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WhiteLione

RL and SL Feelings

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HI

Ok so I am still new and trying to understand all of this, well first I want to say I am now single again in SL…hehehe:matte-motes-bashful-cute-2: as me and my SL gf broke it off but it was a mutual decision (she did not like the look of her Av and could not get it wright:matte-motes-big-grin:) so we decide to just let it be, but I still flirt with her other alt which is likes and we have fun with it

Anyway  what I would like to know and understand is, I keep seeing all this broken harts in here, of women and some male too being left by there SL bf/gf/husband/wife, because they were cheated on, or what ever and asking to be cured form having the hart broken again, which I do believe there is no cure for neither in SL or RL. But what I see is that a lot of people get there feelings mixed up , and unintentionally bring there Sl feelings and make them RL, which is ok, but then they also have to be aware of that something might happen,  like there bf leaves them or catch them cheating or whatever, and they get there hart broken. It kind of worries me as I wonder if some of my female friends here in SL is starting to getting “deeper “feelings for me, as I get this impression the way they are and the way they talk to me and say thing, and a few of them sends me IM shortly after I come online and they happened to be on-line too. Maybe I am over reacting for al I know(that would be good:matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:)). But if I am not!! Then what should I do. Remind them every time they come on lin that in RL I have a gf that I love, so we will only be just friends. So if anyone has any good suggestions so that I don’t look like the bad guy, I am being honest and upfront with them as what I like and how I play.

I please don’t look at me as being conceded or that I think I”I am all that” because I don`t. In any case it is my AV who is getting all the attention form the women, all I do is tell them what he should sayJ 

One thing I do believe also is that it is easier for a someone who is attached  to keep  there SL Feeling and RL Feeling separate, then it is for someone who is  Single. I do belive that if I was single I would have to keep reminding myself a lot more that this a game, and make sure That I keep it all light

thanks

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 Looking at your profile, the way it reads now with your interests including flirting with the ladies, romance, and seduction,  there's no indication that you might not be interested in things going further if the right woman were to come along.

You can always put something in your profile to make it clear that you have a RL girlfriend and aren't wanting any romance outside of SL. 

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There are two very different ways to approach "relationships" in SL. When people who use the two different approaches try to mix, people get hurt.

Many people in SL see their avatars as fictional characters that they have fun with, and NOT an extension of themselves. For them, anything that their storybook characters do may be fun, entertaining and engaging, but it's no more "real" to them than it is for George Lucas when he writes a love scene between Han Solo and Princess Leia in Star Wars. Most people in this group who already have real-life boyfriends / girlfriends / wives / husbands / companions or whatever, are honestly not seeking to "cheat on them", but are just seeking entertainment, like when they buy a DVD movie or a romance novel. People in this group usually also see no problem with multiple relationships in SL, with either one avatar or alts, since to them, the characters are fictional anyway. A book author can write about many couples in the same book, with no issues.

But there are other people in SL who DO see their avatar as a direct extension of themselves. They invest their real-life feelings and emotional responses in the actions and relationships of their avatars, and they often welcome or actively seek the possibility of meeting up with their SL friends in real life and taking those relationships 'to the next level'. People in this group who also have real-life relationships going are either intentionally cheating on their real-life partners, or are polyamorous and see no problem with maintaining multiple intimate relationships. People in this group often also have a hard time realizing that not everyone's mind works this way, and that others could exist as described for the first group. They also often have a very hard time understanding why anyone would want an alt, or could have relationships with their alt that have nothing to do with some other avatar that they own. To people in the "my avatar is me" camp, that is cheating.

Those two groups should NEVER have relationships with each other. The ones who see their avatar as themselves will inevitably get hurt emotionally, when the one who doesn't see it that way can't give that same level of real-life emotional or relationship commitment. The one that was only seeking an in-world relationship could also ruin their real-life relationship, when their virtual girlfriend/boyfriend starts trying to encroach on their real life mate's territory, and the real life partner reacts to defend their position.

This still won't stop problems where one side intentionally lies to the other about their position or circumstances. But that is no different than dating in real life. And it still won't prevent someone who starts out in one camp from crossing the line emotionally and drifting into the other. Some times a relationship may form with the best of intentions, and evolve in unexpected ways. Those are the risks you take with any relationship.

The best thing do do is before things get intimate, make sure you know which camp you and the other person are in. If you already have a RL girlfriend, and are just looking for in-world entertainment, make sure that any potential in-world intimate friends know and accept that, from the beginning. 

Being clear on expectations is an essential part of making any relationship work. Ignoring that is like knowing you could only marry a girl of the same religion that you follow, and of the same ethnicity, but choosing to date girls of any religious background or ethnicity. At some point, that failure to make your own expectations clear, that your future bride has to be Black and Southern Baptist, for example, could blow up in your face when that Japanese Shinto-faith girl you've been fooling around with wants to marry you, or you suddenly realize she's become your lifemate, but that your family would never accept her as your bride. 

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Thank you Jena,

It is strange, as I did this a few days ago, so when I you told me what I could do, I went to see if it was not here, and it was not!,  So thank you I have now put it back that In Rl I have a GF who I love with all my hart (witch I do )

Thank you

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I read an article that the brain can't sort reality from virtual experiences. I believe it. I dream I am in SL.

I am me in SL. Not a cartoon. I don't play games with hearts or minds.  Realtionships for me in SL are the same as RL.

I have one avatar I use all the time. I am her and she is me. 

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Ceera has answerered your question comprehensively and it really couldn't be put better.   To the OP, i'm glad that you care enough about not hurting people's feelings that you posted the question.

You don't need to remind anyone each time you're online that you're taken in RL.  You just need to amend your profile accordingly.

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OK What really annoys me with sl relationships is the profiles that talk about the feelings behind the avi when the only feelings they care about is their own I dont want RL and I make that clear but I do make friends and after months of spending hours with my  friend "partner" his rl wifey who cares soooo much about the feelings behind the avi makes him dump me?

OK right then my friend is dead I guess....... thanks for caring about MY feelings there.

FOCROFLMAO

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Is there a difference between felings in SL and RL? Is it not one and the same human being behind the avatar? Many poeople think that they can RP and keep them separate, but that is not usually the case when emotions become involved, it would take a fine actor to do that. I think there is a tendancy with younger people to think of avs as fictional or uinimportant, perhaps because they have grown up with video games, but other avs on SL are real, not computer generated.

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On 11/12/2011 at 2:22 AM, Faye Feldragonne said:

I read an article that the brain can't sort reality from virtual experiences. I believe it. I dream I am in SL.

I am me in SL. Not a cartoon. I don't play games with hearts or minds.  Realtionships for me in SL are the same as RL.

I have one avatar I use all the time. I am her and she is me. 

I am the same way too Faye. Sadly enough there's not many of us out there in SL. To most ppl in SL everything is a game. I always tell 'm then go play the sims that's a game. SL is a virtual world not a game and you do deal with rl human beings who are behind the avatar with RL emotions feelings thoughts etc.

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1 hour ago, JimmyFishermanDean said:

I always tell 'm then go play the sims that's a game.

Two things, 1. What gives you the right to tell me how to do SL, 2. This thread is from 2011.

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10 hours ago, Talligurl said:

Two things, 1. What gives you the right to tell me how to do SL, 2. This thread is from 2011.

On the second, there's been a spate of necro'ed threads again and sometimes that happens after a spammer hits the forums. To anyone looking in after a mod's cleaned up the spam posts, it looks like the first repliers are responsible for it when all they did was not think to look at the date before replying to a bumped thread. I don't know if that happened here, but (imo) it's something to be aware of.

Perhaps an answer to the first is that it's how Jimmy does his SL and if you have a right to tell him off, he also has a right to share his opinions.

Years ago someone made a sign that says "The only real things in Second Life are our feelings, so please take care of each other." I think it's the same idea as the one underlying Jimmy's, only expressed more politely. Do you disagree when it's phrased this way? Could that be the start for a more productive conversation?

Edited by Bitsy Buccaneer
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56 minutes ago, Bitsy Buccaneer said:

Do you disagree when it's phrased this way?

 

I do not disagree at all about caring for others feelings, I always try to do this in both RL and SL. I disagree with his statement that those of us who do not use SL as an extension of our RLs should go play SIMs instead. There are many reasons to use SL, what is unique about this platform is that it uses user created content. We all need to aware that others may not be here for the same reasons as we are, and respect that fact. To me Jimmy does not respect it.

Edited by Talligurl
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32 minutes ago, Talligurl said:

I disagree with his statement that those of us who do not use SL as an extension of our RLs should go play SIMs instead. 

Personally, I think they meant “if you think SL is a ‘game’ “ then “play Sims because that is a game” (implying they do not see SL as a game).

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22 minutes ago, Talligurl said:

I do not disagree at all about caring for others feelings, I always try to do this in both RL and SL. I disagree with his statement that those of us who do not use SL as an extension of our RLs should go play SIMs instead. There are many reasons to use SL, what is unique about this platform is that it uses user created content. We all need to aware that others may not be here for the same reasons as we are, and respect that fact. To me Jimmy does not respect it.

But is that (in bold) really what he said?

I think he was talking more about the importance of recognising that the people we meet here have feelings, that other avatars have people behind them and aren't game characters to be manipulated.

I don't think that's really all that far off from how you feel, Talli.

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1 hour ago, Bitsy Buccaneer said:

But is that (in bold) really what he said?

I think he was talking more about the importance of recognising that the people we meet here have feelings, that other avatars have people behind them and aren't game characters to be manipulated.

I don't think that's really all that far off from how you feel, Talli.

The clue to their meaning is in the post they quoted when responding ...

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3 hours ago, Bitsy Buccaneer said:

Years ago someone made a sign that says "The only real things in Second Life are our feelings, so please take care of each other." I think it's the same idea as the one underlying Jimmy's, only expressed more politely. Do you disagree when it's phrased this way? Could that be the start for a more productive conversation?

I'd forgotten about that sign; someone mentioned it in the forum back in 2011-2012 or so and it made the rounds. I asked for and received a copy then; I am almost certain the sign's older than that, though. A friend and I had made a little reading room/library on a parcel across from my house that I'd built into a small public park; we put the sign up on the library wall.

I'll have to dig through my inventory; I'm sure I still have it.

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2 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Personally, I think they meant “if you think SL is a ‘game’ “ then “play Sims because that is a game” (implying they do not see SL as a game).

This may be, I still disagree, I would never tell someone else that is using SL, that they need to stop and do something else, the diversity of reasons people are here is one of the beauties of it. 

Edited by Talligurl
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13 hours ago, Talligurl said:

Two things, 1. What gives you the right to tell me how to do SL, 2. This thread is from 2011.

omg i gave a like to a post from 2011

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17 minutes ago, Dillon Levenque said:

I'd forgotten about that sign; someone mentioned it in the forum back in 2011-2012 or so and it made the rounds. I asked for and received a copy then; I am almost certain the sign's older than that, though. A friend and I had made a little reading room/library on a parcel across from my house that I'd built into a small public park; we put the sign up on the library wall.

I'll have to dig through my inventory; I'm sure I still have it.

I'm pretty sure we're still friends Dillon, even though we're never inworld at the same time anymore. Swing by my shops (first pick) if you can't find yours and you want a copy x

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16 minutes ago, Phorumities said:

omg i gave a like to a post from 2011

"Age shall not wither her, nor custom stale..."

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4 hours ago, Bitsy Buccaneer said:

On the second, there's been a spate of necro'ed threads again and sometimes that happens after a spammer hits the forums. To anyone looking in after a mod's cleaned up the spam posts, it looks like the first repliers are responsible for it when all they did was not think to look at the date before replying to a bumped thread. I don't know if that happened here, but (imo) it's something to be aware of.

Perhaps an answer to the first is that it's how Jimmy does his SL and if you have a right to tell him off, he also has a right to share his opinions.

Years ago someone made a sign that says "The only real things in Second Life are our feelings, so please take care of each other." I think it's the same idea as the one underlying Jimmy's, only expressed more politely. Do you disagree when it's phrased this way? Could that be the start for a more productive conversation?

The sign should have read, "The only real things in SL are human emotions, so please, be excellent to each other." ;)

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3 hours ago, Talligurl said:

I do not disagree at all about caring for others feelings, I always try to do this in both RL and SL. I disagree with his statement that those of us who do not use SL as an extension of our RLs should go play SIMs instead. There are many reasons to use SL, what is unique about this platform is that it uses user created content. We all need to aware that others may not be here for the same reasons as we are, and respect that fact. To me Jimmy does not respect it.

Funny thing is, OP had no idea of just how many of us really do play The Sims games. I've been playing the Sims games since 2000. Yes, I have them all and still play 2 and 3 along with 4. The Sims also uses creator content. Most of what I have in all 4 iterations is from content creators, not EA/Maxis. In that respect there is no difference between The Sims and SL (check your Library in Inventory). Both provide some "beginning" content but nothing more. Its left to the content creators to help players/users create their own worlds using their imaginations. 

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I don't think you can play SL and leave RL feelings completely out of it, unless you are constantly just having flings everywhere you go and never making friends. Even friendships in sl require some type of real human emotion. And yes, I'm one of those people who have been hurt here a few times, but for some reason I keep on coming back.

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