Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Melian Catronis

Words of Advice for Valentine's Day Couples, On Behalf of Singles

Recommended Posts

With Valentine's Day being two weeks away, I wanted to post this here as plans get underway in SL (and RL) for Valentine's Day parties, dances, etc. I'm sure some of this is going to cause a bit of protest. But speaking as someone who has been single on Valentine's Day (and partially based on some of what I encountered in SL last Valentine's Day), I wanted to offer a few of my suggestions on how to make Valentine's Day a more inclusive experience for everyone, not just couples:

 

1. Valentines Day is February 14th, not February 7th-14th. It's one thing if you own a store in SL where you are selling dresses and lingerie; a week before the holiday in question--if not more--is the way you make money. I'm directing this point toward the SL nightclubs and event planners in particular who may see every opportunity to have 'pre-Valentine' dances and 'Romance Balls' almost to the exclusion of everything else. And not nightclubs who may have one event a week, I'm talking in particular about the larger clubs who seemingly have events every night. I know the clubs need to make money too, but why do you have to have a Valentines party the Tuesday before Valentines Day, instead of the weekend before or on the 14th itself?

2. Please be inclusive. One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.' Unfortunately that statement has also been mentioned toward me by people who said it with every bit of malice they can muster, as my single-ness in their presence on Valentines Day at a party or event or whatever was like a turd in the punchbowl to them. I'm not asking the nightclubs or event planners to ban Romance Balls or anything of that sort. But I would ask the clubs and the hosts in particular to make sure any single attendees are treated with respect and are just as welcome as the couples to your event. Hosts, please circulate through your clubs during your event and make sure your single attendees are allowed to mingle, not being made to stand off to the side like a bunch of wallflowers (I attended a Romance Ball in SL where I ended up against the wall with the other singles--all female, and we all sat there feeling bored and dejected and wondering what was wrong with us). And--dare I say it?--while again I know people have to earn a living, if singles are going to be forced to pay for dances with club staff so they don't have to be wallflowers, it's potentially offensive if they're the only ones who have to pay. Why not recreate the scene in 'Gone with the Wind' where for certain dances in your event, the couples have to bid to dance with the 'one who brung 'em'? It would equalize the playing field and make more money for the club.

3. SL musicians and DJ's, please see #2. Okay, okay, most songs are love songs. Musicians and DJ's get requests and are asked to make dedications at any time. I get that, normally I don't have a problem with it. But just as I asked the hosts in #2 of the events and dances to please show some respect to singles, I'm asking the musicians and DJ's to do the same. For various reasons, people who are single and/or alone on Valentines Day often feel self-conscious of being an overwhelming minority in a sim of 30-40 couples. Take their requests as you normally would on any other day--please don't say to them, 'Couples requests are a priority today, we'll get around to your request after the couples' requests are done', and if a single requests a non-love song, a song you would normally play on any other day, please don't tell them, 'I'm only playing love songs today because it's Valentines Day' unless you've already announced your show is a theme show. As for dedications, just keep in mind that on Valentines Day everyone wants to dedicate a song, 'to the one I love', and if you're not careful, you'll spend over 30 minutes of your hour-long show making dedications instead of playing music.

4. Don't judge. You don't know why the person who walks into any place in SL on Valentines Day is there. You don't know why they're alone. You don't know why they're with a group. You don't know if that single person is truly single, or if they're meeting someone there, or if they're part of a couple and the other half simply cannot be there. Even if you think you know, you don't really know, so be respectful.

5. Couples, don't rub the singles' noses in it.  Valentines Day can make normally rational, reasonable, sane couples think they can act like insufferable jerks toward singles because they're in a relationship on a romantic holiday and you're not. And it's not just open hostility toward singles that defines couples acting like jerks. Just as annoying can be the couples who want to tell everyone the story of their relationship, and how much they love each other and retell the story of their partnering ceremony, or want to tell everyone within earshot about all their plans for their upcoming SL wedding. Seriously, for some singles that would be like holding down a childless couple and forcing them to listen to baby stories repeatedly, or making them watch the video of you giving birth for the 10th time when you know how much they've struggled to have a family. It's just wrong. Be considerate.

6. Don't set up your single friends on blind dates for Valentines Day, unless you've been asked to do so. Like I said in #4, you don't know why that single person is single, even if they are your friend in SL. That single friend may be perfectly happy to be single, and the constant push by some couples to set every last single friend up on blind dates and play matchmaker, especially on Valentines Day, has more to do with your own hangups about being alone and/or others living up to your standards of perfection (as in, 'My perfect friend would be in a relationship so I can have someone to relate to.'). Friendship means accepting what you consider limitations in others, and if you believe a limitation is not being involved with someone, so be it. God forbid you're so shallow as a couple you believe the value of a human being is based solely on whether or not someone is involved in a relationship, but before you deny that statement too quickly and point the finger at someone else, take a good long look at the four fingers pointing back at you.

7. If your single friend would rather not hang out with you doing Valentines Day activities, let them be. Some singles find all the activities of Valentines Day to be extremely depressing, especially if they're coming off a breakup (either in RL or SL). Everyone recovers in different ways and at different rates. Or maybe they simply don't want to be bothered to explain yet again when some couple asks 'why aren't you in a relationship?' or 'I thought you were dating....why aren't they here?'  If that single chooses to blow you off and go to the movies instead of to your favorite club for a Valentines Day dance, don't push them. Don't call them antisocial. Don't tell them 'I'm not going to take no for an answer'. Don't put any expectations of your friendship on the line because they say no. If they want to join you, they will join you. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Period.

This whole list is probably futile, I know. The anonymity of SL sometimes intensifies bad behavior with the 'no rules' vibe, and if someone is a complete asshat in RL, the formula of SL and Valentines Day can make them worse. Not to mention all of our social insitutions help play into this 'open season on singles' attitude that February 14th can foster. But SL is supposed to be for everyone, with different tastes and styles, different RL nationalities. Let's please try not to create an environment where a group of people feel like they have to hide under the covers and not even bother logging in because they're going to get bombarded with a lot of others looking down their nose at them.

Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All those points are my reason to stay at home on Valentines Day in both worlds. I stay away from the clubs, the ballrooms and I hope so deeply I don't have to host/dance on a Valentines Event at my Club. Instead of crying about my lonlyness between couples, I go shopping at stores which are not decorated in Valentine Theme and buy myself something nice. Presents from me to myself are never wrong. And when I finished that I logg of and play my favorite mmo. So much things to do, even if I am single.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels when your a single at an event for couples, or to be around couples that are self absorbed.  My solution is that I don't go to there if I'm single or make a polite excuse and leave if it develops.

I agree that all people should be treated with respect at all times.  However, while I agree with most of what you say I don't agree with some.

I agree that clubs should not gear every event to Valentines during the week of Valentines.  However its not realistic to expect them all to limit their events to just the day of Valentines or one event the weekend before. Clubs gear events to what the popular demand is.  The demand is for more than just one event.  I know because I've owned two clubs over the years.  Not everyone is on line that day but still may want to celebrate with their SL love.  Also, some people may want to celebrate Valentines by going to different clubs on different nights because they enjoy different atmospheres and some just want to celebrate more than once.  It would a good idea for clubs to have anti-valentine events mixed with couple events for people not paired by choice or chance that don't want to celebrate love.  But I wouldn't go to them with a date and be put off because they won't play love songs.

If I do go single to an event at a club where the dances are mostly for couples and it is a romance event, then i'm not surprised if I end up sitting with other women.  The fact is that a lot more single women show up at these events then single men.  Invite a male friend along with the understanding its just for dancing and fun if you are not looking for romance.  

I don't expect to 'share' someone else's date, unless it is a couple I came with and its agreed that I will get a few dances.. While it is nice if a couple circulates a bit and dances with other people out of social politeness, its not required.  They are there on a date because they want to be with each other.  Most won't come if they have to 'pay' to do this and would resent it and leave if sprung on them. (Maybe it would be ok with some if  its for charity)

I don't expect the staff to dance with me. Not everyone wants to dance with guests because they have some one in their personal life. I didn't allow my staff to dance when they were on duty as it invariably causes problems and they couldn't really do their job of looking after all the guests if they were with only one.  If the staff is allowed to dance with guests and doesn't mind, and they dance with you, tip them because its not romance for them.

I don't know of anyplace with 'taxi' dancers who are there to dance with guests and charge for it unless its a escort club.  There may well be. If there are, just don't go to them if you don't want to pay.

In the end, Valentines only comes once a year and  is celebrated only a relatively short period of time. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The time around valentines day is already too much :matte-motes-silly:

But as you mentioned escort clubs, good place to hide all those silly romantic stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amethyst--some of the points you mentioned are the very reason why singles on Valentines Day feel like it's open season on them, and are made to feel so unwelcome--not just by couples, but by club staff members, musicians, DJ's, etc.--that for some their only option is to not go out or not even log into SL to socialize. It's one thing if a nightclub only offers one or two events a week and chooses to have a Valentines event a few days before, but there are still clubs in SL who have 1-2 events EVERY DAY, and yet they're still scheduling Valentines events a week out and to the exclusion of everything else. If it's a week out from Valentines Day, and there are 12 events scheduled at that club leading up to Valentines Day, does every single event leading up to the day HAVE to be about Valentines, or even anti-Valentines? Why not have most of their regular events until a few days beforehand, to accomodate those SL couples who, like you mentioned, may not be able to be together on Valentines Day itself?

I'm not suggesting that Valentines Day should be banned in SL or that everyone has to be accomodated at all times (you know, the PC idea that doesn't allow employees in RL to celebrate any holidays at the office because it might offend someone else). But the statement that was made about how singles can simply solve their 'standing off in the corner' syndrome at certain events by 'asking a friend' to come with them, is a prime example of the 'I'm-better-than-you-are-because-I'm-in-a-relationship-and-you're-not' hostility that couples feel free to spout on Valentines Day and get away with it. The reason why there are singles standing off in a corner is probably due to not being able to get a 'friend' to come with them, for whatever reason. And what's wrong with a host of such an event occasionally wandering over to the side and trying to coax the singles onto the dance floor so that they feel welcome? What's wrong with a DJ taking a request from a single person and playing the requests in order of receiving them (as much as realisitcally possible of course, considering sometimes songs have to be searched for or not as easy to cue up in the stream), instead of saying on Valentines Day only couples get to make requests, or that the singles have to wait maybe 2 1/2 hours out of a 3 hour event to get a request of theirs played, and it might get played if there's enough time?

 

If merchants, club owners, musicians, etc., can't be appealed to in terms of common sense and a sense of compassion or at least a sense of inclusion, then maybe they should remember the following: singles make and spend Lindens just the same as couples. If singles are made to feel so unwelcome to your club or your event or your show on Valentines Day that they don't come there, or leave immediately, or just choose to not log into SL at all, then you're not getting any Virtual Cheddar from them. That means no Lindens from them to help you pay your staff, no Lindens from them to help pay for stream hosting, no Lindens from them to help pay your tier fees. Wouldn't it make more sense to remember to keep singles somewhat happy and appreciated on Valentines Day so you can help yourself stay in business?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First I never said a club should have all valentines all the time for days ahead.  Your right that 'normal' events should occur too.  My point was that restricting Valentines events to just Valentines day or a day on the weekend like you requested was not what the demand is for and explained why.  I only suggested the anti-valentine idea as a lighthearted alternative, I did not mean the only one.

Second, I didn't think that suggesting inviting a friend was hostile at all.  I have male friends that I am not in any kind of romantic relationship with, that are friends only,  that I would invite if in that situation.  It has nothing to do with "I'm better your because we're a couple" because we aren't a couple.  (In fact if my friend wanted to dance with others he'd be free to do so.)  If you perceive it that way that's just you.  I don't think that I'm better than anyone because I have friends of both sexes either. 

Third: I don't think that DJ's should give priority to couples or ignore any request if the request is in format and it is only fair that requests should be played as they were received.   By in format I mean only if the format was announced or the club is a club that plays a particular format.  If the format is adult contemporary and you ask for heavy metal, it shouldn't be played.  Its important to stay in the format as announced in the event or the club general description because that is what people came to hear.  If you switch to something else people leave.

In answer to your question about staff dancing with guests: In my experience as a club owner, hosts dancing with guests is problematic. First it invites drama: If the host is with someone in their personal life or even dating casually it can cause a lot of drama if this person shows up and finds the hosts dancing with others.  I've also seen problems where a host has a dance with a few guests but then has to stop to perform other host duties and the guests that didn't get a dance get upset and cause drama.  And finally there is the problem that a host dances with a guest that takes the gesture as something more than it is and causes drama for the host and even the club sometimes. Secondly, unless you have several hosts on duty at a time, a host is responsible for looking after all the guests and they can't do that if they are dancing with a single guest.  Its easy to say have more hosts.  Its hard for a single host to earn decent tips now let alone several on a shift.  You yourself said you won't pay to get a dance.  So having staff to dance with guests requires a club owner to pay them or they won't work.  Even if a club is well supported with tips and shop rentals, owners still pay a lot of money out of their pocket now days - ask anyone that owns one.  To expect them to also pay several hundred linden an hour to have enough staff to dance with single guests is unrealistic.

I've seen enough problems enough times to warrant having a no dancing with anyone (not just guests) while on duty policy, which was one I enforced in both my clubs.  I've fired staff who broke this rule.  I did  however encourage my staff to coax single guests dance with each other.  However there has to be some of each sex there to do that.  The situation you described didn't sound like this was possible.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Melian Catronis wrote:

I'm not suggesting that Valentines Day should be banned in SL or that everyone has to be accomodated at all times (you know, the PC idea that doesn't allow employees in RL to celebrate any holidays at the office because it
might
offend someone else).  

 

I wouldn't want that rediculousness in my SL any more than in my first. I wasn't sure if you were teasing or not when I started reading. You want SL to be PC?? This place would lose 3/4 of its residents if that were expected. If you don't want to go by yourself to a Valentines event.. bring a friend as was suggested, or don't go! There are thousands of clubs here. Not all of them are having mushy love themed stuff at any given time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You misread what I said, Uncommon. PC  would be that SL isn't allowed to celebrate any holidays because it might offend someone, much in the same way there are RL workplaces with that rule. I don't want that.

 

What I (and others) also don't want are people who make it very clear that if you're not part of a couple on Valentines Day, then the following applies:

1) You are completely lacking as a person and if they had their way, wouldn't even be allowed to log into SL.

2) You should not be allowed to attend any events, since Valentines Day is for couples only and not singles. And if you show up at an Valentines event as a single, should be made to feel so unwelcome that you are forced to leave, because you're about as welcome as a turd in the punchbowl.

3) Your lindens are no good.

 

Like it or not, there are merchants, club owners, event coordinators, DJ's, musicians, etc., who really do behave that way on Valentines Day. It is shortsighted, it is stupid, but based on what I saw last year, it does happen. I would just like Residents to be conscientious enough to not engage in it. If that's too difficult, then I have to ask who has the hangup here?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Melian Catronis wrote:

With Valentine's Day being two weeks away, I wanted to post this here as plans get underway in SL (and RL) for Valentine's Day parties, dances, etc. I'm sure some of this is going to cause a bit of protest. But speaking as someone who has been single on Valentine's Day (and partially based on some of what I encountered in SL last Valentine's Day), I wanted to offer a few of my suggestions on how to make Valentine's Day a more inclusive experience for everyone, not just couples:

 

1.
Valentines Day is February 14th, not February 7th-14th.

 

2.
Please be inclusive.

 

3.
SL musicians and DJ's, please see #2
.

 

4.
Don't judge
.

 

5.
Couples, don't rub the singles' noses in it.

 

6.
Don't set up your single friends on blind dates for Valentines Day, unless you've been asked to do so.
.

 

7.
If your single friend would rather not hang out with you doing Valentines Day activities, let them be.

This whole list is probably futile, I know. The anonymity of SL sometimes intensifies bad behavior with the 'no rules' vibe, and if someone is a complete asshat in RL, the formula of SL and Valentines Day can make them worse. Not to mention all of our social insitutions help play into this 'open season on singles' attitude that February 14th can foster. But SL is supposed to be for everyone, with different tastes and styles, different RL nationalities. Let's please try not to create an environment where a group of people feel like they have to hide under the covers and not even bother logging in because they're going to get bombarded with a lot of others looking down their nose at them.

Thanks.

 

1. Thank you for your business model, Cupid. Most holidays have parties for a week before.. LL promoted xmas for 2 months before.

2. If you show up at a place that isn't "inclusive" .. leave!! or bring your friends out to party with you.

3. Don't tell me how to do my job, thanks. If i get a request, I play it. In the order that i receive them. If you go to a Vday party/event and don't have someone to go with you, don't complain that the DJ is catering to the event. If you went to a country event, would you request some hip hop gangtsa rap?

4. 5.6.7. Common sense for any day of the year.

In all honesty, you sound very very bitter.  Try not to take SL so seriously. Go to the RL pub and hoist a few on Vday instead. Who knows, you may meet someone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Country is a musicstyle Valentines Day is not.

Not to mention that it doesn't make much sense to say "then go to a RL bar instead". Like you say, she has the same rights as couples and its her right to be not treaten like some second class human just because she is single.

Oh, and Valentines Day in RL is not less worse than its in SL.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your input, Drake. As a DJ I'm sure you'll appreciate what I'm about to say: I will make sure I do not give you or any club you work for my Lindens ever again. And after what you wrote, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have quite a few singles share that sentiment. Sometimes there is a price to pay for demonstrating a lack of business intelligence.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So, saying that one should not frequent non inclusive clubs and that DJs should play requests in the order they get them, i have " a lack of business intelligence."  Why would you stay at a club that treats you less than they do everyone else?

We treat all of our VIPS the same. and unless it is very far off the event theme i play all requests.

Seriously. if a club is having a vDay event and you don't have a date get a chimera or ask if there is a dance ball. Most people that come to our club use the singles dance ball.

have you ever been to the club i work at?

This smacks of the same rant as when people complain about any holiday theme event that they arent personally part of.. like all of the anti 4th of July threads last year.

Personally i am doing an anti-vday event on monday. mainly because i am not working on vday, but i would still do an anti event if i was.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Melian Catronis wrote:

2.
Please be inclusive.
One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.'

Melian, I understand that being at a Valentine's event makes you unhappy. I am single in SL but I haven't been single in RL for a rather long time; even so I do know what it's like. But your whole argument really revolves around that sentence you found so offensive—that Valentine's Day is for couples.

Valentine's Day IS for couples! That's the whole point. It's about expressing romantic love for a special someone. Period. Nothing else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Dillon Levenque wrote:


Melian Catronis wrote:

2.
Please be inclusive.
One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.'

Melian, I understand that being at a Valentine's event makes you unhappy. I am single in SL but I haven't been single in RL for a rather long time; even so I do know what it's like. But your whole argument really revolves around that sentence you found so offensive—that Valentine's Day is for couples.

Valentine's Day IS for couples! That's the whole point. It's about expressing romantic love for a special someone. Period. Nothing else.

 

^ This. Exactly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, Valentine's Day is about romance and all that business. Of course it's nice to get flowers and do all the mushy lovey dovey stuff with your spouse/partner.  But to me Valentine's Day should be about celebrating love, whether it's your kids, friends, parents, spouse, etc. Just a day to show the people most important to you how much they mean to you. I like to give my friends little treats or gift cards on Valentines. It should be a day for everyone, not just couples.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps many things on the list sounded like "common sense", but unfortunately, many people, whether in SL or not, do not have any. Sometimes talking about things makes those people reconsider some of their actions.

And also as a DJ, I don't think I would attend Drake's club either, or at least his sessions. The OP was asking for respect, not special treatment, or at least, that's how I understood it, and I didn't see much respect from those responses, so why would I expect it in that club? I've been treated that way showing up to clubs alone when nowhere near Valentine's Day, so I'm sure it happens a lot more often at V-Day events.  

I tend to tip quite well for DJs that do a good job and treat their audience well. I know it's a difficult job, but it's not that hard to connect with guests. Even if you don't look at it from a romance perspective, from a business perspective, it makes a lot of sense. A single who came to have fun might be your biggest tipper if the DJ and host goes out of their way to make the event enjoyable. Unfortunately, there's a lot of clubs who just ignore singles, spam gestures, and offer no personal attention to their guests, and they're usually the clubs that close up fast. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This post is very interesting:

Im single in RL and SL and I still get valentine's day gifts and greetings. I frequent clubs all the time on sl and I get in the corner and dance by myself. Its my time to myself after a long day. Here is the thing. I dont use sl to get attention from anyone, nor do I blame others (esp. DJ's) for my non happiness. Im a dj of 18 years and counting so I understand when singles come to the club and most dont have dances. I make sure I greet them and I ask single men to dance with the single ladies. So basically the choice is yours. I say if it bothers you that much go to single clubs. Just my opinion. Dr Kelly Kay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to a valentines dance inworld yesterday and far from being surrounded by lovey dovey couples there was equally as many people there alone.

I am not going to mope around on Valentines day just because I havent conviently found  my "soulmate" and/or "eternal love" in time for a special date. Why should I?

I have people who love me already...friends and family. And thats who I am going to spend time with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to a ball 1.5 week ago with my male alt to see if i could help some girls off the side line, worked, chatted, got abit friendly
Few days into it something smelled rotten, so keep up appearances and try to help her out abit with writing a puzzle script
Few more days pass and my friend started to take some notes when i wasn`t around and he was

End story, was being used for my skills and knowladge, glad we saw the trap coming and when work was finished, go home without giving it and leave her a very nice notecard.

 

Lesson learned, move on, sl is filled with only manipulative people that want something one way or another, the few normals that might be on the grid never go anywhere, god knows i should have stayed in my f`ing corner as i normally do.

Revenge will be sweet, you reap what you sow and she definitely messed with the wrong person
For the stray guy who reads this, stay away from Tricia if you are a creator, she will tell you exactly what yu want to hear in a very devious way that even got me going till she and her friends started making mistakes in their stories and confirming it with other people who got suckerd. 

So one signle guy still in the pool if you aren`t full of drama, bs, and want to suck my brains dry, with a main female avi

Oh yeah, happy valentine, /wants an facepalm emote...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...