A Discussion: Being "Kind" when Responding in Second Life (and Forums)

[archangel969]

18 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

I'll make it very simple.

When someone is "mean to you", there are benefits for "not being mean when replying to them", but being "kind instead".

This was about "ideas for how to be kind" (in response to mean people), even including ideas for "trying to appear to be sincere".

@Cinnamon Mistwoodgave some simple ideas, mainly - do not reply too quickly, take your time, think it through before replying. 

I give LOTS of ideas that most people probably never think of.  They may not be useful to you, but the process of coming up with those ideas has been useful to me.

 

These simple ideas are really what matters in this sort of things. I can totally relate tot that.

And if someone is being mean to you, a whole list of ways to be nice doesn't help one bit. Do you think that person is going to read that list and then think: Oh I'll be a bit nicer to him now. If you don't like a person or/and that person doesn't like you then only one thing helps: ignore them. You will never be able to convince them. Let it go. Focus on the people who value your attention.

 

[Love Zhaoying]

1 minute ago, archangel969 said:

And if someone is being mean to you, a whole list of ways to be nice doesn't help one bit. Do you think that person is going to read that list and then think: Oh I'll be a bit nicer to him now. If you don't like a person or/and that person doesn't like you then only one thing helps: ignore them. You will never be able to convince them. Let it go. Focus on the people who value your attention.

Nope. The list is for people like ME, who WANT to be nicer but find it hard sometimes.

[archangel969]

1 minute ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Nope. The list is for people like ME, who WANT to be nicer but find it hard sometimes.

At the risk of psychologising now but I think you are a sensitive person. That's how you come across to me. And if you are sensitive you can also sense very well whether you have made a contribution that is kind or unkind. You and people like you don't need such a list for that.

[archangel969]

You think the solution must be A, but in reality it is B 😄 LOL

[Love Zhaoying]

3 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

You think the solution must be A, but in reality it is B 😄 LOL

I know that you are teasing. 

 

[Love Zhaoying]

13 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

At the risk of psychologising now but I think you are a sensitive person. That's how you come across to me. And if you are sensitive you can also sense very well whether you have made a contribution that is kind or unkind. You and people like you don't need such a list for that.

Thanks for all of your advice. If you have anything to contribute, let us know.

[archangel969]

On 5/2/2024 at 4:30 PM, Sid Nagy said:

And then there are the literal thinkers, the people who always think and read literally and have difficulty with figurative language, sarcasm and irony.
For instance people in the autistic spectrum are known for that, they can't help it, it is the way they are build.
It is hard for them not to draw wrong conclusions at times.

 

 

 

I am among those people who are on the spectrum. I know for a lot of people with ASD communication is difficult because their brain is 'wired' differently and have a hard time to detect double-bottoms in statements and behaviour. But there are also many people on the spectrum, like me, who have learnt a lot about social behaviour and applied it. that is not to say they don't struggle at all. Social events are still hugely draining for me. I love social contact, but for me it will never come as naturally as for a neuro typical person. so be it. But we can certainly have 'normal conversations' and also detect humour and sarcasm. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but not everyone is the same, including people with ASD.

Edited May 5 by archangel969

[archangel969]

36 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

I am among those people who are on the spectrum. I know for a lot of people with ASD communication is difficult because their brain is 'wired' differently and have a hard time to detect double-bottoms in statements and behaviour. But there are also many people on the spectrum, like me, who have learnt a lot about social behaviour and applied it. that is not to say they don't struggle at all. Social events are still hugely draining for me. I love social contact, but for me it will never come as naturally as for a neuro typical person. so be it. But we can certainly have 'normal conversations' and also detect humour and sarcasm. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but not everyone is the same, including people with ASD.

Talk about being unkind in combo with autism. I remember an anecdote from my childhood. I was 10 or 11 years old. I had gone on a Rhine trip with my grandparents. My grandfather's health was very poor and everyone knew he would not make it long. Then after the trip, my grandfather said: 'What wonderful days these were. We should do this again next year!’ Then I blurted out, ‘If you are still alive then! Of course, now I know the impact of what I was saying, but as a little autistic boy then, I didn't understand why everyone was looking at me with such shock. It was the truth, wasn't it?

Edited May 5 by archangel969

[archangel969]

On 5/5/2024 at 3:25 PM, Love Zhaoying said:

Thanks for all of your advice. If you have anything to contribute, let us know.

And if there is anything you like to discusss or there are things that concerns you, I am always open for discussion. And if you find it hard to discuss things, you can send me a privat message. I am very open minded and open to any discussion. Also if you don't agree with me. That doesn't change the way I look at people. People may differ in opinion.

[Love Zhaoying]

3 hours ago, archangel969 said:

On 5/5/2024 at 9:25 AM, Love Zhaoying said:

Thanks for all of your advice. If you have anything to contribute, let us know.

And if there is anything you like to discusss or there are things that concerns you, I am always open for discussion. And if you find it hard to discuss things, you can send me a privat message. I am very open minded and open to any discussion. Also if you don't agree with me. That doesn't change the way I look at people. People may differ in opinion.

That's cool. Even if you did not understand what I really meant. 🙂

 

[archangel969]

On 5/5/2024 at 3:30 PM, archangel969 said:

I am among those people who are on the spectrum. I know for a lot of people with ASD communication is difficult because their brain is 'wired' differently and have a hard time to detect double-bottoms in statements and behaviour. But there are also many people on the spectrum, like me, who have learnt a lot about social behaviour and applied it. that is not to say they don't struggle at all. Social events are still hugely draining for me. I love social contact, but for me it will never come as naturally as for a neuro typical person. so be it. But we can certainly have 'normal conversations' and also detect humour and sarcasm. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but not everyone is the same, including people with ASD.

As I said I am always open to discussion, I am also open to people who have questions about autism (because I mentioned to be on the spectrum). Also if you are on the spectrum and have questions or seek support. Just message me if you are up to it.

[Luna Bliss]

23 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

As I said I am always open to discussion, I am also open to people who have questions about autism (because I mentioned to be on the spectrum). Also if you are on the spectrum and have questions or seek support. Just message me if you are up to it.

I'm really glad you are open to discussing this, as we have many people on the spectrum in SL, and even on the forum. And it's important to be kind to them once you know of their social difficulties.

I did work with autistic individuals for awhile professionally, but for the most part they weren't high-functioning as we typically find in SL and the forum. So I developed an interest in people who experience life in this way.

What I've noticed is that they tend to be brutally (sometimes anyway) honest, and this can offend others. I'll give you an example. I'd perhaps met an autistic individual in the past (couldn't remember really, could be it was long ago), when suddenly I got a message saying "I got a new camera".  Well, to be honest, it kind of scared me, as he didn't have a 'warming up' period as most do upon contact (especially with someone not known, or not well known), saying something like, "hi, are you busy", or "hey, do you remember me, John, from that concert awhile back. I want to tell you about some new stuff I'm into".  Instead, there was just this one comment with nothing surrounding it -- "I got a new camera".

Well, when people don't relate with known boundaries/expectations, it does alarm me, because many people without boundaries can do very unexpected and offensive things!  My first feeling is "is this a griefer?', or "why does he act like he knows me", and the like.

Anyway, I decided not to cut him off and just said "oh, what type of camera did you get".  And we had a bit of a discussion, and I could tell by the way he talked that he was likely on the spectrum, and kind of socially awkward, but meant no harm. So all was well, and I was glad I persevered and held a tentative attitude toward him until I knew more.

He did, however, get angry with me toward the end because my knowledge of cameras was not up to par.  LOL

Edited May 10 by Luna Bliss

[brodiac90]

The best way to deal with unkind people is to ignore them. Their unkindness is a reflection on what is wrong with them, not you, and by ignoring them you empower yourself and starve them of the negative energy they crave. 

 

[Luna Bliss]

5 minutes ago, brodiac90 said:

The best way to deal with unkind people is to ignore them. Their unkindness is a reflection on what is wrong with them, not you, and by ignoring them you empower yourself and starve them of the negative energy they crave. 

 

I like that approach. There's no need to be unkind in return, and simply ignoring their unkindness diffuses the energy, leaving nothing for them to hold on to and attack with yet again.

[Arielle Popstar]

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

I'm really glad you are open to discussing this, as we have many people on the spectrum in SL, and even on the forum. And it's important to be kind to them once you know of their social difficulties.

I did work with autistic individuals for awhile professionally, but for the most part they weren't high-functioning as we typically find in SL and the forum. So I developed an interest in people who experience life in this way.

New World Notes (nwn,blogs.com) just had an interesting story yesterday about a grid run by a high functioning autistic admin whose been doing some amazing stuff. Worth a read since he seems to be attracting others on the autism spectrum there.

[AnthonyJoanne]

On 5/3/2024 at 2:22 AM, Arielle Popstar said:

The first and foremost kindness is to acknowledge another person/avatar, especially when spoken to. Blocking people automatically forfeits that ability and makes any other acts of kindness moot. 

I'm going to have to be extremely careful how I respond to this ... but I'll do it with an RL example which, hopefully, won't trigger any moderation.

Consider, if you will, Piers Morgan.  In 2021 Piers Morgan tweeted that

"Those who refuse to be vaccinated, with no medical reason not to, should be refused NHS care ..."

He reiterated that view a number of times, and made it very clear what he meant. It wasn't a single tweet which might be misinterpreted ... it was clear and unambiguous what he was saying.  I am aware that (to some extent) Morgan has reversed himself. TOO LATE. Some damage is unforgivable and a man with his audience making that statement and reinforcing it multiple times means there is NO forgiveness. I am NOT a Christian and no part of my moral code says that I need to cut him any slack whatsoever. (As an aside ... I'm picking Morgan as an example because he's pretty well known across the west, but there are plenty of local 'celebrities' I could have used ... it's just that many of you wouldn't know who I was talking about)

That 'no jab, no treatment' attitude was echoed in many forums on the 'net ... including this one. There were actually people who called for the use of force to make people be vaccinated. I was present in-world when one such individual expressed that very opinion. Said person was immediately blocked and derezzed and no longer exists in my world.

Why do I have such strong opinions on this? Consider my RL partner, who has a number of medical conditions. My partner's three specialists (all among the best in their fields) recommended strenuously against vaccination. The pencil necked politically motivated 'medical authorities' here in Australia denied my partner a vaccination exemption in the face of the written opinions of those three specialists. 

By every official metric my partner refused to be vaccinated without a medical reason. There were public release announcement by so called medical professionals here in Australia saying that my partner should be lowest on the priority list for treatment because my partner didn't have that magic piece of paper that the bureaucrats refused to issue.

For anyone who is curious ... the evidence is in now and it is evident that my partner was very wise in refusing to be vaccinated. My partner's specialists were entirely correct and the bureaucrats were absolutely wrong.

As a result ... I ignore Piers Morgan and anything and everything he says. I have blocked anyone who echoed that opinion on every forum I participate on.

For everyone there is a line, and once someone crosses it, blocking/ignoring is not only justified, it is actually the kindest thing I can do ... the alternatives are unpleasant.

Because of the contentious nature of my example I will not engage in conversation about covid, vaccination, etc. I simply used it as an example because it was one of the clearest cut examples I had available of a 'line in the sand' that justifies blocking and ignoring, and it's one of the reasons my ignore list is as long as it is.

Whether or not this post survives moderation is up to someone else ... I've got some RL to attend to so later all.

[Love Zhaoying]

14 minutes ago, AnthonyJoanne said:

I'm going to have to be extremely careful how I respond to this ... but I'll do it with an RL example which, hopefully, won't trigger any moderation.

Consider, if you will, Piers Morgan.  In 2021 Piers Morgan tweeted that

"Those who refuse to be vaccinated, with no medical reason not to, should be refused NHS care ..."

He reiterated that view a number of times, and made it very clear what he meant. It wasn't a single tweet which might be misinterpreted ... it was clear and unambiguous what he was saying.  I am aware that (to some extent) Morgan has reversed himself. TOO LATE. Some damage is unforgivable and a man with his audience making that statement and reinforcing it multiple times means there is NO forgiveness. I am NOT a Christian and no part of my moral code says that I need to cut him any slack whatsoever. (As an aside ... I'm picking Morgan as an example because he's pretty well known across the west, but there are plenty of local 'celebrities' I could have used ... it's just that many of you wouldn't know who I was talking about)

That 'no jab, no treatment' attitude was echoed in many forums on the 'net ... including this one. There were actually people who called for the use of force to make people be vaccinated. I was present in-world when one such individual expressed that very opinion. Said person was immediately blocked and derezzed and no longer exists in my world.

Why do I have such strong opinions on this? Consider my RL partner, who has a number of medical conditions. My partner's three specialists (all among the best in their fields) recommended strenuously against vaccination. The pencil necked politically motivated 'medical authorities' here in Australia denied my partner a vaccination exemption in the face of the written opinions of those three specialists. 

By every official metric my partner refused to be vaccinated without a medical reason. There were public release announcement by so called medical professionals here in Australia saying that my partner should be lowest on the priority list for treatment because my partner didn't have that magic piece of paper that the bureaucrats refused to issue.

For anyone who is curious ... the evidence is in now and it is evident that my partner was very wise in refusing to be vaccinated. My partner's specialists were entirely correct and the bureaucrats were absolutely wrong.

As a result ... I ignore Piers Morgan and anything and everything he says. I have blocked anyone who echoed that opinion on every forum I participate on.

For everyone there is a line, and once someone crosses it, blocking/ignoring is not only justified, it is actually the kindest thing I can do ... the alternatives are unpleasant.

Because of the contentious nature of my example I will not engage in conversation about covid, vaccination, etc. I simply used it as an example because it was one of the clearest cut examples I had available of a 'line in the sand' that justifies blocking and ignoring, and it's one of the reasons my ignore list is as long as it is.

Whether or not this post survives moderation is up to someone else ... I've got some RL to attend to so later all.

Since I just visited someone recovering from Gillain Barre - serious literal paralysis as a result of vaccination, I understand what you've written more than most will. Thank you for sharing.

As to Arielle's comment, I honestly think there are people who feel justified in whatever they say without repercussions; echoed in your example of Piers Morgan.

Thanks again!

[Luna Bliss]

48 minutes ago, AnthonyJoanne said:

On 5/2/2024 at 11:22 AM, Arielle Popstar said:

The first and foremost kindness is to acknowledge another person/avatar, especially when spoken to. Blocking people automatically forfeits that ability and makes any other acts of kindness moot. 

 

For everyone there is a line, and once someone crosses it, blocking/ignoring is not only justified, it is actually the kindest thing I can do ... the alternatives are unpleasant.

I have to agree with you here, Anthony. Though I rarely block people there comes a time when that is the best (even kindest) thing I can do, and we should be able to determine when our boundaries have been crossed to the degree blocking is necessary without being judged for doing so.

[Arielle Popstar]

1 hour ago, AnthonyJoanne said:

I'm going to have to be extremely careful how I respond to this ... but I'll do it with an RL example which, hopefully, won't trigger any moderation.

Consider, if you will, Piers Morgan.  In 2021 Piers Morgan tweeted that

"Those who refuse to be vaccinated, with no medical reason not to, should be refused NHS care ..."

Ok thank you for sharing. Not sure why you use the particular example in that during the Covid and Lockdown threads aside of a tiny minority, I was likely the main opponent of the masking and vaccine protocols and came up with a lot of documented reasoning why the established medical associations were wrong. Some of my biggest opponents were in fact the ones upvoting and responding to your post and yet, I didn't block any of them in spite of almost 2 years of their vehement opposition to anything I said or shared about it in the forums. Some of that remains to this day because of it. Shrugs, Ces't la vie.

Had I blocked any of them for what was said back then, I would have missed important advice, tips and tricks as well as had festering resentments in spite of knowing the dangers conclusively today.  I didn't ever receive an acknowledgement or apology for the scorn or abuse heaped up back then but still, aside from one who has landed on my block list temporarily for different reasons, no one is on my block list.

There are those public figures who vouched for the vaccines back then and later reversed their stance and that's cool. Some even issued public apologies for their previous stance. To err is human, to forgive divine. It is my opinion that it takes the help of the divine to truly forgive because humanly it is often impossible.

[AnthonyJoanne]

1 hour ago, Arielle Popstar said:

Ok thank you for sharing. Not sure why you use the particular example in that during the Covid and Lockdown threads aside of a tiny minority, I was likely the main opponent of the masking and vaccine protocols and came up with a lot of documented reasoning why the established medical associations were wrong. Some of my biggest opponents were in fact the ones upvoting and responding to your post and yet, I didn't block any of them in spite of almost 2 years of their vehement opposition to anything I said or shared about it in the forums. Some of that remains to this day because of it. Shrugs, Ces't la vie.

 

As I said ... I really want to avoid the specific topic. I'll IM you to avoid messing up the thread.

No - the point I was making is that sometimes someone can and does cross a line and after having crossed that line they (for me at least) don't get to go back. I don't draw my lines in the sand lightly, nor do I decide that someone has crossed that line quickly ... I'm well aware that people can and do often express themselves poorly, or say things which are subject to interpretation. Nuance is vital and all too often it's ignored.

For some people, like myself, once someone has clearly and definitively crossed one of those lines ... the best thing is to write them off and leave them to it.

 

[archangel969]

9 hours ago, Luna Bliss said:

I'm really glad you are open to discussing this, as we have many people on the spectrum in SL, and even on the forum. And it's important to be kind to them once you know of their social difficulties.

I did work with autistic individuals for awhile professionally, but for the most part they weren't high-functioning as we typically find in SL and the forum. So I developed an interest in people who experience life in this way.

What I've noticed is that they tend to be brutally (sometimes anyway) honest, and this can offend others. I'll give you an example. I'd perhaps met an autistic individual in the past (couldn't remember really, could be it was long ago), when suddenly I got a message saying "I got a new camera".  Well, to be honest, it kind of scared me, as he didn't have a 'warming up' period as most do upon contact (especially with someone not known, or not well known), saying something like, "hi, are you busy", or "hey, do you remember me, John, from that concert awhile back. I want to tell you about some new stuff I'm into".  Instead, there was just this one comment with nothing surrounding it -- "I got a new camera".

Well, when people don't relate with known boundaries/expectations, it does alarm me, because many people without boundaries can do very unexpected and offensive things!  My first feeling is "is this a griefer?', or "why does he act like he knows me", and the like.

Anyway, I decided not to cut him off and just said "oh, what type of camera did you get".  And we had a bit of a discussion, and I could tell by the way he talked that he was likely on the spectrum, and kind of socially awkward, but meant no harm. So all was well, and I was glad I persevered and held a tentative attitude toward him until I knew more.

He did, however, get angry with me toward the end because my knowledge of cameras was not up to par.  LOL

Wel, that reads like a classical one on the spectrum :-). That said, there are so many people who are dirrerent, so also people with ASD (Autisme Spectrum Disorder) They are very different from person to person. It's called a spectrum for a reason.

So even being nice will produce different reactions for people on the spectrum but will never be the same as with neurotypical people. My brain is wired differently. That is not a disease but it is an inherited disability. Many people with ASD hate it when you call it a disability, but I like to be clear. In any case, the consequence is that most of us struggle to sense how social behaviour works. However, there are people with ASD, like me, who are socially masking in addition to high functioning. I didn't know I had autism until last year and have spent all these years learning as much social behaviour as possible. So that is learning social behaviour through your cognitive abilities. However, it takes a lot more energy and I notice that now in later life.

I do want to clear up one misunderstanding. Being differently wired means you can sense less directly and naturally what to do in social situations, but that doesn't mean you don't then have a warm beating good heart. What helps a lot for many people with ASD is clarity. If that person says something you find blunt, say it in a clear, friendly way and also explain why. That sounds exaggerated but sometimes that person really can't sense how something comes across to you and explaining why, clearly and calmly without attacks can clear up a lot in the relationship.

I now also suddenly realise that I am ànd Dutch ànd have autism. That's double! (Because the Dutch are known for their directness and bluntness anyway, aren't they? LOL)

 

Edited May 11 by archangel969

[archangel969]

47 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

Wel, that reads like a classical one on the spectrum :-). That said, there are so many people who are dirrerent, so also people with ASD (Autisme Spectrum Disorder) They are very different from person to person. It's called a spectrum for a reason.

So even being nice will produce different reactions for people on the spectrum but will never be the same as with neurotypical people. My brain is wired differently. That is not a disease but it is an inherited disability. Many people with ASD hate it when you call it a disability, but I like to be clear. In any case, the consequence is that most of us struggle to sense how social behaviour works. However, there are people with ASD, like me, who are socially masking in addition to high functioning. I didn't know I had autism until last year and have spent all these years learning as much social behaviour as possible. So that is learning social behaviour through your cognitive abilities. However, it takes a lot more energy and I notice that now in later life.

I do want to clear up one misunderstanding. Being differently wired means you can sense less directly and naturally what to do in social situations, but that doesn't mean you don't then have a warm beating good heart. What helps a lot for many people with ASD is clarity. If that person says something you find blunt, say it in a clear, friendly way and also explain why. That sounds exaggerated but sometimes that person really can't sense how something comes across to you and explaining why, clearly and calmly without attacks can clear up a lot in the relationship.

I now also suddenly realise that I am ànd Dutch ànd have autism. That's double! (Because the Dutch are known for their directness and bluntness anyway, aren't they? LOL)

 

And I am certainly not the only one with a very late diagnosis of autism. An example of a well-known person is Antony Hopkins. I personally benefited a lot from the video on YouTube of circus and variety artist Matt Ricardo who also found out at about the same age as me that he has autism and is open about it in his video channel. If you want to know more, I can also recommend the Autism from The Inside video channel and also Thomas Henley's video channel.

 

Edited May 11 by archangel969

[JacksonBollock]

OK, so kindness in general, as a behaviour, is influenced significantly by key factors such as empathy, altruism, socialization, personal value systems (ethics), and biological feedback mechanisms (such as oxytocin release).

Online environments are not great at facilitating or supporting the factors outlined above, As a species we're still pretty hardwired to dealing with each other in a proximate, embodied context.

So should we even try to be kind, or expect kindness from other while online?

All I'd say is we shouldn't depend on it, or rely on it for our own personal wellbeing.

There are a couple of ways we can protect ourselves a little and be able to shrug off any unkindness that comes our way.

First is to recognise what are sometimes called "argumentative fallacies"  (there are lots of different classification of fallacy which these might fall into). 

If you recognise someone resorting to this sort of thing (certain individuals on these boards aren't shy of the old "ad hominem"), then you can see it as what it is and detach yourself from the situation. To not be too crass about it, if someone lobs an ad hominem at you (or any other fallacy for the matter), you can relax because you've already "won"  

If you add in a certain level of resilience and even self awareness, and you can see that the ad hominem is in fact not true (which it often isn't - because it's the lazy person's first resort) then all the better.

Second - somewhat related - is don't rely too much on anecdotal or subjective experience to support your position (especially in a debate/discussion). It may not be the case, but many times, by doing this and then having your position attacked - it feels like a very personal and triggering attack - even when not intended as such. If things get too close to home for you, then get back to the helicopter view of the discussion as quickly as you can .

My advice here is to stick to metaphor and general analogy, or the theory - but you know, some people don't like that and then they call you a "pseudo intellectual"  

If none of that stuff works, then I like to take advice from the Madagascar Penguins ..

 

[archangel969]

2 hours ago, JacksonBollock said:

OK, so kindness in general, as a behaviour, is influenced significantly by key factors such as empathy, altruism, socialization, personal value systems (ethics), and biological feedback mechanisms (such as oxytocin release).

Online environments are not great at facilitating or supporting the factors outlined above, As a species we're still pretty hardwired to dealing with each other in a proximate, embodied context.

So should we even try to be kind, or expect kindness from other while online?

All I'd say is we shouldn't depend on it, or rely on it for our own personal wellbeing.

There are a couple of ways we can protect ourselves a little and be able to shrug off any unkindness that comes our way.

First is to recognise what are sometimes called "argumentative fallacies"  (there are lots of different classification of fallacy which these might fall into). 

If you recognise someone resorting to this sort of thing (certain individuals on these boards aren't shy of the old "ad hominem"), then you can see it as what it is and detach yourself from the situation. To not be too crass about it, if someone lobs an ad hominem at you (or any other fallacy for the matter), you can relax because you've already "won"  

If you add in a certain level of resilience and even self awareness, and you can see that the ad hominem is in fact not true (which it often isn't - because it's the lazy person's first resort) then all the better.

Second - somewhat related - is don't rely too much on anecdotal or subjective experience to support your position (especially in a debate/discussion). It may not be the case, but many times, by doing this and then having your position attacked - it feels like a very personal and triggering attack - even when not intended as such. If things get too close to home for you, then get back to the helicopter view of the discussion as quickly as you can .

My advice here is to stick to metaphor and general analogy, or the theory - but you know, some people don't like that and then they call you a "pseudo intellectual"  

If none of that stuff works, then I like to take advice from the Madagascar Penguins ..

 

I can totally relate to what you write here. In any case, it is indeed wise not to assume that the another person is nice to you. Another very good one I found was that it is better not to engage in personal emotionally-based attacks. I also liked the one about the anecdote, though that would be tricky for me as I love telling personal anecdotes. Think you mean this related to conflict situations? Those penguins also gave good advice in conflict crisis situations.😄

[Codex Alpha]

34 minutes ago, archangel969 said:

I can totally relate to what you write here. In any case, it is indeed wise not to assume that the another person is nice to you. Another very good one I found was that it is better not to engage in personal emotionally-based attacks. I also liked the one about the anecdote, though that would be tricky for me as I love telling personal anecdotes. Think you mean this related to conflict situations? Those penguins also gave good advice in conflict crisis situations.😄

Telling anecdotes is fine, as long as it's not used as some proof of some alleged widespread issue.

Anecdotal to me is important, as on any particular issue - if I experience something personally and I have experienced it most of my life - may not make it true in reality or for a major group - but it certainly matters to me...

This is why 'In my experience..." is a good way to lead a thought, so it's clear that a claim is not being made, nor is their intention to say that it is factual true, or applies to a large group.