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Basic SLetiquette Friendship Rules


Prokofy Neva
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I wonder if people here agree that these are the basic rules for friendship in SL. For me, they are non-negotiable.

o Do not IM me instantly when you see my log on. In my case, I need to go through my customers' tickets first. There are multiple IMs from friends and not-friends. By jamming on me instantly with your needs and demands, you let me know that you are too needy to continue with. Let's say you are even a partner, or a real friend bursting with news you feel I must hear instantly. It seems to me you can still wait a judicious 10 minutes while the world rezzes for me and I can read my mail.

o Do not send me force-ports. What is a force-port? That's when you send me an unsolicited TP. It's not "forced" in the sense that I don't have to click on it. But it feels forced the way it intrudes on the screen with a demand. So don't do that. Whether you are a customer or a friend or an enemy. I won't be clicking. I will tell you when I have time I will look. So send an LM then, not a force-port.

o Do not round me up on to your DJ list. I do not want to go to your club, hear you DJing, or watch my avatar dance -- pretty much all of the time. For those few exceptions that might come with some DJ I would really want to hear, or a dance with actual friends or just a group I wish to support, I am capable of getting there on my own two avatar legs or flying. You know? No need to harangue with me an invitation -- especially when you already put one in a group notice where I am a member.

o Do not send me a friendship card merely to see if I am online or just to collect friends. Because I will rudely delete it, as it was unsolicited. If you are in the same group as me, you can look on the group members list (in my groups, these are not hidden) and see if I am online. No need for false friendship. If we are chatting, even as very new friends, and you wish to stay in touch, a simple "Mind if I friend you?" can suffice and I would rarely say "no" if I saw it was sincere. But in general, there's no need to collect friendship cards.

These are the very basics. Likely there are others? I would put "score keeping" among them possibly, as some people keep score as to the number of times you IM them first, and pout if you don't IM them first now and then. But generally if someone reaches that stage, you know they are too needy to keep them happy in this virtual world.

Edited by Prokofy Neva
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  • Prokofy Neva changed the title to Basic SLetiquette Friendship Rules

I don't necessarily disagree with your points but also, different people have different points of views. I have friends who would send me a message or TP right away when I log on. But they know me closely, and they would never bother me instantly if it wasn't for a good reason. And in 99,9%, they do have a good reason.

Also, most of my friends are just happy individuals frolicking in the SL sun who don't think "Oh, the business woman got online, I have to let her accommodate" but who think "OMG OMG OMG my good friend is online, we see us rarely, and I am here at a gorgeous location / having an exeptionally funny party with other people / discovered something extraordinary, I want to share the joy with her NOW because I care for her, and she needs some goddamn socializing from time to time before she vanishes in her bubble of work again and becomes depressed" (I exaggerate, of course). I myself tend to take care of any kind of business related tasks first as well, and I sometimes feel slightly annoyed if I am bombarded right away. But if an instant message or tp comes from any of these friends, I would always be willing to tolerate it because I know that their motif was nothing but genuine care. Any slightly annoyance is a hundred times outweighted by all the other reasons why I consider them my friends.

And in general, I would say that the most important basic etiquette rule for any kind of friendship, be it SL or RL, should be communication.

Now if it comes to people who added me only to increase their "contact card collection" for whatever reason, chances are, that they won't stay on my list for a longer period. I am not a fan of a long list anyway, and if they wanted to contact me once a year, I don't mind to share my contact card for that one ocassion. 

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Generally speaking I think it depends more on the who, than the what.  If someone I just met is sending me tp's or friend requests I'll likely decline.  If someone I just met is pouncing on me moments after logging in, that's red flag to me.  If, on the other hand, these are my good friends just excited to see me, that feels good and I welcome that.  That's not to say you can't have boundaries and to request people respect those regardless of the nature of your relationships with them.

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2 hours ago, Yukiko Yeshto said:

Also, most of my friends are just happy individuals frolicking in the SL sun who don't think "Oh, the business woman got online, I have to let her accommodate" but who think "OMG OMG OMG my good friend is online, we see us rarely, and I am here at a gorgeous location / having an exeptionally funny party with other people / discovered something extraordinary, I want to share the joy with her NOW because I care for her

Yes, that's how I'd interpret it :x  

I also don't mind the DJ thing...if they're a friend, it's supporting their DJ group by boosting numbers. So even if you don't go to every set, or the music's not really your thing..why not?

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Agreed on all counts, within reason.

For me one of the worst peeves is conference call lists. If you want to start conversations with all your 'fans', make a d**n group.

Edited by Quistess Alpha
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I don't have or need friendships rules.
Friends are always welcome to contact me when online.
If I have other things going on that need my attention at that moment, I will tell them, just as they will tell me, when I drop in inconveniently with my IM.

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I don't have many rules besides don't be a creep. Friendships are friendships and if someone IMs me even when I am extremely busy, it doesn't bother me. Why? Because they're a friend. As for how to become my friend, the same "don't be a creep" rule applies. I've been known to accept random requests if the requester's profile is interesting - because even if they turn out to be a creep, I can just drop them. No problem.

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   It's very individual. I'm much more lenient with close friends and family, and don't really mind if they jump me the moment I log in. If others conduct themselves in a manner which I find annoying and inappropriate for any reason, I'll make my own judgement there and then as to whether I wish to continue having them on my contact list; I'm never obliged to, no one is.

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Instant IMs don't bother me too much.  If the person is not a super close friend, I tend to ignore the IM until my login stuff has settled down.  Even for close friends, I'll read the IM but possibly not respond right away.  Additionally, I have Firestorm's auto-respond mode turned on for everyone -- mostly because if I am out shopping or doing a hunt, it is very likely that I will not even notice an IM for many minutes if not hours.

The other things listed I do also hate: 
- An unsolicited TP will always be denied and if the person persists in doing such things, they'll be off my Friends list. 
- Someone who does mass TPs or conference calls for events will be dropped instantly from my Friends list.  If you are a performer, you should have your own group and/or subscriber and I'll either be a member/subscriber, thereby getting your notices of events, or I won't because I don't want or need notification of your events.  If you do have a group/subscriber, notices & group chat are enough - skip any sort of mass TP invite or I'll drop the group/subscriber.

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My ‘rules’, such as they are, revolve a lot more around whether to even accept/send the request in the first place. Not making this a criticism, Prokofy—there may be a perfectly good reason why you do things differently. But if I had the problems you describe, I’d be hard-pressed not to conclude it’s my own friending policy that needs revision. I very much doubt I’d be inclined to add people who are stalkerish, neurotic clubgoers, self-absorbed DJs, or otherwise mindless friend hoarders.


True, you can’t always tell after just a few conversations… but the point is, if that’s when I added, then I might as well consider letting more time pass before doing it. Which is exactly what I do; and yes, I get plenty who go on to consider (and often say) that I’m unfriendly—which, in and on itself, I find a mighty handy indicator of which ones won’t be good friends anyway.


The result being that all of my friends know I take no crap, so they don’t offer it.

Edited by Ren Toxx
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Besides the fact that we all have different expectations and different rules, I think its also true that for me at least there are different expectations for different people, Sure I don't want everyone on my list IMing me when I first log on. But there are a few that I would be very happy if they did.

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I imagine running a land business has an impact on this; I rarely get such annoyances now (though I did, back when I used to run a store). 

I don't mind IMs when I first log in, but I do mind if the friend gets agitated if I don't reply right away. That's a red flag of the "too needy" type. 

But absolutely, friends who are DJs or club owners, any unsolicited tp request or conference call to tell me about their event not only gets them dropped from my friends list but I will also leave the club group and delete the landmark too.  It's annoying and incredibly rude.

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I've thankfully never received any mass TPs or conference calls. I didn't even know that was a thing.  I do cringe a bit when I log in to instantly receive message from someone.  I have fewer than 40 "friends" and only about 5 are even active.  I've become much less social over the last decade and enjoy spending time alone anyway.  My remaining friends know and understand, if they didn't,  they would not be on my friends list.  I really value the few friends I talk with. ♥️

I use alts a lot when I want to be left alone, but my main has the best inventory and sometimes she needs/wants to be logged in.

I also use the auto respond messages.

I basically agree with the OP, but since I don't have a business inworld, I don't have all the same issues.

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11 hours ago, Ren Toxx said:

My ‘rules’, such as they are, revolve a lot more around whether to even accept/send the request in the first place. Not making this a criticism, Prokofy—there may be a perfectly good reason why you do things differently. But if I had the problems you describe, I’d be hard-pressed not to conclude it’s my own friending policy that needs revision. I very much doubt I’d be inclined to add people who are stalkerish, neurotic clubgoers, self-absorbed DJs, or otherwise mindless friend hoarders.


True, you can’t always tell after just a few conversations… but the point is, if that’s when I added, then I might as well consider letting more time pass before doing it. Which is exactly what I do; and yes, I get plenty who go on to consider (and often say) that I’m unfriendly—which, in and on itself, I find a mighty handy indicator of which ones won’t be good friends anyway.


The result being that all of my friends know I take no crap, so they don’t offer it.

I have thousands of friendship cards, many from people who either died in RL or ceased coming to SL at all for 10 years -- I'm that old.

That's because many nervous tenants want to friend me as they think they will be unable to find me and get service unless they can see whether I am online. Some are friendly and I'm friendly to them back, but then they start in with the DJ parties and I cut their card quick -- but it seems cutting cards doesn't work as it used to, if they still have *my* card. I used to just tolerate all these "friends" -- now I tell tenants that they can find me by looking in the group or sending me an email, it's not necessary.

But I also find that if I go to a store, if I got to a gallery opening, if I go to any event, I find myself picking up "friends" -- because they want to mass spam me later. So what do you do? Accept the card and delete it later? I say "Only if you promise not to send me force-ports and DJ notices" -- and that gets rid of some of them, pronto.

Then there's a category of actual friends you make along the way, you are in the same group with the same activities, or you chat about something you have in common -- and then a certain percentage -- certainly a small one -- start this needy behaviour.  Instantly IMing me when I log on, etc. and asking me, for instance, to go sailing. Or go shopping. My KittyCats are like that too, they constantly want to go shopping or for a walk.

BTW I should mention that I hate sailing. Why? Because while it's good if someone else is driving the boat so you don't have to keep looking at the map and struggling around banlines, if you see something on shore that is interesting and try to look at it, often you just fall out of the boat. Very rarely I will take my own Bama boat out sailing at my own pace. But did I mention I don't like sailing? I totally realize that sailing for some people is the heart of their SL, they love it, they get $4500 boats which they then park in my $100 rentals where they don't quite fit, etc. etc. TOTALLY get the sailing thing and I'm all for it. I'm all for land and areas like Blake getting actual value because people value it.

But please, don't have your feelings hurt if I don't feel like sailing most of the time. PS I also don't enjoy watching my avatar dance. Do you? I find it one of the more vapid activities of SL, but what can you do, it's popular. 

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Yes, I agree with most of the points Prokofy made in the original post. I don't like it when people IM me the second I log on, and I definitely do not like it when someone sends me a TP without asking first. I want to know where they are TPing me to, for starters. I'll usually accept friendship requests, but find that most people who want to be my friend never end up talking to me anyway,  either expecting me to perform the emotional labour in the "friendship", or just collecting friends.

1 hour ago, Prokofy Neva said:

PS I also don't enjoy watching my avatar dance. Do you? I find it one of the more vapid activities of SL, but what can you do, it's popular. 

I enjoy it! Not generally at the crowded places but I know some quieter places with a nice atmosphere (Ocho Tango Place, for example, which is well worth a visit even if you don't dance, lovely build). I find dancing a pleasant thing to do with company, less so on my own.

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1 hour ago, Prokofy Neva said:

PS I also don't enjoy watching my avatar dance. Do you?

Back in my early days, I used to love watching how the flexi gowns moved in SL - whereas, these days, watching a mesh gown moving will just make me cringe.  I also enjoy watching myself as I often rotate between dances trying to get my moves to match the beat of the song.  I pretty much only ever watched myself doing singles dances though because I hated how most of the couples dances just didn't line up right so the avatars were either constantly dancing into each other or they were not connected at all or they were totally out of sync with each other. 

Edited by LittleMe Jewell
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5 minutes ago, LittleMe Jewell said:

Back in my early days, I used to love watching how the flexi gowns moved in SL - whereas, these days, watching a mesh gown moving will just make me cringe.  I also enjoy watching myself as I often rotate between dances trying to get my moves to match the beat of the song.  I pretty much only ever watched myself doing singles dances though because I hated how most of the couples dances just didn't line up right so the avatars were either constantly dancing into each other or they were not connected at all or they were totally out of sync with each other. 

I totally agree with this! I love picking my dances to match the song. I hate when I go to a club and they are playing a slow song and the dance is for some fast disco type music. I mostly have my camera on myself as well.

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On 8/20/2021 at 9:07 PM, Prokofy Neva said:

I wonder if people here agree that these are the basic rules for friendship in SL. For me, they are non-negotiable.

 

we really need a better way to manage friendship list... going from  "i will ad this guy maybe some day i will need him" to basic friends, intimates, to "almost twins" . good friends don"t need rules, we know each other to well. i know a lot of people in sl, mostly in clubs/ places i go, i remember them , most of the time, but my friend list is short, i really ad only people i care. once they in, i will never remove them, even they don't log for years. just treat sl friendlist like rl , call friends only people that matter to you...

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I don't really have any rules for friendships. If your a mate and on my list then I'll let you know if I am busy or not. Everything else can sort itself out over time. Just don't be an asshat. lol All though I am down with that 10 minutes of settling in time on log in. That would be nice. lol👍😉😁😎

Edited by Velk Kerang
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On 8/21/2021 at 10:45 AM, Elysienne Nebula said:

I don't have many rules besides don't be a creep. Friendships are friendships and if someone IMs me even when I am extremely busy, it doesn't bother me. Why? Because they're a friend. As for how to become my friend, the same "don't be a creep" rule applies. I've been known to accept random requests if the requester's profile is interesting - because even if they turn out to be a creep, I can just drop them. No problem.

I love that rule. Goes right a long with my don't be an asshat rule. Friend or otherwise. lol I like where your heads at.👍😁🤣😎

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3 hours ago, Paladin Tyran said:

we really need a better way to manage friendship list... going from  "i will ad this guy maybe some day i will need him" to basic friends, intimates, to "almost twins" . good friends don"t need rules, we know each other to well. i know a lot of people in sl, mostly in clubs/ places i go, i remember them , most of the time, but my friend list is short, i really ad only people i care. once they in, i will never remove them, even they don't log for years. just treat sl friendlist like rl , call friends only people that matter to you...

Firestorm has contact sets for that. You can add people there without being friends. You can make different sets and use different colours too. Very nice if you want to seperate customers or business contacts from friends!

 

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My two biggest gripes would be the instant IM's as soon as you log on (I don't get that now anyways lol) and people tapped in the head being OTT weird/creepy.

The random TP requests doesn't phase me much. I just ignore and move on.

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On 8/22/2021 at 10:48 PM, Prokofy Neva said:

I have thousands of friendship cards, many from people who either died in RL or ceased coming to SL at all for 10 years -- I'm that old.

That's because many nervous tenants want to friend me as they think they will be unable to find me and get service unless they can see whether I am online. Some are friendly and I'm friendly to them back, but then they start in with the DJ parties and I cut their card quick -- but it seems cutting cards doesn't work as it used to, if they still have *my* card. I used to just tolerate all these "friends" -- now I tell tenants that they can find me by looking in the group or sending me an email, it's not necessary.

But I also find that if I go to a store, if I got to a gallery opening, if I go to any event, I find myself picking up "friends" -- because they want to mass spam me later. So what do you do? Accept the card and delete it later?

Yep.

I used to be an official Mentor, back when they were a thing, and it was very common for a newbie to ask to friend me, because they were afraid that they wouldn't be able to find me otherwise. I always accepted. But if they had not contacted me again, I deleted them after about a month, figuring that they either weren't logging in any more or they'd managed to deal with everything else by themselves.

I still do that, pretty much. I will accept most friends requests if we've actually chatted (and I don't think that they are a creep) but if we haven't ever talked for months after that first contact, I'll let them go.

Come to think of it, I think I added you as a friend last year when I rented from you; if I did, I must have dropped you too, once I was no longer renting there. Nothing personal, I hope you didn't mind.

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I can definitely agree with all the above. Unsolicited TP's used to get me very annoyed, and then I realized 'two can play this game'.

I make very effective large spider avatars, and if a TP offer pops up on my screen for no good reason, I simply accept the TP and the sit back and let the avatar do the rest. (also helps to avoid unwanted friending or unwanted advances :) ).

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