Social anxiety...

[Luna Bliss]

Whether one considers SL a game or considers it more of a platform might have a bearing on the acceptance of a random 'hi'.
For me, SL is a platform and so scrolling through the member list to start an interaction with a stranger feels as weird as picking a random number from a RL phone book and cold-calling them to say 'hi'.
I can understand, though, that if one views SL as a game it would seem appropriate to scroll though the SL member list and message someone randomly.

Sometimes a resident will act as if my experience is part of whatever game they're playing in SL, for example when someone messaged me out of the blue to inform me that my store was a safe zone for those escaping vampire bites. I just played along, smiling because I generally like playfulness, and so said "that's good to know, thanks for letting me know". Doing so caused no harm to my pursuits as long as they weren't annoying anyone in my store, though I can imagine some people might not appreciate being a cut-out in somebody else's play without their permission. 

Anyway, virtual worlds can bend the norms of social interaction in interesting ways.

[Ayashe Ninetails]

10 minutes ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

 

GAWWWWWWWD I LOVE Joan Crawford. 

Yes, that's completely off-topic. No ragrets.

[Love Zhaoying]

Just now, Ayashe Ninetails said:

No ragrets.

Cool, I only knew "NO REGERTS" but Google showed me this one too!

[Luna Bliss]

14 hours ago, Persephone Emerald said:

People in SL do not owe each other friendship, entertainment or conversation.

My time and real friendship has to be earned with respect and consideration for my time and feelings.

Women are socialized to respond to another who wants them more than men are. That's not always a good thing.

Unfortunately I feel a pang of guilt when I don't respond to the random 'hi' IM forwarded to my email.  But if I'm not in the mood to respond, I don't. I'm not under any obligation to do so. 

I don't think I've ever had a good experience from the random 'hi'. I've had a much better experience when someone gives a clearer reason for wanting contact -- something more than just 'hi'.

[Codex Alpha]

19 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

Whether one considers SL a game or considers it more of a platform might have a bearing on the acceptance of a random 'hi'.

Nope, and probably has more to do with the social anxiety and mental state of the person receiving a simple 'hi' than any measure of ill intent of the person.

19 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

For me, SL is a platform and so scrolling through the member list to start an interaction with a stranger feels as weird as picking a random number from a RL phone book and cold-calling them to say 'hi'.
I can understand, though, that if one views SL as a game it would seem appropriate to scroll though the SL member list and message someone randomly.

I don't think the method of initiating contact with someone else is suspect, nor can any intent be assumed from a simple 'hi' as the start of that interaction.

It's not weird, even if they did search through a phone book, or in the context of SL, to search through users that may have similar interests or a profile that catches their eye and want to be social and initiate contact. That's how you make friends...

19 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

Sometimes a resident will act as if my experience is part of whatever game they're playing in SL, for example when someone messaged me out of the blue to inform me that my store was a safe zone for those escaping vampire bites. I just played along, smiling because I generally like playfulness, and so said "that's good to know, thanks for letting me know". Doing so caused no harm to my pursuits as long as they weren't annoying anyone in my store, though I can imagine some people might not appreciate being a cut-out in somebody else's play without their permission.

You'll be alright. They can't harm you.

13 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

Unfortunately I feel a pang of guilt when I don't respond to the random 'hi' IM forwarded to my email.  But if I'm not in the mood to respond, I don't. I'm not under any obligation to do so.

Noone said you had to.

13 minutes ago, Luna Bliss said:

I don't think I've ever had a good experience from the random 'hi'. I've had a much better experience when someone gives a clearer reason for wanting contact -- something more than just 'hi'.

You would be the exception and not the rule.

 

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Codex Alpha

[Love Zhaoying]

Easy question: If someone says "hi" - does ANYONE here in the thread expect more than a "hi back"?

If so, maybe you're just missing the point of a "simple hello".

[Love Zhaoying]

3 minutes ago, Codex Alpha said:

You'll be alright. They can't harm you.

Here is how bad people operate:

Step 1. Convince people are you "not bad".

Step 2. Move in and do something bad.

Hasn't anyone ever taught you "Don't talk to strangers", "Everyone wants something", "Nobody is ever friendly / nice without an agenda", etc.?  People really believe these things and teach them to friends, family, the younger generation, etc.

[Ayashe Ninetails]

Lemme hop back to the OP for a moment. 

 

On 6/20/2022 at 12:03 AM, SatanTM said:

I have been on SL for about three years now consistently, but I haven't been on much lately. I'm trying to get back into it but I'm horrible at making conversation. I don't even know where to start. Most cases people just don't reply to me. Anyone else having this issue?

It's so hard to say why this is happening without knowing what you've tried, who you're trying to connect with, and what they happen to be doing at the time (maybe they're in Photoshop or Blender or in the middle of sorting inventory or something). My only advice is to keep trying to reach out to people. Friendly people can be found all over the place. Don't just rely on clubs, though - lots tend to go AFK in those and it might be harder to strike up a conversation. Just find interesting places to hang out and chat with people you find there.

Also, I saw comments about your name - it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Might make me more receptive to IMs, in fact, but I'm nutty like that. My closest SL friends are of the demon persuasion, so I'm used to that sort of thing. 😄

Edited June 24, 2022 by Ayashe Ninetails
Spacing

[Codex Alpha]

6 minutes ago, Love Zhaoying said:

Here is how bad people operate:

Step 1. Convince people are you "not bad".

Step 2. Move in and do something bad.

Hasn't anyone ever taught you "Don't talk to strangers", "Everyone wants something", "Nobody is ever friendly / nice without an agenda", etc.?  People really believe these things and teach them to friends, family, the younger generation, etc.

That seems like a socially anxious response and assumption, and based in fear or some assumption of ill-intent as a base belief

[Silent Mistwalker]

32 minutes ago, Ayashe Ninetails said:

GAWWWWWWWD I LOVE Joan Crawford. 

Yes, that's completely off-topic. No ragrets.

Not really off topic. Think of all the events (or characters) in that movie that reek of social anxiety. 

[Katie Aurelia]

21 minutes ago, Codex Alpha said:

Nope, and probably has more to do with the social anxiety and mental state of the person receiving a simple 'hi' than any measure of ill intent of the person.

I don't think the method of initiating contact with someone else is suspect, nor can any intent be assumed from a simple 'hi' as the start of that interaction.

It's not weird, even if they did search through a phone book, or in the context of SL, to search through users that may have similar interests or a profile that catches their eye and want to be social and initiate contact. That's how you make friends...

You'll be alright. They can't harm you.

Noone said you had to.

You would be the exception and not the rule.

 

 

Not only have I, personally, not had a good interaction result from a "hi" (doesn't mean every such interaction is Bad, but never had a "hi" intro lead to chatting again), but in regards to the looking me up "phone book style", I've had Only bad interactions with people I didn't meet "in person" as a way of meeting (outside of occasions where friends are like "Oh, poke X, you 2 would get along great")

Can only speak from my own experiences, but the "out of the blue" intros have always been Complete train wrecks for me lol

[Ayashe Ninetails]

7 minutes ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

Not really off topic. Think of all the events (or characters) in that movie that reek of social anxiety. 

Don't hate me but... *whispers*... I haven't seen that one yet!

I went on a major TCM binge years ago and watched everything on demand that I could get my hands on. Not sure if that one was ever on there, though. Most of the films I saw were 30s-50s. I still need to dig into the 60s.

[Silent Mistwalker]

2 minutes ago, Ayashe Ninetails said:

Don't hate me but... *whispers*... I haven't seen that one yet!

I went on a major TCM binge years ago and watched everything on demand that I could get my hands on. Not sure if that one was ever on there, though. Most of the films I saw were 30s-50s. I still need to dig into the 60s.

That one was released in 1965. I saw it once on TV and have never forgotten it. By the time I was a teenager I had no desire to play phone pranks.

[Ayashe Ninetails]

1 minute ago, Silent Mistwalker said:

That one was released in 1965. I saw it once on TV and have never forgotten it. By the time I was a teenager I had no desire to play phone pranks.

I need to see it. I'll poke around and see if I can find it on some streaming service somewhere. Or if it ever comes on TCM. I bet Joan slayed her performance, as usual.

[Tarik Darkheart]

With the lasting impact of covid lockdowns, social anxiety is a real issue. My nephew starts school in a few months but has had hardly any contact with other children until late last year. 
 

This is a real problem which an entire generation will have to overcome. 

[Luna Bliss]

56 minutes ago, Codex Alpha said:

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

Unfortunately I feel a pang of guilt when I don't respond to the random 'hi' IM forwarded to my email.  But if I'm not in the mood to respond, I don't. I'm not under any obligation to do so.

Noone said you had to.

Socialization is a strong force in society, and it's good that you have a bit of information about how some women are socialized so you can deal with them better.

I do that with men too -- try to understand how they were influenced by society -- they are socialized to be strong and not show vulnerability or cry, and so I have said "it's okay if you cry" to men who felt hesitant to appear weak.

[Luna Bliss]

1 hour ago, Codex Alpha said:

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

For me, SL is a platform and so scrolling through the member list to start an interaction with a stranger feels as weird as picking a random number from a RL phone book and cold-calling them to say 'hi'.
I can understand, though, that if one views SL as a game it would seem appropriate to scroll though the SL member list and message someone randomly.

I don't think the method of initiating contact with someone else is suspect, nor can any intent be assumed from a simple 'hi' as the start of that interaction.

It's not weird, even if they did search through a phone book, or in the context of SL, to search through users that may have similar interests or a profile that catches their eye and want to be social and initiate contact. That's how you make friends...

I have never had a good experience with anybody messaging me with a 'hi' and no additional information, so I indeed do assume an intent, and the intention is not anywhere I want to travel. As I said, the random 'hi' with no other information almost always leads to one thing.

Regarding a Profile contact, if they said something beyond only 'hi' I would likely find that acceptable and respond, depending on what they were responding to from my Profile. 

And I didn't say that I thought someone always had ill-intent when contacting me through my Profile, btw. 
I clearly explained, beyond what you quoted, that I consider SL a platform, and that it's as weird for someone to cold-contact me in SL through looking me up in the member list as it would be for someone to open the phone book to contact me in RL. Being at a club or meeting in SL would be very different and a 'hi' would be more welcome, though I would prefer more convo beyond that. 

Profiles are strange things, in that people can put any old thing they want on a Profile, so I don't accept them as truth or a reason I'd talk to someone in SL. Like in RL, if you're looking for friends best to find them at a club or meeting with people who have similar interests -- you get a much better picture of someone that way.

See, Codex, it's complicated when you actually consider other people's feelings beyond your own.

[Luna Bliss]

1 hour ago, Codex Alpha said:

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

Sometimes a resident will act as if my experience is part of whatever game they're playing in SL, for example when someone messaged me out of the blue to inform me that my store was a safe zone for those escaping vampire bites. I just played along, smiling because I generally like playfulness, and so said "that's good to know, thanks for letting me know". Doing so caused no harm to my pursuits as long as they weren't annoying anyone in my store, though I can imagine some people might not appreciate being a cut-out in somebody else's play without their permission.

Expand  

You'll be alright. They can't harm you.

They could harm my store sales, thereby harming me. People generally don't like trying to shop where some stranger is trying to bite them.

As I described the incident you can see I accepted their behavior up to a point, and perhaps more than some even would who do not like to automatically be a part of somebody else's roleplay. I said I would accept it up to the point it would hurt me. You don't seem to be able to allow anybody to set limits on others behavior -- have you noticed that?

[Luna Bliss]

1 hour ago, Codex Alpha said:

1 hour ago, Luna Bliss said:

I don't think I've ever had a good experience from the random 'hi'. I've had a much better experience when someone gives a clearer reason for wanting contact -- something more than just 'hi'.

You would be the exception and not the rule.

 

[Ayashe Ninetails]

21 minutes ago, Tarik Darkheart said:

With the lasting impact of covid lockdowns, social anxiety is a real issue. My nephew starts school in a few months but has had hardly any contact with other children until late last year. 
 

This is a real problem which an entire generation will have to overcome. 

Totally agree. Hopefully kids won't take as long to adjust, once they get back out there. I've gone from being completely comfy in public to being super anxious around people - it can take a bit to fully feel comfortable again and Covid sure hasn't helped any! Not to mention...everything else terrible that's been going on.

Welcome to the forum, btw!

[Love Zhaoying]

1 hour ago, Codex Alpha said:

That seems like a socially anxious response and assumption, and based in fear or some assumption of ill-intent as a base belief

Wrong!

I'll give you a piece of information: the world is not all hearts and flowers. Bad people exist. I hope you never find out the hard way, as many of us have learned - through real life experiences. 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Love Zhaoying

[Nalates Urriah]

1 hour ago, Rowan Amore said:

No one has said that.  All I ask is you have something more to say IF you are expecting a conversation.  Otherwise, all I give back is the same as I get.  

It's amazing that in 2022, I need to explain how a conversation works.

 

Is surprising.

9 minutes ago, Tarik Darkheart said:

With the lasting impact of covid lockdowns, social anxiety is a real issue. My nephew starts school in a few months but has had hardly any contact with other children until late last year. 
 

This is a real problem which an entire generation will have to overcome. 

There are all sorts of explanations about why lock downs were put in place. The only debates about the damage done by them regard how much damage.

@SatanTM There is conversation and there are opening lines. Opening Lines you can look up.

For a time I sort of collected bad opening lines. There are some amazingly STUPID lines.

Conversation can be a skill. The major block to being a good conversationalist is trying to talk about something other than what your interest is. We see comedy show after show about people not being able to express what's on their mind, heart, or hormones. Being brave enough to say what you think without regard to how they will react determines how good a conversationalist you'll be, IMO.

Location in SL determines what is appropriate to talk about. That is not absolute. It is a decent rule of thumb. Using a lewd opening line in a place like Addams clothing store is probably a bad idea. However using a cute coy pickup line in an RLV, BDSM, Capture/Rape region is just as dumb.

If you are interested in a person, consider why. Do you want to hook up? Are you interested in getting to know them? Why are you interested in that way? Go with whatever is on your mind. Set up a conversation to go the direction you want to go. In role play we advise people to avoid God Mode, trying to control the conversation and play. Listen to the other people and go with the flow.

Also, many people try to anticipate what the other person will think and adjust their conversation to what they are imagining. Your imagination will be wrong. If it ever is right, it is an accident.

However, you can read a person's profile and get some guidance. If they say they  don't do ___whatever_here___ then don't plan on trying to take them there or talking them into it.

I like sex, pixel sex too. But I am picky about who... So, walking up and saying 'Hi, I think you are cute. I would like to see what you are like and maybe hook up.' Oh dude, a line like that will get you to 2nd or 3rd base. But I will push on you to see if you are sincere about seeing who I am. As things progress, do you only talk to me about sex? If so, you'll be classed a a booty call. If you are philosophical and are interested in politics and can explain your thinking, hear something and then research and think about it before believing it... we'll have some fun conversations.

I hope you get from this that it isn't about being a good conversationalist it is about having something to converse about. If it is just about my body, I'll get bored pretty quick. While you may find my body highly interesting, I see it every day. So not so interesting to me.

[Persephone Emerald]

8 hours ago, Love Zhaoying said:

In RL, if I am returning to my car from shopping, or out walking my dogs, I can predict within 50-70% accuracy that people saying "hi" are next going to ask for money, or a cigarette (I don't smoke). 

I am not all that cynical. It's just in RL, people don't walk up to your car, or approach you when walking dogs, unless they want something. 
 

SL is similar, but not as bad.

Maybe the difference in people's attitude toward random people saying Hi to them has in part to due with the kinds of neighborhoods we live in. 

I can guarantee you that people in my neighborhood are warry of some strangers saying Hi to them, but this would depend on the circumstances. When my housemate would go for walks during COVID isolation, she would smile and say Hi to the neighbors, chat with those who were friendly, and this helped both parties feel connected and happy. Later, when one of the older men kept leaving notes in our mailbox asking why he hadn't see her, how was she doing, and more, this unwanted attention felt invasive for her, so she changed her walking route to avoid him. 

If I'm outside watering the yard or going to my car and a neighbor says Hi, I'm happy to say Hi back, but if an apparently homeless person or possible drug dealer approaches me at the corner gas station, I'm gonna feel at least irritated if not threatened by them. 

If a random person out in RL says Hi, I'm gonna feel cautious toward them. I might say hello back, but I'm gonna be expecting them to want something from me. The same is true in SL.

[Love Zhaoying]

This is just a "discussion" and I hope nobody is getting upset by it, we don't all have to agree, etc.

SL vs. RL - can be hard to talk about!

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Love Zhaoying

[Liaa Nova]

18 hours ago, Codex Alpha said:

Only in 2022, is it such a chore and such a contested social action (as portrayed by online sources) about saying "Hi".

What it means is how it was meant for centuries. It's a greeting, and you're supposed to say "Hi" back. It's called courtesy.

"Hi" is not a threat.  "Hi" is not unwanted attention. "Hi" isn't meant to scare you away in a Premium sandbox. "Hi" doesn't mean someone is hitting on you. "Hi" doesn't mean someone has sexual interest in you.

I wouldn't say I suffer from social anxiety - but I am developing social anxiety only reading how others react to the most simplest of things - in RL a 'hi' can be met with a complete ignore, or 'taken aback' (how strange, do I look like a goblin, lol), or a pensive "hii? (Why are you speaking to me)" type reaction (strange), or any other number of strange encounters with reactions far out of the norm for what I would expect.

If I said "hello" to you, or complimented you on a product or build or something else you were working on, it would have no sexual intent at all. I'm sure others would agree that if saying 'hello' has become offensive, or giving someone a compliment, or even asking a question or engaging in any way is a 'threat', it can severely damage social interaction in SL.

I still say "hello" if I want or give compliments if I want, I'm not going to change - I'm just reporting the negative responses I get that are not warranted, and it is not me who needs to change but some people's response to an time-honored courtesy.

If I get a 'Hi' IM from a random guy, it's never yet been anything but him wanting to take things further. Why not state what you want rather than put it on the other person to carry the conversation? Hi gets no response, Hi, I love your profile/dress or Hi, I'm new here and was wondering how x works does