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Willow Danube

Ending a relationship.

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I've been thinking about this for sometime now. We often talked about the end of a romantic relationship. We discussed and argued about the results of such action. Was it fair? Was it necessary? How? Why? When? Where...

No matter how many questions we asked, discussed and argued about, in the end we all come into the same basic conclusion: When it is meant to be the end, then ending it will be the best thing to do.

But what about Friends? Those you have come to know, liked and got real close with? The relationship that was purely platonic or even brotherly/sisterly in most cases. Reasons may vary, it doesn't really matter. But what really matters is that at least one of them feels like there is no benefit from such union anymore. The friendship had gone luke warm and in some cases, turned sour.

In the past I've done the coward's way of poofing off into new accounts. It was easy and as like Anthony Bourdain would say it "No Reservation". There was at one point I wished I could do the same thing with Willow but I decided to bite the bullet and face the music. I've got a few reasons for that. First, I have plenty of no transfer built items and scripts in this inventory. Second, I spent a fortune on her. Third, I have a lot of other friends that I do care about. In short, Willow is pretty well an established avatar; not quite at the top (yet) but she is getting there... it would be totally unwise for me to cancel her account.

So, now instead of disappearing, I make them 'disappear' from my SL life. Some were way too easy to make and some required more reasons and time.... But there were those few that were really difficult for me to decide. They were the ones I used to consider as 'special' friends.... The ones that made me stared painfully at the 'Remove' button, had my finger playing with the cursor for a period of time, thinking.. just thinking if this was a bad idea, if I should give it another chance.... In the end I could only take a deep breath and say my final decision and removed them from my friends list.

Karma may come biting back at me one day. I can only defriend and hurt so many until that day comes when someone may returned the deed. What goes around comes around... I do believe in retribution. Whatever it is, all I can say for now is that I have no regrets from my decisions. It has always been justified, at least from my side of the view (In the end it is all about YOU, isn't it? ).

How about you? Will you fight for the relationship to work? Will you give up on it and end the relationship right away? Will you sit on it a while longer and do the cold shoulder treatment before you aim for the neck? Will you have any regrets? Why is it so much more difficult to end a friendship than a romantic relationship?

PS: Just in case you wondered, No... I'm not 'ending' it with anyone... Well, at least not for now. 

 

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I generally fight to keep a romantic relationship going, because I want to know that I did everything I could to make it work,

 

I have a less stellar track record with friendships. It seems like sometimes friends & I just grow apart, probably because I don't put in the same kind of effort to keep them going that I do with romantic relationships. Sometimes there is a falling out. Sometimes I just get tired of the person & let the contact slip. It hasn't been a problem for me in SL. If I want the person to stay friendly with me, I don't take them off my friends list, even if we've grown apart. You never know when they could swing back into your life. If I really see no reason to keep them on my friends list, then off they go. I've only ever had 1 person ask why I unfriended him, & that was some guy I'd just met in a store earlier that day.

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When it comes to relationships- romantic or platonic- one of the hardest things to do is to take a step back and assess whether either of you are meeting the other's needs. If you need something from your romances- be it lots of face time, affection, communication- and the other person isn't the kind of person that provides those things, then the fault falls away. You simply don't need or want the same things. Same with friendship. If for you, friendship means spending time on a weekly basis, keeping in touch, sharing secrets, then it's important you get that in friendship. If the person you've tried to be friends with doesn't provide that, then there's nothing wrong with moving on with your life.

It's easy to fixate on not wanting to let go- or the guilt that comes with doing so. I've sometimes been accused of letting go too quickly, moving on too quickly- but I just don't feel the need to cause hurt or dwell on something that simply doesn't work for either party.

I've  been guilt of av hopping myself. I love a fresh start, a new face and name. But in the last four years I've come to realize that while a few of my friends have followed me through those changes, I probably would have built a lot more around me if I'd stayed in the same av from the getgo. I'm trying now to stick with Mirage and not be such an escapist.

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Some relationships or friendships are for a lifetime, but others are for a REASON or a SEASON.

When you have a relationship for a REASON it is to fulfil a particular need you (or they) have at the time, and once that need is fulfilled the work is done and that person moves out of your life.

When you have a relationship for a SEASON your paths cross for a while, even though there is no particular purpose or need that brings you together. You will find that in time, your paths will take you both in different directions again with no cause or wrongdoing on either part; it is just the nature of the friendship that the time you have together will not be for ever.

Only a very, very tiny proportion of relationships are the LIFETIME sort, and it is a mistake to assume that they should all be.  The end of a relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just the natural way that things progress.

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Ironically, tho might be OT, and alt is ending a relationship today, there will be no deleting of the account, just a simple email, informing the other that the relationship is over.  After much thought and not an easy decision. But for happiness it was done.. But guesses there is another question in there..

The decision to end a semi blissfull relationship, was and is very painful, Hopes to never go through it again.

In Sl have been divorced by email, in RL ended relationship with a text. Is there really an easy way to break it off?

Sad to see one of my alts (die) delted..

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Willow Danube wrote:

You almost gave my mother a heart attack with your forum badge!!

Don't you think it is a little too early for the Hippistock fest? :smileyindifferent:

I am applying for membership to the LWL.

I am shopping for a new hat.

I am preparing for Hippiestock.

I want to participate in the three most active threads; do you think they will accpet me now?  

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Storm Clarence wrote:


Willow Danube wrote:

You almost gave my mother a heart attack with your forum badge!!

Don't you think it is a little too early for the Hippistock fest? :smileyindifferent:

I am applying for membership to the LWL.

I am shopping for a new hat.

I am preparing for Hippiestock.

I want to participate in the three most active threads; do you think they will accept me now?  

You forgot at least one more thing.  You must pay homage to their cult leader.  I have heard her name fearfully whispered around here....somewhere.

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Persephone Emerald wrote:

If I want the person to stay friendly with me, I don't take them off my friends list, even if we've grown apart. You never know when they could swing back into your life. If I really see no reason to keep them on my friends list, then off they go.

I guess I'm an oddball when it comes to this. I've been known to remove people on my list if I haven't seen them online for a few weeks. Some may come back a few months later asking why. There are also those I kept just because they've got sentimental values that reminds of the past. And there are those people who got removed as part of a collateral damage.

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Venus Petrov wrote:


Storm Clarence wrote:


Willow Danube wrote:

You almost gave my mother a heart attack with your forum badge!!

Don't you think it is a little too early for the Hippistock fest? :smileyindifferent:

I am applying for membership to the LWL.

I am shopping for a new hat.

I am preparing for Hippiestock.

I want to participate in the three most active threads; do you think they will accept me now?  

You forgot at least one more thing.  You must pay homage to their cult leader.  I have heard her name fearfully whispered around here....somewhere.

Don't forget the blood sacrifice.

...Dres

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You approach is a very practical one. At least to me. Ornamental values aside, I really don't see a good reason sometimes why we need to keep friends that aren't really there for us.

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Storm Clarence wrote:

Wrong comment for this forum.  

Don't worry... I'm not in domme mode right now. Everyone can have their jolie in this thread. I consider derailment as commercial breaks.

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Willow Danube wrote:


Storm Clarence wrote:

Wrong comment for this forum.  

Don't worry... I'm not in domme mode right now. Everyone can have their jolie in this thread. I consider derailment as commercial breaks.

I cared and for many reasons other than a derail.  Venus is my friend and she will accept my opinion, or not.  

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I forget who said it or where I read it, but it made sense to me, so I've taken it to heart... People come into your life to teach you something and as long as you have something to learn from them they will be a part of your life.  It may take a day... it may take a lifetime, but once you've got nothing more to learn from each other, then your time together will come to an end. 

Though, I'd add to that, that, in some cases, knowing when to let go is part of what you have to learn. 

...Dres

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Lewis Luminos wrote:

Some relationships or friendships are for a lifetime, but others are for a REASON or a SEASON.

When you have a relationship for a REASON it is to fulfil a particular need you (or they) have at the time, and once that need is fulfilled the work is done and that person moves out of your life.

When you have a relationship for a SEASON your paths cross for a while, even though there is no particular purpose or need that brings you together. You will find that in time, your paths will take you both in different directions again with no cause or wrongdoing on either part; it is just the nature of the friendship that the time you have together will not be for ever.

Only a very, very tiny proportion of relationships are the LIFETIME sort, and it is a mistake to assume that they should all be.  The end of a relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just the natural way that things progress.

THIS!!!!

But I gotta ask about the last one. While I agree with this as a general sentiment, I do not think this one in particular is applicable to Family or flesh & blood type fo relationships.

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Storm Clarence wrote:


Willow Danube wrote:


Storm Clarence wrote:

Wrong comment for this forum.  

Don't worry... I'm not in domme mode right now. Everyone can have their jolie in this thread. I consider derailment as commercial breaks.

I cared and for many reasons other than a derail.  Venus is my friend and she will accept my opinion, or not.  

Aren't you the 'sensitive' one? Must be the flower on your head.

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I remember when I ended it with my RL fiance someone had said to me that sometimes people came into your life not to make you happy but to teach you a lesson. He also said that one day I would look back into this day and I would be thankful that it happened. He is right.

I guess learning 'When' to let go is an art and ongoing lesson.

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Willow Danube wrote:

So, now instead of disappearing, I make them 'disappear' from my SL life. Some were way too easy to make and some required more reasons and time.... But there were those few that were really difficult for me to decide. They were the ones I used to consider as 'special' friends.... The ones that made me stared painfully at the 'Remove' button, had my finger playing with the cursor for a period of time, thinking.. just thinking if this was a bad idea, if I should give it another chance.... In the end I could only take a deep breath and say my final decision and removed them from my friends list.

 

This section holds particular meaning for me as I'm dealing with something just like it currently. I have an old and charming friend who just recently makes it his personal mission to harrass me about choosing not to voice or skype in SL, and does this on many occasions that we get to chat for more than a few minutes. His 'remove friend'  button got hovered over a fair amount last night, but I balked and went to bed instead. My instinct tells me he's just another RLer who thinks I can be swayed, and that he probably now wants to 'get some' but needs that RL verification and connection before he can "put the moves on", so to speak. A painful turn, as he's been a good neutral friend for over 4 years in SL, and to see him basically destroy all that just to satisfy this recent quest for a piece of a$$ is saddening. The next time he starts in about it I will be cutting and muting him, because I'm tired of it ruining my evenings and mood in SL, and getting tired of being tired about it.

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Dana Hickman wrote:


Willow Danube wrote:

So, now instead of disappearing, I make them 'disappear' from my SL life. Some were way too easy to make and some required more reasons and time.... But there were those few that were really difficult for me to decide. They were the ones I used to consider as 'special' friends.... The ones that made me stared painfully at the 'Remove' button, had my finger playing with the cursor for a period of time, thinking.. just thinking if this was a bad idea, if I should give it another chance.... In the end I could only take a deep breath and say my final decision and removed them from my friends list.

 

This section holds particular meaning for me as I'm dealing with something just like it currently. I have an old and charming friend who just recently makes it his personal mission to harrass me about choosing not to voice or skype in SL, and does this on many occasions that we get to chat for more than a few minutes. His 'remove friend'  button got hovered over a fair amount last night, but I balked and went to bed instead. My instinct tells me he's just another RLer who thinks I can be swayed, and that he probably now wants to 'get some' but needs that RL verification and connection before he can "put the moves on", so to speak. A painful turn, as he's been a good neutral friend for over 4 years in SL, and to see him basically destroy all that just to satisfy this recent quest for a piece of a$$ is saddening. The next time he starts in about it I will be cutting and muting him, because I'm tired of it ruining my evenings and mood in SL, and getting tired of being tired about it.

Dana may I ask if you have told 'him' of his shortcoming?  I would think after 4 yrs. of friendship he is 'entitled' to know he is being an arse; see what happens from there.  

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I've never had a problem pruning my friendship list.  LL chose to call it a "friendship" list.  I prefer to think of it as a contact list.  In RL some friends have made it to my cell phone for immediate access, others sit in some secondary address/phone list. 

In SL I have had people ask me to put them back on my list.  Then we don't talk again,  I delete them again. Silly.  I will explain to anyone who asks, being removed doesn't mean I'm unapproachable (everyone I ever had on my friends list has a calling card sitting in my inventory), and I don't I personally take offense at someone deleting ME so I have no double standards here, they are free to delete me first if they  would like.

However, if you are actively friends with this person and he or she is part of a group of friends with whom you jointly socialize, that is an entirely different matter.  I would say you have two choices :  To remove yourself entirely from the scene or have a discussion with the person you are having problems with.  To isolate them within a group is a very shaming thing and really not fair.  Your reasons are most likely reasonable, and in even in a case of being arbitrary, still the friend who must hear about you in  discussions with mutual friends may find this social isolation very painful and he or she deserves an explanation.

I have deleted my entire friends list including people who I dearly loved as friends here on at least one occasion.  I did it because it seemed less dramatic then bidding everyone goodbye (long list then) and I felt I was being consumed by SL at a time I needed more balance in my life. But I never singled anyone person out from a group of friends I hung out with.  When I could no longer with deal with one member, I just stopped hanging out with the group.

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@Venus - Thanks for that.  I'm trying to tone it down here, but chiming in is irresistible.  (And giving up reading is impossible).  Also, I have to stop sitting on my hands every so often,  for no other reason then to get the circulation back.  They migrate back to the keyboard, without my consent.

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