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Introverted Conundrum


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The longer I am on SL (and the older I get in general) the less I want to put up with certain behavior from people - but I still want to be friends with fun, creative, non judgmental people who don't take themselves too seriously.  Why do I find now that it's harder to make friends on SL the longer I've been here (and don't get me wrong, I have some AMAZING friends on SL - just scheduled change and what not).   Anyone else have this trouble - those who have been on SL for years?

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1 hour ago, Coffee Pancake said:

That pretty much sums up my Sl.

can you point it to some reason why?.. did the people change? ..the way we are inworld, less party, more fiddling on our own parcels?...

I have the same, and blame it of course partly to my ehm.. nice said "straight forward personality" ... but in the past that never prevented to find new friends.

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When i started SL i tried to fix my non ability to talk normal( i used sl to make my English better at first). I visited a very old and popular beach which was always crowded, and in few weeks i got close to 200 friends on my list with whom i talked regularly.Then in 2015 i had long break and when i got back in the end of 2015 i found out that biggest half of my list deleted their accounts,other half didn't remembered who i am. So my list got empty,but still till 2017 i believe i was getting IMs from different people and had nice talks.But still remember those times like something magical and heart warming as my start in this world

In last few years i had a great friend,with whom i had lots of things in common,we seemed kinda identical and i thought this friendship was for ages.But no,sadly it ended up as abusive friendship,but it teached me some good life lessons and gave me strength to say goodbye with best wishes,etc and move on:)

And now i visit only one beach (sometimes shopping hehe).And from time to time try to make new connections. 

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   Isn't it a bit judgemental to only want friends who are non-judgemental, though? 

   I think the entire business of social interaction online has become quite jaded over the past decade or so. But I also think that it only becomes a problem if you decide it is a problem. I've had friends who are outspoken neo-Nazis, and I've had friends who are outspoken Stalinists, the important bit was that they liked listening to angry punk music and get drunk - sometimes together, even.

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54 minutes ago, Orwar said:

 Isn't it a bit judgemental to only want friends who are non-judgemental, though? 

   I think the entire business of social interaction online has become quite jaded over the past decade or so. But I also think that it only becomes a problem if you decide it is a problem. I've had friends who are outspoken neo-Nazis, and I've had friends who are outspoken Stalinists, the important bit was that they liked listening to angry punk music and get drunk - sometimes together, even.

I could be wrong, but more than not wanting because they are this and that, what she wrote sounds like not wanting to be upset / hurt again and again (a "certain behavior" from folks taking "themselves too seriously" and thus being judgemental to you). Therefore not so much about people that judge in general, but rather being you their target.

I mean, you say you had Stalinists and Neo-Nazi friends; maybe you don't care whatever they say, drunk or not, or some joke they throw at you. But if you are seriously the target of a Neo-Nazi's toxic or abusive behavior, and they discriminate, harass and blame you just because you are you, they deny your culture or identity, at the same time they want it to sound like you are the baddie, while bragging how great they are, and telling you are trash, a petty, despicable being that shouldn't even exist in first place, and wanting you erased from existence... I'm not sure if that's the relationship everyone wants.

Letting alone Stalin, Nazi, narcissists and whatever, it's still pretty understandable wishing better interactions, than someone a bit too full of themselves, always ready to point a finger at you with an arrogant judgemental attitude.

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In my experience the people who will judge you and put you down have a habit of sticking around you because you are gracing them with your presence. They see it as an endorsement and think their behavior is being accepted. They will generally not be accommodating or  even be hostile towards any new friends you might be trying to make.

The way I have come to deal with such situations is to simply log out. They can't infer endorsement from you if you're not actually there. It forces them to look elsewhere.

Take note of the people you do enjoy talking to and make a point of reaching out to them on occasion. See if you can't find some activity or something to do together.

 

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Even the ones who seems nice and innocent, can judge you and do other *****ty things behind your back, even if you don't notice it, it does happen no matter what really. Just don't end up like me, sticking to your own home 24/7, growing unhealthy paranoid over time.

But to be real, everyone judges everyone, some more than others and in a less *****tier way than other ways, heck you might not even realize that you do.

Ignore the judgement, and just have fun, even if it won't last as long as you would want it to.

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2 hours ago, PixelBerry said:

Even the ones who seems nice and innocent, can judge you and do other *****ty things behind your back, even if you don't notice it, it does happen no matter what really. Just don't end up like me, sticking to your own home 24/7, growing unhealthy paranoid over time.

But to be real, everyone judges everyone, some more than others and in a less *****tier way than other ways, heck you might not even realize that you do.

Ignore the judgement, and just have fun, even if it won't last as long as you would want it to.

thank you!!!

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   My point was more about how friendship doesn't necessarily have to be based on a mutual agreement in terms of philosophy or ideology, and how putting up barriers against people by vaguely referring to 'judgemental people' seems counter-productive to the search of friends. As PixelBerry said, everyone makes judgements all the time, it's in our nature to do so, and - in my opinion - rejecting human nature whilst seeking human companionship strikes me as peculiar.

   TL/DR: I believe it's better to search for friends on the basis of shared interests rather than shared prejudice against people, even if it's prejudice against people wrought with prejudice. The idea that friends must always be in agreement with each other to reaffirm each other's beliefs seems outright unhealthy. 

   I'm an antitheistic satanist, yet my best friend is a protestant-gone-catholic (and being a catholic in modern Sweden isn't something you do passively). I've got friends on pretty much all parts of the political spectrum, on most parts of the sexual spectrum, and I've even befriended a fair few vegans in spite of my conviction that we really ought to reconsider whether we should allow such people to vote or otherwise participate in society* (won't someone think of the children?!), etc - and yet I'm frequently accused of being judgemental by people who obviously haven't taken to heart the whole thing about not tossing beavers in log cabins. 

   *Sarcasm. Kind of.

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Well about friends... I agree it was easier to make friends here when I just started in SL. I was eager to get to know a lot of people. And I found out residents here were very helpfull and kind (I quickly learned to avoid the mean ones, you also have in RL 😉 ). But some time later being in SL became like... well, not 'normal'  but I was being more myself. And now I am a very social person who love to contact other residents, but I am also in RL not someone who quickly call someone a friend, I mean, a real friend. Not to offend anyone, but that's the way I am and I'm at peace with that. And now also in SL. So for me personally, it's just a matter of me becoming more selective in choosing who can be my friend , and not because SL has suddenly changed so much now.  I've become more myself.

 

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17 hours ago, Alwin Alcott said:

can you point it to some reason why?.. did the people change? ..the way we are inworld, less party, more fiddling on our own parcels?...

I have the same, and blame it of course partly to my ehm.. nice said "straight forward personality" ... but in the past that never prevented to find new friends.

There was a notable change in how people chatted in SL with the arrival of voice, a lot of the more chatty people who previously might have been carrying a conversation in local all went silent and seemed to find other places. It was about this time that the myth of "everyone's actually chatting in IM" started.

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I agree. The arrival of voice damaged the culture of local chat a lot and that changed peoples behavior in public places like beaches, clubs, bars and stores.
SL became a more silent place due to voice and making new friends became harder.
My list of still active friends gets shorter and shorter.
I don't bother about public places any longer, so I guess the friends list is not likely to grow again any time soon.

Edited by Sid Nagy
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I know this feeling tho, I am almost 15 years in SL and now have a friend list so tiny...11 people! 7 of those are RL family and RL friends, the rest are for blogging purposes/and or store related! And even if I add someone these days, they never last long, I felt really bad for deleting people in my earlier days but now not anymore, when you do not talk to me or I do not feel the need to talk to you in a week, its enough for us to have eachothers calling card, no need for friend list x3 except RL friends or family of course they will never get deleted x3

Edited by Gwin LeShelle
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3 hours ago, Gwin LeShelle said:

I know this feeling tho, I am almost 15 years in SL and now have a friend list so tiny...11 people!

Mine was really sad place,  15 people,where was 3 friends and the rest is the alts of one of friends lol 

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I'm an introvert in RL & SL. I spend most of my SL time collecting freebies, trying on clothes & sorting inventory. And yet I still make friends in SL. How? By responding to people who ask for help in my groups. SL Frees and Offers is an especially chatty and friendly group if you want to meet new people. Somebody might be looking for where to get a free or cheap mesh body. I'll give them advice & LMs for bodies, hair, clothes & etc. If that person wants to friend me, that can lead to an actual friendship. I don't even have to leave my sky platform if I don't want to. Just chat back and forth while I'm still trying on clothes & sorting inventory.

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19 minutes ago, Persephone Emerald said:

I'm an introvert in RL & SL.

Just chat back and forth while I'm still trying on clothes & sorting inventory.

Same.

I must spend 1/3rd of my time here doing just that as well. Will we ever get our inventory sorted perfectly? :)

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I have a lady friend with a similar problem. She's always saying she wants more girl friends, but then she rarely gets in and spends time doing stuff that can be done as a group. Only really ever comes in on weekends for sales, or sometimes to see what projects I'm working on.

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I noticed that is easier to make friends if you're a new resident. May be looks approachable, I don't know. I used to talk to people a lot, but lately I talk to my friends and don't bother to make new friends. I do consider it as a problem, because I need some girlfriend to share interests and most of my friends are guys. When I go to clubs I dance alone, because I see others to be in groups and they don't seem very friendly and don't pay attention to people they don't know. 

Edited by HelenaNavy92
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On 7/16/2021 at 11:30 PM, belladonna Wexhome said:

The longer I am on SL (and the older I get in general) the less I want to put up with certain behavior from people - but I still want to be friends with fun, creative, non judgmental people who don't take themselves too seriously.  Why do I find now that it's harder to make friends on SL the longer I've been here (and don't get me wrong, I have some AMAZING friends on SL - just scheduled change and what not).   Anyone else have this trouble - those who have been on SL for years?

I think when you start SL you're fresh and you want to do all the things and meet people. There's so many things to see and do, so many people to talk to. Over time though, you start to notice patterns. When you're open to people, you also invite people that aren't really your friend (for lack of a better word) in, or to put it another way, people that don't really care about you and in some cases will try to take advantage of you find you.

I don't want to sound jaded, I tend to think of myself as realistic. The bottom line is you start to notice things people do, things that are reoccurring and you'll tend to put your guard up when you see people saying and doing certain things.

I think it's normal and a perfectly human thing to do when dealing with other people. It's like when you're a kid, every other kid you meet is your friend. Over time, you realize, no....every kid isn't your friend. Same thing applies in Second Life.

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On 7/17/2021 at 5:03 PM, Coffee Pancake said:

There was a notable change in how people chatted in SL with the arrival of voice, a lot of the more chatty people who previously might have been carrying a conversation in local all went silent and seemed to find other places. It was about this time that the myth of "everyone's actually chatting in IM" started.

People had pretty much stopped using local before voice ever hit the grid in my experience.

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13 hours ago, Paul Hexem said:

I have a lady friend with a similar problem. She's always saying she wants more girl friends, but then she rarely gets in and spends time doing stuff that can be done as a group. Only really ever comes in on weekends for sales, or sometimes to see what projects I'm working on.

I'd be happy if I had just one. RL and/or SL. It's been 35 years. OTOH, it's been nice not being stabbed in the back by friends and family. Just too damned lonesome.

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On 7/19/2021 at 4:51 PM, Silent Mistwalker said:

OTOH

   I had to google that one.

   Idk wdym lmao.

   .. Goes to scrub his mouth with a bar of soap.

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27 minutes ago, Orwar said:

   I had to google that one.

   Idk wdym lmao.

   .. Goes to scrub his mouth with a bar of soap.

I know what idk means. *grumbles as she googles wdym*

Oh! IC. Would you like a demonstration? 🤭

13.gif

 

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