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Are you lonely in SL?


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It's been more than three years since I've had any new friends in SL. I keep myself busy with photography and creations for my store, But at the end of the day I don't really know why I am still  here.. alone, creating random things for my Avatar and then logging off.
No matter where I go, my IM is inanimate. Feels like no one dares to talk to me for some reason. There are times when I want to start a conversation with someone random but am afraid they will think my intentions are inclined to something sexual.
I really want a pleasant and friendly friendship with someone but I don't know where to find that person.
How is the acquaintance going in SL today?

I needed to rant...

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1 hour ago, bateliii said:

It's been more than three years since I've had any new friends in SL. I keep myself busy with photography and creations for my store, But at the end of the day I don't really know why I am still  here.. alone, creating random things for my Avatar and then logging off.
No matter where I go, my IM is inanimate. Feels like no one dares to talk to me for some reason. There are times when I want to start a conversation with someone random but am afraid they will think my intentions are inclined to something sexual.
I really want a pleasant and friendly friendship with someone but I don't know where to find that person.
How is the acquaintance going in SL today?

I needed to rant...

How about checking out the forum cartel meeting on a Wednesday evening? I'm going to go next week ^^

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I feel the same way. I think one of my biggest problems is my time zone (UTC+7) which puts me 14 hours ahead of in-world time. There are not many people from Southeast Asia on Second Life compared to other regions of the world.  

My partner is my RL wife but she has not been on SL in 8 years, I keep her as my partner because well... she is and I'm not looking for adult activities or romantic relationships. I have been told multiple times that having a partner is a deterrent and people will not chat with you, I personally think that's pretty silly and I don't care to talk to people with an attitude like that anyway.   

I've found that I average a new friend about once a year and they seem to last one month to a year but move on or find more interesting people to do things with. I have also found that making friends here on the forums does not last past a conversation or two.  

You're welcome to message me, I have some of the same interests as you and I'm NOT looking for anything other than friendship. 

Edited by Max Nova
typo
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2 hours ago, bateliii said:

There are times when I want to start a conversation with someone random but am afraid they will think my intentions are inclined to something sexual.

That's what they are thinking too. ^_^ Well, mostly......probably.

Edited by AnnabelleApocalypse
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7 hours ago, bateliii said:

No matter where I go, my IM is inanimate. Feels like no one dares to talk to me for some reason. There are times when I want to start a conversation with someone random but am afraid they will think my intentions are inclined to something sexual.

 

This part of your profile may dissuade people from IM'ing you:

If i didn't reply to your IM it might be because capped messages. please send me a notecard if you didn't hear from me.

 

 

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I can relate, too. The friends I did make were mostly through the forum or because of my love for breedables. Taking that first step is hard but waiting for others to make that first step won't lead anywhere either. So if someone looks interesting, take that plunge, the worst that can happen is that they don't respond.

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3 hours ago, Randall Ahren said:

This part of your profile may dissuade people from IM'ing you:

If i didn't reply to your IM it might be because capped messages. please send me a notecard if you didn't hear from me.

 

 

I thought so too but usually capped messages happen when logging in. Funnily enough it's because of my groups.
Since I have a store I don't want to take the risk of losing a message from a customer, so it was important for me to note that.
But good point, maybe it 'scares' people off.

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9 hours ago, Robberinthemuseum said:

How about checking out the forum cartel meeting on a Wednesday evening? I'm going to go next week ^^

I've never heard of the place but I'll take a look when I have a chance!

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We are in a chat platform and afraid to chat . I don't have many chat friends either, I don't always have time either. My friends/group list is mostly about blogging. I think so many people are gun shy because of a few bad apples and some do come in just to *work*. 

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2 hours ago, So Whimsy said:

I can relate, too. The friends I did make were mostly through the forum or because of my love for breedables. Taking that first step is hard but waiting for others to make that first step won't lead anywhere either. So if someone looks interesting, take that plunge, the worst that can happen is that they don't respond.

I think the bolded part hits the nail on the head.  You join a community with similar interests and you already have a topic for conversation and a welcoming enviroment to talk to people, without worrying about what they might think.  In my case, I took up sailing, and met a bunch of really nice people there.

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1 hour ago, StarlanderGoods said:

I think the bolded part hits the nail on the head.  You join a community with similar interests and you already have a topic for conversation and a welcoming enviroment to talk to people, without worrying about what they might think.  In my case, I took up sailing, and met a bunch of really nice people there.

Joining a community definitely makes it easier to find like-minded people, but sometimes it's nice to get to know people with whom you have little in common and learn something about their experiences and perspectives rather than surrounding yourself with like-minded people.

Starting random conversations with strangers can be a daunting prospect, especially in modern day SL where random IMs are met with almost unanimous suspicion and mistrust, but as long as you're respectful and clear about your intentions then most people are fairly approachable.

Believe it or not, one of the things that made a big impression on me when I first started in SL was how friendly and approachable everyone was.  The area I live in IRL is infamous for it's surly and unapproachable inhabitants, so when I first joined SL having random strangers just wander up to me and strike up a conversation was an entirely alien experience and really drove home to me just how inhospitable those around me in RL were in comparison.  Sadly, these days I'm more likely to get a pleasant conversation from a random stranger if I go to the grocery store than I would logging into SL and randomly talking to someone I don't know, and believe me it's not because the people in this area have gotten any friendlier over the years! 🙄

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I make new friends all the time. A lot of times that makes me feel lonelier, although I do appreciate them and enjoy what they do bring into my life (in sl, discord, whever).

At the end of the day the older you get, the harder it is find people you synch with. It's just how it is, it seems.

This is one of my favorite songs, and it fits SL just as much as RL...

 

 

Edited by Han Held
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18 hours ago, Robberinthemuseum said:

How about checking out the forum cartel meeting on a Wednesday evening? I'm going to go next week ^^

Yipee!   Looking forward to that!   I do think TFC has a very diverse group of friendly folks who enjoy meeting up and chatting. :)

 

In direct response to the OP,    I have felt lonely in SL ...     You can go a lot of places and there isn't a soul in range.   You can go to a club full of people and feel just as isolated.   

My best experiences come from finding a small or medium group of people with shared interests of some sort,  rather than going to the "hot spots" alone.

 

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20 hours ago, colleen Criss said:

We are in a chat platform and afraid to chat . I don't have many chat friends either, I don't always have time either. My friends/group list is mostly about blogging. I think so many people are gun shy because of a few bad apples and some do come in just to *work*. 

people being rude to me at my first day 😜

so i wont chat anymore 🤣

there are genuine good folks, but they are rareeeee

Edited by Kalegthepsionicist
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On 4/15/2022 at 1:53 PM, Randall Ahren said:

This part of your profile may dissuade people from IM'ing you:

If i didn't reply to your IM it might be because capped messages. please send me a notecard if you didn't hear from me.

 

 

sounds controversy with her statement,

" noone dare talk to me "🙄

thinkaboutit-smart.gif.83e0bce9f86a94a90344d1350a390267.gif

 

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Hang out at public areas and socialize there; and unless there’s already too many ongoing conversations in local at the moment, chat there too, not in IM. If there’s nothing private (and there shouldn’t be, with a stranger towards whom you have no questionable intents), then there’s no need of it, and the advantage of public conversations is that others can join in, making it more lively and letting those who aren’t great conversationalists to step back when they might.

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5 minutes ago, Ren Toxx said:

Hang out at public areas and socialize there; and unless there’s already too many ongoing conversations in local at the moment, chat there too, not in IM. If there’s nothing private (and there shouldn’t be, with a stranger towards whom you have no questionable intents), then there’s no need of it, and the advantage of public conversations is that others can join in, making it more lively and letting those who aren’t great conversationalists to step back when they might.

he want someone IM, him not local chat.

he want warm friendship not just acquintance ,.

@bateliii     since you are bussiness guy, why dont you try start conversqtion with your customer , and try get close to them😄

customer is your best friend, they give you profit😁

Edited by Kalegthepsionicist
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I'm often alone in SL.
But I don't feel lonely.

It is my choice to concentrate on playing with the meshes and to be a merchant.
SL is not my life, just a part of it.

Edited by Sid Nagy
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2 hours ago, Kalegthepsionicist said:

he want someone IM, him not local chat.

And I want a billion dollars, but they don’t come my way 😉

 

Quote

he want warm friendship not just acquintance

One starts with the other. Going from stranger to dearest-friend in zero seconds is unrealistic, and he also says he’s finding resistance because of the IM assumed intention thing. Hence the local chat suggestion, to start acquainting yourself with people before moving on, or even finding the need to, zero in on anyone in particular.

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   I'm seeing a lot of .. The usual comments for the subject of this topic, which comes up every so often around here. And, just as with most other recurring subjects, people tend to have a rather firm and binary position; a few people agreeing with how difficult it is, and others dismissing any difficulty involved with making friends at all - I, myself, have previously on these forums been a part of the latter 'faction'. I still do, largely, but seeing how often it comes up I realise that it isn't universally applicable to anyone, and that there can be a number of reasons for anyone finding it difficult to make friends in SL.

   A very important subfactor of this discussion is of course how we define a friend. I personally set the bar pretty high, but I also 'allow' people onto my contact list without necessarily considering them my trustees or BFFs that I'd take a bullet for and expect to be there for me 'in sickness and in health'. By that, I give people a chance to gradually become my friends - you don't 'find' friends, just like you don't 'find' your soulmate; I consider trust a huge portion of what constitutes friendship, and that is something that you must build up. If someone on my contact list constantly refuses to share anything of themselves (and I don't mean nudes or home addresses!), if they constantly require me to be the driving factor in making conversation whilst never showing a sliver of interest in kind, then they will fail, and eventually get swept away when I tidy up my contact list. But if they show kindness, and open up to giving their own thoughts into a conversation, then they may well stick around long enough that I will happily refer to them as my friends - unless they appear to be genuinely despicable individuals whose presence I find much too disagreeable to socialise with (which is something fairly rare, in my experience). 

   It is very possible to feel lonely even in the company of others, because just standing next to each other and discussing the weather does not constitute a meaningful exchange of social content - it's like being on a diet of nothing but empty calories, your stomach may feel full; but you're still starving for nutrients, and the effects thereof may well begin taking their toll. 

   People also have very different needs. Some need social exposure pretty much constantly, whilst others - including myself - needs a large portion of their time to be spent by themselves, and there's very much a gradient between the two, and people may well be moving back and forth along that gradient over time (and yes - that is the definition of extrovertedness versus introvertedness which, and I will repeat for the hundredth time on these forums - is not the same as being 'shy' or 'not shy').

   Social ineptitude is a vicious downward spiral, and social adeptness doesn't necessarily carry over from RL to SL or vice versa. If you are insecure, if you don't feel that you fully understand or feel compatible with the social conventions (which are often vastly different in SL and RL), it very much shows, and very much affects your ability to make friends. For myself, I've noted many of the social conventions within Second Life, and how they are often contradictory in different circumstances, and that people have wildly different ideas of what they are - so there's no bloody wonder that people are reserved, or that it over times becomes a very tangibly distressing. 

   My advice? It's cheesy; be yourself. And no, I don't mean 'stand in the corner quietly and hope someone will IM you because that's what you feel comfortable with' - I mean, spot a person you think seems interesting, ditch any idea of what social conventions might be stopping you, and go talk to them. Do they talk back to you? Good - you've started the process which may potentially make you a friend. If they don't? Too bad, but there's plenty of fish in the sea. It doesn't matter what you say, really, that part is entirely up to you - but say something, 'hi' by itself, with or without a 'how are you', isn't something, really. Bring up whatever made you think them interesting, whether it was something in their profile that caught your interest, or if it's something about their avatars you find intriguing or appealing. Tell a random person a random fact you find interesting and see how they respond. Or just walk up to them and ask them if they like industrial metal music - or just outright interrogate them for their favourite Rammstein song (and if they can only name 'Du Hast', you close the IM window and move to the next person!). But say something

   TL:DR - friendship and online socialisation (as well as offline) are complicated stuff, but it's probably best not to overthink it. Like I do. Obviously. 

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On 4/15/2022 at 2:46 AM, bateliii said:

I thought so too but usually capped messages happen when logging in. Funnily enough it's because of my groups.
Since I have a store I don't want to take the risk of losing a message from a customer, so it was important for me to note that.
But good point, maybe it 'scares' people off.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that message. It provides important information for your customers and friends.

If that reasonable request (send notecard) scares people off, that is on them, not you. There is nothing about that message that would scare any human with half a brain cell left.

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