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Using Second Life the "wrong" way - the barrier between first and second life.


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52 minutes ago, Sapphire Dakota said:

As others have pointed out, there really is no right way to use SL. And as Miranda just above asked, what level of RL detail are you seeking from people. Some of us have had very bad experiences when we naively gave out too much RL info.

I've been off and on 11 years and had to abandon SL (and Instagram and FB) 3+ years ago for a few years because a SL stalker found the real me and then harassed/stalked me in RL by giving out intimate and graphic details about my SL kinks (some of which are very taboo) and occupation here (escort/stripper) to my RL family, potential employers, and friends. And people still ask me why I don't share RL info, voice or cam now? Wow. 

So, for me, I'm scared to share much. I tell people my RL age and sex (30F) and what country I live in and time zone, but that's it. I started sharing a bit more recently and got scared again so have retreated and am trying to stick to a SL/RL separate policy. Now, that does not mean my RL feeling and emotions aren't infused in my interactions with people in SL, but expecting me to share my life details with strangers online is the first rule of getting emotionally hurt or worse. I behave in SL like I do in RL. I'm polite, quiet, honest, a bit flirty, university Masters-level educated, and a pretty chill girl to hang with. So while SL/RL are separate, this is still me in SL. The only change is how amped up some of my kinks are in SL that I can explore safely. So for me, given my past errors of judgement here, that does mean keeping a barrier up about significant and/or identifying details.

I think many people who say SL is SL, and RL is RL are being a bit disingenuous, because your RL personality usually seeps through in how you behave, unless you are purely here in SL to RP a character. Not sure what else to add.

Oh, what Bili said. Maybe talk to people who you are different from. Everyone is different in RL, same goes for SL. You might find more in common than you think.

:)

PS. And to the guys who need to "verify" a girl who won't voice or cam? We actually don't want to hang out with guys who are that insecure anyway.

But how is that different to being open to someone in real life? People you meet in real life and open up to can stalk you too, or do something bad. So why just be wary online?

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13 minutes ago, AlexJade64 said:

If I get rid of those expectations, then what I will be getting is not what I am looking for.

Not nessesarily, sometimes when you let go, you get just what you wanted, it happened to me here.

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35 minutes ago, Maitimo said:

You're not wrong, but you're not right either.

There are a LOT of people in SL who view their SL avatar as very much themselves, they are not roleplaying or escaping, they are using SL in exactly the same way you do. In fact I believe that category is actually larger now than the category of people who use it as roleplay/escape. (That wasn't the case in the early years).

Others, like myself, are somewhere inbetween.

A big part of the reason why people are slow to open up about RL is that they don't want to get into a RL romantic or sexual relationship.  It's offputting and makes people suspect an ulterior motive when the first thing someone wants to know about you is your RL gender and age. So you may have run up against some of that.

I strongly recommend you pay a visit to Virtual Ability; it is a community set up to support people in SL who live with disabilities of all kinds. They are a wonderful and friendly group. I made several friends there. If you reach out to them they can point you towards some social or support groups that suit your needs. They are all "RL people" (even the ones who have dragons or squirrels as their avatar).

Don't give up just yet.

 

Thank you, I will check that out.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, AlexJade64 said:

So why just be wary online?

Because the type of things someone might be happy to share and indulge in openly within an online environment might not be the type of things they would want to share with their family, friends and work colleagues - so they definitely don't want to risk somebody else sharing it on their behalf.

Edited by wesleytron
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57 minutes ago, wesleytron said:

Because the type of things someone might be happy to share and indulge in openly within an online environment might not be the type of things they would want to share with their family, friends and work colleagues - so they definitely don't want to risk somebody else sharing it on their behalf.

For example? I can not think of a single thing.

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13 minutes ago, AlexJade64 said:

For example? I can not think of a single thing.

Sex things mostly. Or hypothetically, illegal things you've done/ might want to do.

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@AlexJade64 I am very much the kind of person who is just the same in SL as I am in RL, and I am happy to share almost anything about my RL that doesn't (a) put me at risk of identity theft or (b) compromise the privacy of my family. I even have a RL photo of myself on the 1st life part of my profile (go look, it's funny). On the other hand I don't need to know about other people's RL, and I don't ask. But I do appreciate it when it's offered. What I like to know about people is not so much what/who they are, but what they like and what they don't like.

However, I also have a number of alts, and two of them are girls.  When I'm out on my girl alts I don't share anything about my RL. And that's a safety thing, because in my experience, 100% of the people who have ever asked about my RL when I'm on a girl alt are straight guys (or lesbian women) looking for sex. Not some of them. Not even most of them. But every single one of them.  I know this because as soon as I tell them I am male in RL they won't even speak to me again. So, people asking my girls about RL is a cast iron guarantee that they do not want "friendship", so I have no intention of sharing with them.

Even so, despite my reluctance to share RL information when I'm on my girl alts, they are still very much me, even though they look nothing like me (then again, my main male alt doesn't look anything like me either). Their personality, opinions, interests and activities are still mine.

So that's one huge reason why some people may be reluctant to share RL information with you - it's a big red flag that makes them think that friendship is not the reason for the interest. I'm not saying that you're not looking for genuine friendship; from what you've said here  I totally trust that you are. But most people who are looking for genuine friendships generally don't ask others about their RL, so when you do ask about it, it scares them.

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10 minutes ago, Quistess Alpha said:

Sex things mostly. Or hypothetically, illegal things you've done/ might want to do.

But why would you try to hide that? o.o If you have a genuine relationships with some people, there is no reason to hide anything.

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, AlexJade64 said:

But why would you try to hide that? o.o If you have a genuine relationships with some people, there is no reason to hide anything.

Safety.

What if the other person has lied to you and they are really a cop. Now you've told them you've committed a crime and the next thing you know is your local constabulary is knocking on your door.

Or suppose you've told someone where you work, and also told them about your really freaky sexual kinks. Now they can blackmail you. "Give me L$1,000,000 or I'll tell your boss".

Edited by Lewis Luminos
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10 hours ago, AlexJade64 said:

No. But I still want to know. I want to know more things about them. I want to know whats going on in their first life too.

I know plenty of people in SL who share things about their first life with me, and I share stuff about my first life with them too. The thing is, we might not do this upon first meeting. Like you, I tend to look for friends who are willing to do this, so I can only suggest that you read profiles, and if they say things like "SL is SL, RL is RL", you don't spend too much time trying to spark up a friendship with those people. A lot of people, including me, have had bad experiences in SL which make them hesitant to share real life information with other people to begin with and it takes time to develop friendships.

As an example of what can go wrong when you share real life info, I started a friendship with someone at a venue I was attending, shared some things, then had a falling out, and that person then posted all our chat logs into general chat. It hasn't put me off sharing with friends, but it has made me more careful. Only share what you are willing to have publicly known until you trust that person.

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28 minutes ago, AlexJade64 said:

But why would you try to hide that? o.o If you have a genuine relationships with some people, there is no reason to hide anything.

I think maybe you're misunderstanding the context. We're talking about not wanting the people we know in REAL LIFE finding out about things we may do or the ways we may choose express ourselves in Second Life. It's our secret, to be shared only with those ALSO in SL we choose to share them with. But if we start sharing our RL information with those in-world 'friends', then there is a risk that THEY might then use that to share what they know about us with the people we know in real life. Which is the point I think @Sapphire Dakota was originally making.

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Alex, I'm curious and a little surprised that your avatar is a furry *I think though admittedly I know nothing about that but It looks like it*  BUT you are passionate about this being exactly like RL.  You are trying to control the way people interact with you and it seems like you have no middle ground. It's either/or.  That is enough to turn a lot of people off.  Friendships take time and the evolve over time. If you've known people for years and they haven't opened up I would say they probably never will and that is how they choose to play their SL.  It might be you, it might be them or a combination.  Try venturing out into other areas of SL.  I don't subscribe to the RL is RL and SL is SL but I also don't jump in and share everything about myself right away. Someone might get snippets here and there. Have conversations and bring up topics to discuss. You might find that they are sharing more of themselves than you know even if you don't know what state they are from.

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Something to consider is what makes someone your friend. For me, it's that we chat, share experiences and so on. A lot of friends are people I just kept running into at the same events. Friendship is not knowing their legal name, their home address and what they look like. I know roughly where most of my friends here live, because people talk about their town and country, but I don't need to know the details for them to be friends.

I don't hide who I am outside of Second Life, but most people really aren't that interested in knowing stuff like my real last name. It's trivia. It doesn't make me a different person. It sounds like you're not seeing it this way though. You're assuming people are totally different, when you have no proof of that and most people really aren't that good at acting. People do behave differently in different social situations, but they can't really hide their core personality.

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This isn't really the topic for it, but it's related to the question "Are you your avatar"? Or are you just the avatar's puppet master?  Which leads to issues about immersion.

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Despite what people claim they are in SL for, their opening up to you will usually depend on your degree of openness.  I've had people tell me all about their lives right after claiming they keep a tight lip and after directing me to their profile which stated they keep SL/RL separate.  That is confusing, but also understandable as we react new and different with each social equation.  If you both click and are on the same wavelength, chances are you will both feel like sharing more with each other.  Maybe with the next person, you or they won't feel that connection and might choose not to share that RL info just because.  

I hope you do find some more likeminded people, though.  It does get frustrating trying to friend RPers, one after the next, who don't seem to want to let go of the façade - that's their choice and fine, but nonetheless frustrating if you are lonely for friendship.  You will find some like minds before long.  Just find someone on your wave length.  Cheers. 

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Posted (edited)

Everyone has story why they are here but to open that book yes it takes bit of trust and exchange of energy with feelings.  Don' have to focus on trying to find people let it find it for you flow with life be with peace with yourself and things. Take breaks if you must and come back when you are ready.

 

Not looking for anything in particular embracing the adventure good clean fun.  I don't really role play I just get in to character. I beta test and do little decoration help people when I can.     ‘Extroverted’ introverted  beings  are old souls as like Demisexual  need as feeling before anything many people may not get you  but some do understand ether to be genuine  friendship or more but its truly takes someone special to wake it up its rare for good friendship and partner.  Good genuine connection I know everyone wants but truly start with you everything will fall in place.

Our souls do not speak a human language they communicate to us through symbols , metaphors , visions , poetry , deep feeling , and everyday magic.

Life is all about balance , Balance is not something you find ,It's something you create. Balance is the key to everything. What we do think say , Meeting them all requires awareness and through this awareness we can grow.

kindared.thumb.png.d3eef971126c85d2839ab2dc9f2ab4f4.png

 

 

demisexaul123.png.d5e593bbb604c61fc2d65e13567ef6c4.pngI made these but it can be meant for friendship or love ether way. Not for me to say what you are but you will find your own way.But never give up your passion in life. Best of luck in your journey.

Edited by Emz Evergarden
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6 hours ago, wesleytron said:

I think maybe you're misunderstanding the context. We're talking about not wanting the people we know in REAL LIFE finding out about things we may do or the ways we may choose express ourselves in Second Life. It's our secret, to be shared only with those ALSO in SL we choose to share them with. But if we start sharing our RL information with those in-world 'friends', then there is a risk that THEY might then use that to share what they know about us with the people we know in real life. Which is the point I think @Sapphire Dakota was originally making.

I did understand. I just do not see a problem with it.

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6 hours ago, Sam1 Bellisserian said:

Alex, I'm curious and a little surprised that your avatar is a furry *I think though admittedly I know nothing about that but It looks like it*  BUT you are passionate about this being exactly like RL.  You are trying to control the way people interact with you and it seems like you have no middle ground. It's either/or.  That is enough to turn a lot of people off.  Friendships take time and the evolve over time. If you've known people for years and they haven't opened up I would say they probably never will and that is how they choose to play their SL.  It might be you, it might be them or a combination.  Try venturing out into other areas of SL.  I don't subscribe to the RL is RL and SL is SL but I also don't jump in and share everything about myself right away. Someone might get snippets here and there. Have conversations and bring up topics to discuss. You might find that they are sharing more of themselves than you know even if you don't know what state they are from.

I have several avies of different kinds.

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3 minutes ago, AlexJade64 said:

I did understand. I just do not see a problem with it.

I see this thread going round and round because you just are not receptive to what people are saying or any advice given. You have you mind set and not sure what you are looking for here.

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If I chose to divulge my RL to you or anyone else, that's my prerogative! If you are coming on SL with the requirement that people divulge personal RL information, you are going to be very hard pressed to make any friends on SL. People will divulge what they are comfortable divulging and requiring them to do so for the sake of friendships on SL is just going to backfire on you.

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Sam is right. You seem completely set in your ways, unwilling to change, unwilling to take advice, unable to see why other people may not want to be the same kind of person as you. Even when people like Sapphire and Quistess and Lewis and Stephanie gave good reasons why people do not share, you just don't believe that those reasons are valid.

On 7/8/2021 at 5:44 AM, AlexJade64 said:

I am debating whether I should quit SL -

Honestly, after reading what you've said here, after my last post, yes, I think you probably should. It does not look like Second Life is a good fit for the kind of friends you are trying to make.  I think you'll be better off joining other online communities like forums, discord groups, Facebook etc, which are specific to your interests and circumstances, and where people don't have avatars but are solely their real selves.

I very much doubt that the kind of friends that would suit you even exist in SL in any great numbers. Second Life itself tends to be the kind of thing that those sorts of people dislike - they're the kind of people who join up, try it for a day or two, then decide that it sucks, and go back to Facebook or whatever. We see them come on the forums occasionally, complaining that SL sucks, but what it really is, is it's the wrong kind of platform for the experience they're looking for.

And I think that is the case with you. It's the wrong kind of platform for the experience you're looking for.

By all means carry on logging in and doing stuff here if you really want to. Go shopping, go to clubs, go to live gigs, make loads of awesome furry avatars or whatever else you want to do. It's fun.  But I think you should lower your expectations on finding the type of friends you're looking for. Look elsewhere on the internet for those. 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

As others have said, you seem determined to feel the way you feel, and this topic is more of a rant for you than anything, which is fine (albeit we still have the urge to give our opinions anyway). I agree with the above that SL just may not be the place for you if you are looking for an EXACT replica experience of “first life”.

Friendships take time to form. Because of the anonymity of SL, in many ways you likely learn more about some people than they would EVER tell a soul in RL. “Hiding” behind an avatar allows a smaller likelihood of unconscious bias and therefore people tend to be MORE open about who they truly are as humans. No, you may not get to hear the boring details about where they live and what they do for a career, but to ME that doesn’t matter and that’s the beauty of this world. SL is a bit of a pen-pal world - but if you approach anything with such rigid expectations, of course you’re going to find it lacking. 

Edited by norajulian
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I'm only 2 hours difference in time zone. I don't RP, RL is all good with me, I will not give you my credit card info or anything but I'm happy to talk about RL, I'm the same person in SL that I am in RL. Message me if you like. 

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