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Keep these things in mind if your looking for relationships


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I just find it interesting in my short life here I have learn't these things and wanted to share because it
has helped me understand myself in the Second life setting and Second Life
itself  better.

 

Everyone has their own agenda here and unless they share it
with you up front, you could find your not on the same page. Broken hearts
occur because of this and not being clear and honest.

 

People are here for many reasons we know that, but it is
also important to realise we all want different things. Respect is key here
because someone wanting to share certain information about themselves might be
ok for one but not another. How people view information and circumstances is
different also. How a person lives their 1st life is unique to them and is
neither right or wrong if it creates limits in 2nd life. If that clashes with
your wants then you have a choice accept it or move on. Do not however
criticise another's limits because you disagree with them.

 

It is unfair to make any one feel judged or treated with
prejudice for their choices in their 1st or 2nd life.

 

Be open and honest, if you want the same afforded to you. If you
don't then do not expect it of another for that is just being a bully and a
hypocrite.

 

Try to find out at the beginning of a relationship what is
it the other person wants and is able to give. Explain what you want and what your prepared to give.

 

I have learned people say things in order to, impress,
attract, or give you what they think you want. This is not only dishonest it is
dangerous as sooner or later the truth seems to come out. Dealing with what you
know is power and knowledge and is much more likely to have a favourable
outcome then omitting certain truths that are important to building trust.

 SL is a place where anything goes, we come with a diverse array of desires and fantasies etc. Why oh why then should there ever be a need to lie, but like in the real life world people do, to cover up, decieve and cheat. How is this giving you, I or any one the best of experiences here. If you tell me you have 10 wives and i will be #11 right up front from the beginning, I have a chance to choose then, but if you lie saying I am only wife or #1 or whatever and later i discover i am #11 then I am hurt, others maybe also and so might you.  See my point is lies never hold on to people or make them do as you want them to. They just hurt.

 

I have learned there is such as thing as being too honest,
giving too much info about your real life and self can be used to make
assumptions about you.

 

It is difficult in SL to be monogamous, you need be very very
clear on this. If you want that, make sure it is what the other person also
wants. It is a tall order to ask for and does not always work.  I believe it is better to put it all out on
the table clearly and state what you want and what it will look like and what
boundaries you want or are prepared to give.

I learned many have alts so they can have other romances
etc.  I am not going to comment too much
except to say how do they find the time and money to do that. Much better to
say I want you to be mine but when your not here I need the freedom to play,
and then discuss it from there.

I also just recently learned that a person cna be online with their alt with them at the same time, digest that one *LOL* Could be innocnet like for testing things, but could be very sinister as well to entrap people, deceive etc.

Why can't us humans play nice.

Since I have only been here a very short time I am bound to learn a great deal more but I hope i can meet some decent  honest, loyal people like me along the way.

Most of all have fun isn't that why we come here.

 

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I might also add that online/SL romantic relationships aren't for everyone.  There's a tendancy to follow the crowd, and assume everyone else is enjoying these fabulous relationships and we are missing out.  Especially when just starting out here we read other peoples profiles and take them at full face value, not considering that it's very often the case that the beloved mentioned  on the admired avie's profile hasn't logged in for months,  or the person is a fiction put there to deter potential suitors and is this person's alt or some other thing that makes you THINK all is well and better in that person's world.  Its often alot of bullshtick.  In fact the "hurt" and regret for many people lasts a whole lot longer then the average SL relationship in it's "happy" phase. 

In reality not everyone has to be a success at these kind of relationships or even need to consider them important to their participation and fun in SL. It works for some and  many others fail at it, but this is no reflection of anyone's actual lovability in the only place that truely matters, which is, of course, RL.

 

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"Profound change" was the reply when Philip was asked about the evolution of Second Life.

 

pro·found/prəˈfound/
Adjective: (of a state, quality, or emotion) Very great or intense.
Noun: The vast depth of the ocean or of the mind.

 

When I think I feel pain, I do.

Thanks for the advice and insight. I hope any person this may have happened to, feels better soon. :smileyhappy: 

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IMHO this is all very 'Dr Phil' but also very unrealistic.

People are never honest in relationships, particularly at the start, not in RL and certainly not here where it's so easy to be deceptive.

When you first meet someone and get chatting, this is the point where dishonesty may start, they might tell you they are single in RL and/or SL, or rich, or they have a better job than they really do, or any number of things that they are perfectly within their rights to say to you in a first meeting or first few meetings, the idea that at this stage you are going to discuss what you both want from this relationship in the future is frankly, nonsense, if someone did that to me I would run a mile and I would expect them to do the same, it's a bit like Howard on Big Bang Theory who finally gets a date and then straight away invites them round to eat dinner with his mother and family. Its too much, too soon! As time goes on and the two of you become more invested in the relationship, coming clean about those initial white lies becomes harder and harder, so you shouldn't be surprised if for some it becomes just too hard. 

If you sense someone is trying to impress and attract you, and in doing so isn't telling the truth, although this can of course be called dishonesty it's also a very human thing to do, in fact its a very animal thing to do, it's like the peacock showing off its tail feathers and is a totally natural part of the whole dating process, of course people are going to big themselves up, if you are clever enough to spot it, take it with a pinch of salt and be flattered that its aimed at you.

I don't think that it's dishonesty that causes upset and hurt, it's people expecting honesty in a world where people have come to live out a fantasy.

Here is what I have learned during my time here.

Just because over time you have built a fabulous relationship (Love, business or otherwise) with someone here, does not mean that they will log in tomorrow or ever again.

Assume behind every female avatar is a fat ugly male geek

If you know for a fact that a female avatar is genuinely being operated by a RL female, assume they are nuts.

Almost every resident has at least minor mental health issues

If you really need someone out of your life and want to guarantee that you will never see them here again - ask them to script something for you and pay them a deposit.

 

 

 

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Nacy Nightfire wrote:

You wrote: "If you know for a fact that a female avatar is genuinely being operated by a RL female, assume they are nuts."

Indeed.  That's why FeMale avatars in SL wear such skimpy clothing.  So you can really see their nuts.

:smileyvery-happy:

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@ Ziggi21

That is the risk one takes.   Fortunately, not everyone is as you describe.   I myself started out very skeptical about SL partnerships, but totally changed my tune once i'd met "the one".  Okay, i had to get with a LOT of duds before i met him, but he was out there.   :matte-motes-inlove:

I know of other couples equally committed. 

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Ziggy,  one wonders why  are you in SL, but I really do not need an answer to that especially as you think everyone is dishonest and  all women are fat and ugly or have mental illness? Your comments are quite a put down to women and yourself also, now i am feeling sorry for you if those are all the people you have met here.  Us women all had a laugh because one thing for sure is you need a good sense of humour here.

As far as your comment about relationships and not asking what a person wants, it is assumed that before one would do that they at least know the person some first and both want to take it further. it is a bit like asking someone who bought a fresh cup of coffee, is it hot, are you going to drink it and enjoy it..............who asks that!!!!!!! Do not be so quick to assume what another writes or says beyond their words if your not sure ask them.

One thing I did agree with was a lot of people are not always 100% honest at first meeting, because after all they come here for the fantasy or what ever it is they seek. I have found though if you can't be honest down the road it will bite you in the ass and could hurt you if your wanting an honest relationship. I think be cautious is good and instead of being dishonest have boundaries of where you will take things like personal questions until you feel it is appropriate to share more.

Liars are every where, here is no different they are in the real life situation to and if they lie there they most likely lie here to. Remember Ziggy there are exceptions and many people here have found them and are very happy. If you want to be here emersed only in fantasy then why share any truth at all that is up to you. It is up to us to seek like minded individuals to be friends with.

 

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arkie24 wrote:

Ziggy,  one wonders why  are you in SL, but I really do not need an answer to that especially as you think everyone is dishonest and  all women are fat and ugly or have mental illness? Your comments are quite a put down to women and yourself also, now i am feeling sorry for you if those are all the people you have met here.  Us women all had a laugh because one thing for sure is you need a good sense of humour here.

Since it seems we are now lecturing each other in a patronising fashion, might I suggest you first go back and read what I actually wrote, nowhere in my post does it say that I think all women are fat and ugly, neither did I say that everyone I had met here was either dishonest, fat, ugly or suffering from mental illness and neither did I say I only wanted to be immersed in fantasy, so feel free to practice what you preach...  Do not be so quick to assume what another writes or says beyond their words if your not sure ask them. Its interesting that you reference your superior sense of humour and yet totally failed to recognise what were clearly mildly humorous comments. 

 


arkie24 wrote:

 I have found though if you can't be honest down the road it will bite you in the ass and could hurt you if your wanting an honest relationship. 

This is a comment I can at least partly agree with, however its the polar opposite of what you originally said and I disagreed with...

 

Everyone has their own agenda here and unless they share itwith you up front,...

'Up front' and 'Down the road'  are not the same thing!. 


arkie24 wrote:

Liars are every where, here is no different they are in the real life situation to and if they lie there they most likely lie here to. Remember Ziggy there are exceptions and many people here have found them and are very happy. If you want to be here emersed only in fantasy then why share any truth at all that is up to you. It is up to us to seek like minded individuals to be friends with.

 

Remember, you were offering your advice on relationships, I offered my own brand of what I consider to be much more realistic advice. You won't find a single person who has been here any length of time, who doesn't have a nightmare relationship story to tell, either their own or something they have heard from a friend, I could post vast essays on it, presumably you recognise this too, hence your opening this thread. Your way of combatting this endemic dishonesty is to pour your heart out some time during dates 1 -3 and hope the potential partner does the same and doesn't do a runner, my way is - until you know better, assume the worst.

 

P.S. Please watch less daytime TV, use the time to watch the movie 'Catfish'

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arkie24,

I think  your orginal post was very insightful & wise. Unfortuantely the thread is now beginning to show the main weakness of internet forums, that people take comments out of context & get upset by what they think the other person meant instead of trying to understand each other better.

 

I think people in SL are pretty much the same people they are in RL. It's easier to be deceitful in SL, but that doesn't mean we're all liers & cheats. My avatar doesn't look exactly like my RL self. I'm female in both worlds, but my SL self looks thinner & younger than my RL self. So what?  I don't dismiss someone from being a RL friend or romantic interest because they're overweight, geeky, odd, or have minor mental health problems, so I certainly wouldn't do that in SL. - SL is not a dating site, so we don't have to pretend to be perfect people that don't exist in RL. SL is a fantasy world, where we can express our inner selves, which I find far more interesting & attractive than a person's surface self anyway.

In RL, I don't try to lie to people I date. I may not tell everything on the first date, but I see no purpose in trying to hide my real self from them. That road only leads to more lies & unhappiness. I'm honest with them & I expect them to be honest with me. When they're not, I get pissed & I let them know it. I tell my boyfriend, you can't hide stuff from a witch, because I can tell when people are trying to hide something from me. I may not know what it is at first, but I will usually find out. I think he's finally accepting the fact that he can't keep anything from me for long.

I have 3 avatars, all female. Though none of them perfectly represents my RL self, Persephone comes pretty close. The other 2 represent sides of myself that are normally hidden in the RL world. Alycia is my inner messed-up, crazy girl who wants to be accepted by the world she doesn't fit into. Tasha is my antisocial self that doesn't like humans much & really has little need of them. Does accepting & channeling these sides of myself into a couple of avatars make me crazy?  I don't think so. I accept that I'm not perfectly beautiful, thin, socially acceptable or mentally stable, - but I'm also smart, fun, unpredicatble & interesting. For me, SL lets one see past the surface layers of RL and into the deeper layers of a person.

"You won't find a single person who has been here any length of time, who doesn't have a nightmare relationship story to tell, either their own or something they have heard from a friend."

I'd like to reply to this statement. First off, if you have to relay third hand accounts to prove SL is full of nightmare relationships, that doesn't prove anything. One can find just as many nightmare relationship stories in RL, but we know RL has good relationships in it too. Personally, I haven't had any nightmare relationships in SL, because I haven't been using SL relationships as a substitute for real ones. I had one SL boyfriend who I used for tying out pose balls when I was new. I had a couple of SL friends who served much the same purpose, but who I never though of as boyfriends. When I met my future RL boyfriend in SL, I already knew him in RL, so we both knew our avatars were not our RL selves. We've been partnered to only each other in SL, not to anyone else. We seldom have sex in SL, because both of us prefer the real thing to pixels. There is no need for us to cheat in SL with other people. While we may consider the idea now & then, we don't act on it. - Would you risk a good RL relationship for a cartoon fantasy? I wouldn't.

 

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Since you are pointing out that I apparently...

 take comments out of context & get upset by what they think the other person meant instead of trying to understand each other better. 

Perhaps you can show me where in my post it says I do this...

dismiss someone from being a RL friend or romantic interest because they're overweight, geeky, odd, or have minor mental health problems, 

You need to go back and carefully read what I said, there you will see my advice is basically to assume the worst, and to assume that to a greater or lesser degree you are being deceived in some way at the start of the relationship, I DID NOT say the above, and you have done exactly what you accused me of doing.

 


Persephone Emerald wrote:

I think people in SL are pretty much the same people they are in RL. It's easier to be deceitful in SL, but that doesn't mean we're all liers & cheats. My avatar doesn't look exactly like my RL self. I'm female in both worlds, but my SL self looks thinner & younger than my RL self. So what?

'So what' is quite right, my Avatar is much slimmer, much younger, better looking and more able bodied than my real life self, like most people I haven't set out to deceive others with this avatar its just what I think is cool, this does not mean however that in certain circumstances it's not deceptive. If I was in a relationship my avatar would be contributing to the overall impression my partner has of me. Its no good pretending that we are all old and wise enough to see beyond the pixels and we are only interested in the inner self, because we just aren't,  I have had a number of avatars in my time here and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, this avatar attracts women!, if I wanted to, it would be very easy for me to exploit that attraction. My flippant comment about fat ugly geeks was to remind people that things are often not at all what they seem, a few years ago now someone did a survey here and discovered that on average a third of female avatars were operated by men, A THIRD!!!!!!. So to say people here are pretty much the people they are in RL is frankly, complete nonsense, most people here are trying to escape the person they are in RL..

This brings me on to the craziness, again it was a flippant comment but the plain truth is that when you ask around and get to know a number of people you see there is a lot of mental illness here, it would be nice if it wasn't the case, but unfortunately its just the way it is. Second Life is a great place to hide away from RL, and so we get a lot of people who are trying to do just that, this is not in itself a reason not to engage in a relationship, but it's a good idea to keep this in mind because this may well be something you want don't want to deal with and if one is suffering in this way oneself, involvement with another sufferer can be destructive and dangerous.


Persephone Emerald wrote:

 First off, if you have to relay third hand accounts to prove SL is full of nightmare relationships, that doesn't prove anything. One can find just as many nightmare relationship stories in RL, 

Ok, firstly why have you decided that I... have to rely on third hand accounts .?

The point i was making was simple... if you havent had a nightmare relationship yourself, you will know some who has!, again you might want to consider your own earlier advice about taking things out of context.

Whilst I would agree that RL has plenty of nightmare relationships, you just cant make this quick and easy comparison and move on, or to put it in your words... that doesn't prove anything.  We have all heard of the sailor with a wife in every port and every so often some traveling salesman with 3 wives that don't know about each other will hit the news, but in SL deceit of this nature is common, far more common than it could ever be in RL, I am not saying you are doing it, I am not saying everyone is doing it and I am not saying most people are doing it. I AM saying a lot of people are doing it and the depth of their deceit seems to know no bounds.

I know of people who have used Alt accounts to pursue several relationships, people who use voice morphers so they can pretend to be the opposite sex, people who use fake RL photos, people who have created fake friends/relations on FB, with whom they hold fake conversations in order to back up their fake persona here, I know of people who have lied about fake serious RL events that have happened to them in order to create sympathy, people who have lied to obtain RL money, people who use Alts to stalk and grief current and previous partners, the list goes on and on. Like it or not this is the environment we operate in, it's not like RL at all and the wise thing to do is to keep this in mind, rather than assuming everyone is a lovely, honest, 'inner self' type of person whom you should be totally honest with at the first available opportunity.

Your last paragraph is the most interesting to me, firstly it turns out that you are quite happy to be here offering SL relationship advice and yet you have never actually had a relationship here. You are lucky enough to have a RL relationship, formed without all this potential for deceit which you have imported here, IMHO that is very, very sensible, an ideal solution if you want to enjoy SL and have a full RL, sadly this is definitely not a typical SL relationship. 


Persephone Emerald wrote:

Would you risk a good RL relationship for a cartoon fantasy? I wouldn't.

 

Here it seems we agree with each other, SL is a cartoon fantasy, realize that, expect that, emotionally invest with that idea in mind and be as honest with the other cartoon characters as a cartoon fantasy deserves and you won't go far wrong.

P.S. I have spent enough time on this now, so if you feel the need to respond please read carefully what I have written, allow 10 minutes for the anger to subside, then read it again, if you misquote me I will have to reply.   

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Chill, ok? You seem to be looking for a fight, but I'm not in the mood for forum drama. I only responded to 1 sentence of yours. I didn't attack your whole post. I posted my experiences & thoughts. I didn't say mine were right & yours were wrong.

Referencing something a friend heard about is the definition of a third hand account. Describing something that happened to someone you know is a second hand account. Describing something you experienced is a first hand account. The further away from yourself anecdotal events are, the less meaningful they are as evidence to support a theory about trends. In this case there are more & more possbile relationship outcomes from a larger pool of SL relationships, but the outragous negative outcomes tend to get more attention & get spread around more. One doesn't tell all their friends about a boring SL relationship in which both partners got along well & were happy. One tells about the psycho-bitch, psycho-**bleep** or psycho-couple who destroyed a whole sim when they broke up. That makes a better story & functions as a cautionary tale, but that doesn't mean it's representative of most SL relationships.

Yes. I'm lucky I haven't had a distasterous or heart-wrenching SL relationship, but it's not just a matter of luck. It's a difference in what I expect from people & relationships in SL. I don't expect a virtual relationship to fullfill my heart needs, so I don't look for that & I don't get disappointed. I had one SL romantic relationship when I was new. He was married & feeling unfullfilled. He used SL to bring some romance into his life. We were SL friends & romanitic activity partners, but we never really knew each other. When I realized the relationship would never go anywhere & that he was spending time & energy on SL that might be better spent in his RL relationship, I broke up with him. He contacted me later to say he *had* been spending too much time in SL & was now cutting back to give more time to his family.

My RL boyfriend & I used SL to bridge the awkward gap of RL insecurities. We had been attracted to each other in RL, but didn't know the other person felt the same way. We hadn't had much opportunity to talk & get to know each other in RL. He thought I had a boyfriend. I didn't realize he was attracted to me. Because we live in different cities & he was a trucker on the road most of the time, SL gave us a place in the virtual world where we could date. SL was a crucial part of our relationship & still is, but it's only a small part of our relationship now that we have a RL connection.

When I said people here are pretty much the people they are in RL, I meant the person behind the pixels is the same. I meant if a person is honest in RL, they'll be honest in SL, but if they lie to themselves & others, they'll do the same here. Obviously people don't look the same in SL & RL. I'm unusual because my main avatar looks a bit like my RL self, but even I admit she's younger & thinner. She doesn't get grey roots in her hair. Her hair doesn't get tangled, oily or split ends. She doesn't have to wear glasses. She doens't have to look for a clean blouse because she didn't do the laundry yesterday. She doesn't get dog fur on her clothes, because her virtual dog doesn't shed like a real husky does.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with you 100%

There are so many of my sl friends who have been hurt in their inworld romantic relationships.

So its far from fabulous for everyone :/ Despite their profile descriptions and pictures.

Then theres the couple I know who met online (sl) who are now living together in rl. I assume busy and happily since theyre never on anymore...

 

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