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why message someone if you wont continue the interraction?


Todeuz
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This one chick tends to be the one who hits me up first, she can bring up her addiction problem or just be kind and ask me how I've been. but it feels like no matter what response I give they don't feel satisfied and never throw the ball back. 

Why the f even bother messaging me then? Like what possible answer do you expect from me to be satisfied to continue the conversation? 

Although it's immature are you better off just removing these kind of people? Or should you just accept that this is a common thing?

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18 minutes ago, Todeuz said:

but it feels like no matter what response I give they don't feel satisfied and never throw the ball back. 

What do you mean by this part?  Someone reaches out and shares something or asks how you are.  How do you respond? What does the other person do after that response?  What are you expecting back from them?

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I suspect she IMs several people at once, because often people are AFK or busy. She is hoping one of the people she IMs will have a conversation, she finds two or three who will. She picks one of them to talk to and it is not you. 

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40 minutes ago, Todeuz said:

This one chick tends to be the one who hits me up first, she can bring up her addiction problem or just be kind and ask me how I've been. but it feels like no matter what response I give they don't feel satisfied and never throw the ball back. 

Why the f even bother messaging me then? Like what possible answer do you expect from me to be satisfied to continue the conversation? 

Although it's immature are you better off just removing these kind of people? Or should you just accept that this is a common thing?

It's frustrating isn't it?  Maybe the next time this person sends you a message, don't message straight back. See what happens. They might be sending several people a message at the same time and not responding to your response because they're engaging in chat with someone else, or maybe they just felt the need to get something off their chest and then saw something shiny in the distance that took their attention away from the conversation.

Who knows how people really tick though? 

If you don't feel satisfied with the relationship you have with this person, you don't have to continue with it/them.  

I actually had a friend in real life for 28 years who would pretty much do the same thing. He'd write a three A4 page equivalent wall of text email all about what he''d been doing, and ask how I was as an afterthought at the end. I would always respond within a couple of days, give him praise about his achievements, try and allay any worries he had about things, and then say briefly what was going on in my life, and then I wouldn't hear from him for another six months, he would respond to absolutely nothing from my email, and just again write out another wall of text about his own life.  It was very frustrating, a one-way "conversation", and I gave up wondering what he got out of this so-called friendship, and as I got nothing from it except a feeling of desolation I binned it.  

Some friendships really are only transitional.

On the flipside, I have another friend who touches base only occasionally but we always have a two-way chat and a lot of laughs, and I would never ever bin her. 

 

 

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I don't think it's immature at all to remove her. She obviously doesn't value your interaction if she never responds, so it might be better for you to give her a pass and spend your energy on people who reciprocate the effort.

Don't waste your time and energy on people who don't give it back, y'know?

Aint Nobody Got Time For That GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

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You are trying to figure out why a person who is a total stranger to you and owes you nothing has a specific habit, delete/ignore and go find someone compatible.

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This is just as silly as the men who message "Hello, how are you today?".  " I'm doing great, thanks and how is your day going? ". 

Silence for 10-15 minutes, sometimes longer.

" So, what are you up?"

At this point, I just close the IM box and ignore them.  Often, I'll get one more IM with, 

" ? "   

 

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I personally love the conversations that are like. . .

them: hey, how are you?

me: i'm good! just did so and so, now i'm just chillin. how about you? :)

them: i'm good

them 10 minutes after I don't bother replying because my back isn't strong enough to carry the conversation myself: ??? you there? hello?

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On 12/28/2021 at 1:29 PM, Todeuz said:

[...] no matter what response I give they don't feel satisfied and never throw the ball back.

There are people who actually don’t know how. They try to play the game, in part precisely because they suck at it and want, need to get better... and in part because it’s the only game there is. But until they learn, they’ll rarely know how to throw most balls back.

If that’s her case, it’s still not your problem, and you may remove her and even mute her free of guilt, if she annoys you so. Just don’t do it with a slam—in a very real way, it’s not her fault either, and negative reinforcement doesn’t work all that well, because social disability doesn’t necessarily come with emotional disability.

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You never know exactly what people are thinking or what mood they are in. He/She  may be in a good mood when he/she texts you and then in such a bad mood that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. Maybe some of your behavior, the way you talk, the other person didn't like it? When I see things that I don't like in someone or realize that we don't fit together with that person, I politely end our relationship by telling them about it.But people express themselves in different ways, I can choose to speak but he/she can choose to be silent.and some friends are with us for a short time, their place in our lives is up to a point, our destiny and happiness do not depend on who comes out of our lives, those who should really be with you will stay with you anyway. Sometimes it can be difficult to find the right people for you, when they no longer want to talk to you, you should politely dismiss them from your life and go on your way, that's all. 🙂

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5 hours ago, Ren Toxx said:

Just don’t do it with a slam—in a very real way, it’s not her fault either, and negative reinforcement doesn’t work all that well, because social disability doesn’t necessarily come with emotional disability.

This is so damn true it hurts. I deal with some major depression, and in large parts due to a lot of trauma growing up, being social can be a big challenge for me. Behind a screen it's not too horrible for me, but in person, that's an entirely different story. The harder I get hit with things, the harder it becomes for me to communicate properly, which in turn adds on to the degree in which I feel the hits and just creates this spiral effect that gets pretty hard to overcome for me. It really puts me into this position of before I meet someone, I have to be able to talk with them first which is essentially only through texts or messaging, or something else. Because if I try in person, anxiety just completely floods me and ruins practically any chance of making any progress. People don't understand the difficulty that these things come with because they're just so quick to spout off the usual "Gain self confidence bro, you'll never gain self confidence if you don't try but you can only gain it if you try because you have to have it before even trying bro." Yeah, that's what therapy is designed to help with. But that doesn't mean that someone who is going to have to spend YEARS overcoming that lack shouldn't be allowed to live their life. And constant and negative reinforcement does not help that, at all, in any way shape or form. It only makes it extremely worse.

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30 minutes ago, KyrasCorric said:

..being social can be a big challenge for me.

Fair enough but you don't say anywhere in your profile that you have issues being social. Copy paste the quoted sentence in your main profile,  that will not only notify others but will also show that you respect the people you talk to and don't ignore them deliberately.

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On 12/28/2021 at 7:29 AM, Todeuz said:

This one chick tends to be the one who hits me up first, she can bring up her addiction problem or just be kind and ask me how I've been. but it feels like no matter what response I give they don't feel satisfied and never throw the ball back. 

Compared to the list of other friends on my list that never contact, this is actually better then not at all. I had such a person on my list for a while and though it was a little challenging at first, after a few times I modified my responses so they were not just a statement but also included some sort of query for a return response. That resulted in some short dialogues which was fine. It worked for them and really wasn't a problem for me even if it was a somewhat superficial level. There is something to be learned in any interaction between people so may as well run with it rather than getting bent out of shape about it and deleting them.

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Well the problem with that is I've found that advertising yourself with flaws like that never ends well. I've lost count of the amount of conversations I used to have back in the day that would just abruptly end the moment I said I dealt with depression. It didn't matter how great the conversation was, what we were laughing about, what we were talking about, things that we would share with each other, none of it. The moment I said I dealt with depression, that was it, no second chance, no understanding, no willingness to adapt to it, nothing. It was a straight "You're broken, I don't like that, you're worthless and not worth my time." There's a difference between saying you can be socially awkward and saying that you struggle with being social.

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14 minutes ago, KyrasCorric said:

The moment I said I dealt with depression, that was it, no second chance, no understanding, no willingness to adapt to it, nothing. It was a straight "You're broken, I don't like that, you're worthless and not worth my time."

Ok but still people have the right to choose who/what they want. If they don't want to be with who you genuinely are then that is perfectly fine, you should be ok with it and find those that want to be with you.

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I never said that they didn't have the right to choose. What I'm getting at is going from "You're funny, I like you" straight to "Oh, well you're broken, and you're not worth anything to me" over and over and over and over and over again does not help. There's a difference between being okay with something and having something so *****ing drilled into your head that it permanently scars you to the point where recovery doesn't even feel like it's possible. And when you get to that point, you're not going to find those that want to be with you because you're not even going to make the attempt to find those that want to be with you because your first immediate thought is that they're going to be the exact same thing as everyone else, why should I even bother to try. If a relationship doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen, and that's fine. But when you're flat out deemed unworthy of even being seen as a person over and over and over and over and over again, there's no just ''being okay with it."

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1 minute ago, KyrasCorric said:

What I'm getting at is going from "You're funny, I like you" straight to "Oh, well you're broken, and you're not worth anything to me" over and over and over and over and over again does not help.

Ok if they don't want to be with you it is fine. I don't see where the problem is, other users are not in Second Life to "help" , they are in Second Life to have fun and do whatever. Now if some of them "might" want to tolerate us and our own issues that's a whole different story and that is not a rule when it comes to socializing. People have every right to choose what/who they like to be with and reject anyone that they don't want.

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I think we got lines crossed there. You had mentioned initially about what my profile didn't state and I responded with what I've noticed not just in SL, but in RL as well. And RL is where I ended up taking that part of the conversation. Two completely different things about handling that in SL and RL. Doesn't mean the same effects can't happen, but when it comes to SL, I get what you're saying there and agree for a large part of it. My apologies for blending the lines and finding myself on the opposite line than what was being referenced there.

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42 minutes ago, KyrasCorric said:

I never said that they didn't have the right to choose. What I'm getting at is going from "You're funny, I like you" straight to "Oh, well you're broken, and you're not worth anything to me" over and over and over and over and over again does not help. There's a difference between being okay with something and having something so *****ing drilled into your head that it permanently scars you to the point where recovery doesn't even feel like it's possible. And when you get to that point, you're not going to find those that want to be with you because you're not even going to make the attempt to find those that want to be with you because your first immediate thought is that they're going to be the exact same thing as everyone else, why should I even bother to try. If a relationship doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen, and that's fine. But when you're flat out deemed unworthy of even being seen as a person over and over and over and over and over again, there's no just ''being okay with it."

Okay honestly if someone deems you to be of lesser value because of your depression, they are not someone you want in your life at all. If they seemed chill at first, but then quickly look around for the exit once they learn of your struggles with depression, then gladly show them the door. It's 2022, who tf is out there hating on people with depression? Yikes man, that's a red flag to me so I'd happily give them the boot.

I think that's what Nick was saying, it's their freedom to choose to walk away from someone they don't want to interact with, and you shouldn't mourn the loss too hard because they're the ones that aren't worth your time. It's a bullet dodged, and leaves you more time and energy to spend finding people who will enjoy and accept you as is. You deserve genuine friendships and relationships with other people just as much as anyone else. No one is whole, and no one is broken -- we're simply human.

Edited by LilNosferatu
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