Jump to content
Latch Castaignede

Have you taken the step from SL relationship to RL relationship?

Recommended Posts

Meeting people in Second Life is sometimes a lot easier than meeting people in real life. The mask we all wear in world often gives us the confidence to more social. But have you taken that extra step and moved your relationship from Second Life into Real Life?

I met Judie McDonnell in Second Life and 6 months later, we met in Real Life.

Im 28 and she is 20. We've been together for 2 years and recently moved in together (wedding bells?).

How often does this happen? We hear of marriges breaking up because of a sneaky SL affair, but is it more common for the opposite to happen?

 

What are your thoughts?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, seeking to turn an in-world relationship into a RL relationship is something I avoid like the plague. In fact, I make it extremely clear to anyone who wants to have an in-world relationship with any of my avatars that the possibility of a real-life relationship is exactly zero, and that trying to turn it into a real-life relationship will terminate the in-world relationship immediately. My avatars are NOT me, at all, and anyone who thinks that they are, and can't maintain that separation between the author of an avatar's words and actions and the fictional in-world character that the avatar represents is someone I don't want to have an in-world relationship with. I never have wanted to and never will move a relationship from a virtual world to real life.

I will acknowledge that some people do manage to meet people in-world and later have that develop into a meaningful and positive real life relationship with that person. But for that to happen, both people pretty much have to represent themselves in-world as a carbon copy of their real-life self. In my experience, very few people in SL do that. Most of the people I know in SL use the freedom that the virtual world offers to be virtually anything, and do not tie themselves to their real identities. They create fictional characters and have fun with them, never intending those avatars to have any significance in the real world. Being a carbon copy of real-life in SL is like going to the 101-flavor ice cream store and always getting plain vanilla ice cream. You're missing out on most of the experience.

Combine one person who thinks of their avatar as their in-world real self, and a second person whose avatar is to them a fictional character nothing like their real self, and you have the recipe for most of the emotional trauma that you see posted in the forums, where someone is heartbroken to find that their in-world boyfriend or girlfriend is actually the opposite gender, or in some other way not at all the person they thought they knew.

Trying to seek a real-life soul-mate in a virtual world where everyone is anonymous and untraceable is as sensible as blindfolding yourself, putting earplugs in your ears, and throwing yourself naked into an orgy pit, in hopes of finding a virginal partner interested in a monogamous relationship with you. There might be such a person somewhere in that room, but you can't tell for sure. They might be entirely the wrong race, religion and gender for your tastes, or have any number of things that make them a bad match, and you can't tell, because all you can experience of them is an artificial presence that they choose to present, and which you can not in any way validate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Part of the reason you don't hear about as many success stories is that once people have taken that leap, they may not participate in whatever online community, world, whatever, they were once a part of. For some people, their primary reason for being there, after meeting someone they really click with and intend to have a relationship with...is because that's one of the only places they can do just that. So they stick around, until they're able to be with one another, in person.

But trust me, there are millions of success stories, all over the world. Not just within sl, but online in general. There are thousands upon thousands just in sl alone. For every one failed relationship, there is likely at least another that hasn't failed. You're just less likely to hear about it. Apparently failed relationships, are more interesting than lasting ones to some people :P

I met my love online elsewhere. We didn't actually get together until a bit after we both came to sl permanently, but we had been very good friends for a very long time. Now we're together in every way possible, and I have to say, it's awesome, more than awesome, but I won't bore you with those details :P Sl helped us tremendously, gave us a space to be together, spend time, enjoy each others' company, etc.., until we could do so in person.

Places like sl can prove to be quite helpful when it comes to relationships, but like with ANY, you need to be honest with one another from the word go. If you're not, all you're doing is creating even more obstacles for your own self. Not to mention likely making it darn near impossible to ever have a meaningful relationship. Sure not all relationships last, but sl doesn't hold the trophy on that. They fail every single day, for all sorts of reasons.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In SL a lot of relationships are either outright roleplay or not 'serious'. Then too, a lot of people rush into partnerships too fast and find out later they really weren't compatible.  To some the pursuit is the thing and once they get someone and that initial euphoria is over they are ready to move on.  While the average relationship lasts about 3 months from meeting to breakup, that includes every kind. I do however know a number of people that have been together for years as a Sl only relationship, and a surprising number that have been together in SL for a long time and end up in RL together very happy.  (14 couples as of now) Of all the people that I know who took it to RL, only one relationship didn't work out.

Outside of SL , I know even more people that originally met on line either in an interactive site such as a game or through chat rooms or dating sites, including my RL sister.  I really don't think its unusual anymore and I think it will become more and more common.

As far as myself, under the right circumstances and with the right person I would consider it myself after I got to know the person very well online, then took the time to get to know them in RL before committing.  Based on my observations of other couples it can work very well if handled right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I met my RL Partner in SL, almost 4 years ago. It's been over 2 years now, and we have a (non pixel ;) ) daughter together.

I certainly didn't expect to meet my love when I joined SL, but you never know what may come of things!

I think as mentioned above, a lot of couples (I can think of 4 just off hand) that have moved from SL to RL have drifted away from inworld once they are together. My Partner doesn't go on anymore, but I still like to pop in now and again with this account or my main.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am completly honest when I meet someone in SL that i have a hard time sperating RL from SL.and would not risk developing romantic feelings for someone who doesnt think as I do.

I know first hand that relationships from sL can work in RL,it happened in my family and its working great so far over 2 years.

Important is agreeing on the terms,game or no game..to me SL is an extension of my RL and no game at all

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was on SL for a few years (different account) before I got involved with my now hubby. For me SL was SL and RL was RL and the two just didn't mix - till he came into the picture and changed that view. We connected on more then an SL level enough so that we actually got married on SL and a year and a day later we got married in real life (after only being engaged for 6 months). 

I would say that SL to RL does happen it just doesn't happen very often since many on SL are not looking for RL - and those who are are in the minority of the deal. My hubby was looking for RL I wasn't looking for RL or SL for that matter, I was more interested in making new and interesting friends plus expanding my online business (which at the time was taking most of my online time - that relationships RL just wasn't happening because I was spending 18 hour days in SL building and selling). 

We actually where introduced to each other though mutual SL friends who though we'd make a interesting couple, never thinking that things would go beyond SL (they are a married RL couple who have different SL partners) so when it did they where rather shocked to say the least. 

N and I first got together in the start of 2008 by the end of 08 we where engaged (after only having spent 3 weeks together), early 09 we where married (I moved down to the US with him to wait for his immigration paperwork to go though) and as of middle of last year N got his immigration papers and immigrated to live with me in my country. So not only did we find each other on SL we also happened to live in two different countries and time zones on top of it (not to mention elevations, religions and a few other things). 

So not been married very long, but really we where engaged as long as my folks where before they got married almost 50 years ago and its worked for them - my folks support us in our choices and they like my hubby as if he was their son so all in all for us as a couple its worked out fair well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:matte-motes-inlove: I met mu husband on SL in 2010, we were married in April of 2011 (our anniversary is this weekend) We are the same now as we were when we first met and we still play SL along with many other games.  My son also met his wife on SL and they were married last Novemeber. It does happen.

Being on SL or any other social gaming site allows you to meet people from all over that you would not ordinarily  meet, also for some being aa avatar allows them to be free and open about things. On the flip side of that I have seen marriages destroyed by SL, well not really SL but the husband was on SL more than with his wife and baby, he even got fired from his job, but lied to his wife by leaving like he usually did for work and sitting at a coffee house all day on his laptop. In the end they got a divorce and the judge granted her everything on abandonment and basically emotional infildelity as he had a wife and family in game.

i don't blame SL for the failed marrriages, Its like a gun, gun don't kill people, people kill people. Just my thoughts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow! Well first, let me say, I'm very late to this party (thread) and SL in general. And second, good luck to the OP and his new found relationship. Maybe by now they're married or other? Update please?

Finally, I'd like to say that for me, I came here on an invite from some sci to geeks that role play regularly. The head of them wanted me to be a guest at their sci if convention here in SL (I've done some online audio drama work as well as audio engineering for them). Anyway, the guest spot was fine, but the role play didn't appeal to me at all.

So I wandered, played with my clothes and avatar, came up with a look I liked, and next thing I knew, I was chatting with all kinds of people. I found that this was fun. I liked chatting in chat rooms years ago and this was just like it, except with avatars that look like real people (or other of course).

Anyway, as I chatted with these people, I just naturally was myself. A carbon copy of what I am in real life. I wasn't here to role play, as I said, didnt feel a need to be different, just to be myself. I have a pretty good idea of how to play me; years of experience. And I got along very well with all types of people. I was vanilla, but no one seemed to care; we had a pretty good time. So well,that several girls were kind enough to give me sme linden to get better skins and such so i didnt look like such a n00b. (I could've gotten lindens myself, but this was within my first hour on my own here and they were really kind).

Anyway, I apolgize for being somewhat long winded and slightly off topic, but my point is: I may be vanilla, but in a world where everyone is rocky road, mint chocolate, strawberry, peanut butter, rainbow colored, pecan, pumpkin, or dog flavored with werewolf sprinkles... vanilla actually may be an attractive thing. Hey, I'm having fun. Just my thoughts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Ex RL partner left me for her SL partner 4 years ago, moving out of the country and even marrying him.

By "coincidence" in 2009 just before I was about to leave that game for good,I met an old SL friend from my CCS rpg time (under another avatar) and we connected again. She visitied me in RL 3 times during 2010 all the way from another continent and since fall 2011 we are happily married and completely out of the game. We both don't have any interest anymore in the game because we are so happy in RL, SL is no longer necessary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I want to take SL too RL  and we plain to meet shortly. as we are not to far away - just over 500 miles. 

TBH i wasnt sure what I was looking for to start with - but once I found this guy one random night and we connected (Clicked) - I really wanted to know him in RL - he put his foot down at 1st and told me that he only wanted friends in RL as he was new to SL and wasnt sure how SL relationships worked. - It was hard to seprate RL/SL for me tbh, i wouldnt recommend it - your emotions are to mixed up. - i did do it tho - it was abit like RP i spos - I gave him the time he needed to learn about SL - which i belive is something you cant really teach aperson. - It paid off casue we are trying to make things work in SL/RL now - we are just going to give it ago.... Tho Sl moves so quickly - and once you get cought up in the relationship its so easy to get carried away with it - My heart fights a battle of love/lust/desire with my head everyday - and I offten feel I miss him - even tho i havnt even met him yet. 

Ive fall in Love with his personality - and *yes* we have seen each other on Cam and we talk over skype everyday. 

I try so hard not to rush my feelings but it somethings its so hard, i just cant, I do worry alittle that he thinks I'm rushing things, but its just the way SL moves along, and its hard to control it. 

I was thinking of setting up a group in SL for people that what to give each other support with moving SL relations- RL. 

If there is already one - let me know - if not IM me :) 

 

All the best xx 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ceera Murakami said, "I make it extremely clear to anyone who wants to have an in-world relationship with any of my avatars"

 

LMAO, Id love to konw how many relationships youve had at once?  I did have a girl approach me one time telling me her main was partnered and her ALT was single.  I said your ALT won't be hooking onto me either!

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Syo Emerald wrote:

So you both saw SL as a dating game? How sad.

I think what's sad is people that assume the role of judge of others. Live be happy and let others live.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


NealCrz wrote:

Ceera Murakami said, "I make it extremely clear to anyone who wants to have an in-world relationship with
any of my avatars"

 

LMAO, Id love to konw how many relationships youve had at once?  I did have a girl approach me one time telling me her main was partnered and her ALT was single.  I said your ALT won't be hooking onto me either!

 

I believe Ceera made it painfully clear (without having to spell it out herself) that she is an RPer, and that her avatars are merely her characters. The only people she'd be getting in a relationship with are people who understand that the relationship is fictional story.  But... I disagree with Ceera's view that most of SL plays that way, despite the trend seeming more popular in furry communities. Many people separate IC and OOC in SL, and the few who don't, the few who are 24/7 IC, are the people I try to avoid. ... If only because I object to being nonconsensually included in someone's RP.

 Actually.

I disagree with a lot of the things she's said. My experiences have been nearly an exact opposite. Humans are no different behind a monitor screen than they are IRL. People cheat and lie to each other all the time regardless whether or not they have an easier medium to do it over. People are easily validated and verifiable since advent microphone and webcams, and if you spend enough time being personal with each other you come to know exactly 'what's' up terms of their honesty and reliability.

Anyway, throwing yourself into any sort of search for a relationship is the wrong way to do it, and it's only by actively seeking that the simile for the giant orgy pit becomes accurate. Relationships happen organically through friendships, and those are quite often accidental, but they do occur all the time, and there are too many success anecdotes floating out there for it to be a 'rare' thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Anything can happen.

I have a friend on an different forum (not sl related) who met their S.O. in SL. It was a long story.

Relationahips, no matter where they start, can go any direction. I think it is funny how people say "I would never date someone I met in a club, live close to, tavern, dating site, facebook SL, work, a client..." OK then, where do you expect to meet someone? When they use the defense of "Cause if it goes bad..." That alone shows just how optimistic they are about their ability to develop and maintain a relationship.

Personally, I have heard of more relationships STARTING because of SL than I have about them ENDING cause of SL. But then I suppose most people would not go around bragging that they lost their partner because of someone on the web.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

“Humans are no different behind a monitor screen than they are IRL”

 

Of course we are. ... We cannot be the same, or rather show all our facets in an environment devoid of reality, of chores, of problems. In a place, like SL where everything is beautiful and perfect and dream-like, HOW can anyone see the not so nice traits that, under trial and pressure other people brings to the surface, if those trials and pressures don’t exist in SL?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


MoiselleErin Teardrop wrote:

Anything can happen.

I have a friend on an different forum (not sl related) who met their S.O. in SL. It was a long story.

Relationahips, no matter where they start, can go any direction. I think it is funny how people say "I would never date someone I met in a club, live close to, tavern, dating site, facebook SL, work, a client..." OK then, where do you expect to meet someone? When they use the defense of "Cause if it goes bad..." That alone shows just how optimistic they are about their ability to develop and maintain a relationship.

Personally, I have heard of more relationships STARTING because of SL than I have about them ENDING cause of SL. But then I suppose most people would not go around bragging that they lost their partner because of someone on the web.

 

Agrees.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Jasmyn Vaher wrote:

“Humans are no different behind a monitor screen than they are IRL”

 

Of course we are. ... We cannot be the same, or rather show all our facets in an environment devoid of reality, of chores, of problems. In a place, like SL where everything is beautiful and perfect and dream-like, HOW can anyone see the not so nice traits that, under trial and pressure other people brings to the surface, if those trials and pressures don’t exist in SL?

 

I think spending months sharing with someone for hours and hours on SL either texting or talking on Skype while doing things together in SL, is a unique way to get to know how someone approaches things.  If nothing else  one can see how they like to have fun.    Having a relationship in SL is not completely without challenges so in my opinion even in a perfect world you learn to work things out or you don't make it..  Of course there are variables that only come out in person, however, I dont see spending 100s of hours sharing as a detractor to getting to know someone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We met in SL, and were together (I thought monogomously) for a year before we met in real life. We got married a year ago and after that i found out he had been cheating all along online in SL on me. (aron attis) Ive had to forgive a lot. Let me tell you, if you meet in real life dont expect the avatar. My real life husband is nothing like his SL avatar. Not sexually and not in what he wants to do on a daily basis. Good luck to everyone with their dreams.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


NurseSparkle wrote:

We met in SL, and were together (I thought monogomously) for a year before we met in real life. We got married a year ago and after that i found out he had been cheating all along online in SL on me. (aron attis) Ive had to forgive a lot. Let me tell you, if you meet in real life dont expect the avatar. My real life husband is nothing like his SL avatar.
Not sexually and not in what he wants to do on a daily basis
. Good luck to everyone with their dreams.

Useless without photos.

Wooja...liketoexplainfurther

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excuse my late answer but I can only now speak about this experience personally. I met my partner on SL and we had an immediate connection. We could finish eachothers sentences. After a while we moved to Skype so neither of us were on SL very much together. Eventually we were Skype calling several times a day when we could. We did get married on SL and did the whole big wedding thing. Recently he just happened to be 6 hours away from me for driving school so we planned a quick trip for him to come to me and meet after he graduated.

The meeting was unbelievable. Of course there were crazy nerves but there was immediate spark and no awkwardness between us. We both felt we had known eachother for years. He ended up staying an extra 2 days and I never wanted him to leave. I'd never felt so happy and heartbroken at the same time.

Now we're making rough plans for him to move here (since I am a business owner) and start our lives together. Yes...the happily ever after can happen! I think the difference was neither of us used SL as a role playing "game". We were both very honest about our real lives from the beginning (the good and bad), and just happened to meet during good timing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


sweetpea818 wrote:

Excuse my late answer but I can only now speak about this experience personally. I met my partner on SL and we had an immediate connection. We could finish eachothers sentences. After a while we moved to Skype so neither of us were on SL very much together. Eventually we were Skype calling several times a day when we could. We did get married on SL and did the whole big wedding thing. Recently he just happened to be 6 hours away from me for driving school so we planned a quick trip for him to come to me and meet after he graduated.

The meeting was unbelievable. Of course there were crazy nerves but there was immediate spark and no awkwardness between us. We both felt we had known eachother for years. He ended up staying an extra 2 days and I never wanted him to leave. I'd never felt so happy and heartbroken at the same time.

Now we're making rough plans for him to move here (since I am a business owner) and start our lives together. Yes...the happily ever after can happen! I think the difference was neither of us used SL as a role playing "game". We were both very honest about our real lives from the beginning (the good and bad), and just happened to meet during good timing.

This !   Love it :) Congratulations

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a quick update. I found that after a few months of living with my SL partner in RL, i found that I was being taken away from SL and that I actually missed being in SL. With and without my new partner.

 

She wanted to move away from SL and I wanted to carry on with it. In the end she won and now i log in one or twice a week for an hour MAX!!!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...