Dresden Ceriano Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 It was hard to figure out where to put this post since it could easily fit into either one of the "Your Avatar", "Fashion" or "Lifestyles" forums, so I figured GD would be best.Anyway, when I was younger, I experimented a lot with extreme looks in RL... makeup and fishnets with army boots and leather jackets... things like that. In SL, I like to experimented a lot as well and I seem to run into the same problem. People (especially other gay guys) just don't understand.Seems like people want to put you into categories based on how you present yourself, and that is understandable.... to a point. It seems like, in the gay community anyway (though I'm sure the straight community shares some aspects of this), you are required to "dress the part". This makes me, sometimes feel boxed in.Let me illustrate what I'm talking about...(Macho enough, I suppose.)(Maybe not so much.)The other day I signed on and was getting dressed while I was IMing with the guy that I was sort of seeing. I told him I was glamming it up and he wanted me to TP him over so he could see. I wasn't wearing this particular outfit, but it was similar. When he got there and saw me, he "died laughing"... you know... that stupid gesture. It hurt my feelings and I told him so... the next day, he started avoiding me. Then, when I confronted him about it, he said he didn't want to see me anymore.Now, I'm not simple enough to place all the blame on him seeing me in that outfit (he did say nothing about that being the reason), but I can't help but let it cross my mind that it might have had something to do with it. Needless to say, I'm a bit selfconscious about it. Part of me wishes I could just say "**bleep** it, I don't give a **bleep**", but that's just not how I'm made up, I guess.I'm the type of person that can fit (but only to an certain extent) into different types of communities... where it usually goes haywire is when I try to get closer (even just being friends) with someone. Automatically, I think that I won't be excepted for the different aspects of who I am (which are very diverse and ultimately conflicting). At times I think I use this to keep myself from becoming involved with people. Part of me wants to; part of me is scared to... What if I let them down? What if they let me down? What if I'm ultimately not accepted? What if I am, then have to deal with the butt load of drama that just might ensue? See the conflict there? Making friends can be almost impossible when you put this much pressure on yourself and fear takes over. (I can't believe I'm revealing this much about myself here.)Sometimes I wonder why I even try staying in SL at this point... all of my good personal friends have basically, for all intents and purposes, left SL and I'm finding it harder and harder to make new ones. I don't think SL has changed as much as I have... perhaps I've grown cynical in my old SL age.Ultimately, I guess my question is... how do I resolve myself to the fact that I will probably never fit in, completely anyway, with any group, but at the same time, not be afraid to try?Thank you in advance for any and all advice....DresETA: Damn... forgot to give it a real subject... lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Limonella Sorbet Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 The most interesting people don't quite fit in anywhere. Welcome to the club! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imnotgoing Sideways Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Got a thong and a ballgag? =^-^= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasya Sciavo Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I am not really sure what the first part of your post is pertaining to?.....or the pics....frankly both look gay to me - the first one being in front of a toilet where George Michael may be lurking, the second is wot I see gay men on tv parades wearing, maybes?? But....... what I DO know is this...if someone, anyone.... laughs and mocks how you are in SL, then that is THEIR problem, not yours. :matte-motes-bashful-cute-2: DO not let mean-spirited people stop you playing this game, and most of all you must be and wear what you want and let your individual 'look' or persona come through, and damm the feeble people who have nothing better to do than give negative comments about your SL appearance. Have confidence in yourself, should you opt for either of the two images, and enjoy yourself while you can. LL are gonna ruin this world long before any petty, catty resident calling you will. :matte-motes-tongue: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Void Singer Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 unfortunately when dealing with any level of RL romance, there's going to be a lot of RL expectations. even if the level of romance is "hey wanna quickie?". I'ts tied into our baser attraction criteria, which we have much lower tolerance for deviation than more casual relationships. as for where you fit in? probably with someone who's a little more creative and playful, but of course those people tend to be less interested in long term serious romance... although with SL's numbers there's bound to be more than a few, it's just a matter of finding them. can't help ya there I'm afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacki Silverfall Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Fitting in isn't all it's cracked up to be. I never have fit in either. I am an individual and I like who I am. Be who is/make you comfortable, who you like. If someone doesn't like it to bad. You will find people who will accept you. Your smart, funny, handsome, I enjoy your posts and you have many friends here I'm sure. Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasya Sciavo Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 That was about as as clear as mud..... and equally helpful. Perhaps more hyperbole may help? :matte-motes-tongue: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kandee Koray Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I actually had to think about this alot, and i dont think you should try to fit in, or give up fitting in, you seem pretty awesome to me. Alot of people dont know where to fit in, but that dosent mean there isnt a place for everyone. Sometimes it just takes some time to find it Ive been in sl for almost 3 years, ive quit it twice, and came back a week later, and only a few months ago did i find somewhere that i was comfortable with people and i enjoyed being around. The guy that you were sort of seeing, was a jerk, i can totaly tell, i think that pic looked awesome, and it was rude of him to do that to you. If you cant be who you want to be in sl, then idk what to tell you. All i know is, that there is people out there, there is a group out there that you will get along with, and will fit-in, just gotta find it. Best of luck to you, i hoped i was able to help, at least abit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela Galli Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I would suggest finding out your Jungian (Meyers-Briggs) preferences here http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm And then do some reading about your type -- some personality types are quite rare in RL and SL (but it's interesting to see the difference in the types SL tends to attract*). I think you may come to the conclusion that however inconvenient your preferences are in some social situations, they actually are your preferences -- you are how you actually like to be. For example, it is socially more convenient to be an extrovert, but you may just prefer being an introvert. This also is the key to why some of us instantly adore SL while others will never get it. * I wrote something on my blog about SL and Meyers-Briggs here http://lagalleriasl.blogspot.com/2011/03/myers-briggs-personality-types-and.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceka Cianci Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 /me looks at the thread title and then that construction hunk of a man look in the first picture.. is this a trick question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicholasKulp Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Yall are gay... and the second one is the one that looks gay. Why would that scare him? Unless he's straight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJo Moeleneaux Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Dresden Ceriano wrote: Ultimately, I guess my question is... how do I resolve myself to the fact that I will probably never fit in, completely anyway, with any group, but at the same time, not be afraid to try? Dres, I don't think you have to fit into anyone's perceived idea of how you should or shouldn't look. I believe that you have a great style, both the straight and the glam look, I personally love the Rocky Horror look on guys :matte-motes-smile:, I've known a number of gay friends who dressed up glammy on occasion and I always thought they looked great. I saw it as a kind of artistic expression that most of us don't have the courage, sense of humor or self confidence to express outwardly. To categorize anyone, let alone because of the way they dress is not something that I adopt or support in any way and I don't believe that I'm alone in this. I was a punk in my teens and although there's no way I could possibly know what it's like to be in your shoes and to feel you have to fit into whatever other people perceive being gay as, I felt the superficial judgment of people that didn't get me (i.e. being a punk but not being violent or agressive lol). Most of what they project is a lack of understanding and when people got to know me, they realized I wasn't weird, I just loved alternative music and wanted to express myself differently to the norm. I admire anyone that can express themselves and not take themselves or the misguided superficial opinions of others too seriously and I hope you continue to be who you are and who you want to be. Edited to fix typo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Void Singer Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 sorry your reading comprehension isn't up to the task, I'm sure Dresden's is though. PS, next time I'll put in some hyperbole just for you... feel better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squashy Beeswing Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 You looked fine in both pics. There are a billion generic looking avies out there and their fashion sense runs likewise. Who would want to be one of them? I'm guessing you feel sensitive on this occasion 'cos you liked that guy and wanted him to like you back. But, honestly, if all he can do is play a crude gesture at you when you turn up looking original and, i might add, damn hot, then it's his loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacki Silverfall Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 NicholasKulp wrote: Yall are gay... and the second one is the one that looks gay. Why would that scare him? Unless he's straight. Good point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceka Cianci Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 JoJo Moeleneaux wrote: Dresden Ceriano wrote: Ultimately, I guess my question is... how do I resolve myself to the fact that I will probably never fit in, completely anyway, with any group, but at the same time, not be afraid to try? Dres, I don't think you have to fit into anyone's perceived idea of how you should or shouldn't look. I believe that you have a great style, both the straight and the glam look, I personally love the Rocky Horror look on guys :matte-motes-smile:, I've known a number of gay friends who dressed up glammy on occasion and I always thought they looked great. I saw it as a kind of artistic expression that most of us don't have the courage, sense of humor or self confidence to express outwardly. To categorize anyone, let alone because of the way they dress is not something that I adopt or support in any way and I don't believe that I'm alone in this. I was a punk in my teens and although there's no way I could possibly know what it's like to be in your shoes and to feel you have to fit into whatever other people perceive being gay as, I felt the superficial judgment of people that didn't get me (i.e. being a punk but not being violent or agressive lol). Most of what they project is a lack of understanding of what they don't understand and when people got to know me, they realized I wasn't weird, I just loved alternative music and wanted to express myself differently to the norm. I admire anyone that can express themselves and not take themselves or the misguided superficial opinions of others too seriously and I hope you continue to be who you are and who you want to be. agree's with this^^ be how you want to be and if someone doesn't like it or gets all goofy about it..well that sounds like their personal problem not yours.. i feel very strongly about people coming here experiencing their second lives..not living how someone else wants us to live like theirs.. if someone has a problem with you..tell them to piss off and move out of the way because they are slowing down progress.. lifes too short to be getting molded anymore..break the mold and let someone else clean it up if they don't like the mess *winks* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canoro Philipp Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 dont look for groups to fit in, just be yourself. i was part of many groups in my lifetime, exploring identity, attracted to what i liked about certain groups, they all very defined, style of clothing, the music, the ideology, etc.. you dont have to label yourself to any of that, obey certain lifestyle rules just to please them, is more valuable to be free and live your way, do what you like, make your own rules. there would be people that wont accept you and thats fine, nobody is accepted by everyone, you are accepted here by many of us, even at your bad moments, we all got our bad moments, thats part of being human, so just be you, enjoy your taste on things, and there will be people to accept you just the way you are. if you have tastes that are very contrast to each other, it doesnt mean you are contradictory, it means your taste has a very wide range. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dresden Ceriano Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Canoro Philipp wrote: dont look for groups to fit in, just be yourself. i was part of many groups in my lifetime, exploring identity, attracted to what i liked about certain groups, they all very defined, style of clothing, the music, the ideology, etc.. you dont have to label yourself to any of that, obey certain lifestyle rules just to please them, is more valuable to be free and live your way, do what you like, make your own rules. there would be people that wont accept you and thats fine, nobody is accepted by everyone, you are accepted here by many of us, even at your bad moments, we all got our bad moments, thats part of being human, so just be you, enjoy your taste on things, and there will be people to accept you just the way you are. if you have tastes that are very contrast to each other, it doesnt mean you are contradictory, it means your taste has a very wide range. Wow... how could I have lived so long in this life and not internalized this message for myself (believe me. I've tried)? So much of my outside self in RL I've given up on ("oh, you're just too old to be dressing that way... give it up, bitch"... my own head talking). My grandmother once said in front of my RL boyfriend (when we first met), "Dresden? (of course, she used my RL name) Do you remember when you was crazy?" (meaning when I used to dress all goth/Cyndi Lauperish...) He got the biggest kick out of it and it has become a long running joke in our household. But yeah, I certainly remembered... I remembered how much fun it was... why I should stop myself, because of my own insecurities, from having fun with it in SL, I can't fathom. But I often do... and I'm just tired of it. Guess I have more to learn before it's all over. Thank you, Canoro. ...Dres Edited to fix stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Solo Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 You seem to be doing quite ok "fitting in" to me Dresden ^^ Always welcomed by all, always pleasant and funny... A great many avies would be pleased to be as well fitted as u.. lil lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mayalily Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Dres, the 80's look is coming back in. We a have a guy in our rl neighborhood who dresses in fishnets and the glam 80's look for a male in RL. It's just back in, but some people don't get it, as fashion is hardly a huge part of America anymore. More people tend to go for ultra casual, sweat pants, sneakers. I love lace in RL. I went out on a date with a guy to Starbuck's just to have coffee and talk. We had a nice talk, but he interrupts the date because he said I can't stand that lace! lol In RL I dress sort of Stevie Nick-ish or gypsy look. I collect all kinds of vintage clothing and have even sewn my own creations. If I lost that guy who didn't like lace, it was no big deal, because I found one who accepts me for me even if my fashion is vintage, ultra feminine, lacey or whatever. I collect vintage shawls and love velvet also. I also dated a guy who said he only likes women who only wear cargo pants as he thinks women look great in cargo pants. lol I can't stand cargo pants. I wasn't going to change my look just to please a person. The right person for you is the one who accepts you as you. ETA: Oh yeah, that guy that said he couldn't stand lace, kept calling for a second and third date. I did except both, but by the third date I knew he was the strange one. Really strange. And he kept calling me. I didn't want to see him anymore because he was weird. I knew he was weird because I get compliments all the time about how good I look. Women walk up to me in grocery stores and say that is the most beautiful outfit I've ever seen. All kinds of people compliment me. But for a majority I'd say as far as men, most men like jeans and casual tops on women. Not too many understand feminine anymore, although I get a lot of looks and doors opened for me and whistled at in the parking lot by men, but on dates get insultated about my choice of style? Maybe I was just too pretty for THEM lol and it made these men feel insecure or something? Who knows? But I hate cargo pants and didn't like that guy too much either. I finally found the right one. Dating can be a weird scene tho, but it's best to try to find where you will have fun and enjoy being you. There must be some places you can go both in RL and SL where you fit in, no? I don't see why not? But the unfortunate truth is that fashion in RL has pretty much died out and it's mostly weekend casual or business. There is a place for us arty types. I know. I've been through it, but never changed to please anyone. My Mom and family approve, btw, though. They always say how beautiful I look all the time. Are strangers lying to me that I look beautiful, or is just the dating scene weird? I vote for the dating scene being a little weird. ETA: The latest dress I bought for SL is all black lace. If men don't appreciate my choice of chosing lace as a dress in SL, should I care? I love the new black lace dress and plan to wear it at least a dozen times. I just love it! Oh I also tried to do picture of my avatar in my new lace black dress but unfortunately I closed my eyes as I was tired and feel asleep when the picture snapped, but I can post it here if you like, and then you can tell me if being dressed in lace so weird. I need to go to photoshop first tho. lol I'm going to add my photo now. Unfortunately, a lot of men won't like it, but do I care? No. I'm going to wear what I want to wear, and not just wear jeans and be ultra casual to fit in. But sorry, I feel asleep. I was very tired, you see. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoebe Avro Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Be/ dress however you want, do what makes you feel good and f**k the rest. If you like goth or alternative music check out my club in my profile, everyone is welcome there i dont stand for any bulls**t from dick heads that cant let others be what they want to be^^ Club End of Days Phoebe Avro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noni Grantly Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Your friend sounds kindna like a douche, Regardless, he really wasn't much of a real friend if he cuts off his connections with you over the way of how "you" want your avatar to dress, you're better off without him. Do what makes you happy, comfortable and passionate of, This is "your" Second life and not other peoples. There's a lot of closeminded and stuck up people in Second life, but there's just as many openminded and accepting people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astringofcharacters Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Gay Pride parade today in Vancouver, and Dres, you shoulda been there. I live in the neighborhood, and the vibe today was sensational. Didn't matter WTF you looked like, people were having a good time and happy to see each other. Just a friendly atmosphere of tolerance and delight in our eccentricities and diversity. You don't have to fit in. You are in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Persephone Emerald Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 "I'm the type of person that can fit (but only to an certain extent) into different types of communities... where it usually goes haywire is when I try to get closer (even just being friends) with someone. Automatically, I think that I won't be excepted for the different aspects of who I am (which are very diverse and ultimately conflicting). " I'm much the same. I can fit in superficially with most groups of people, but never feel like I'm totally accepted. I can be charming, attentive, understanding, thought-provoking, amusing or seductive. But I also feel like I'm on the outside looking in most of the time. I understand that some folks just don't "get" me, because I defy their expectations & don't fit into the normal boxes they have for people. But many of my friends have been open-minded, smart & individualistic, & yet I still have a hard time fitting in with them. Maybe it's because I'm always studying & analyzing them? Maybe it's because I sometimes feel like I don't really need any of them, or because I don't want them to think I need them when I really do? From what I've seen of you on these forums, Dres, I think you're smart, funny, fun-loving & individualistic. You don't seem to be emo, clingy or just plain crazy. I don't see anything from your posts that you need to change. Maybe it's just that most other people are too shallow for you? If a guy is going to judge you based on how your avatar looks, I think that says much more about him than it does about you. I don't want to sound like a cliche, but I think you may just be too fabulous for most of the small-minded people out there. Go ahead and keep being yourself, whatever that feels like at the time. No matter how much work it is finding someone who accepts you for who you are, it's much harder to try to be someone you aren't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kattatonia Wickentower Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 To thine own self be true, Dres, and F#@! anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Anyone who would laugh at you is certainly not worth your attention. There are so many accepting, loving people in this world that you really do not need to spend time with people that put you down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
YouTube
Flickr
Recommended Posts
Please take a moment to consider if this thread is worth bumping.
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now