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Using Second Life the "wrong" way - the barrier between first and second life.


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On 7/8/2021 at 9:38 AM, Sapphire Dakota said:

As others have pointed out, there really is no right way to use SL. And as Miranda just above asked, what level of RL detail are you seeking from people. Some of us have had very bad experiences when we naively gave out too much RL info.

I've been off and on 11 years and had to abandon SL (and Instagram and FB) 3+ years ago for a few years because a SL stalker found the real me and then harassed/stalked me in RL by giving out intimate and graphic details about my SL kinks (some of which are very taboo) and occupation here (escort/stripper) to my RL family, potential employers, and friends. And people still ask me why I don't share RL info, voice or cam now? Wow. 

So, for me, I'm scared to share much. I tell people my RL age and sex (30F) and what country I live in and time zone, but that's it. I started sharing a bit more recently and got scared again so have retreated and am trying to stick to a SL/RL separate policy. Now, that does not mean my RL feeling and emotions aren't infused in my interactions with people in SL, but expecting me to share my life details with strangers online is the first rule of getting emotionally hurt or worse. I behave in SL like I do in RL. I'm polite, quiet, honest, a bit flirty, university Masters-level educated, and a pretty chill girl to hang with. So while SL/RL are separate, this is still me in SL. The only change is how amped up some of my kinks are in SL that I can explore safely. So for me, given my past errors of judgement here, that does mean keeping a barrier up about significant and/or identifying details.

I think many people who say SL is SL, and RL is RL are being a bit disingenuous, because your RL personality usually seeps through in how you behave, unless you are purely here in SL to RP a character. Not sure what else to add.

Oh, what Bili said. Maybe talk to people who you are different from. Everyone is different in RL, same goes for SL. You might find more in common than you think.

:)

PS. And to the guys who need to "verify" a girl who won't voice or cam? We actually don't want to hang out with guys who are that insecure anyway.

I was going to write a long winded response of my own, but I'd just be echoing @Sapphire Dakota, so I'll be lazy and copy pasta. Because she nailed my sentiments exactly. Bolded and underlined because truth. 

18 hours ago, Sapphire Dakota said:

OMG, and I'm sorry of this comes off snarky, but you can't think of a single thing? Are you that naive?... *snip*

*hugs*

 

15 hours ago, wesleytron said:

I see. I figure those opinions must include more than you like pineapple on pizza and they don't.

Pineapple on pizza? You savage! 

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20 hours ago, AlexJade64 said:

Yes, real life. Ostracized for who I am, because I have some unpopular opinions.

i guess you are using  Real Life the "wrong" way then .....

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On 7/8/2021 at 6:10 AM, AlexJade64 said:

No. But I still want to know. I want to know more things about them. I want to know whats going on in their first life too.

You know Alex in SL you can never ever be really sure who it is you are talking to, and I ended up with stalkers in SL a few years ago, trying hard to nail down where I live and work with aggressive questions. I have been away for the last two years because of others quite aggressively trying to pry into my RL and that's never okay for me after what I've been through.

I file such people under stalkers, and make no mistake they are out there in SL. You could end up with them at your door if you are not careful. I had people in SL even using alts to try and get my RL information out of me, and what did they want it for? Nothing good you may be sure! You can get hurt in SL if you are not careful.

It is estimated that about 4% of the population are psychopaths, and SL is a rich hunting ground for them given the many opportunities it provides for deceit and manipulation. I've known a couple and trust me they can destroy your life and enjoy doing it. One malevolent person can come at you as many here and they do. They could be anyone you talk to or several people you talk to. You just cannot know. So bear this in mind while in SL, people have a right to their privacy and their relative security.

Even in RL trust must be earned over time, and like it or not social trust in society at large has pretty much evaporated since the early 90's. People have a harder time trusting others these days, for many good reasons. If that's too much of a problem for you then perhaps SL is just not for you. I wish you the best in any case.

Edited by AnnHerrick
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7 hours ago, AnnHerrick said:

It is estimated that about 4% of the population are psychopaths,

by who? Looks a bit high in my experience ... i'd sometimes say its 96% psycho''s and 4 normals as me  :) 
No, but serious... not every "victim" we see themself express on this forum is really a victim, there are so many reasons why some people get in trouble with others we don't hear here. And i think the person who opened this thread is a victim of their own expectations and requirements.

Like you say, people phishing for rl info... easy, don't give it and mute them. Don't put things in your profile, use a healthy paranoia for new persons you meet and are pushy... is it normal curiousity or really bad intent?
You also say there's good reason to not trust people .. is that so?.. or are we a bit overreacting because of a few bad encounters?
For example.. griefers in SL .. are there really so many?... as far i experience it's mainly by hear-say, not personal experience. It is many many years ago i seen a case of nasty replicators and a particle attack.. or graphic crashers.

 

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I rarely interact with people in RL.  I rarely interact with people in SL.  And now I rarely interact with people on these boards, cos when I do I'm accused of being part of some nefarious board clique out to bully others by the biggest board bully there is.

From the skimming of posts I have done, I have to agree with the ones that say that if you aren't willing to be flexible in your expectations, maybe leaving is the best option.

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20 minutes ago, Jordan Whitt said:

I rarely interact with people in RL.  I rarely interact with people in SL.  And now I rarely interact with people on these boards, cos when I do I'm accused of being part of some nefarious board clique out to bully others by the biggest board bully there is.

From the skimming of posts I have done, I have to agree with the ones that say that if you aren't willing to be flexible in your expectations, maybe leaving is the best option.

BTW, the Nefarious Board C!ique picnic is Saturday.  Details later in the week.  Hope to see you there!

P.S.  Bring a dish to share.

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1 minute ago, Rowan Amore said:

BTW, the Nefarious Board C!ique picnic is Saturday.  Details later in the week.  Hope to see you there!

P.S.  Bring a dish to share.

But no potato salad, please, I beg you.

(Me? Bringing brownies.)

Edited by Katherine Heartsong
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1 hour ago, Rowan Amore said:

BTW, the Nefarious Board C!ique picnic is Saturday.  Details later in the week.  Hope to see you there!

P.S.  Bring a dish to share.

I'll be there with bells on!  It's how you will recognise me!

1 hour ago, Katherine Heartsong said:

But no potato salad, please, I beg you.

(Me? Bringing brownies.)

But potato salad is LIFE!!!!

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On 7/10/2021 at 7:02 AM, Ellie4024 said:

Pineapple on pizza? You savage! 

 

4 hours ago, Caroline Takeda said:

Never let anyone know about this one!

Hey! I never said it was MY unpopular opinion! I just wondered if it was the OP's.

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You claim that you are let's put it nicely socially awkward in RL, but expect everyone in SL to be all open from the start? To a stranger that they can not even see the face of? (Yes that's a big difference to RL because humans read a lot in a face knowingly and unknowingly)

I would think that someone who knows how hard it can be to talk to people would be more understanding of people that are not baring it all right from the start. Sounds more like one of the guys that is a little frustrated that it's harder than he thought to find an SL girlfriend xP 

And these are the guys many girls of us in SL have learned to ignore, for really good reasons, some reasons were mentioned in here already. So maybe just do not try that hard and you won't come off the wrong way.

Also I looove 🍍 on 🍕 with capers on top 🤤

 

 

 

Edited by Gwin LeShelle
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On 7/13/2021 at 1:06 PM, Gwin LeShelle said:

And these are the guys many girls of us in SL have learned to ignore, for really good reasons

Most likely the same ones you avoid in RL as well. 

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To be fair, many people don't even mix SL and SL 🙃

Among them, even those who are themselves always, they still keep their alts and their second lives separated. They have a main avatar to hang out with their regular friends, then various private alts to do other, private, things. These range from just wanting to be left alone to script or to relax (aah... no IMs), to explore their kinks (not everyone is horny 24/7 and it is their own business)... and someone even use an alt to post on this forum. I prefer to use the same avatar for everything I do, but I understand that.

In real life, too, people tend to keep parts of their life private and separated from other parts, even if they do nothing illicit. You can be more or less private, but privacy boundaries still do exists.

Honestly, it isn't so safe to share all your personal sensitive info to random strangers in real life too.

On 7/8/2021 at 6:44 AM, AlexJade64 said:

A lot of people are roleplaying or acting different

Yeah, and someone makes dozens of alts, one for each character they play. But don't give that for granted: even in roleplay regions there are roleplayers that are essentially themselves - you imagine yourself in that situation / scene, rather than being a puppeteer for a roleplay character; some people who do this kind of immersive roleplay are still excellent roleplayers, moreover they can be more interesting, engaging, spontaneous and alive than just made-up characters (something similar is used in psychology too and can be used to explore yourself) - and they can end up to be actually good friends OOC outside the RP places.

 

Quote

Second Life serves as a world you can escape to, where you can be anything, let your fantasy run wild. Thats why its called Second Life after all, right? Well, thats thats the thing - I never had any interest in that.

[...] I have very bad physical health, and even worse mental health, enough for me to be classified as disabled. Its very limiting - so limiting in fact that I pretty much can not do anythin in real life. I just work, buy some groceries on the way home, and thats about it. I can not handle being anywhere. I can not handle talking to people at all. [...]

I thought I would be able to use it as a replacement for my 1st life.

Yup... you too are escaping. Like many other people do in SL, in various different ways. You want a different (imaginary) world and second life that could replace your first life. Let's be honest and face it: if someone really just wants to socialize and to chat about real life topics and to know info about real life people, she/he would rather be in some Facebook group now, not a virtual world populated by anonymous people. And talking about fantasy and to be anything, you also have a furry-ish avatar among your alts, the very one you are using to post here. So ask yourself what honestly you are looking for.

You are also interested in virtual sailing, I can see from your groups. Beautiful I love that too.

So, yes, you can escape in this virtual world and you can do all the things you can't do in real life, without the limits and the unpleasant RL things. In SL there are also people so disabled that can't work at all. And yet in SL you can chat with people from all over the world, and go anywhere with them, from the virtual beaches up atop the virtual Mt. Everest (seriously, there is that too in SL). So: is their "fantasy running wild" as they are escaping to a fantasy world, they can have any body and don't need a wheelchair unlike in RL, roleplaying and "acting differently"? I don't think so, and I guess you neither. But it isn't real life, they are escaping here, they are themselves, though, doing what they couldn't do in the "1st life".

You can have your own yacht and virtual sailing or regattas, even if in RL you don't even live at sea, nor you can't afford anything bigger than a rubber dinghy. Or if you are an old lonely person, in SL you feel better, clubbing around and with no white hair anymore (or maybe you love your white hair, you are still a wonderful person). Or if you are a trans woman, you can be as you always wished, freely living as the woman you are, until you have "F" in your real life ID card as well and then forever. I know someone who created her own dance club, despite her RL difficulties; she is really talented and it was her dream. And me too, I can dance in the sky with an airplane or (with Drivers of SL) travel with my friends on their car, when the pandemic kept me at home; to me is so immersive, I feel like being here with them, we are us... although we aren't delusional and we are aware that we are looking at a screen displaying an imaginary virtual world... and that it can't really be a real life replacement.

Or in SL you can be super pretty and take virtual selfies: it doesn't mean they are all fake and vain people, maybe visualizing themselves pretty is another thing that helps them with their insecurities, anxiety and mental health - and me I don't even have one as a profile picture: maybe you would think dunno what, I'm a super ace? Sure, I don't even like to compete, LOL. I want to look cool? LOL I barely look at all, you can just see my hands. I'm flying away? Nah, I'm still crashing around here. No, it's one of the things I love and I try to share, with the same sense of wonder and admiration that I still have for SL; you can even fly planes in SL in this beautiful blue sky and some people create so detailed things; and I'm not taking a picture of a virtual doll, that's me there inside this world. -  In short, it's too easy to generalize and jumping to conclusions: everyone has their different motives and psychology. There is an huge variety among people and that's beautiful. Same with being private: it doesn't mean they are all just roleplaying, there are several different reasons to be private.

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First realize how great it is that you could connect to people here in a way you could not in RL. And as someone allready stated here, and I completely agree, it is not true you are using SL in the wrong way. You were 'using' SL in YOUR way. That can't be wrong. Wrong is when you would intentionally insult, mislead, attack residents and that is not the case it seems to me ;-). I found out here that the way residents would like to share things from their RL differs a lot. You are right there are many who see SL as a separate world in which their first life must not interfere. But there are also residents for whom sharing their first life is no problem at all. I think these two worlds are connected anyway. Find people who you feel you can trust. And with sharing this you have done a very brave thing. Respect from the bottom of my heart.

Edited by archangel969
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I have been on SL since 2009.  When I first joined (also for a lot of the same reasons the OP did) I had NO idea what SL really was. I just know that I saw a rerun of the Office and I was like --- oh yeah, I wanna try that.  I thought SL was a place where you created a secondlife for yourself -- literally.  That you could make up an entire persona -- I was going to be a witty British girl named Belladonna (I had no idea SL had voice at the time - I thought it was going to be all text based - and I suppose, it could have been if I had chosen it).  But then I met people in SL and I found out I didn't want to be this character in my head - and throughout my time in SL i have learned to be more MYSELF -- and brought things I have learned from SL that I bring to RL.  I am not married, I don't have kids and I am currently not working in RL - so, to those I speak to, I am an open book.   I don't give up my street address or social - but I'll reveal personal details about myself as the conversation and the relationship grow - naturally.  

But - I also do this with the knowledge that the person I am telling may not feel the same way about me in regards to personal details.  And you have to be ok with that in SL.  I have great friends who i don't know anything about in RL except maybe timezone and location; I have other people - like my SL Sisters, who have my real life name, contact number address and I'm even going to be maid of honor in one of my SL sisters real life wedding next year.  -- It all depends.  (I do expect slightly more RL information if i am in  a romantic relationship - if they are not willing to do that, then they are not a person for me in a ROMANTIC sense)

Some people do come here to escape - some people come hear because they have no ability (be it physical or mental) to socialize in RL. Some do come here to just be someone else, to be a character - there's no problem with that as long as it's roleplay. the issue (those of us in SL know too well) is when they do it not in RP and fool and hurt people.  But that's a chance you take in SL --- just like you do in RL.  

I always say I have two lives but one heart and one mind - Most people are who they are in rl and sl - some aspects of their personality may be able to come out more here, but I have run into more good than bad.  Just respect other people's wishes on how THEY want to live their SL.

Edited by belladonna Wexhome
I was slightly baked and forgot the difference between to and two.
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If you are not getting the experience you want from SL,

1. Figure out what SL activities will more likely suit your needs & try to do those.

2. Post on your Profile what you want from SL.

3. Join groups that fit your interests & have more than 500 people in them (so they're more likely to be active), then chat in those groups to find like-minded users.

Survivors of Suicide is a good mental health peer-support group in which people talk about their RL issues. This might be a good group for you to meet other who want to talk about their real lives. On the other hand, it can sometimes get to be too much when one wants to get away from RL problems & just have some fun, in which case you can always close the group & go on living your SL as you wish.

Edited by Persephone Emerald
to add info.
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On 7/13/2021 at 12:06 PM, Gwin LeShelle said:

Also I looove 🍍 on 🍕 with capers on top 

 

 

 

It's okay Gwin, you're still loved, even if you're a refined savage. (+points on the capers) ♥ 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going to veer off and suggest something different, @AlexJade64. In your first post you mentioned that you have disabilities that keep you from having the RL you want.

There is a Second Life group called Virtual Ability. It exists to help people with disabilities in, and through, Second Life. You might consider joining the group. You may find others there who are faced with issues similar to yours.

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On 7/29/2021 at 5:32 PM, Lindal Kidd said:

I'm going to veer off and suggest something different, @AlexJade64. In your first post you mentioned that you have disabilities that keep you from having the RL you want.

There is a Second Life group called Virtual Ability. It exists to help people with disabilities in, and through, Second Life. You might consider joining the group. You may find others there who are faced with issues similar to yours.

I think this is a very good suggestion. I'ma also add on to this. Mr. @AlexJade64 I could be wrong, but from what I can tell it feels like to me you might be over thinking it just a little bit to much. I get it. I been there and done that too. For me it was more an irritation that people would ask me stuff, but when I returned the same questions they'd act like it was all G14 classified information or like I'm just gonna all of a sudden show up at their door step and lick the windows or some weird crap like that. lol Not gonna lie that tends to make a person feel some kinda way and it really does put a bad taste in your mouth. So I totally get it.👍

Now having said that here is what I learned to do eventually. I mentally file it under P. P as in I don't give a poop. lol And depending on how funky someone acts over it I tend to file it fairly fast. lol I had an SL sister on her once who I had known for ages. She helped me hone in my filing skills real well in fact. lol She'd wanna know everything, but didn't want to be as open herself. So I got to the point where I became more of the listener and when she tried to ask me stuff about my rl I'd intentionally deflect. Fair is fair after all. 👍

My point is this. Keep all your relationships on equal footing and don't sweat it so much mate. As they say treat others how you'd like to be treated, but also remember if they aren't meeting you half way then let them take the bus from now on. Just file it under P mate. Trust me you'll feel much better my friend. lol👍😎

Edited by Velk Kerang
Corrections.
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On 7/8/2021 at 7:03 AM, AlexJade64 said:

But most people explicitly say that SL is SL and RL is RL, that they are separated for them. When someone views it like that, there is no point even talking to them - it wont lead anywhere.

What exactly do you want it lead to?

I have friends on all sides of the life spectrum. We don't agree on every issue.  My WIFE and I don't agree on every issue.  Some people I know some aspects of their RL, but it was never asked for, because I respect their privacy, as they do mine.  

Very few people (avas) know my RL life.  I don't tell people where I live, other than generally (a state, a region). Most close friends know I am a musician and a teacher. Beyond that, I reveal very little. 

It does not keep me from enjoying my friends company because I don't know details of their RL.  It simply doesn't matter to  me. My relationships to Avas in SL depend on how we get along. 

 

Again I ask. What exactly do you want? I understand your physical and mental issues.  I have a friend in SL who has similar issues. She uses SL as her saftely net. Why would you insist on bringing said issues to SL. Isn't that the opposite of what you would want to do?      

Edited by Doris Johnsky
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1 hour ago, Doris Johnsky said:

What exactly do you want it lead to?

I have friends on all sides of the life spectrum. We don't agree on every issue.  My WIFE and I don't agree on every issue.  Some people I know some aspects of their RL, but it was never asked for, because I respect their privacy, as they do mine.  

Very few people (avas) know my RL life.  I don't tell people where I live, other than generally (a state, a region). Most close friends know I am a musician and a teacher. Beyond that, I reveal very little. 

It does not keep me from enjoying my friends company because I don't know details of their RL.  It simply doesn't matter to  me. My relationships to Avas in SL depend on how we get along. 

 

Again I ask. What exactly do you want? I understand your physical and mental issues.  I have a friend in SL who has similar issues. She uses SL as her saftely net. Why would you insist on bringing said issues to SL. Isn't that the opposite of what you would want to do?      

I think you almost nailed the OPs issue when interacting with other residents.

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