She may change her mind and decide to utilize some of the other measures described in time.

    Don't see there's a need to get bent out of shape, call on 'truth and beauty, or cast aspersions on her motivations. Which honestly, is exactly as futile as choosing to continue going back to the sandbox. Perhaps you're courting drama.


    • Like 1
  6. 2 hours ago, Akane Nacht said:

    We all have different experiences, so pretty hard to draw general conclusions on that.  I had a couple of alts that were dark-skinned, and no one ever asked me then either. What I meant by good was, people in SL seemed to engage with me as simply another wanderer in cyberspace, no better & no worse than any other, and my RL didn't matter if I didn't want it to. 

    Well, I don't think I drew a super complicated general conclusion. But I can clarify it to say: Apparently, some people care more about some shades than others. Which is something we can probably all acknowledge as true. And since it matters to you, I'm glad it wasn't your experience to run into them during those times you were in one of your dark-skinned alts! The sort of SL I lead (not into fantasy or rp)  tends to be more curious about people's real lives overall.

    Vive la difference!

    • Thanks 1
  7. Oh golly, so many things. I had my first job before my first log in. The whole idea of sl was as exciting as it was nerve-wracking and so I read the (old) forums obsessively for a few hours, messaged the owner of a sl news blog and got hired. Shortly afterward, my rl arts nonprofit made its appearance inworld for a year or so. Since I've been a journalist, editor, dj, filmmaker, assistant, life coach, wedding coordinator/officiant and half a dozen other things. I've roleplayed in Gor and in the past five years begun learning about BDSM and become a part of the community, where I've facilitated discussions and mentored formally and informally.

    These days sl is all about those i love. Which honestly, was worlds away from what i either expected or wanted the first time i logged in. 

    • Like 1
  8. 11 hours ago, AmandaKeen said:

    I see absolutely nothing wrong with people wanting to associate along "real" racial/gender/other lines; but that can be complicated by the large contingent who see what SL offers as a chance to be who they *want* to be as opposed to whomever heredity or chance made them.

    ..and when we encounter people who appear in SL differently than they might in RL; that's not automatically a malicious attempt to deceive...

    ...its just Second Life since about 2004 🙂



    /me searches posts for implications of malicious intent.

    People have the right to explore whatever they choose in sl. When I first began I had a white alt for a couple of years because I wanted to be pretty just like any other girl and the dark skins were pretty ugly.  Getting a sense of what it was like to move through the world as 'just a girl' was revelatory. I've lived and worked in white spaces my entire life. The resulting stress and drama of walking into one of them for the first time as something unexpected was a sensation to which I'd become inured. For the first time, as a white person, I'd found the sense of anonymity for which I'd striven all of my life. It was restful.  But I missed being 'me' stress and drama aside...included, actually. And was happy to be myself full time as soon as a couple of skin-makers caught on that it would be worth their while to make nice looking dark skins.

    Far be it from me to deny anyone else the experience of 'walking' in another's shoes, either for fun, or for any other reason. It's not comfortable for me, but there's no rule that anyone's growth or experimentation needs to be comfortable for everyone. Imbuing those black avatars with racial stereotypes...that's another kettle of fish. It's deeply offensive for some. It's less so for me, personally. Though I do understand why it upsets people.  

    I get the desire to 'try' on another life. For many white people, the closest thing to significant intimacy they have with black people is through hip-hop, or other media. The content of the former is skewed by the demands of the marketplace and the latter by bias. I don't expect accuracy from someone wanting to 'try on' what it's like to be another race in sl. Also, some of those stereotypes help people attempting to explore attribbutes they would like to make a part of themselves, or which go unexpressed in real.

    My issue, my only...hate like poison issue when it comes to nonblack people playing black avatars, is when they try to involve me or mine (PSA: nonblack girls into various kinds of raceplay, please understand most black people are deeeeply uncomfortable, if not completely revolted with and by this kink...obtain consent before trying to engage a guy in yours). I don't believe the intent to be malicious for the most part. Though I've had encounters with a number of jackasses trying to make some kind of gross point; I'd say the vast majority of people who see me out dancing at the beach or club, or shopping have not intended to be offensive when involving me in their racial roleplay or sexual raceplay. 

    It's simple thoughtlessness.

    For many, because they're not black in real, it doesn't always occur to them others might be. Or perhaps it does occur to them and they don't realize that a real black person, might feel some kind of way about being approached in a racialized or fetishized manner. So they hop in my IMs with some crap which either annoys me or makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

    No malice intended.

    Still. Damage done.


    1 hour ago, Akane Nacht said:

    I've been 10 years in SL, and no one (neither friend nor random stranger) has ever asked me what my RL skin colour is. I assume they simply don't give a hoot, and I take that as a good thing 🙂

    I've had dark skin in sl  for 12 years  now and have lost count of the number of times friends and random strangers have asked my RL color. Apparently, people care more when it comes to some shades than others.  I don't take it as good or bad. Simply human nature. 

    9 hours ago, janetosilio said:

    Hmmmm...I wonder why certain kind of response are only in threads like this, but you don’t see them in threads like “Where are my Asians?”

    Just some food for thought.


    • Like 4
  9. 9 hours ago, Syo Emerald said:

    Its funny...all those people in here, saying that voicing dislike about a virtual avatar is the same as real life body shaming, would be 100% the same who would tell a furry (or otherwise non-human avatar, but usually its furries) to "suck it up", when their avatar choice gets them nasty comments and straight out exclusion. Also the same people would burn any furry on the stake in this forum, if they start another "racism against furries" post. (Not that I would agree with those posts either, but you can't pick your cherries. Its either all "choice" and not compareable to the seriousness of the real life issue or it isn't)


    Um, please don't put words in my mouth. While it's true there are some who are trying to create a kind of social media Kardashian existence. Usually, newer people who get bent out of shape by evidence that we are in fact down the rabbit hole rather than an rl simiulator. I'm with Bitsy Buccaneer, it's the intent that matters. That's whether the avatar is human, furry, neko, vampire or some combination never thought of. One of my regrets is the kind of surburbanization of SL. It's become far too realistic for my personal tastes, I miss dancing at a club next to a neko or a greenie, or whatever.


    While I consider myself fairly inured to people's opinions of my avatar or whatever, it doesn't mean I don't notice when they're unnecessarily nasty to myself or someone else. It's not enough for some to simply live and let live, but no; people feel the need to reach out and try to make others feel bad about themselves.

    • Like 6
  10. It is very much a thing in sl. I've listened to people get cheap and nasty about other people's shapes in a way most would hesitate to do in real life. Maybe part of it has to do with the growing discomfort, even threat, we seem to feel when given evidence of how differently people think from us. In RL, when people are  "too" fat, thin, tall, short we can mostly acknowledge that a person cannot easily change how they look. But here in sl when we see those things, it's because we're choosing that body type from moment to moment; showing we differ from this person in how we think a body can look attractive or at least pleasantly interesting.

    This seems to freak some people out.

    In my mind, rl or sl, it speaks to a basic lack of self-acceptance. Whether it's a person not feeling it's okay to look in the mirror and be happy at what they see; or someone feeling it's not okay to like something apart from what the mass media peddles as 'hot' or 'attractive'. In my opinion, women seem more prone to the former and men to the latter. A lot of guys I know think they look "great"...which. Not really. But would hesitate to lay claim to liking something about a woman their buddies find unappealing. Whereas, very few women I know think they look great, but have no problem liking a 'teddy bear build' or hairy arms, regardless of whether Madison Avenue attempts to sell us hairless boy-men as the ideal.

    Edited again to say. That being said about what behaviors I see most often among genders in RL. In SL, i've probably seen the most public and obnoxious shaming done by women to men.  Just sort of following the rl trend where some women choose to behave as if men have no feelings.

    • Like 4
  11. My personal feeling is that we all play a character in SL toa greater or lesser extent. Some of us are in full on RP mode from the moment we log in and will even say so in our profiles. Others, like myself do our best to live our second lives as extensions of our real lives; and living it as authentically as possible. But even with that, there are times when we use the 'get out of jail free card' of, 'well, it's second life'; not always consciously, not always with forethought. But in spite of how much I try to keep in mind I'm dealing with real people with real emotions, there have been times when something or other has blown up in my face and i'm aware, that i don't feel as bad about it as i might if something similar had happened right in front of me in real space, with all the senses brought into play. 

    My own particular way of dealing with sl, is to be as real as possible. I don't alt out (and have only once dropped out) after a breakup or a fight with a friend. I rarely block people who aren't all out griefers, preferring to talk the thing through or to a stalemate where we both agree to ignore each other until we go away; and I try to remain aware of those times when I'm viewing my own behavior through an 'sl lens' and not holding myself properly accountable.

    When it comes to others, I assume everyone is consciously playing a character, formal rp or no; until I know them well enough to understand otherwise. In a world full of strangers playing,  exploring various facets of themselves, expressing their creativity, etc. There is nothing in my real life I owe them. And I don't offer it. Where, how and with whom I live will have no impact on the second lives they are working to create.

    My relationships are the exception. Friends, lovers, I don't get involved unless they're philosophy is similar to my own. The relationships are very real, even if the world we share isn't. It's an assurance we give each other that we will not throw each other away in a fit of pique and that we have the right to call each other out for bad behavior or neglect. These are people I've known for a long time and we usually have more methods of getting in touch than just sl. RL names and phone numbers are often exchanged and SL becomes a means of deepening our connection. It's responsibility, accountability and love.

    This is not what I expect from sl at large. People are here for different reasons at different times. And in my view everyone deserves the freedom of deciding what this place means for them without being forced to meet my expectations. So I don't expect anything. And I don't obligate myself to them either. 

  12. I've never really experienced the whole SD thing...I mean I know it's a thing. And there's been a guy here or there who definitely leaned in that direction. But I'm weird about gifts in that, I don't particularly enjoy getting them from someone unless I've known them a long time and am particularly intimate with them. And honestly, I didn't really come to sl for the relationships anyway. So with one thing and several others, whenever I meet someone who gives off that whole 'i wanna buy you the world vibe' my tendency is to get a little weirded out and take a large step back.

    Long preamble. But...shortly before the end of my last relationship, while shopping at Avaway this noob messaged me. My policy is to friend new people and welcome to sl. So I did that and he was all...we should go shopping. In my mind he wanted me to help with his av, so I said, 'sure, let's do that sometime'. he'd message and I kept putting him off, because dunno, figured he wanted more than simple shopping. But after my relationship ended, he asked again, by then it was starting to dawn that he wanted to shop for me. It was not something I'd ever done and I was at loose ends, and so thought 'what the hell' and did as he asked and tp'ed him to one of my favorite stores. He must have dropped nearly 5k that day..and kept saying, 'let me know if you need more'. It was also super clear that something about the act of buying stuff and having me model it for him really turned his crank. 

    When asked if he was a sugar daddy-type, he said no. And he didn't seem to want to actually fool around. It made me wonder if he was trying to 'buy' affection, which of course made me feel sorry for him and want to be his friend and protect him from getting taken advantage of; which didn't interest him at all. A friend told me he probably wasn't familiar with the terminology but had some kind of sugar daddy-esque kink. The funny thing was when telling another guy friend the story, he was like. 'I will totally be your sugar daddy, i enjoy the idea of giving a girl an allowance in exchange for her companionship and maybe occasional sex.'

    The tone of some of the comments (or perhaps just my reading of them) seems weighted on the greedy golddigger side, not a ton, but there's some definite shade being cast. Which, honestly, given some of the sugar baby profiles and ads I've seen, is a view I kinda shared. But interacting with a few men who are definitely on the sugary side of the spectrum; while there are going to be abusers and jerks in any dynamic, this is very much a slippers and mates situation.


    • Like 2
  13. 2 hours ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

    Ditto with flexi pieces on long dressess for dancing.  Nothing more dorky looking that a mesh dress that is not a clinger, thus would 'move' in RL when dancing, and instead the whole bottom bell moves as a single glued together piece.  I don't do near the dancing now that I used to do because, for me anyway, much of the joy of dancing was watching my dress moving with me and now, with mesh, it just looks stupid most of the time.  I've always loved dancing, but I also love flowy skirts/dresses rather than the clingy kind - and only the clingy kind look okay dancing these days.


    3 minutes ago, Rolig Loon said:

    I agree.  Flexi skirts are made for women who never sit.  They are great for women who dance, though, far superior to the rubbery "wet suit" look of mesh skirts.  I made dozens and dozens of flexi skirts, experimenting with the shape and overlap of the prims and with the flexi parameters to create skirts that flow nicely and that flare out properly when you twirl.  When I found that you can't do that with mesh, I gave up clothing design.  My creative talent is really in scripting anyway, so that gave me an excuse to do what I am best at.  Still, I do miss those flowing flexi skirts.


    Yes! I didn't realize how important flows skirts were to me until I a little while ago. Me and Frank's used to be a near nightly event and I was always ready to explore new formal dance places. A few weeks ago it occurred to me that I hadn't been in aaaaages. Problem: too few swishy skirts. Seriously, I used to go and dance alone if no one asked. There was something practically ASMR about the experience.

    • Like 2
  14. To the OP, i had a conversation along this vein with someone I met at an event with a slightly different slant. Mostly, I'm approached in a racial roleplay or sexual raceplay vein by people who are only playing black on sl. After a spate of those encounters left a bad taste in my mouth I ended up approaching someone who's profile made it pretty clear he was also black in RL. Not something I generally feel the need to do as I pick my associates based on compatibility rather than race. But there is some comfort in the shorthand that can be offered by someone who is likely to have similar experiences.

    Anyway, we chatted a little about the rp thing and whether there's a 'black community' in sl and the ways and means we use to gauge whether or not someone is genuine. I think, like a lot of sl at large, you'll find small pockets of not formal communities, but groups of friends or social groups and 'families'. Apparently, for some black folks the extended 'family' dynamic is popular. And the families often have groups associated with them. I've seen some evidence of this. It's not my thing but maybe it will be useful to you?

    • Like 3
  15. I'm not sure of the definition, but maybe it isn't cynicism if it's true! Jazleen, you and I are in a very small boat; in eight years, partnered only once for 2 1/2 years, remained on my profile as partner for 3. We split up because we agreed from the beginning if/when one of us found someone RL, the romantic side of our relationship would have to end. He met someone first. There was no big display of hurt and drama when we had to alter things. We still love each other dearly, he is a friend of my heart and one of the people who understands me best in both worlds.

    Over a year later, i'm now involved in the beginning of a new relationship, where it will lead, how long it will last....I don't know. But I have no intention of doing the wedding thing again. The one time was enough, it was beautiful, stressful and awesome and a wonderful experience (sue me, I'm a girl)...once.

    Jaz, we are in the minority, both of us know women who are chasing fairytale weddings and living the life in Barbie's dream house.....over and over again. SL is a unique experience which can allow us to live our own rom com if we want, with very little of the reality of the guy as a person intruding...for a while. Then there's a dramatic soap operatic break up. Rinse. Repeat. When added to the cultural currency floating about which makes all things male 'bad' or 'silly/stupid'.  SL, our life, our imagination is Girl World. And these days Girl World isn't always a pleasant place for Men or Women.

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