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MoiselleErin Teardrop

How do I react to this?

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If somebody doesn't have much of a life outside of SL, virtual friends can be very important. In some cases, they are the only social contacts a person has. But that doesn't mean that you owe your SL friends anything. SL really does take a backseat to RL. If it doesn't, people need to get their priorities straight.

I'm happy for my SL friends if they manage to get themselves a real life, or if they are happier in a different MMO. I will, however, kick them off my friends list once they stop logging in. That's probably the best for both parties. It frees me to seek out new friends who spend as much time in SL as I do, and the expat needs no longer worry about social commitments in SL.

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I agree with Ishtara, SL should always take a back seat to RL and I'm sure that the vast majority of well-adjusted individuals follow that view. This friend of yours should be happy for you. I do care about my SL friends but if push comes to shove, my RL family, friends and work take precedence. Anything else is unhealthy.

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I don't think it's so much an SL vs RL sort of issue.  Friends are friends, whether met online or at the corner store.  But life happens and we sometimes end up drifting apart, that's all.  Even when it may be because some other facet of life actually got better, the drifting away is pretty much always going to have at least some less than happy bits to it.  It will take some time for her to adjust to you not being around so much.

 

 

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Ganelon Darkfold wrote:

I don't think it's so much an SL vs RL sort of issue.  Friends are friends, whether met online or at the corner store.  But life happens and we sometimes end up drifting apart, that's all.

^^ This.

It's not about getting the best RL or the best SL... it's about getting the best L, period. And if she truly is a friend and cares about you, she should be happy for you and not be selfish.

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Exactly, one has little to do with the other.

I have a very busy RL, I run a company and have a social life, money, pets, romance, hobbies, antiques to collect, dances to learn, stockings to darn, etc, etc.

Yet I enjoy spending at least an hour every day in SL to talk to friends and manage my sim.

SL & RL fit well together, at least for me.

But I don't have a tv so this is part of my entertainment that other people perhaps get from staring at the box.

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I agree with Randall, she simply misses you and lacks the ability to just come right out and say it.  Perhaps, you could try thinking about it from that perspective instead of getting defensive and insinuating that she needs to get an RL as well, that honestly can't be doing the relationship much good.  Besides that, it could very well be that she was not being sarcastic when she said she understood, but that you took it that way because, somehow, you feel a bit guilty for not having the time to devote to a friendship that you obviously value.

Just make it clear that you still value her friendship as much as ever, even though you're not around as much.  A little reassurance from you may go a long way.

Good luck ...Dres

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Ren Toxx wrote:

And if she truly is a friend and cares about you, she should be happy for you and not be selfish.


People are all selfish, to some degree or another, though.  Even a good friend may have a bit of jealousy about your accomplishments or be a bit sulky if you are spending less time with them than you used to.  That's just human nature.  If they are a good friend, they'll most likely get over it after they have some time to adjust.

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My closest SL friends are like close RL friends--I do not distinguish in which life I met them.   Look at it from your friend's perspective.  What if you logged on one day and she was no longer on your friends list?  You shared many fun times together.  Do you 'rely' on her to provide your fun the odd times you come inworld?

She misses you.  Would you miss her?

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I agree with the other posters.

 

She just misses you. It happens a lot, both in SL and RL, good friends get married, a carreer, move to another place, have kids. Suddenly there is not much time for hanging out with each other and you loose sight of each other.

It is up to you how you want to let that friendship evolve. There is a whole range there from the christmas card and the meet up every two or three years to an active friendship where you see or text each other weekly. It is up to you both.

 

Maybe you should explain you are a friend with the person that pilots the avatar and that you value that friendship, regardless the hours spent in SL or the technology you use to stay in touch. If you value the friendship, try to make the time in SL valuable for that friendship, spending time with that friend doing what you both like. If your shedules are incompatible, an IM or notecard with a hello, some pleasant news and a question how she has been may be the solution.

Let her know you want her as a friend and not just an Second Life friend.

 

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She miss you and maybe just needs a sign that you still care about her and want her as a friend. Talk to her, when you spend a little time in sl, make her feel important to you. If you don't have a problem with it: Share some contactinformations with her.

Don't make her feel like an old toy :)

Just don't jugde the way she deals with SL and her feelings about you being away for a long time. Maybe you can see it from the other side: There is someone out there in the world who miss you and thinks about you.

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What a good topic and I had never really thought long on something like this before.

I have been lucky for the most part when it comes to people that I am close to in SL understanding that I have a career, I am a mom, daughter, friend, yoga nut . . .  *breathes* I have a lot going on in RL so there are times when I can't be in SL or my time is limited when I am there.  The same thing applies to them, in my view.

Being that you are good friends with the person in question, I would think that a good talk would be in order and maybe setting up an email address with your SL name so that you can say hello on the days that you are not able to log in. If she values the friendship, the talk should help and she should be happy that you have great things going on in RL.

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People tend to be inconsiderate of other's inworld time. Every time I login I am bombarded with IMs. It isn't that I don't want to talk to people I've added to my Friends list, it's that I may be working on something or doing something and incessant distractions become annoying. If I'm available to chat I usually just IM a <3 or :) and then the other person can respond, or not, depending on whether they're busy or want to chat or not. I explain this to people who repeatedly IM me as soon as I log in and they either get the message or I change my settings so they can't see when I come online. There are people who somehow seem to know when I come online anyway. I've not unfriended anyone yet, but I may have to. Since some people seem to feel free to hog one's time on a short term basis, I can certainly imagine how someone could come to want to dominate someone else's time over a long term friendship. I just try to be compassionate of people so needy. After a point, tho, I guess one just has to let 'em go...

Jeanne

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Maybe you thought she was being sarcastic because she didn't say "congratulations on your job".

About all you can do is send a card or a note explaining what the friendship meant to you, and you hope that she has a terrific real life also.

That's what I would do, send a note of some kind. 

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When you were on SL before, did you use voice with your friend? If you did, maybe you could talk on the phone with her instead? I think you probably know in your heart whether you want to stay friends with her or not. As your life has changed, your friendship has to change some too, though. You can't spend the same amount of time in SL as you used to do. But don't make the fact that she does still spend alot of her time in SL an issue between the both of you.

People lose touch with friends for many different reasons. Sometimes you're work friends & one of you moves to a different job. Sometimes one of you gets married & has kids, while the other stays single. People might be drinking buddies & one goes sober. Whatever the reasons are that pull you apart, you have to decide if you want to put in the effort to stay friends when your circumstances change.

I don't think the issue is really about SL, but rather about adjusting to changes in your life.

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If something is important to you, you make the time.

Maybe your friend is upset because of something you might have said. I know I would be.

The truth will set all parties free. If you cannot be candid and forthright with a friend; maybe you shouldn't be friends.

 

 

 

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Well for one she shoul dbe happy for you but on the other hand you shouldnt get mad at her.. she values her friendship with you just be polite and tell her you won tbe on as much and she'll understand....

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You say you know her so well and yet you need to ask a group of strangers why she had this reaction to your suddenly being awol?

It wouldn't matter why you went awol. She got used to your friendship and now has to adapt to being largely without it.

That seems to be what she's feeling. Did you need to be told that?

Also did it occur to you that she may not have anything else except SL. Maybe she is bed bound and has no other outlet. In that case, telling her to do what you did would be cruel. Maybe she can't. Maybe she's tried.

It seems you do not know anything about her RL or you would not need to ask us about it.

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I think it's cute how your sudden disdain for "SL Addicts" comes through in your post, especially since you (admittedly) used to be one just a few short weeks ago.  

I think that's what she's picking up on. It's not so much that she's "jealous" or "upset" at the turn of events. I think she's right pissed off at your disdain for people that you used to be. 

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Pretty much all of the worthwhile angles have been covered here, but I'll share something I heard forever ago that I remind myself about every now and then when this sort of topic comes up...

"No one think about you more than you do"

The context that little gem was handed out in was during summer camp following a typical he said, she said, they said, so and so hurt my feelings sort of affair.  Why I found it so valuable is that it freed me to go back to the arts and crafts center and focus on my pottery rather than continue to worry about which camp of 'friends' I fell into and who thought what about who, me, or whatever. 

Like others have said, you may never know all the reasons for the attitudes or things that are said, the only thing you can do is decide how it affects you and realize that it probably effects the other person far less than you may believe (although you'll never know what's in the other person's head no matter how much advice you take or thought you put into it).  C'est la vie essentially.

Put your time, thought, and energy into doing fun and productive things in RL, SL, or wherever for however long you choose and you'll find like minded friends and drift away from others.  Don't let how someone else get's bent take your mind into a spin cycle... you will likely never know the true and potentially painful reasons why you're getting that treatment and it won't change anything anyway.  Worse yet, don't think about how you're causing any of these feelings too much either... your friend may not be thinking or concerned about it anywhere near as much as you think.  You may simply be an easy target after a bad day, week, year for them.

I ended up working alone that evening after the camp drama, and I worked alone for quite a while, but eventually folks who simply wanted to make happy bright yellow vases trickled in and we didn't talk about the incident again.  A couple other folks who I thought were 'friends' continued to sulk and stew and over the years they proved themselves to be that same group who sulked and stewed year after year for whatever reasons.  How schizophrenic could I be now if I'd tried to figure their sulking out over all that time?  (I'd certainly have two less pieces of pottery in the house)

Enjoy your RL, SL, and whatever makes you happy with whoever pleasantly shares that time with you.

Lanas

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hmm, a lot more civil responses than I imagined would come.

Yeah I will probably have to give her my cell number cause SL has more-less fallen to the bottom of my priority list lately.

I do not have a problem with SL addicts, I just regret how much time *I* wasted on it.

 

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