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Sonja Smedley

Why do I always fall in love at SL....

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....and why does it always end up in a disaster.:matte-motes-crying:

What I´m doing wrong?

I guess I fall in love too fast and it always includes then also real life.

I know I´m not an easy person and I sometimes make stupid mistakes but I´m only human and we all are not perfect.

When it is over I always feel so lonely and can´t  let my love go.I try to get him back but actually I feel that it is over and do things like im him when I see him online or write sms in real.

OMG...why I am so stupid?

SL is full of nice man I guess, but I sit every night in my house there and think about the past.

Does anyone has any tipps how to forget and start new?

Would be very grateful.....

 

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You wrote: "I know I´m not an easy person and I sometimes make stupid mistakes but I´m only human and we all are not perfect."

And there's your problem right there.  You are not perfect.  If you'd just overcome that teeny weeny flaw...life would just what you want it to be. SL and RL.

 

Second Life is full of FLAWED men.  And flawed women.  None here has jumped out of the pages of a romance novel and into SL.

The problem with SL is projection.  Most of what you think you know about the person is something you made up out of the crumbs of information they chose to share with you.  A delightful mix of not paying attention, rationalization and hope on your part.

Even the men you might speak to and exchange info with via skype, etc. have too many opportunities to shield their true selves/self?  (well in some individual cases its more then one self). 

This is not necessarily deliberate...you are doing the same.  We all want to be loved and put our best foot forward.  In the the early stages of a budding romance we even delude ourselves into believing THIS TIME we can actually be that person we represent ourselves to be.  We'll be monogomous, we'll be sparkling and witty, we'll quit smoking, we'll quit smoking crack.

If we were meant to be that fictional person we created, we would be already.  Eventually the truth comes out...moodiness, compulsive prim hoarding, cheapness, hostility, bigotry, lack of wit....etc.  And off we go on the  merry-go-round of romance and love.

But on the positive side.  If you fell in love with the person you created, then you are in fact in love with yourself.  And that leads to healthy self-esteem.

And finally, don't live in the past.  What fisherman wastes today thinking about the fish they caught and ate yesterday.  They are right back in the ocean with a new catch.  And unlike the overfished seas of RL, SL seems to provide an endless stream of potential lovers, some who I suspect are self-recycled under different identities.

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Don't use SL for love.  Try a RL local shopping mall or cafe.  Supermarket cafes are the 'hottest' meating places lately.  (spelling intentional)  :matte-motes-bored:

If you are unable to drag yourself away from a keyboard, then participate in some group discussions and meet some men that appeal to your better senses--stop 'throwing' yourself at men.  I would 'use' you too if you are that easy; and I am a 'nice' man in SL.   

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"Don't use SL for love.  Try a RL local shopping mall or cafe.  Supermarket cafes are the 'hottest' meating places lately.  (spelling intentional)   If you are unable to drag yourself away from a keyboard, then participate in some group discussions and meet some men that appeal to your better senses--stop 'throwing' yourself at men.  I would 'use' you too if you are that easy; and I am a 'nice' man in SL. " 

Claiming you are  "nice" and yet would take advantage of this woman under these circumstances she described , is like claiming your are honest, but if you run into someone who is too inept to count their change you'd steal from them.  You are either nice or not nice. 

 

There's more to it then putting yourself in the right cafe, supermarket.  You have to be the person a reasonable number of people gravitate towards and want to hang out with. If you are not that person, you need to take stock of yourself and your past actions and honestly assess these behaviors and expectations.

The key to all this is to not care so much.  In RL and in SL.  A romance in SL can last about 3 months on average.  A friendship can last forever.  So be an excellent friend. Be a cheerful and optimistic and upbeat. Be good company.  Actively plan what interesting things  to do in SL or RL and invite people along...but make it something you'd do anyway.  Don't waste a moment dwelling on someone who has left you, except determine what you have learnt from the experience and move on. Hold no expectations of others as to the time they will spend with you or how long they will stay in relationship with you.  Focus on the NOW of the experience.

And find something useful to do that is not related to romance in SL.  And don't rush things.  Listen as much as you talk.  Don't complain about your RL if you have a tendency to do this.  Most people want to ESCAPE problems and troubles in SL, not shoulder someone elses on top of their own.  Finally, If you don't have a sense of humor, grow one. 

 

There are a number of  people I've met in SL that I adore, they are light and witty and have good energy.    Knowing these people has meant more to me then any romance  in SL.  They are supportive, entertaining..good company.  You have to get your priorities straight or you will reek of neediness and that's exhausting and repellent.  And if you're patient one of these friendships will blossom into a sustained romance.  Happens all the time. RL and SL.

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I would suggest that you concentrate on becoming friends, and very good friends, before anything else.  Two of my closest SL friends I have known since my first week in SL over four years ago.  Another, I met 18 months ago and I cherish my friendships with them.

I DJ in a club and often see women toss themselves after one man and another, partner for a few weeks, bust up heartbroken, and do it again and again.  I do not understand that behavior but it happens in RL, too.  Perhaps it is the way you are?  If it causes you distress and heartache, try something else.

Most of all, enjoy your world.

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Nacy Nightfire wrote:

Claiming you are  "nice" and yet would take advantage of this woman under these circumstances she described , is like claiming your are honest, but if you run into someone who is too inept to count their change you'd steal from them.  You are either nice or not nice. 

 

Ok, ok...I'm not so nice.  

I can only take advantage of what this woman (any women) will allow me to take advantage of.  If she wants to give her heart, soul, and pixels who are you to say I should not accept.   Are you suggesting I should pass on her and leave her to the next 'guy' she meets?  

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Yes.  Offer her some brotherly/fatherly advice about what the opposite sex respects, desires and appreciates...then move on to a less needy and vulnerable gal..a **bleep** with a happy and secure disposition who can take it as it comes[sic].

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Hi Sonja,

Don't be so hard on yourself because you are only human.  The human heart and love is quite a complex and mystifying thing. 

I think what might help you is to join some productive groups where you could learn things or discuss things that involve your hobbies.  I think getting involved in group activities could help you while your broken heart heals (which it will, give it time), because you won't be going back to one-on-one experiences right now.  Stay with some groups for awhile because groups are just that, groups with lots of people and it could take your mind off of the partnering merry-go-round.

And, you're not stupid.  Falling in love and heartbreak are a part of life.

I think what Storm is trying to point out is that heartbreak will happen whether SL or RL, but your heart might best be reserved for someone in RL, who you can then bring to SL, because SL is not a dress rehearsal for RL.  We only get one chance at life, so put your RL first, and consider SL your escape (because a lot of men might be considering SL their escape) because RL involves a lot of pain from loss of family to loss of job, to all kinds of things. 

Also, I kind of believe this statement I heard some time ago, it went something like this:  Love finds US when we aren't looking for it.  Love just happens between two people; we can't plan it.   So please don't feel stupid.  If you love that does show you love yourself, as Nacy pointed out.  And, that's a good thing, even though it hurts right now.  I'd caution u reserve your heart for a RL guy though.

Yes, SL romances can turn into real life ones, but how often that happens is irrelevant to how you are feeling right now.  I'd suggest groups that involve your hobbies or interests. 

I think SL could use a hugging sim for times like these. 

 

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I didn't type **bleep**!  I typed a word that refers to a SL individual who gives her self away wantonly and without discrimination and is delighted to do so.  Where the **bleep** did "**bleep**" come from?  I can't **bleep**ing believe this **bleepshift**...this is ART I'm writing here...who's editing my pearls of **bleep**??  

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Nacy Nightfire wrote:

Yes.  Offer her some brotherly/fatherly advice about what the opposite sex respects, desires and appreciates...then move on to a less needy and vulnerable gal..a **bleep** with a happy and secure disposition who can take it as it comes[sic].

I don't do brotherly/fatherly advice as it would encroach on my forum experience.  Besides, I manifest a more avuncular disposition when speaking and offering advice to damsels in distress.  

She seems to have no issue 'meeting' men as you tried to suggest in your previous post.  After all, she 'burns' through men rather quickly, wouldn't you think by the OP?   Why should I be the 'only' guy that has to turn her away?  Why do you even suggest such a thing?  

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Evangeline Twist wrote:

I wouldn't call you nice at all.  More like a **bleep**ing **bleep**.  Way to kick someone when they are down.

My reponse was not to your satisfaction?  I answered her question.  She did not write that she was "down" and depressed and ready to whack herself - she wrote she 'felt' stupid.  I agreed. I offered her a suggestion, not a boot as you described.  

What advice did you offer -- you didn't even offer a **bleep**ing hug.

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Some time away from SL might help, actually...I mean, what's the point of  being around SL  just to remember and mourn the lost love?...In my experience, SL loneliness is daunting and extremely hard to bear. The only way I can deal with it,  it's just not  logging in,  untill  time has started to heal the wounds

Once you have taken that optional, temporary leave and you are ready to come back;  if you feel like giving a new try to relationships, my advice would be...be extremely selective. I mean, don't even try a relationship with anyone that doesn't sweep you off your feet. To date someone for the sake of dating can become soon a quite frustrating and boring experience. One that most likely will lead to more suffering and disappointment for both involved parties

Also, in any case; take everything; the love promises, the sweet words; everything of your relationship with someone else with a grain of salt.  If you cannot help but giving your heart just to have it broken sooner or later; perhaps the best possible advice would be to stay away from romantic SL relationships altogether

Wishing you happier times and sending you a comforting hug.

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I read and re-read this OP, Stormikins and I don't see any references to her burning thru men.  She could be talking about 2 or 200 relationships...there's no way to tell from her post.

She's having trouble letting go of the past...of the tenacious emotional hold she has on these past relationships.  The regret and need to rehash things and contact the past lover rather then move beyond it.   Actually in re-reading this, I think she's asking for advice how to get OVER this destructive compulsive behavior, not how to jump back on the horse.

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lol.  No, actually I've thought hugging sims or hugging areas would be a nice addition to SL.  Don't u like hugs, Storm?  lol

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Ok ... I'm a sucker for straight to the point of dos' and don'ts .

First of, let share with you.. I have had 3 failed relationships in SL and the rests that I got rid off before they even started.. so I know... and I understand your feelings. A lot of people here are giving you the reasons this and that but sometimes we need bullet points facts to make it easier to take the step to recovery.

1. As my wise friend, Randall quoted it on behalf of Cher..." We Get Excited for Nothing and then PARTNER it!" ...  Heck, that's the best advice I've received so far from anyone who had tried to comfort me in the past. It has no sense of delusion and it's just as real.

2. Do not go for married men in RL. I don't care what others had said...You'll burn yourself. I was reading this profile from a guy in a building group that I am in. He wrote something like this in his profile, "Ladies, if you are married in RL do not use me as your dumping ground for your emotional baggage... get it sorted with your husbands. Stay away from me..." I doubt he'll get plenty of offers from the ladies...My point is, don't get yourself too involved with unavailable / unreliable men or you'll end up writing it as your main profile's description. That's just sad...

3. Get yourself plenty of 'layers'. Like onions (just don't smell like one). Finding your love is like drinking mineral water. To get the best one, you must have layers of filter. Only problem with SL is, illusion prevails among the hopefuls and the deprived. See everyone as potential illusionist (ok... a Liar, if you must) and don't believe 100% of what they said about themselves.

4. Picture them all as 120 years old men. I dated a RL scientist once in SL who told me he's 50 yrs old but VERY handsome... the George Clooney impression stayed in my mind until we exchanged pictures one day... The thing is, even George Clooney is not as handsome as he is in his pictures.

5. Start looking at them as your game. Yeah like Fox hunting, Deer hunting, Rabbit shooting gamey material. That way, you'll have fun with them and will not get butthurt when it is over. If you do come across a persistent one then maybe, just maybe He is not a game material. Keep him as your pet!

6. He is just not into you. Accept it! Men in general are creatures of habit. When a man is REALLY into you, you will see that he will go out his comfort zone to pursue you. Note the word Pursue...  If you had to make the first move then either the man is lazy or is too nice to say no. BOTH are no go zone.. they don't last long.. someone I know in RL was with this guy she's been with for 5 years before he realised that he didn't want to be with her. Some men are just too dense to realise anything until a few years later. 

7. It is OKAY to let go. How you are going to do it is entirely up to you... when you are the one who is hurting, you have every right to do as you please to 'let go'. When my last one failed, I boxed up or removed everything that was related in any way to that person. I may or may not hurt bystanders in the process but hey it's My Second Life, My happiness.

8. Go get a REAL LIFE. I know it may sound harsh but it is true. Whenever I get butthurt in SL, RL has always been a remedy to my pain. Eating out with friends.. snogging a real man for real... go on an adventurous vacation ... so many things to do... OK I understand some who comes to SL to escape RL issues, but who are this people kidding.. the only way to settle their issues in RL is to confront it in RL. It can be painful to face but once you did, it is going to be liberating...

There are plenty more but I really need to get some sleep so I think my tips are enough for now.

 

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I think SL could use a hugging sim for times like these. 

 

There is a sim called Hugsville for Teens, but anyone can access it now the teen grid has merged with the main grid. 

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Cool!  Thanks for sharing that!

To the OP:  Just remember that although your heart might seem small right now because u have a broken heart just know that the heart is really a very roomy place and I'm quite sure there are a lot of people who you love and who love you.  So focus on those you love that u still have in your life, that may help.  There are lots of people in your heart I'm sure, so concetrate on them while your heart is healing from this loss. 

And try to join some groups to have some fun, whether RL or SL, that involve your hobbies and passions. 

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i think you are in love with love.

you enjoy very much being in love with a person, so much, that when is over you just cant stand the loneliness of being without a partner, so you fast fall in love with whatever guy that finds you attractive, you are looking for that relationship you are hungry for, your idea of love, and when that person dont provide, a break-up occurs and you are hungry for romance again.

try to not feel uncomfortable in not being in a romantic relationship with someone, enjoy time for yourself, because if you dont, you will be falling into the arms of many guys not that interested as you are and your heart will recieve many impacts after another. and you are gonna be like you are right now or maybe worse in the future.

a romance is a nice addition to have in our lives, but dont make it a necessity, because that only brings you to the suffering that you are now.

be very cautious with loving someone, dont shape that person to fit your idea of an ideal partner, love him as time goes by by the actions and opinions he has, and expect to find some differences in his concept of love and yours. let that love mature before you enter a relationship, and be jealous of your feelings, dont give your heart away until you are completely sure of the loyalty of the person, and after that, enter a relationship. once inside be prepared, expect the relationship to end, as you have learned, all relationship, no matter how perfect they seem, can break-up. have a plan for when that happens, while you are in the relation you can dedicate time to him, after you break-up you can use that time for other things, that you couldnt because you didnt have time.

enjoy YOU time, explore around, build some things, go to building classes, and if you happen to meet someone interesting while you are doing that, turn it into a friendship, and during the time of the friendship you can check if its worth going thru another heart-brake for him.

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Hi, Sonia

I think you should forget about getting 'married' and weddings and such, and concentrate on culivating a few male friends to hang out with -- at least to start off with.  There are always men and women in SL actively looking to jump into a partnership, and whilst it's flattering to have someone profess their undying love after a matter of a few days or weeks, it really isn't  the basis for any lasting relationship. The most enduring of SL partnerships occur when the participants have got to know each other well beforehand, as friends.

(edited a spelling mistake)

 

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I think squashy is on to something, especially the part about "a few male friends". Why be satisfied with just one guy? Do you eat the same thing all the time? Of course not. That would be stupid. Nobody eats pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner because it's booooring. Variety is the spice of life. 

The same thing applies to lovers. It gets boring with the same person all the time. You should have a different guy for each day of the week. And for Saturdays, you should have a couple guys for some serious partying and the occasional threesome.

This way, no one dude will have much power over you. In engineering parlance, this is known as a redundant system. It's like having an internet connection through both DSL and cable. If the cable gives out, you still have the DSL connection.

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I like a guy with a reliable cable. If this was the case with your last romance, I can see why it is so hard to let go.

Did someone mention a horse...I could have sworn someone on this thread was bragging about his horsemanship...or horseman-aircraftcarrier as the case maybe.

My world. My imagination.

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