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What is "love" in Second Life?


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Again I am here to ask for advice.

Again I lost my man in SL...it was love I thought, but when I think to myself I´m not so sure If it really was love.

Is it love to fight almost every day because of very silly things?

To break nearly 8 times in more than 2 months?

Is it love to get treated like a very bad woman...only cause I wanted to try a roleplay where I would have a ungendered dog as my pet at my SL home?

But this is only one of several silly reasons to fight.

And I must say it was not always him, I also had my moods when I overreacted.

But we both thought we have a very special connection.

But with every fight and every disput my feelings got more and more indifferent.

We never cheated each other, not in real life and not in SL...but although we loved each other the love dissappeard somehow....well I cannot say that it is completly gone, but I don´t know what to feel anymore.

I feel unsecure about my own feelings I have for him.

And I think he feels the same.

So my question is, how can this happen in such short time?

I never had something like this before.

It feels somehow like a love and hate relationship that kills each other.

You know what I mean?:-(

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Sounds like you just weren't meant for each other... it happens.  Better to find that out quickly, than to spend years being miserable with each other, before you can't take it anymore and have to get out to save your own sanity.

Someone else will come along that blows this guy out the water; then you'll be looking back and wondering what you saw in him to begin with.

...Dres

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The short answer...no, it wasn't/isn't love. At least not for you, in my opinion.

No one person can really define what love is, or should be, for another. Whether it's real life love, an online love or even a completely made up roleplay love.

I can tell you one thing and that is that so many arguments during what is typically the "honeymoon" phase of many relationships is a good indicator that your communication skills(together that is) may not be up to snuff. It could also be a good indicator that you're simply not meant for each other, at least not as far as a love relationship goes. It certainly may not prevent a friendship.

As far as the rp dog thing, I wouldn't knock him for not "understanding" or having problems with it. I'd take issue with it too, if it were a human rp-ing as a dog(even if a full av dog). Because it's not the sort of thing I'm into. Feeling odd about your partner's insecurities or even their dislikes isn't always the best sign either. Not knocking you or anything, I just think sometimes we forget that others may not share our feelings and if we don't do a very good job of expressing them, we can't expect them to understand. I bet he wasn't all too good at expressing his dislikes either(least it seems so). I think the universe was just sending you sign after sign. But, like most(:D), you tried to make it work anyway. It didn't, but that's ok. Not everything will work out the way we hope. Would be nice, but, definitely not reality, lol. I'm sure you'll find someone absolutely perfect for you in every way possible. Even if you have separate interests and likes, it's still entirely possible to have a very happy, healthy and long term relationship that *develops into love.(and that's the key there).

I think your first step, now that you've been through what you have, is to figure out what *you* really want. Do you want a friendship that has the potential to grow into love? Do you want that sweep me off my feet from the word go and never let me down sort of love? Do you want an RP version of love that merely consists of your avs being in love, but not your human controllers? I mean there really are so many things you can want, look for, and even find in sl.

I found my love elsewhere online-though we were friends long before we came to sl, and didn't become partners until after we got here, lol. I can honestly say that while I'd hoped for the sweep me off my feet and take my breath away with the first glance sort of love-right out the box...I'm glad I didn't get it ;) Building our friendship was so much more fun when there were no expectations tied to it. We were just two people enjoying the company of each other, enjoying goofing around and having fun. I don't think we;d be where we are today if we didn't have that first. Call me biased(I don't mind) but this is the route I recommend for most-well those who ask me. I mean unless of course your goals are completely different than mine, haha. Even if you're not looking for rl love, or only want an RP love, I still highly recommend being friends first and THEN seeing where things go. The hurt your heart may feel, should this not work out again, will likely be far less if it doesn't feel as though it was placed on the outside of your chest, unprotected. I know that hurt well, I'm very sorry you do as well. But one good thing you can take from the pain...is what not to do next time.

I don't think going out and looking for love right out the box is a very successful trip for most people. Some pull it off well, my hat is off to them. I wouldn't be able to. I'm just not wired that way and more likely than not, I'd screw something up, lol. But those I know who have, or do have, long lasting relationships almost always start out as friends first.  I see a lot of people "fail"(sorry poor term, but, you know what I mean) at relationships and sometimes it sours their opinion of them. Don't let that happen to you! There's someone out there for everyone. Sometimes we just don't know what we need, or want, until it's right there in our face.

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The more of these kinds of posts I read the more convinced I become that SL love is nothing more than a role-play for most people. In my opinion, this is all it should be. Those who expect SL love to be more than just role-play only set themselves up for heartache.

My advice is to just play at love in SL, and when it goes sour just shrug it off & move on.

Jeanne

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

 

It feels somehow like a love and hate relationship that kills each other.

You know what I mean?:-(

 

Sounds like the initial attraction is gone, and what's left is several layers of good or routine stuff on top of a few nasty personal incompatibilities. Like all relationships, you have to choose wisely, knowing full well that one day the magic will wear off and what's left when it's gone is what you'll end up with. It may be a love/hate thing.. not sure what else to call it, but if it's leaving you hurt or questioning things then it's probably not "love" as you define it. It also may not be real hate either, but either way I'd have to say it sounds like it needs fixing before any real positive strides can be made.

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JeanneAnne wrote:

The more of these kinds of posts I read the more convinced I become that SL love is nothing more than a role-play for most people. In my opinion, this is all it should be. Those who expect SL love to be more than just role-play only set themselves up for heartache.

My advice is to just play at love in SL, and when it goes sour just shrug it off & move on.

Jeanne

^^^This.  The OP seems to be talking about "romantic love."  Given it is so difficult to know who is on the other side of the screen, the possibility of successful "romantic love" in SL seems to be fairly remote.  But I've never looked for that myself or looked for someone who would be interested in that outside of roleplay.  There are many other types of "love" in RL - platonic love or affection between friends, love between a parent and child, affection between a mentor and a student, etc.  All of these can be explored through roleplay and some of these are likely more attainable ends in SL (outside of roleplay) than romantic love.  However, conflict or betrayal in any of these types of perceived relationships (outside of roleplay) can be extremely distressful to those involved.   Sometimes it's harder to move on from that.  But that's life, after all, whether real or Second.  I think part of the attraction of SL is being able to explore different types of human relationships through avatars, some of which would not be possible in RL.  The advantage with SL is that you can much more easily remake yourself in-world than you can in RL.  You can start with a clean slate (new alt if necessary) assuming you did not intertwine your two lives (RL and SL) prior to the fallout.  Such a mix would make it a lot more difficult and is why most who engage in RP use alts to go about it, just because in RP the exploration of different ideas and relationships could potentially bleed over if all roleplayers don't fully understand (or don't care about) the rules involved.

But "love" in SL, just like in RL, can potentially anything you want it to be as long as you have a willing partner.   Many people in RL can't extricate themselves from conflicted or abusive relationships, so if you find yourself in one in SL that you can't fix it's best to get out of it as soon as possible assuming you can do it.  Why spend your time outside of RL in relationship hell?

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Loving someone & being "in love" with someone can be very complicated things. First of all, you can indeed love someone who is just wrong for you, & that doesn't mean you have to put up with feeling ignored, hurt or disrespected. Love yourself enough first that you can say "No. I will not put up with this, even though I love you," to any person who hurts you.

Second, when you & the other person really do love each other, you will both try to work out your problems & forgive each other for mistakes. You will both care about each other's feelings & will feel bad enough when you've accidentally hurt them to say you're sorry, mean it, & try not to hurt them again.

Finally, even if there are some parts of the other person that you love & some times when being with them makes you feel good, you have to weigh your tears against your joy & decide if the whole thing is worth fighting for. Nothing in life is ever perfect, but you have the right to have more happiness than pain.  You can find someone who will give you that, if you learn from your mistakes & keep looking for someone who suits you better.

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Sorry to hear you're hurting. I think its important for both people to try to be on the same page about where they're going with an SL relationship. What really hurts is when you have hashed all that out,  you think you're in agreement and one person wasn't being honest about what they really thought and just said what they thought they should say. 

I think it's important : If you just want to get kinky and play in the ball pit - say so. On the other hand, if you say you are just around to play around with the menus and you really want to fall in love for real life, you have to be honest and say so. I want to believe that no one is really honestly here to hurt anyone else, it's just all about miscommunicating. There is one thing for sure, though, when it goes bad, it does hurt real time, even if just for a little while.

Maybe you can talk that out; maybe you can only learn from it for next time. One thing about SL, there will be a next time if you want there to be.  :)

Peace and good luck to you. 

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Desire Jacques wrote:

I want to believe that no one is really honestly here to hurt anyone else.....................


One of my all time favorite quotes that I have read in a profile is:

     "Of all the things you can be here, why would you choose to be an a$$hat?"

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Perrie Juran wrote:


Desire Jacques wrote:

I want to believe that no one is really honestly here to hurt anyone else.....................


One of my all time favorite quotes that I have read in a profile is:

     "Of all the things you can be here, why would you choose to be an a$$hat?"

That is an fascinating concept from a society-building viewpoint. How would a social structure in which there was no conflict between individuals work? And if there was just one individual in that structure prepared to take advantage of the niceness of others, would he (or she) prosper, or would the stimulus of dissonance generate a non-nice response from those originally with pure intentions?

I am beginning to think I do not need to bother about doing anything with my avatar. I can amuse myself here in the forums if these are issues that people want to discuss.

Stew

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I want to thank you all for your comments and advices!I read them all and it helped me a lot to think about it all again.

I will see now what the future brings and I do my best cause I know I also made mistakes and did not act right many times.

But this is the human race...we are not perfect!

Hugs to you all...it is nice to have people here to talk to.:0)

 

....and hi Stew...welcome to SL...I´m glad the forum is good for your amusement...even it is not funny in my case....

 

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StewPidmodd wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:


Desire Jacques wrote:

I want to believe that no one is really honestly here to hurt anyone else.....................


One of my all time favorite quotes that I have read in a profile is:

     "Of all the things you can be here, why would you choose to be an a$$hat?"

That is an fascinating concept from a society-building viewpoint. How would a social structure in which there was no conflict between individuals work? And if there was just one individual in that structure prepared to take advantage of the niceness of others, would he (or she) prosper, or would the stimulus of dissonance generate a non-nice response from those originally with pure intentions?

I am beginning to think I do not need to bother about doing anything with my avatar. I can amuse myself here in the forums if these are issues that people want to discuss.

Stew

It must be nice to be so easily amused.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

It must be nice to be so easily amused.

I find people fascinating, especially when they are expressing themselves in a medium that is unusual to them. My job requires me to think as fast as I type, which is pretty quick, so I am confident about engaging with people here in chat, but these forums seem to allow people to write more considerately - not instant responses, but posts that might reflect mature reflection on issues, without having to sit in a smoky pub and filter out the bull**bleep** generated by the alcohol.

Having had a look around the forums it seems to me that there are isolated outbursts of such adult discussion, but that most posters seem to treat the place like somewhere to submit extended texts or tweets, and the meanings of much of what people are trying to express get obscured by impatience.

Is my instant judgment right, or am I missing something?

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StewPidmodd wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

It must be nice to be so easily amused.

I find people fascinating, especially when they are expressing themselves in a medium that is unusual to them. My job requires me to think as fast as I type, which is pretty quick, so I am confident about engaging with people here in chat, but these forums seem to allow people to write more considerately - not instant responses, but posts that might reflect mature reflection on issues, without having to sit in a smoky pub and filter out the bull**bleep** generated by the alcohol.

Having had a look around the forums it seems to me that there are isolated outbursts of such adult discussion, but that most posters seem to treat the place like somewhere to submit extended texts or tweets, and the meanings of much of what people are trying to express get obscured by impatience.

Is my instant judgment right, or am I missing something?

If your instant judgment is simply a way to say some of us use way more words than we need to express our thoughts, then yes, you're missing something.

(perhaps it's irony?)

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StewPidmodd wrote:


Perrie Juran wrote:

It must be nice to be so easily amused.

I find people fascinating, especially when they are expressing themselves in a medium that is unusual to them. My job requires me to think as fast as I type, which is pretty quick, so I am confident about engaging with people here in chat, but these forums seem to allow people to write more considerately - not instant responses,
but posts that might reflect mature reflection on issues,
without having to sit in a smoky pub and filter out the bull**bleep** generated by the alcohol.

Having had a look around the forums it seems to me that there are isolated outbursts of such adult discussion, but that most posters seem to treat the place like somewhere to submit extended texts or tweets, and the meanings of much of what people are trying to express get obscured by impatience.

Is my instant judgment right, or am I missing something?

I think you are correct that the nature of this Forum (and Forums in general) do allow people to reflect on what they want to say more and to go in to greater detail.  However, while I can not speak for any one else, I have been guilty of "posting under the influence" and I suspect given the coherency of some things I have read here that others may be guilty of the same.

I will say that there are some here who might consider your phrase "mature reflection" an oxymoron when applied to some submitters' posts, similar to phrases such as "military inteligence."

In addition, there are some occasions where I have wondered if the people responsible for the oversight of this Forum have been guilty of "moderating under the influence" or using "military intelligence" when moderating.

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JeanneAnne wrote:

The more of these kinds of posts I read the more convinced I become that SL love is nothing more than a role-play for most people. In my opinion, this is all it should be. Those who expect SL love to be more than just role-play only set themselves up for heartache.

My advice is to just play at love in SL, and when it goes sour just shrug it off & move on.

Jeanne

Exactly this. I'm not saying you cannot find real "love" in SL. I know plenty of people who have met their significant others via the internet. I am saying how ever that finding a relationship over the internet is not for everyone. That does not mean you cannot find someone to share your SL with. And from my experience a RP relationship can be just as hard to keep going as an RL one sometimes. 

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I've loved internet forums for a long time, because they allow thoughtful consideration of viewpoints from a diverse group of people. The tone of various forums can differ quite a bit though, depending on the types of people who tend to use them.

A polyamory forum, for instance, is likely to contain more open-mined, idealistic & thoughtful people. Fringe subcultures in general attract people who are more educated, open-minded, & generally more polite than a general audience might be (IMO).

This forum attracts people who have basic computer & video game literacy, people who like to create using computer technology, & people who enjoy the sense of community & anonymity found on internet forums.

The 2 most closed-minded & stupidest forums groups I've found were Yahoo! Answers & HBO's True Blood forums. (Imagine how a teenage girl might faun over Edward Cullen, but instead there were pre-teen girls wanting to become mermaids & adult women going on about how sexy Bill & Eric were.)

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