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Does RL gender matter when dating someone?


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Ziggy21 Slade wrote:


Makyinzie wrote:

I see no issue with people playing an avi of the opposite sex. How is that any different from people playing lycans, vamps, furries, fairies, elves, ect? It's not.

 

Well actually it is,
there is absolutely no chance of meeting someone in SL who is a RL
lycan,
vamp
. furry, fairy or elf, since we know such things are make believe there is no deception, this is not true when someone uses an avatar of the opposite sex to their RL gender

Well, actually, you might want to wander over to the vamp sub-forum (if it's still there, as there was a "coming-out" of RL vampires a couple of weeks ago. Just goes to show you....

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Carole Franizzi wrote:


Ziggy21 Slade wrote:


Makyinzie wrote:

I see no issue with people playing an avi of the opposite sex. How is that any different from people playing lycans, vamps, furries, fairies, elves, ect? It's not.

 

Well actually it is,
there is absolutely no chance of meeting someone in SL who is a RL
lycan,
vamp
. furry, fairy or elf, since we know such things are make believe there is no deception, this is not true when someone uses an avatar of the opposite sex to their RL gender

Well, actually, you might want to wander over to the vamp sub-forum (if it's still there, as there was a "coming-out" of RL vampires a couple of weeks ago. Just goes to show you....

I hear some people in SL are fairies in RL, as well... though I've yet to see any definitive proof.

...Dres

Edited for spelling... I need more coffee.

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:


Carole Franizzi wrote:


Ziggy21 Slade wrote:


Makyinzie wrote:

I see no issue with people playing an avi of the opposite sex. How is that any different from people playing lycans, vamps, furries, fairies, elves, ect? It's not.

 

Well actually it is,
there is absolutely no chance of meeting someone in SL who is a RL
lycan,
vamp
. furry, fairy or elf, since we know such things are make believe there is no deception, this is not true when someone uses an avatar of the opposite sex to their RL gender

Well, actually, you might want to wander over to the vamp sub-forum (if it's still there, as there was a "coming-out" of RL vampires a couple of weeks ago. Just goes to show you....

I hear some people in SL are fairies in RL, as well... though I've yet to see any definitive proof.

...Dres

Edited for spelling... I need more coffee.

 

I heard that rumour too. Been observing the bottom of garden verrrrry carefully since then.

I have serious doubts about using as a yardstick for what is and isn't acceptable as RP (and what counts as fibbing) the impossibility of a claim being true. Okay, let's say it's highly unlikely that the werewolf really is a werewolf in RL. But let's face it, if the 21 year old hawt babe REALLY looked like that she'd be off partying in RL somewhere.

It seems to me that there are some double standards at work here. It's very naughty to pretend to care for someone if you're only RPing (and it is - I'm not defending such actions) but it's okay to pretend to be more attractive and much younger than you are... Strictly speaking, surely it should be the same thing, since the whole premise for the relationship, may, in many cases, depend on being attracted to one another initially? Unless you've been video skyping from the word go (prior to when feelings evolved) and have been totally honest about who you are, isn't it all shades of deception anyway?

 

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  • 4 weeks later...


Carole Franizzi wrote:


Susan Kenin wrote:

Kyoka,

I think that it is OK for people who like RP to be a different gender on SL. And, yes, SL is a good way for people to experience what, for some reason, the cannot experience in RL (mobility limitations, gender identity issues, etc;). Where I draw the line is people who enter an intimate relationship while deceiving the other person. It is one thing to be a different gender while engaging in activities where gender doesn't matter (most activities), but quite another to have sex while deceiving the other person about your gender. That applies to men who pretend to be female and have sex with another male (who thinks it is sex with a female) or men who have lesbian sex with a woman who thinks that she is with another woman.

I know that on SL is would be difficult to verify gender
. The forum I mentioned was small, so to gain access to a female only (or male only) section each person would have to fax a driver's license or prove some other way (eg. voter registration). Still possible to fake but it takes work. 

So on SL it is more a matter of personal honesty.

It's not difficult. It's impossible without the person being verified volunteering "proof" - which can, as others have pointed out, be manufactured.

This is supposed to be a fantasy platform. "Your world, your imagination", etc. Those are the makers' words.

My suggestion is, if things such as gender, age, degree of attractiveness, state of health, etc. are important enough for you to feel there ought to be a means to verify relative claims, sign out of SL and sign up with a dating agency, because making personal honesty fit into a picture which is so heavily biased towards fantasy and imagination, seems to me to be a lost cause right from the start.

It's not just lost, it's naive bordering on stupid, and it's predicated entirely on the overblown sense of entitlement that's worked its way into the social psyche everywhere. There is nothing wrong with preferring to participate in SL a certain way, regardless of what that way is, but when you start expecting unilateral redefinitions of the plainly stated nature of the platform for no other reason than to assuage your phobias because you refused to choose a venue that facilitated your preferences, then there is something very wrong. With you. Not with others who read the charter and actually joined believing in it.

Each of us has the same opportunity to limit the possibility of heartbreak or upset by picking the proper venue. It is not for others to mold the venue to suit our whims. This is not reality where if someone is same sex oriented they are stuck with an unsympathetic majority that cannot be avoided or escaped, and it is both disingenuous and ridiculous for people to be implying they are similarly trapped by pretenders in an environment that shuts off with a button.

For all the talk of how mission critical these relationships in SL are to RL and how suceptable people say they are to real life altering pain as a result of SL relationships, I've got to wonder what happens when either party loses their job and the DSL gets cut off. Are they unable to find the strength to face the days going forward? Because if so, that's got to be a hard way to live.

 

RL gender matters about as much as one forces it to matter, based on the expectations of life and others that one chooses to maintain. Nothing about SL or what happens in it "must" be passively accepted or experienced, and that goes double for emotional pain if you accept what SL can and can't be.

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Skylar Meridoc wrote:

I know theres some people playing the opposite sex in SL. But does it normally matter to most people if they are playing the same sex as they are in RL?

I mean, i could imagine dating someone of the opposite sex in SL even if they are same sex in SL... as long as they play their "Role" right.

I normally keep SL and RL seperate, so shouldn't be a problem, right?

It depends on the person.  But, for the most part, a relationship based on a lie isn't the right thing to do to someone, imo.

Dancing, chatting, exploring, etc... fine, but lying and deceiving someone's heart is wrong.  Use your alts to be another gender, but if dating I think people should be honest from the very beginning, and then let the other person say ok or not ok.

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  • 3 months later...

I had a relationship with someone on SL long time ago and it ended up in disaster.

It turned out that she has been playing a fictional character she made up while we were making plans to meet in real life and such.

She told me the truth when it's not fun for her any more and I was deeply hurt.

Well.. she is a woman in RL too but it didn't matter to me when the rest of the things she had told me was all lies.

 

To answer your question, it depends on you and your partner's standards and expectations for SL romance.

If both of you wanna take it to RL and become a RL couple also, great go ahead. Book a plane and meet your partner face to face in RL.

But then again, there's some people who simply put a mask saying their avi's are extension of themselves in RL  and that they wanna meet you in RL when it's actually just a headgame to them.

You really cannot seek honesty in every person you meet on SL.  Unfortunately you can never go by their avi's or their words.  Some are simply role playing on the net.

 

All I can say is, like someone already pointed out, if you wanna avoid online fakers and build a firm romantic relationship with someone honest, then log out of SL and join Facebook or maybe go out?

Sure I know a few couples that had met on SL and eventually eneded up getting married in RL.

But i'm just saying if you cannot stand when someone is fudging their personal info's on the net aka = role playing then maybe SL is not for you.

I learned it the hardest way.

Do I wanna look for a new relationship on SL again?  Well maybe but I would definitely keep it strictly to SL only this time.

 

 

 

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Dres,

haha okay I guess I'm just mumbling then.

 

oh yea one more thing:

"If you have lied once, you would end up having to lie many more times to cover up the first lie."

If you are a guy in RL but wanna pretend to be a woman on SL, it's up to you and your skills.

I hope you can pull it off.

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  • 2 months later...


umaaadexing wrote:

i like being a women even though i'm guy in real. its awesome here in sl. i like playing with other guys hahahahha so fun.

How do you know you're not playing with women playing guys who like playing with guys playing women who like playing with guys?

...Dres

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:


umaaadexing wrote:

i like being a women even though i'm guy in real. its awesome here in sl. i like playing with other guys hahahahha so fun.

How do you know you're not playing with women playing guys who like playing with guys playing women who like playing with guys?

 

Yeah!  How do you know?

 

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I had t laugh when I read the ultra analytical and overblown radio psyc review from earlier in the posts... So Sheldon from "BBT"... Anyhoo (my two cents=not worth a dime),

  I am a lesbian. I met some one who is male in RL and has male and female avi's. I was weirded out. I would rather deal with a female but if is that I end up with a male in a female avi one day, I do hope to never find out. Yes, people are living out their fantasy on SL, but one of those things one learns by age five-years-old, is to lie is wrong. Period. All the words in all the dictionaries in the world won't change that FACT.

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mmmm,

I agree lying is what is the killer.

 I dont care what sex or age they are in rl as long as they are true to me, by that I mean honest , hate it when months doiwn the line you find it all been a pack of lies, and yet they expect the truth from you, whats that all about? double standards or what?

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We had that subject in my philosophie class a long time ago, when I was at school. The teacher talked with us about what several well known philosophers said about how humans should behave and what we would say is right or wrong.

As we talked about lying at first everyone agreed, a lie is a bad thing. But its difficult to figure out what exactly is a lie. As you already said, we all lie, whenever we don't want to hurt someone or we don't want to get hurt....and sometimes because its just easier for everyone (no discussion why that dress doesn't look good on her lol). Even when it comes to heavier lies. Think about lying to safe someones life, even if the law says different (its a direct question, when a policeman knocks on your door and ask where your neighbours went, isn't it?).

But you still lie, cause you feel its right and causes less damage than telling the truth.

Ok...that was a little ot, back to men with female avatars:

Most of them enjoy their SL how it is. They talk to others, they dress up in some sexy clothes and dance to the music. At this point...is it already a lie, if they don't have a notice in their profile about being male in rl? Maybe they have made some friends here and now their get to know this one person better....where it the right moment to say that they are not female? I'm sure, no matter when they say it...they will get blamed for lying. Also, when they don't want to take things to real life...why not leaving it how it is?

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I don't think there's anything wrong with living your real life or second life exactly the way you want to - dance and dress up whatever avatar you want to. If you're a girl and you wanna play as a guy no prob and vice versa.
As long as what you're doing doesn't concern anyone else - then do whatever you want to.

But I think that as soon as you start to interact with other people in sl, rl or that interaction level where your sl begins to cross over into rl - then you have to be immediately honest with the people around you. IMO this is especially true when it comes to 'real' relationships.
If you're just role-playing that you are carrying on a relationship with another person while in-world/ in sl this is one thing. If you're carrying on what is supposed to be a more in-depth relationship with another person then they deserve to know who you really are - who's controlling the avatar they are kissing and whatever else with.
My stance is if you feel like you're lying or that you're concealing the truth for one reason or another (no matter what that reason may be) then that's exactly what you're doing. No excuses.

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curvyblacklez wrote:

Its never right to do something wrong. Keeping this subjuct to SL, (and not RL where,  
yep
, one will have to lie to their friend(s) about the way they look in that dress, or if their hair color is good, etc.) its always WRONG to lie when asked direct questions. 

Even in SL, there are certain circumstances where telling a lie is the only right thing to do.  Let me lay out a hypothetical situation for you:

You have a good friend from RL that is being stalked and harassed, by someone in SL, so badly that they've had to abandon their account and start over on a new one to get away from them.  Now, because you are the only person they trust not to divulge this information to anyone in SL, you are the only one they tell about their new account.  Now, the person that was been stalking them IMs you and asks if your friend has created another account in SL.

Do you mean to tell me it would be wrong for you to say no?  Even if you said that you can't tell them, that would be giving them information... you'd just as soon tell them yes.  So, honestly... is it really always wrong to lie when asked a direct question?

...Dres

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lying basically is wrong, if you are starting a relationship here, I noticed some said when role playing it ok, well role playing you all know it is a role, however, role playing is not an excuse to lie, all relationships are built on trust, and trust means you both know where you are coming from, so one role player and one not, both need to know this.

 

higher.

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Higher Enoch wrote:

lying basically is wrong, if you are starting a relationship here, I noticed some said when role playing it ok, well role playing you all know it is a role, however, role playing is not an excuse to lie, all relationships are built on trust, and trust means you both know where you are coming from, so one role player and one not, both need to know this.

 

higher.

I always assume everyone is roleplaying in SL, because there's simply know way to know any differently.  Even telling someone you're a different sex in RL than you really are could be viewed by some as part of the roleplay... perhaps I've grown cynical.

...Dres

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