You are Ugly and Your Mother Dresses You Funny

[Ima Rang]

SL always presents issues that are easily resolved and/or avoided in RL.  After a conversation with one of the first people I met in SL in 2007, I thought it might be an interesting discussion. 

A group of SL residents hangout frequently and a male avi and female avi, find themselves drawn to each other because they share a similar set of interests and sense of humor.  They start spending time together, things get romantic, they even take their first leap together into something different for both of them, yes, you guessed it, they took turns on the spanker machine!  Things are going swimmingly, both are starting to feel some warm and fuzzy inside their RL body, he is her prince charming and she is the stuff his fantasies are made of....and then the female avi wants to discuss exclusivity, perhaps even a RL meeting at some point.  The male avi is not completely opposed to the idea, but decides perhaps they should exchange RL photos of themselves and get to know each other on a more personal basis before taking such a giant step.  Pictures are exchanged. 

She is pleasantly surprised, he is more handsome than she had imagined.  He is mortified and his bat and balls haul ass for the dugout and his fantasy is shattered.

So now the warm and fuzzy feelings have grown for her and his warm and fuzzy feelings died a sudden and violent death.  He knows that she has been going through a difficult time and has no desire to hurt her feelings,  He tries to continue the romance, but the image is burned into his minds eye.  She asks about exclusivity again...he panics.  He makes himself out to be a cad of a man, a player, hoping this terrible charchter trait of his will turn her off and she will think him not worth one more minute of her time, but, at least he will not of hurt her feelings on such a self-esteem battering level.  The plan totally backfired, she could cure him of his evil ways and she emailed and IM'd with the intensity of a stalker.  After a week or so of increasingly intense behavior on her part, he felt he had no choice but to mute her as the situation was interferring with his work and general state of happiness.

She launched a widespread hate campaign against him amongst their mutual friends.  He left SL for six months. 

Women are emotionally driven, are more apt to think that looks are not everything and he should love and appreciate her for her inards.

Men are visual creatures.

There is someone for everyone as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you don't always want to beholden everyone...no matter how nice and/or fun they are.  And some people don't want to "just be friends."

Would, after a picture exchange, you prefer for your pixel dream to be blatantly honest and tell you that they are not physically attracted to you?  How would you react?

 

[Hayley Spore]

Physical attraction is an important part of any relationship. While the emotional bond may be enough to hold an existing relationship together once the physical attraction begins to fade, it is often (not always!) enough to get a new one started or move to the next step.

Not only that but communication is the single most important part of any relationship. If you can't be honest and open about something as important as, "I am not attracted to you and do not wish to persue a relationship" then it is doomed to fail right from the start.

I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble for being blunt and honest in the past, but it has also saved my bacon more times than I care to count. I would much rather that my significant other just outright tell me how they feel so we can deal with it right away, rather than dancing around until I figure it out myself.

 

Just my two cents! :matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:

 

[Ima Rang]

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Hayley Spore wrote:

Physical attraction is an important part of any relationship. While the emotional bond may be enough to hold an existing relationship together once the physical attraction begins to fade, it is often (not always!) enough to get a new one started or move to the next step.

Not only that but communication is the single most important part of any relationship. If you can't be honest and open about something as important as, "I am not attracted to you and do not wish to persue a relationship" then it is doomed to fail right from the start.

I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble for being blunt and honest in the past, but it has also saved my bacon more times than I care to count. I would much rather that my significant other just outright tell me how they feel so we can deal with it right away, rather than danging around until I figure it out myself.

 

Just my two cents! :matte-motes-bashful-cute-2:

 

---

Yes, I am very blunt myself, and prefer the direct approach.  However, I guess I can see that if you know someone is already down, that the desire not to kick them with that kind of honesty.  It is kind of like the "Do these jeans make my ass look fat" question.  No dear. is the appropriate response, but it is rarely the honest response. 

[Jo Yardley]

Send someone an ugly photo showing someone else sounds like a great plan to check if the other party is shallow and cares about appearance too much.

[Jacki Silverfall]

So that's what happened...

 

I wouldn't care what they looked like. It's the one behind the avatar that is the heart and soul. But then I'm not a man. I think it would be pretty shallow on his part. He should have stood up as a man and told the truth. Hey, I'm just not into you anymore.

[Jo Yardley]

He should have told her that after seeing her photo that he realised she was not his type but they should meet anyway to see if their 'love' was more then skindeep.

Many couples have found 'true love' with someone who did not look the way they wished they did.

One of my great loves in life was far from handsome but great great guy anyway.

Once they at least meet up once he can know and explain that it 'just doesn't work out' in RL and they could both go on with their lifes without too much heart ache.

Because even if she was a model, they could discover that when they meet up in RL things just didn't spark as much as in SL.

[Jacki Silverfall]

I think taking a RL step is going  to far in this case.

He should have been honest. period

My husband is no fox either but I wouldn't trade him for anything.

[ErynnClover2]

This is tough, when I read this I first thought, man up and tell her! Sure her feelings might get hurt but at least you don't have to go months with her stalking you, and plus she probably knows what's up. If before that the two of them were shagging every damn day and after he got her picture the shagging stopped and he didn't want to spend as much time with her, then I feel she would probably know. Plus people shouldn't get so butt hurt over what people think you look like and if they find you Hawt or sexy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if that person things you aren't attractive, move one, but don't go crazy and create a hate group. 

However, Im in a similar situation, or at least I could be. My partner and I have become extremely close and enjoy what the other has to bring into the relationship, we aren't exclusive in RL because RL is RL sl is sl, yaddah yaddah, if I got the 10k to ship myself over to the UK I don't know that I would so quickly just to be with him ANYWAY! I was talking with a friend and she and I talked about this. I know Im attractive and many guys and girls find me attractive, so no skin off my back if one person didn't think so. But if I saw him and he was Pounds and goofy looking I don't think I can have the same relationship. Humans are very visual, the reason we are sexually attracted to one type or the next is because our animal instinct is telling us "This person is a good mating buddy, have many babies with them" why do we not find 400lb men with goofy faces attractive? Because the animal instinct in us tells us that that's bad genetics. So Even I, a female have some visual needs. And Like wise if he didn't find me attractive, it wouldn't kill me, because I know Im pretty I feel pretty, more power to the haters etc. 

So Like I said its tough on one hand you want the guy to just tell the girl and you want the girl to not get so but ass hurt, but I know many women who are my friends and I've said "Man your sl boobs make you look a little thick" (not obese or fat or lard ass) 'thick' and they've totally gone nuts over that little itty bitty thing. So tough question, tough answers I guess case by case right?

[Qwalyphi Korpov]

 The resident who provided the previous content, if any, has replaced it with this generic statement.

[Dresden Ceriano]

The way I heard it, he thought she was gorgeous and wanted to meet her in the worst way. 

Only, the next day, while driving to work, he got side swiped by a pick-up who's driver had been carrying on a little too much the night before, sending him into a two month long coma before he lost the battle and faded away.  Of course, this was all relayed by a "friend" who signed onto his account only to tell the love of his life the bad news.

...Dres

[Jacki Silverfall]

ROFL!

Your a cutey pie :smileywink:

[Ima Rang]

---

Jo Yardley wrote:

Send someone an ugly photo showing someone else sounds like a great plan to check if the other party is shallow and cares about appearance too much.

---

So one persons dishonest act to determine shallowness, is more acceptable that of the other  persons dishonesty to prevent crushing someones self-esteem? 

I don't think it is shallow for someone to say, I'm not physically attracted to you.  I am very into fitness, and healthy eating and appreciate a well taken care of smile, I can imagine that if a man that I was interested in sent me a pic and he weighed 500 lbs and had but a single tooth in his face, that while I might want to keep him as a friend and continue to enjoy the parts of our connection that were appealing, I could not and should not have to look past issues that are physically and sexually unappealing in order to be considered a person of depth.

 

 

[Jo Yardley]

I think it is shallow to end a relationship over it AFTER having been romantic for a long time and being very attracted to each other because of each others personality.

Would you end a relationship if the person you are in love with had an accident that changed their face or if they gained a lot of weight and became unhealthy?

And in SL isn't that all we can be attracted too as we have no idea what really is on the other side of the internet cable?

If you love someone because of their personality, you should at least give things a try even if they don't look as you had hoped.

Personally I avoid all this by simply having an avatar that looks like I do in RL hehehe, well that and that I don't care about any kind of romance in SL.

[Rowan Villiers]

I like this idea.

 

As far as the op goes, if the person is truly so superficial as to lose all interest after one picture, then they weren't worth bothering with, and good luck to them ever finding anything meaningful.  Most people I know look significantly better in person.  The girl in this situation should just be glad she dodged a bullet, because a guy like that sounds like a cheater waiting to happen.  What happens when you start to get old together?  Pfft.  Looks are one of the least important aspects of any long term, happy relationship, because the people in those relationships realize that's the one thing that is going to change no matter what you do.  People stressing looks are still too immature to handle serious relationships, because they have no grasp of that yet.

I don't put rl pictures in my SL profile anymore, because even though I'm not a model by any means, it leads to lots of creepiness and very unwanted IMs from strangers.

**edited to fix typos**

[Ima Rang]

---

ErynnClover2 wrote:

This is tough, when I read this I first thought, man up and tell her! Sure her feelings might get hurt but at least you don't have to go months with her stalking you, and plus she probably knows what's up. If before that the two of them were shagging every damn day and after he got her picture the shagging stopped and he didn't want to spend as much time with her, then I feel she would probably know. Plus people shouldn't get so butt hurt over what people think you look like and if they find you Hawt or sexy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if that person things you aren't attractive, move one, but don't go crazy and create a hate group. 

However, Im in a similar situation, or at least I could be. My partner and I have become extremely close and enjoy what the other has to bring into the relationship, we aren't exclusive in RL because RL is RL sl is sl, yaddah yaddah, if I got the 10k to ship myself over to the UK I don't know that I would so quickly just to be with him ANYWAY! I was talking with a friend and she and I talked about this. I know Im attractive and many guys and girls find me attractive, so no skin off my back if one person didn't think so. But if I saw him and he was Pounds and goofy looking I don't think I can have the same relationship. Humans are very visual, the reason we are sexually attracted to one type or the next is because our animal instinct is telling us "This person is a good mating buddy, have many babies with them" why do we not find 400lb men with goofy faces attractive? Because the animal instinct in us tells us that that's bad genetics. So Even I, a female have some visual needs. And Like wise if he didn't find me attractive, it wouldn't kill me, because I know Im pretty I feel pretty, more power to the haters etc. 

So Like I said its tough on one hand you want the guy to just tell the girl and you want the girl to not get so but ass hurt, but I know many women who are my friends and I've said "Man your sl boobs make you look a little thick" (not obese or fat or lard ass) 'thick' and they've totally gone nuts over that little itty bitty thing. So tough question, tough answers I guess case by case right?

---

I agree.  I think most women or men even, would get the message, but some simply do not.  In my opinion, the most attractive thing in a woman or man is self-confidence, not arrogance, but self-confidence.  I think in this scenario, had the woman had a high degree of self-confidence, she would have not persued someone who made themselves out to be a cad and player after being alerted to the fact, and alternatively, if if he had told her that he did not find her physically to be his type, she would have had enough intestinal fortitude to understand that looks may not be everything, but they are something...and simply continued to enjoy the relationship as a friendship.  Spreading hatred throughout the group of mutual friends is, IMHO, very telling as to her true character and evidence that she was low on the self-esteem to begin with.

[Jo Yardley]

Mind you, I am pretty easy with sharing photos and RL info, being very easy to track down because I am such a celebrity it is useless to hide it anyway.

So anyone who comes even close enough for me to consider meeting them in RL would already have seen photos, tv interviews, newspaper articles, centerfolds from 'Boring old fashioned housewives weekly' etc

I think I have my RL photo in my profile, don't remember to be honest, never had much creepyness following up on it.

Either because creeps don't fancy me or because I spend 99% of my time in just one sim with the same bunch of people who are either not creepy or creepy in a fun way

[Void Singer]

meh, as a woman I say tell me... I despise being led on, and having my time wasted.

but then I only have three requirements that I just will not compromise on.... Must be intelligent, have or appreciate sharp dry wit, and be female. (that said, I don't look for dating opportunities in SL)

[Ima Rang]

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Jo Yardley wrote:

I think it is shallow to end a relationship over it AFTER having been romantic for a long time and being very attracted to each other because of each others personality.

Would you end a relationship if the person you are in love with had an accident that changed their face or if they gained a lot of weight and became unhealthy?

And in SL isn't that all we can be attracted too as we have no idea what really is on the other side of the internet cable?

If you love someone because of their personality, you should at least give things a try even if they don't look as you had hoped.

Personally I avoid all this by simply having an avatar that looks like I do in RL hehehe, well that and that I don't care about any kind of romance in SL.

---

Well, technically, prior to seeing pictures, you are attracted to the toons or the image of the person that you develop in your own head.  The "relationship" was less than a month, which may be like what, 50 years in SL time?

Why should you give it a try based on love of personality alone?  If you know you are not physically or sexually attracted to a particular body type, why not avoid deepening the hurt by cutting bait instead of prolonging the inevitable?  If you really know yourself, you know what your limitations are.

If my SO was altered physically due to an accident, no, I would not consider leaving the relationship.

If my SO gained a ton of weight, and refused to do anything about it after a gentle request that he do so, yeah, I would figure if he did not care about himself and his health any more than that, his care for me was probably equally limited.  If he gained a little extra around the middle due to normal aging, no, I would not care.

I avoid SL romance as well.

 

 

[Jacki Silverfall]

They both made mistakes.

Her; Ooh I'll get him for this, I'll spread hate

Him; I'll play the cad and mouse game and when that doesn't work I'll runaway.

ETA sorry Jo this didn't reply to the OP

[Madelaine McMasters]

Hate campaign? Ima, It doesn't help that the woman you describe is as ugly on the inside as the outside!

Maybe I'm an exception to the "norm", but I'm highly visual and (usually) able to temper my emotions.

What you are describing is just one part of the projection we do online. In the absence of RL cues. I imagine you all to be at least as pleasing to the eye as your avatars. I also imagine your voice is sexy, your conversational and table manners are impeccable and you don't get up to pee at 3AM. You, in turn, imagine that I'd tolerate all your foibles. Heaven help us if we meet in RL and you haven't previously disabused me of my fantasy. Your looks will not save you.

Certainly there are many stories of couples transitioning successfully from online to RL. (In fact, I'm sure this has been going on for hundreds of years, starting with handwritten letters.) In the scenario you created, both people should have been dropping hints about realities and expectations along the way. The truly self-aware will understand the need to gently transition from the projection to the reality, both for themselves and their partner. We all know what happens when we fail to manage expectations. The "blatant honesty" you mention isn't something to be saved for the last minute.

I'll let you all know right now that I'm not as good looking as Maddy (I'm not even as good looking as Snugs). I have vitiligo and by the end of summer I look like an emaciated guernsey cow in a sundress. If I catch you saying "like" more than three times in one minute with food in your mouth while you constantly stir the crushed ice in your glass, you'll wish you'd voted against "concealed carry".

See how easy it can be to manage expectations?!

[Venus Petrov]

SL being what it is, the way *I* heard it 'she' was really a 'he' and that is why the photo exchange 'mortified' the dude.

 

Wait.  That would never, ever happen.

[Ziggy21 Slade]

I think it's a bit unfair to suggest someone is shallow if they arent physically attracted to another. Physical attraction is an important part of the overall attraction and it can't just be ignored.

I would also refute this idea that this is some male thing and women are deep emotional creatures who are only interested in personalities, if thats actually true why would women pay so much attention to their personal appearance. Take a look at any dating site and the women who have profiles there, you will find a large percentage who are looking for a 'tall' man, I have several female friends who will automatically reject any man who is under 6 feet tall and these are not tall women , and I have lost count of the women who have rejected me  for this reason.

I was once in a very similar situatiuon to this myself, long before SL i built an online relationship with an American Woman, eventually we exchanged photos, I have to say when I saw hers (she sent several)  I was a little dissapointed with some but I was foolish enough to believe that I shouldnt be so shallow, eventually she came over to the UK to stay with me, we met in a London hotel, I can still remember the shock when I saw her for the first time, either cameras really do tell lies or she had aged 20 years during her Transatlantic Flight, after a day or two I came clean and told her I just wasn't attracted to her, it didn't make any difference, she dropped straight into desperate stalker mode just the same as the woman in the story, and I was subjected to weeks of drama and arguing and manipulation before I finally managed to shake her off.

Honesty sounds like a good idea, but in my experience it often isn't

[Pamela Galli]

---

Dresden Ceriano wrote:

The way I heard it, he thought she was gorgeous and wanted to meet her in the worst way. 

Only, the next day, while driving to work, he got side swiped by a pick-up who's driver had been carrying on a little too much the night before, sending him into a two month long coma before he lost the battle and faded away.  Of course, this was all relayed by a "friend" who signed onto his account only to tell the love of his life the bad news.

...Dres

---

:smileyvery-happy:

[Ishtara Rothschild]

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Jo Yardley wrote:

Send someone an ugly photo showing someone else sounds like a great plan to check if the other party is shallow and cares about appearance too much.

---

All people care about appearance, unless they're extremely desperate and/or have a very low self-esteem. I mean, inner values are all good and well, but appearance is important too. Nobody wants to undersell themselves.

[Ian Undercroft]

I don't think the man can be faulted at all. This is just an example of human nature at work. The relationship depended on an image (whether based on her avatar or otherwise) that he had created in his mind. When that image was shattered by the photo, the relationship, as it had been, was at end.

People such as her can choose to avoid being hurt in this way. Show a RL photo in your profile or at an early stage. This considerably reduces the scope for disllusionment. Of course, you may find you are less popular if, objectively, you are unattractive, but the relationships you do form will be stronger in that they will, likely, be based on your personality rather than your looks.